Competition stereotypes and bugbears!

[Santa_Claus]

Ok so its a quiet day at work and have been thinking about all manner of things including competition bug bears and stereotypes. Some of these annoy me more than others, some just make me laugh normally those causing no one else harm!

Feel free to add your own

So mine are (admittedly SJ but a lot cover all there major disciplines

)

1) Warmup hoggers - covers a multitude of sins from hogging the warm up fence, leaving it at 1m20 for the BN, to walking round chatting two a breast in 15x30m warmup, to lunging in already cramped arena, effectively taking over the entire arena for a lesson etc

2) Don't know the rules and don't care - Jumping practice upright back to front and then shout at you for approaching in correct direction being a good example

3) Gods gift to riding - normally illustrated by fab genuine horse being flung on the forehand and disunited round a newcomers by its rider, scrapes a clear (because its that scopey and genuine) in the first round but a pole in the JO. Rider then chastises horse who apparently was careless ruining an otherwise 'perfect' round and garunteed win!

4) Pushy parents - **** scared kid being forced into ring by mother to jump round a newcomers on her 4yo pony. Obviously goes very badly, child and pony come out with confidence in tatters to meet mother screaming and shouting tellnig her she will never be good enough for pony teams if she rides like that. Said child in reality happy to be pootling round 2ft6 all year long at PC shows!

5) gadget queens - draw reins resulting in head to chest but in particular actually jumping in them.Also over bitted so horse refusing to move forward so rider also wearing large spurs!! Flatwork is an unidentifiable foriegn word!

6) All the gear no idea - similar to Gods gift to riding but rarely seen above Discovery. Generally harmless other than to your eyes from all the diamante bling they are sporting!

7) wannabe pro - again similar to god's gift but has string of horses (purchased by mummy and daddy

), and considers riding their 'job' no actual income as the babies rarely get round a course (they are naughty you know and come to her to be sorted out

) and the schoolmaster grade A 'top horse' (which changes at least 3 times a season) although very genuine cannot get itself round a 1m20+ without at least 3 or 4 poles, as the rider has a complete inability to meet a correct stride. Said rider is convinced they are the next Ellen whitaker though due to a purely fluke win in a 1m20 young rider class a year before. (she always though fails to tell anyone there were only 5 entries it was pouring with rain and she won on 8 faults in the first round...)

8 ) The owner part I - slave - normally seen frantically removing any miniscule sign of dirt from horse before rider jumps on and goes to warm up (please note owner covered in mud/straw/hayledge). Is everywhere the rider looks ready to hold horse, adjust tack, raise/lower fences etc. Rider completes round with varying success blaming horse if bad or congratulating themselves if good, before jumping off handing horse back to owner and heading to the bar to spend their riding fee and prize money if applicable!

9) The owner part II - Which horse is mine again? - owner arrives at show dressed head to toe in tweed driving their merc and heads straight for the hospitality tent/bar (delete as appropriate!). Rider approaches with caution wearing large grin, telling owner how happy she is she could attend and that she has great hopes for the horse today before scurrying off as fast as possible. Owner starts watching class but incorrectly identifies a man riding a bay as her horse and so is very disappointed when it stops. It is only when she hears her name called over to the tannoy to collect the owners trophy is she reminded her rider is female and her horse is grey! great news she can now go back to her chums to say how her 2012 prospect is right on track.

10) Part time rider - Horse arrives at show on trainers lorry having come from trainers yard. Rider pops on horse (after trainer's groom has lunged it) warms up (under trainers instruction) and rides in to ring and produces a fairly respectable clear. Comes out hands horse back to trainer's groom and heads off to meet her friends and boast about how all her time and dedication is coming to fruition, failing to mention she has ridden more in the last hour than in the last 2 weeks as her trainer has been doing all the work at home.

Hmm that will do me for now but has happily filled up a nice quiet part of my day

 

[louisevictoria]

11) The owner/rider/groom combined who hacks to show, turns up on own and has to beg someone to hold horse whilst she frantically trys to put in studs/walk course before class starts, then has to beg someone to put the warm-up fence down to a height acceptable for BN class. Eventually jumps round a foot perfect first round but then has a an unfortunate four faults in the jump off which keeps her out of the placings and not achieving the last double clear that is needed. Before having to bribe someone to hold the thug (sorry darling horse) who by this point can't restrain himself any longer from the nice tempting grass of the lorry park whilst she trys to remove studs

 

[Firewell]

One stereotype stands out in my mind....

Pony club mother with expensive highlights wearing a long skirt and hunter wellies, she's holding on to a mini Tamarillo look-a-like all done up in the latest gadgets. This mother is screaming at a small, scared, bawling child ' Cynthia you will get on and jump this very expensive pony!!! This pony was very expensive you had better win! Now get on this expensive pony Cynthia, CYNTHIA!!!' All loud enough to make sure everyone can hear (and cringe

).

 

[Kal]

12) The know-it-all - Who takes great pleasure in telling you what you have done wrong and what you should have been doing during your SJ round, but can't even get round a 2ft course without falling off.

 

[Seahorse]

The owner/rider that has produced horse themselves, turning up in a borrowed trailer, riding a dressage test in a GP saddle.
Parked next to a massive shiny lorry full of very expensive looking bay warmbloods.
Guess who won the class?

 

[bex1984]

12) The I'm So Awful dressage rider - produces what appears to be a fairly faultless test, calm, collected, rhythmic...to all those watching it looked excellent. Rider leaves the ring shaking head and telling the photographer (who is totally in awe as she can't even get her pony into left canter

) how awful that was and had badly she rode and how she should just give up

13) The My Pony Is Nuts Teenager - spends the whole day bouncing around telling everyone how nuts her pony is and implying how good a rider she is because she can handle said pony. Never mind the fact that she has filled it full of molasses and oats that morning, and has spent the day bombing around, short reins, over active short whip, basically whipping pony into a frenzy

14) The I Could Do So Much Better Spectator - usually a mummy of another competitor, and usually one who hasn't sat on a horse for years. Spends their day stood at the edge of the arena sighing and telling anyone who will listen all the faults of whoever is currently riding.

15) The Leid Rein Mummy - has been up since 4am plaiting and preening self, child and pony. Lunges pony before child can get on. Walks child round showground with pony's head strapped down. Clings onto pony with mildly terrified look when it's time to trot for the judge. Pony, although pretty, has got leid rein mummy's number, and is waiting for the opportunity to drag her through the nearest pile of pony poo, just for fun.

16) The Best Turned Out - often one and the same as Lead Rein Mummy. Insists child sits in car, and must not eat, drink, or go within 10 ft of pony. Prepares pony, removes child from car, positions on pony. Baby-wipes pony, child, and any visible piece of leather. Loses plot when pony carefully turns round to scratch its nose on child's freshly polished boots.

 

[Halfstep]

The dressage "lady". Arrives at show with husband and groom/helper in tow. Unloads expensive German warmblood (17hh+, purchased at astronomical cost from "trainer" who got it cheap due to its inability to actually go forward ever, under any circumstances).

Our "lady" is crammed into a slightly ill fitting show jacket, and clambers into Amerigo saddle (Carl uses them, darling). Warmup consists of bouncing like beach ball on a lilo on the horse's back, while holding a death grip on its mouth (double bridle of course), and kicking like buggery. Eyes never look beyond horses plaits, and everyone else in the warmup has to scatter at her approach.

After the test she berates husband/helper/judge/organisers/horse loudly for her poor score. Decides that the only thing is to book another few weeks schooling livery and some gait analysis for the horse. She would have some lessons herself of course but my goodness she is so busy these days you know. Oh and obviously the horse must have a new saddle. What's Kyra riding in these days? And a new bridle. And a trip to Classic Dressage shop on the way home to cheer herself up.

 

[Madam_max]

Ha Ha. I have actually met her at KMC-lol!

 

[marmalade76]

Great thread!

Re lead rein mummy - I know of someone who makes her children stand on a piece of carpet until they are ready to be lifted on to their ponies (they have two each despite the fact that they have to be bribed to ride) so as they don't get their boots dirty! How sad?

 

[caramac1988]

12) the spoilt child that when she/he doesnt win mummy has to take them to the horsey tent at the show buy them something or the spoilt child that doesnt win gets off horse and tells mum to take it back its not good enough ...i am ashamed i was once that child

 

[flyingfeet]

17 (or 16 for duplicates): The Snotty Teenager
Pouts like someone has just slapped them across the face with a kipper. Generally huffs, puffs and moans. Accompanied by their parent who may or may not be horsey, but chauffeurs them there, runs around after them and cleans up the mess when the toys are thrown out of their pram. The poor parent also foots all the bills.

Little do these stuck up teenagers know, but me, being the green eyed (old) monster is eyeing up their poor parent wondering whether I could kidnap them - at least I'd appreciate them!!!

 

[stencilface]

[ QUOTE ]

14) The I Could Do So Much Better Spectator - usually a mummy of another competitor, and usually one who hasn't sat on a horse for years. Spends their day stood at the edge of the arena sighing and telling anyone who will listen all the faults of whoever is currently riding.



[/ QUOTE ]

Thats my mum!!

She does 'ride' in a fashion but is terrible in public, and sadly unstoppable

The people who's horse neigh constantly to reassure each other that they are still there. Riders look frazzled and irritated by constant neighing, and have stains on jodphurs from chips with ketchup. Hmm, wonder who that is

 

[StaceyTanglewood]

oh i have met all of them !!

 

[Quadro]

17) the husband/boyfriend who walks several paces behind wife/girlfriend clutching rugs/boots/bandages and a camera. The bags under the poor souls eyes say it all and as he accidently drops something she turns round shoots him a killer stare and barks "RICHARD YOU B!OODY IDIOT PICK THAT UP AT ONCE" he does and trundles on, after being yelled at several times he dutyfully stands at the side of the ring to watch and his eyes light up at the sight ofanother worn male, maybe he will give him a few minutes restbite!

 

[The Bouncing Bog Trotter]

The hair flicker - aged about 18, has impossibly blond hair that keeps being flicked and having fingers run through it, stomps around the showground with exceptionally tight white breeches, thong marks and bright red tretorn boots. The make up is applied liberally with heaps of mascara and pouty, lip plumping gloss. She has a mobile phone with a bling, dangly jewel attached to it and is having an animated conversation about someone who drank too much last night, disrespected her in a text and is so not her friend anymore.
You think she has a horse with her but you've not actually seen her with one.

 

[LEC]

Mine are bugbears!

Over cocky teenagers - have an opinion on anything, think they know best and sometimes miss the obvious in that they are not all that.

4yo classes - I really hate them. The pros make it look easy and probably do it on very little work but I do wonder about the rest.

Abandonment insurance/ higher start fees - hate paying extras and then you do not get refunded anyway if you withdraw.

JAS - Loathe the series! Looking at the results it has done nothing for my prejudice!

I am very grumpy today and having a horrid day at work as I have loads more but will stop here!

 

[SuperHorse]

[ QUOTE ]

10) Part time rider - Horse arrives at show on trainers lorry having come from trainers yard. Rider pops on horse (after trainer's groom has lunged it) warms up (under trainers instruction) and rides in to ring and produces a fairly respectable clear. Comes out hands horse back to trainer's groom and heads off to meet her friends and boast about how all her time and dedication is coming to fruition, failing to mention she has ridden more in the last hour than in the last 2 weeks as her trainer has been doing all the work at home.


[/ QUOTE ]

That's what I do! Except the bit about boasting about hard work and dedication. Oh, and I don't always manage the respectable clear

 

[georgie0]

[ QUOTE ]
The hair flicker - aged about 18, has impossibly blond hair that keeps being flicked and having fingers run through it, stomps around the showground with exceptionally tight white breeches, thong marks and bright red tretorn boots. The make up is applied liberally with heaps of mascara and pouty, lip plumping gloss. She has a mobile phone with a bling, dangly jewel attached to it and is having an animated conversation about someone who drank too much last night, disrespected her in a text and is so not her friend anymore.
You think she has a horse with her but you've not actually seen her with one.

[/ QUOTE ]


Ohhh this is so true! There are hoards of them! Love this thread.

 

[Quadro]

you have missed out that they are exceptionally orange and have a spotty bf trailing several yards behind looking rather lost and disinterested

 

[alwaysbroke]

Really enjoying this thread, brightening up a very wet and cold afternoon,
my bugbear
the people at the yard who make the coffee and pull up the chairs just to watch you jump your youngster, then, retreat in to the kitchen to "discuss" how you should have ridden it. These people would have a heart attack if you so much as offered them a sit on your pony, they are scared stiff of their own horse and have to get "friends" to jump it for them!

 

[bex1984]

The Photo Opportunity Competitor - is pretty much just there to get some nice photos of her horse/pony. Is oblivious to where the judge is, but has positioned the slightly henpecked friend she has dragged along with a camera in the perfect position, having considered where the light is coming from, and which would be the most flattering backdrop. When jumping, she delays starting her round to remind said friend that she must aim for a 45 degree angle on to the fence to get the best photos.

The Overstretched Novice - has somehow been talked into doing the very very scary 2ft one day event. Is basically a blithering bag of nerves all day - no one, least of all her on the day, understands what she is doing there. Falls off over the first (miniscule) warm up fence, cries for 15 minutes, withdraws, and scurries off home resigning herself to 1ft6.

Errr yep, those ones are me

 

[Santa_Claus]

Thought of some more

413) Workaholic - Owns 5 horses all on DIY on private rented field with two stables! Gets up at 5am to muck out, ride two, load trailer etc, goes to saturday morning job for 9 am (not forgetting she also has a full time job and an evening job to pay for the horses) works till midday before getting back to yard to load two of the others to get to show for 1 which thankfully today is only 20mins down the road. Gets there just as her class is being walked so parks up in only available space and hurrys in to walk course and enter. does her class is happy but can't wait for results as has to rush back to yard, ride 5th horse, sort out the rest for the night and rush home to then look after her unhorsey two kids and husband who have trashed the house during the day in her absence. 11pm she gets to bed making sure alarm is set for 5am the next day...

414) School of hard knocks - Opposite of all the gear and no idea! Turns up in 20+ yo car and trailer or lorry that looks like it lost its last legs years ago but is somehow still running. Out of the lorry/trailer comes an unattractive horse of questionnable conformation. It is tacked up (mismatched brown and black leather snaffle bridle and what looks to be a 40yo or alternatively wintec saddle). Rider puts on her gear which includes show jacket picked up for a tenner at the local car boot, rubber long boots and patched up breeches. All the "all the gear no idea" girls around giggle thinking what an embarressment this girl is.
Hard knocks girl works in on her own in the corner keeping out the way and not drawing attention to herself. Goes into arena and produces beautiful but fast double clear/dressage test (delete as appropriate) to win the class by a clear mile. Jaws of "all the gear no idea" girls accordingly hit the floor in shock

 

[bex1984]

Another one:

The Showjumping Teenage Boy: Arrives at Showground just in time to grunt at officials to let them know he has arrived (actually, they already know by the trail of gawping Showjumping Teenage Girls, who are tittering into their diamante encrusted mobiles about the presence of said boy). SJTB throws tack at Horse-With-Attitude (complete with grackle, gag, martingale etc), has a cursory canter round the warmup, then clouds over with competitive red mist and attacks showjumping round. SJTB and HWA only do speed rounds, and they only do winning. Long suffering parents trail around after SJTB doing all those tasks that he doesn't see necessary (grooming, for example).

 

[frazzled]

Terrified parent who stands at the edge of arena ,praying silently,watching precious child jump around on immaculately behaved schoolmaster. Just think of all the disasters that could have happened and are st johns ambulance in attendance?

 

[MegaBeast]

loving these, especially like the school of hardknocks competitor!

 

[Attila_the_Hungry]

[ QUOTE ]
Terrified parent who stands at the edge of arena ,praying silently,watching precious child jump around on immaculately behaved schoolmaster. Just think of all the disasters that could have happened and are st johns ambulance in attendance?

[/ QUOTE ]

They can be spotted by the strange twitching of one of their legs. I'm not sure if they are trying to telepathically lift the pony's legs up, or if their own limb is mirroring the poor lower leg position of their offspring, but they all seem to do it!

They then block the entrance by trying to stuff a whole packet of polos into the pony's mouth right in the gateway!

 

[Halfstep]

Another dressage one

The struggling ex young rider who suddenly has to pay her own way:

Hitherto, Alexandra has led a charmed life. Ever since daddy first bought her a German reitpony from the Rothenburgers, she's been on the British team. Daddy also bought an Oakley around the same time, and it has taken them to European shows on numerous occasions, and could drive the route to the Unicorn (squad training) itself. Pony sold on, and solid PSG schoolmaster purchased, Alexandra found herself on the junior and then young rider squads. However as the tests got harder, her scores fell and the European gigs dissolved.
Not to worry.

Now aged 22, it is time to make her own way. The problem is, the credit crunch has devoured much of Daddy's available income. The Oakely is older now, needs work, and can't be replaced. The schoolmaster went lame last year, but before that proved unwilling or unable to master one tempis. So, her plan is to scrape together some spare cash and buy some youngsters. The problem is, despite her long junior career, and all those lessons and squad training, weeks in Holland and weekends at the Unicorn, no one has actually taught Alexandra how to train a horse. Her first Badminton young dressage horse qualifier demonstrates this clearly.

Luckily Daddy has contacts at Sky tv, and Alexandra always wanted to be a "journalist".......

 

[Cash]

The mother who is p*ssed off that a girl arrives slightly late (sat nav faaaail

) and takes first place, (due to a star of a horse

) bumping her daughter down to third from second. Said mother then proceeds to evil the girl throughout her warmup for next class and throughout her round in the next class, leaning on the arena fence and tutting v v audibly when girl takes off on a long one due to slightly numptyish riding (

) (+ remarks: 'oooh that didn't look nice'

). When girl + star pony still manage a clear, mother proceeds to tell anyone who will listen, inc complete strangers, that the girl is obviously a pothunter.

Girl is me as you have probably guessed

and certainly am not a pothunter- was me and the TB's first SJing together, and we entered the 2'9 because of this.

Was certainly not expecting placings, particularly as TB isn't exactly reliable, and had been stuck in stable all that week due to snow!

 

[BronsonNutter]

279) The Old Pony
Pony is the wrong side of 20, and is regularly spotted by people at shows asking 'ooh, surely that can't be X/Y/Z's old pony?' He only has two completely working legs, could probably do with a pair of glasses and requires a full clip to get rid of his winter coat that makes him resemble a mammoth with cushings. Said pony ambles round the warm-up ring quite quietly, taking care of rider (usually from the School of Hard Knocks) and pops a cross pole on each rein - he doesn't do too much because of his arthritis. He then goes in the ring, gets ridiculously excited, rears up and nearly knocks the timing equipment over and jumps a very excitable clear round, refusing to go on the rider's strides because he prefers to see his own, before mooching out again to be stuffed full of (sugar free - he's suceptible to laminitis now he's that old) polos by The Anxious Parent, who insists they do the jump off then go home to save his remaining legs

 

[ester]

280)

the junior BSJA'r with nervous entourage... who all have a how many people can ride the pony competitions and start clicking when said pony is 100m away and clearly not paying any attention to its additional riders and doing the job in hand with its small jockey.

I like bex SJTA........ whose mother can often be heard to say I told him not to go too fast