Competition nerves, and managing childs expectations..

[Fiona]

Not a parent, but I definitely have experienced the frustration/beating myself up mucking it up on the "big day" and he sounds like the sort of kid who finds stuff easy at school, so when theres something he isn't doing so well at it can be a bit of a shock finding out that maybe he might have to work harder at something!
Equally when it came to horses, Im not hugely competitive when it comes to horses, but I show my dog, and if i get the handling wrong or she's excitable I know I'm beating myself up because I'm not doing the dog justice.
I agree with those saying treat it as he's developing the pony, maybe take a step down, do clinics and dressage and such so that he can see improvement in himself and the pony overall and one little stop at a show doesn't seem like a big deal when they've made progress outside of the show. The youtuber Olivia Towers Dressage has this attitude, she has a good attitude, im not sure how well it will work on a young kid though!
Alternatively, perhaps competing LOADS ( if you can afford) like little shows will make it seem like run of the mill so that he doesn't take it so hard when one day he might be having an off day because he knows he'll have another chance shortly?

Thanks AS.....

I beat myself up about small errors too, last night I had a great jumping lesson, but I can't get it out of my head the real 'misser' I had at the very last fence...

I'm torn between your two suggestions too - take a step back and do lessons and rallies (we've probably been doing this for past couple of months) and doing loads of stuff to get him 'used' to competition environment rather than the atmosphere at home.

Fiona

 

[TGM]

I will say in response to some comments that stopping me doing things because I got upset about them only ever made me feel a sense of deep injustice.
I quite rapidly stopped being upset about as much as I could because being upset was deemed wrong, and really that's not such a great method either .

I think children should understand that it is OK to be upset, but they should learn to express that upset in an appropriate manner. To me, a child having a 'total fit' at a show because of a relatively small mistake, is not appropriate behaviour (assuming the child has no special needs). But a few tears in the eyes and saying to mum afterwards "I'm really upset because I have been working so hard with the pony and it still had a run out" is OK and understandable. An intelligent child of nearly 7 should be able to understand this if the parents explain to him clearly what is and isn't acceptable. He should also understand how his behaviour impacts on the feelings of the other people involved.

 

[ester]

I think the trouble is that people's definitions of appropriate differ, especially when in public.
For me it is better to frame the mistake in a better context so that the response is more proportional than to tell a child they won't be doing it until they can control themselves better.

Fiona, I'd be inclined to back off jumping away until the pony is more reliable and your son can manage what is going on both practically and emotionally in a rally etc environemt and get him to do other stuff at shows

 

[Fiona]

I think the trouble is that people's definitions of appropriate differ, especially when in public.
For me it is better to frame the mistake in a better context so that the response is more proportional than to tell a child they won't be doing it until they can control themselves better.

Fiona, I'd be inclined to back off jumping away until the pony is more reliable and your son can manage what is going on both practically and emotionally in a rally etc environemt and get him to do other stuff at shows

Thanks folks.....

Ester - We can do M&M at shows and not do jumping..... (next big show not until end of the month anyway, I can forego the entry fees if needed - I entered a month ago thinking we would be going well by then).

Can do arena hire, or go to PC grounds and jump a course there..... We've been doing that regularly though since January, and it normally goes great. Maybe things only happen in the competition environment????

Fiona

 

[YorksG]

It sounds as if the child is used to being good at all he does and get's upset when he isn't. Tears because the pony did not do as he wanted is unnacceptable imo, the pony may not be "push button", as it is not a bike, but a living creature which he needs to work with. Children get the opportunity to learn valuable life lessons through their contact with animals, if the adults around them help them to recognise them

 

[TGM]

I think the trouble is that people's definitions of appropriate differ, especially when in public.

Oh indeed it does! As is often seen in supermarkets, restaurants etc where some children seem to be allowed to run around unfettered and be allowed to cause much annoyance and disruption to other people!

But boundaries do have to be set, and although those boundaries might differ from family to family, it is important that the parents are clear about exactly what behaviour is appropriate in their own family group and what the consequences of behaving inappropriately will be. This then needs to be explained very clearly to the child in very black and white terms so there is no confusion. The consequences as well may vary from family to family and child to child. Personally, having a child that loved to compete, the threat of not being allowed to do so was a strong motivator for her as an individual. But for another child it might be something different. But importantly it must be clear what the consequence is and the parents must be consistent with following through. It is very confusing and upsetting for a child to be able to get away with something one time and not another. I have witnessed situations where a child has been pushing the boundaries for a long time with no consequences at all, and then suddenly the parents lose their temper and inflict an overly harsh punishment with no prior warning. This is the sort of situation I have always tried to avoid, although I know that no-one gets it right all the time. However, having a clear plan in your head of how you will respond to certain situations does help minimise the chances of such things occuring.

This is only my personal opinion though, but one that has worked for our family - daughter is now 21 and is a happy and confident young adult who still enjoys her competing.

 

[Fiona]

It sounds as if the child is used to being good at all he does and get's upset when he isn't. Tears because the pony did not do as he wanted is unnacceptable imo, the pony may not be "push button", as it is not a bike, but a living creature which he needs to work with. Children get the opportunity to learn valuable life lessons through their contact with animals, if the adults around them help them to recognise them

I haven't ever said it is acceptable behavior, I'm asking for advice on how to deal with it.

Parenting manuals don't have chapters on sport for six year olds, especially sports involving an animal as well as the child.....

He's an only child whose only cousins live a distance away...

and he's definitely not the first small child I've seen at a show to cry when it doesn't go according to plan...

There must be strategies I can use though moving forward as he gets older, I've never seen a teenager bawling coming out of the ring

Fiona

 

[cauda equina]

Does he cry at rallies if things go wrong, and if so, how do the instructors react?

Sometimes parents have difficulty sorting this sort of situation as they're so emotionally involved (not to mention worried about getting things wrong), whereas an 'outsider' like a teacher or instructor will probably have seen and dealt with it before

 

[Fiona]

Does he cry at rallies if things go wrong, and if so, how do the instructors react?

Sometimes parents have difficulty sorting this sort of situation as they're so emotionally involved (not to mention worried about getting things wrong), whereas an 'outsider' like a teacher or instructor will probably have seen and dealt with it before

No he doesn't (unless he's gone splat of course)....

Same at gymnastics, sports day at school etc...

But if he did I'm sure the teachers would know how to deal with it...

Fiona

 

[JFTDWS]

The thing is that children will repeat behaviour that benefits them. So if sobbing and having a fit get him a rosette that he otherwise wouldn't have got, he is in effect being rewarded for his behaviour (however well-meaning it was of the lady). However, if he knows that certain behaviour is likely to result in a temporary break from competitions, then there is more motivation to behave acceptably (assuming he is actually very keen to compete). As he is an intelligent lad, if he was my child, I would be telling him that competitions are a privilege that involve parents putting in a lot of time and money and should be fun for all concerned. If it stops being fun then competitions stop for a while. When they do resume, then he must behave if he wants them to continue.

But agree that concentrating on things like clear round where he can have another go, is probably a better option than competitive jumping at the moment.

I agree entirely with the logic of what you're saying - but I'm not sure a child of that age will be acting logically, rather than emotionally. He may simply not be able to control his feelings, and while they're directed at himself (rather than the pony), he may benefit from help developing the emotional maturity.

Not competing (or clear rounding etc) at all can introduce more pressure - if you only go out occasionally, you have to make it count, and if you can't, it's harder to control your emotions as the scale of your mistake seems to grow out of proportion. If you're out every weekend, hey, there's always next time! And it's hard to keep up that level of emotional investment too... If a young horse found a competition a bit overwhelming, you wouldn't take it home and never go out again - you'd do the exact opposite, and I think the reasoning for that applies here too. Though the OP may not appreciate me comparing her son to a horse


eta - I presumed all kids were getting special rosettes when they left the ring - that's common enough round here. The OP can always ask them not to if she's worried about that side of things.

 

[JFTDWS]

and he's definitely not the first small child I've seen at a show to cry when it doesn't go according to plan...

He certainly isn't - I don't do a lot of coaching, but I see plenty (it's not me, honest ), I've ever seen teens get so worked up about this stuff, they come out in tears too!

 

[TGM]

There must be strategies I can use though

Yes there are, pretty much as I have outlined above, and can be applied to most situations, not just shows and competitions.

1. Decide what behaviour at a show is acceptable and what is not acceptable.
2. Decide what the consequence of behaving in an unacceptable manner should be.
3. Before the next show, sit down together and discuss calmly and clearly with the child how you would like him to behave when things go wrong at a show. So explain that it is understandable to be upset, and he can tell you he is upset, but you want no shouting, screaming, prolonged sobbing etc. Explain what the consequences of behaving in such a manner will be. Ask him if he understands and does he feel he can now behave in a more grown-up manner when things go wrong.
4. Work out how you are going to react if something goes wrong at a show. We always used mistakes as an opportunity to learn, and we would want to work out what went wrong and how to change things next time. However, this is often best not happening on the day of the show when emotions are high! We found that leaving a post-mortem to the following day took a lot of emotion out of it, and videoing the round allowed you to look back on what happened with fresh eyes.

It is hard, but if you are it is clear and consistent it should pay off.

(And if you see other children bawling their heads off at a show, it sometimes helps to discreetly draw your child's attention to it in the hope they might realise how awful they themselves look whilst sobbing!)

 

[Batgirl]

My two penneths:

I haven't seen anyone talk about he specific behaviour that the pony is doing - the stops/run outs. These aren't the normal showjumping 'either you go clear or you don't' things (like knocking a pole). Perhaps he is getting upset as he feels he should be able to fix it and he can't? (I only say this having seen a talent child of a friends having similar issues, not having the easy pony) They were more frustrated as they felt they should be able to make the pony go where they wanted and couldn't.

I'd be trying to figure out why the pony is stopping/running out and giving him more control over it - more competition experience of more run outs/stops won't help. Teaching him to fix the issue and him then being able to do it in a competition will. (IMHO)

 

[ester]

That's a good point Batgirl ,

I will say that if his frustration was with the pony my responses would be entirely different to if he is upset/frustrated with himself, and of course everyone is different and only the OP really knows what is going on.

Frankly I think pointing out that telling them that other children look awful when crying is pretty nasty, I can't get my head round that at all. I'm so glad I'm an adult now and can opt to cry wherever and for however long I need to.

 

[TGM]

Frankly I think pointing out that telling them that other children look awful when crying is pretty nasty, I can't get my head round that at all..

Ermm ... nowhere did I say that you should tell the child that the other child looks awful at all!

 

[ester]

(And if you see other children bawling their heads off at a show, it sometimes helps to discreetly draw your child's attention to it in the hope they might realise how awful they themselves look whilst sobbing!)

so what are you doing, just telling them to look at that child and hoping they make the connection themselves that they themselves look awful when crying, as opposed to them wondering why that child is upset?

 

[TGM]

so what are you doing, just telling them to look at that child and hoping they make the connection themselves that they themselves look awful when crying, as opposed to them wondering why that child is upset?

In my book, there is nothing wrong with saying something like "Oh dear that poor little girl looks very upset, perhaps she's had a bad day like you did last week", especially if the behaviour is more than simple quiet crying, but more of a tantrum. Firstly it underlines that everyone has bad days, but also it can give your own child a little insight into how that sort of behaviour affects other people.

 

[ester]

well no there isn't anything wrong with saying something like that, but I don't see the connection between that and hoping a child realises how awful they themselves look whilst sobbing.

 

[Rowreach]

He is perfectly fine when taking part in his other sports, its just the riding (with me)... Hence me thinking its frustration because the pony doesn't always do what he wants..

In saying that, the pony was a wee cow last night (two really dirty stops) after being amazingly good for weeks which obviously needs worked on too... I wish life was simple.....

Fiona

Just a question (because one of mine hated riding), does he really want to ride?

 

[TGM]

well no there isn't anything wrong with saying something like that, but I don't see the connection between that and hoping a child realises how awful they themselves look whilst sobbing.

Really?! I think you underestimate how perceptive an intelligent 7 year old can be!

 

[ester]

really, otherwise I wouldn't be saying it, they must be better than me obviously! I don't think I've ever thought/believed anyone crying looks awful even though I have been told they do! Only ever wondered what happened to make them cry.

 

[TGM]

really, otherwise I wouldn't be saying it, they must be better than me obviously! I don't think I've ever thought/believed anyone crying looks awful even though I have been told they do! Only ever wondered what happened to make them cry.

Oh god I know I look awful when I cry - a red, swollen face isn't a good look for anyone! And it is not just that, a child having a proper 'Violet Elizabeth' tantrum is likely to be making a lot of noise, and the parents will be looking upset and uncomfortable. I can't think many 7 year olds would look at such a scene and think they would like to be just like that! Sometimes it is only when we see our behaviour reflected in others that we realise just how it appears to other people.

 

[ester]

I'm genuinely surprised that people of any age would look at someone crying and be deciding whether they look good or not rather than wondered why they were upset and whether they could help.

We weren't talking tantrums, we were talking children crying.

Of course a 7 year old wouldn't look at the scene and they think they want to be like that, why would they want to be upset?

 

[TGM]

We weren't talking tantrums, we were talking children crying.

We were obviously talking at cross purposes then, I was was talking about children bawling their heads off in full tantrum mode. I obviously wasn't clear enough!

 

[ester]

Ah I was sticking with what the OP should be doing with her son who was in floods of tears, not tantruming as she clarified.

 

[TGM]

Ah I was sticking with what the OP should be doing with her son who was in floods of tears, not tantruming as she clarified.

Well in her OP she did say he had a 'total fit' which read to me more than just a few tears, and I was just responding with a strategy that had worked with my own child. If she feels it is inappropriate for her own circumstances that is fine. But please don't make me out to be a heartless, nasty person when I am actually trying to help someone and offer constructive advice.

Apart from anything else, often the last thing parents with a bawling child at a show needs is some random stranger coming along and asking if they can help! Slightly different if you encounter a child alone somewhere who is crying and looks distressed.

 

[ester]

Which is why several of us asked more questions about what actually happened so that we could respond how we thought best because they are very different things so anything I said which made you out to be heartless or nasty now doesn't apply anyway given the different subject matters we were on.


It is obviously a problematic topic for me.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Oh indeed it does! As is often seen in supermarkets, restaurants etc where some children seem to be allowed to run around unfettered and be allowed to cause much annoyance and disruption to other people!

But boundaries do have to be set, and although those boundaries might differ from family to family, it is important that the parents are clear about exactly what behaviour is appropriate in their own family group and what the consequences of behaving inappropriately will be. This then needs to be explained very clearly to the child in very black and white terms so there is no confusion. The consequences as well may vary from family to family and child to child. Personally, having a child that loved to compete, the threat of not being allowed to do so was a strong motivator for her as an individual. But for another child it might be something different. But importantly it must be clear what the consequence is and the parents must be consistent with following through. It is very confusing and upsetting for a child to be able to get away with something one time and not another. I have witnessed situations where a child has been pushing the boundaries for a long time with no consequences at all, and then suddenly the parents lose their temper and inflict an overly harsh punishment with no prior warning. This is the sort of situation I have always tried to avoid, although I know that no-one gets it right all the time. However, having a clear plan in your head of how you will respond to certain situations does help minimise the chances of such things occuring.

This is only my personal opinion though, but one that has worked for our family - daughter is now 21 and is a happy and confident young adult who still enjoys her competing.

An excellent approach imo, which obviously worked well for your daughter/family.

OP, there is some excellent advice on how to support your son but imo the most important aspect is your own approach to competition. If you treat it as matter-of-factly as possible, minimising the importance of the occasion, so will your son. Your comment about not saying 'never mind' was very telling. By all means set small goals, talk about training the pony etc but make it clear to the child that, in the great scheme of things, winning or losing a competition is absolutely unimportant. The show is just another opportunity for your son to ride his pony.

It does worry me that you are taking your 6 yr old son to shows which do not have clear round classes, as, usually, the atmosphere at shows which do is more relaxed and encouraging to children. In your position, I would try to find shows either especially for children or which have classes to encourage novices. IME those are often RC shows.

 

[Keith_Beef]

The thing is that children will repeat behaviour that benefits them.

Just like horses, then.

And adults. Or what we often refer to as adults.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

really, otherwise I wouldn't be saying it, they must be better than me obviously! I don't think I've ever thought/believed anyone crying looks awful even though I have been told they do! Only ever wondered what happened to make them cry.

I think you must remember that you are a special case, ester!