Confidence crisis! Help please sorry its a bit long.....

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Since coming back to riding after a 3 year break I have had problems with my confidence which I never used too. To make matters worse last summer my horse tanked off with me and threw me out of the arena and I broke my ribs. I am a competent and have competed BSJA etc.. but since this I scare very easily and so decided it would be best to get something easier to enjoy and rebuild my confidence and so I found my boy a fab home and started again...

I have since found my dream horse a month ago, Blossom a Clysdale X really nice to handle and although not a plod nice and sane. I was coming on leaps and bounds with her until yesterday when I took her to my friends place for a hack.

She's been there before fine but yesterday she was really on her toes and when my friend cantered in front she started bucking and trying to tank off. I pulled her up and then the second and third times my friend cantered her horse it happened again, even when I let her canter too. After this I just couldn't relax and then she reacted to my nerves and it got worse all the way round. I ended up asking my friend if we could walk home and even swapping horses for the last ten minutes cause it really shook me up that much!

Basically now I feel really embarrassed and like a complete failure and back to square one and have got myself in a state about the whole thing. My friend keeps pushing me to take her back there and 'sort her out' but that is the last thing I want to do right now. She also wants to ride her and is trying to get me to take her to a show on Sunday.

I don't have allot of grazing (she is obese) but she has ad-lib hay and is out all day with company. My friend recon's that is to do with lack of grass and not being out 24/7 and my Shetland is not enough company for her. She thinks I should take her to her yard on livery and let her ride her but part of me is really feeling like she is trying to take over and maybe getting the horse super fit isn't that sensible at the moment.

I'm sorry for the long ramble I suppose that I just needed to write it all down! Does anyone have some good tips for confidence or had a similar experience? Should I just go to the show/ hack and just try and push myself through it? It's so frustrating to not be able to do things that I used to do without thinking twice! Does anyone think that the lack of grass/ company could be the problem? I'm having the saddle checked Monday and teeth and back next week just to be sure..

Tea, coffee & biscuits for getting this far!
 
I've had massive confidence problems ever since I first started riding, so I really sympathise with you. If you feel up to it, then the show could be a really good chance to boost your confidence and refresh your trust in your own riding, but don't force yourself to do it if you really don't want to because that could make things worse for you. Just take it day by day and don't force yourself into anything, that's the best advice I can give you.

As for why she played up, I don't really have much to suggest - there are bound to be more experienced people on here to answer that!
 
It sounds as if your friend is telling you things that, if not actually wrong, are against your instincts - so don't do them.

I'm no expert but surely it would be better to go back a step, find your comfort zone again, and then start to push yourself very slowly and carefully, rather than carry on with activities that don't feel comfortable? You have said yourself that your nerves affect your horse, and so if you do these things you are uncomfortable with, you are bound to be nervous and it will all happen again.

I don't like this 'take her back and sort her out' attitude. OK it was scary and she was naughty, but there's no guarantee that if you go back there you will sort it - it's more likely to will reinforce the behaviour.

I'm sure a Shetland is enough company - the only worry keeping 2 together is they get too closely attached.

Good luck. x
 
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I have since found my dream horse a month ago, Blossom a Clysdale X really nice to handle and although not a plod nice and sane. I was coming on leaps and bounds with her until yesterday when I took her to my friends place for a hack.

She's been there before fine but yesterday she was really on her toes and when my friend cantered in front she started bucking and trying to tank off. I pulled her up and then the second and third times my friend cantered her horse it happened again, even when I let her canter too. After this I just couldn't relax and then she reacted to my nerves and it got worse all the way round. I ended up asking my friend if we could walk home and even swapping horses for the last ten minutes cause it really shook me up that much!



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On the 3 occasions, you tried cantering on this hack, was your friend in front?
Make her go behind you and promise to stay in your horses shadow / not overtake / not canter alongside etc.
Your horse sounds like it 'reacted' off the horse cantering in front .... I think you find it a much nicer experience if you lead. And trust me - you horse will be more sensible in front.
 
Firstly, don't be upset with yourself. EVERYONE has confidence issues.

I came off Monty badly once and my OH had me on a lead-rein on foot for the next 3 weeks!

Don't get pressured into doing something that is too much for you, you will only shatter your confidence further. The key is doing something that is a little bit out of your comfort zone, without being so far out that you poo yourself. That way you will build up slowly.

For now, go back to basics and avoid anything that is likely to upset you both. If hacking in walk is what you are comfortable with, do that for a while until you are ready to step up. Most importantly, don't be worried about what other people think............it's supposed to be fun.
 
Sorry to hear you are having problems. Like people have told you, it is common - most people have them sometime or other. I'm right in the middle of mine atm so I know how you feel.

There are a few issues in your post which need addressing. I think you should deal with one thing at a time. While I understand your friend is trying to help in her way, maybe you should ask her diplomatically to be a little bit more patient with you. Instead of spurring you on, it might cause you to have a panic instead.

I have two horses which are kept together, they are fine so I think your shettlie will be fine company.

The only other suggestion I have is maybe to get some lessons to help with the confidence thing. I have been out of the saddle for a year due to a (non riding) accident and after 8 operations I am a nervous wreck. People have told me to take my time and I fully intend to do that. I have an instructor who teaches disabled riders and I have been informed she is incredibly patient. Just what I need - my first lesson is this coming Monday.

Its better to take little steps forward than to scare yourself. Have little milestones planned and make sure you pat yourself on the back when you reach each one. But don't let yourself be bullied into doing anything that makes you scared.
Its supposed to be safe and fun.

Good luck
 
Oh bless. It must be so frustrating for you.
If you have BSJAd, you must know what you are doing really. Have you lost faith in your ability ? I am sure no-one can really tell you what to do or how to tackle this - you will know yourself what you fell you should do. though I have to admit, your friend sounds like she is not being particularly thoughful. Why is she so keen to ride your horse ? If she rides your horse, and does well with her, it will make you feel even worse. there are people on here that have given some pretty sound advice I think.
I have also lost my nerve, and refuse to jump a stick (my horse is a SJ though !!!). In the school recently, chatting to my YO about cats of all things, she ramdomly walked over to a jump in the school, put it down to about 6 " high, and told me to go over it (she knows my fear of jumping). she is not a person you can argue with, so i did what i was told. Was so pathetic that my horse stopped. she told me why he stopped, and made me go again, and again, and again and again and again. I was hanging on for dear life. when i thought i'd finished, she made me go the other way. I hated it, but was so pleased that we did it. Her final comment to me was that I still had the instinct (knew what I was doing).
So, what I am saying is you know EXACTLY what you are doing, youve just maybe forgotten that you know what you are doing.
Just keep with what you are comfortable with, BUT, remember you have the skill/knowledge/ability to deal with this.
 
Thank you for everyones kind posts! I think the friend wanting to ride thing should be taken as flattering to Blossom cause she is absolutely fab and her own horse is a bit of a nightmare so I think she see's an opportunity to have some fun on something a bit more sane. Muddywellies you are completely right I felt absolutely rubbish after her riding her although at the time I was grateful cause it made it even more obvious that my nerves were the route of the problem!
I know in my head what I need to do but my fear takes over. I think that lessons are a really good idea and I am going to call round to see if I can get something booked. I think one step at the time is the way forwards.
Poor OH has ear ache cause its all I can talk about today, I just feel loads better that i'm not such an awful Mum cause last night when I got home I was convinced I couldn't cope and I needed to move her to friends yard when its been my dream to have her at home!
 
Personally I think you need to give yourself a break. Any horse may sometimes get a bit lively if the horse in front begins cantering.

I also think that your friend, altho trying to be helpful isn't really saying what you need. What you need is to go hacking where you have controlled canters where you stipulate to blossom when and where she is to canter. This is what a friend would support you in, not push you down routes you don't want to go.

If you are behind another horse and you both wish to canter, get both horses to start trotting, with you a number of meters behind. You start cantering first and then give the ok to your friend. That way your horse does not need to feel like she is being left behind. try to think 'forwards with control' not 'eeek stop!!'

Give blossom rules, and give your friend rules too. Neither your horse nor your friend is to zoom off without you being ready.

To be honest this sounds like something simply solved and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. Sounds like you have a fab horse and you're not a bad rider!!
 
I agree with SDH.

i used to ride with a friend on a hack and, her horse always had to canter infront.

On the one occasion I went first my friends horse was bucking, rearing and napping all at the same time!!

Needless to say she always went first after that.

sometimes it is all about getting to know your horse. This could be one of those moments.
 
Sounds like the sort of things a lot of horses do, bit overexcited, then rider gets tenses, vicious circle develops. I would say it is nothing to do with your turn out situation. We had plenty who did this on occassion and we were a huge yard! I would hack her out again, with you leading and stick to walk and trot. Get your own confidence back, then in a few days / weeks, try a short canter, you in front, not in a 'usual canter place'. Some horses do get excited when the one in front canters, so either start them off together, or as one has suggested, the back person a stride ahead of the front. I used to lead out some huge rides, 12 people + and getting them in an order they were happy with to have a canter was a nightmare! Good luck
 
I know how you feel - i have come back into riding after at least 15 years! and my life seems much more important now I have small children! Even though the horse im riding is only 13.2 i still feel like its a long way to fall!
 
I have taken everyones advice and had a walk round the paddock tonight on my own, she was a bit bolshy and tried to plant herself but I think that was due to my friend being very bolshy with her yesterday!! Had a deep breath and put my leg on and she was OK. So I feel like I have accomplished something even if its small!!
 
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