Confidence lost :(

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Bedford Joy

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Help, I've lost my confidence .. My horses are on full livery and with 3 children and my own business to run I've hardly ridden at all for the last few months. I woke up this morning and I've arranged to hack out with a friend later today but I feel sick at the thought of riding. I have a new pony who I know is well behaved but she's been out of work for a few months. I walked her out the other day on lead rope and she was very snorty and leaping about and I just got really nervous and put her back in her stable! Pathetic huh ???
I have an elderly mare who is easy to ride so I could take her out but my two younger mares need to start work but I just end up giving them very long grooming sessions and coming up with reasons not to ride. I desperately want to get back in the saddle and ride my younger mares but my nerves are in shreds and the "what if" monster has reared it's ugly head.
We aren't allowed to lunge and we don't have a ground work area to work with except a very large ménage which can get busy with professional riders so getting in the saddle feels like my only option.
I feel like I'm avoiding going to the stables and using kids/work as a justifiable reason not to go. Surely my horses and I would be happier doing more but how do I get over this ridiculous nervousness?
 
Go for the ride on your older mare and have a nice time. If the younger horses haven't been ridden for a few months another day won't make a difference!

I'd ride the older mare over the next few weeks to get you going again and enjoying riding, and then think about starting off some groundwork with your other two , surely the school is quiet at times, even if its late on and you go back to the yard once the children are in bed?
Don't put so much pressure on yourself and try to get your enthusiasm and confidence back on your older mare for a while😀
 
It sounds like you are a bit intimidated by the other riders at your yard? Why are you not allowed to lunge? What an odd ruling for a livery yard. Is it possible for you to move to a yard you would feel more confident and happier at?
 
What you have to consider is - why am I doing this? And I mean - any of it.

Is it some kind of test? Character building? Why?

Do you not want to do it but carry on half-hearted though - fear of failure, already cost me a fortune and I want to get something out of it, genuine fear.

Riding - or even playing with a horse, is not something to be done lightly or if you are lacking in confidence - most animals can sense this immediate and will react - horses are hear animals and look for where you are in the hierarchy - if you're perceived to be lower than them - your experiences will not be happy!

I can remember feeling rather ... hmm... concerned about having to abseil and be hanging by a thread over a 150ft cliff - but eventually found the confidence to do it facing forwards i.e. the most difficult way. My dad didn't relish spinning an aeroplane on purpose - but did it to pass his PPL test ( I rather like it for fun but hey! That's just me!)

Go and sit with your horse in his field/box and have a think about what YOU want to do - I'm sure you'll find your answers there.
 
trottingon said:
Go for the ride on your older mare and have a nice time. If the younger horses haven't been ridden for a few months another day won't make a difference!

I'd ride the older mare over the next few weeks to get you going again and enjoying riding, and then think about starting off some groundwork with your other two , surely the school is quiet at times, even if its late on and you go back to the yard once the children are in bed?
Don't put so much pressure on yourself and try to get your enthusiasm and confidence back on your older mare for a while😀
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This. :)
 
I'm not sure why we aren't allowed to lunge, something to do with the school surface I think. It's a good yard but I do feel a bit intimidated being surrounded by such good riders ... I get embarrassed that they think I'm a bit of a joke .. They are all lovely but it's just something I think they're thinking.
All I want to do is bond with my horses and have lovely little adventures hacking out. Not interested in showing or jumping except maybe the odd log out hacking. We aren't allowed outside trainers in otherwise I'd have a Recommended Associate for Natural Horsemanship in to help with ground work. Moving is not an option ATM so I need to work with what I have. I could have a freind ride one of mine and hack out with them but its trying to get a time arranged as I'm so busy ATM. Don't want to give up as my horses are my dream, my passion and my escape from family and work. They make me so happy just being with my girls is such a pleasure but I want more for them and for me :)
 
It's not pathetic, Bedford Joy - you only have so much confidence to go round and with all the other things going on in your life it's just spread a bit thinly at the moment.

Can I suggest that you ride your older mare and if it is a slow hack think about maybe taking one of the others ride and lead. If you've not done it before today probably isn't the day to start, but that approach helped me get confidence when I had a youngster. They got to see the sights and we both had my reliable mare to get confidence from.
 
The yard rule about outside trainers....
I can understand if a yard with a dressage instructor doesn't want other dressage instructors coming onto the yard to teach or with a showjumping instructor not wanting another SJ instructor on the yard etc..,
Is there a natural horsemanship instructor on the yard? I'm assuming not, so might they be flexible about you organising someone? If it is a service you require but they cannot provide, have you asked them?
 
It's a rule that they have as we have 40 stables here and if everyone had trainers and people coming on and off the yard it's a security risk
 
I agree that you should ride your older mare on quiet hacks whilst you get your confidence back.
Instead of being intimidated by the other riders could you not be honest with them and ask for help? They may be more professional riders but at the end of the day they are still human and have probably at some point in their lives felt the same way- I know I have! If you explain that you are feeling nervous and have lost confidence maybe they could offer to ride or at least be on the ground when you are riding and give some helpful hints..that way you are getting help and not having to bring in an outside instructor?

Good luck
 
Same as above go for a ride out with the older horse and make time to keep riding that one until you feel better about things. Could you enlist the help of anyone else 'the professionals' on the yard to help get the other two going?
 
I don't really understand why you are on what sounds like a competition yard if you are only interested in hacking? Surely you would be better moving to a yard with more like minded riders as you may then get the motivation to ride when you hear someone describing a great hack they have just been on for example. Our yard is predominantly happy hackers although some of us do riding club and they offer full livery at probably a fraction of the price most competition yard would charge.

I have had huge confidence issues in the past and having people around me who are happy to go at my pace and even some who have also struggled with confidence has helped no end, whilst I am sure there are people at your comp yard who have had wobbles I would imagine they are much less likely to admit it in front of the others.

Most importantly don't put pressure on yourself riding is meant to be fun do what you are comfortable with such as riding your older horse and eventually you will feel ready to take the next step in your own time.

Confidence issues are horrible but you can get through them with the right support so good luck x
 
Why do you have so many?

Whatever you do you won't feel as if you have done enough and that will translate into feeling a lack of confidence/motivation.

OK so you go out and ride the older safer mare, even have a lovely hack, but it won't translate into feeling rewarding because you will carry on stressing about not riding the younger ones.

You've got too much on your plate rather than it being a confidence issue IMO.
And you need to ask yourself if it's fair on any of you, the horses, the children, the job, yourself.
 
Good point impossiblepony you do seem to have an awful lot going on and as a mother with just one horse I know how much guilt one way or the other comes with that but with 3 must be even worse!
 
Tilda said:
Good point impossiblepony you do seem to have an awful lot going on and as a mother with just one horse I know how much guilt one way or the other comes with that but with 3 must be even worse!
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Tell me about it.:D

I had a late baby, 7 years after my other children (unexpected, how it happened who knows:o) and never felt good until years later going off to ride.

Used to ride late, during the summer would be out on the Forest until 10/11 at night after they were all in bed. Thankfully no roads and ponies can see well in the dark.
 
I am sooo looking forward to the lighter nights so I can go and ride once little man is in bed at the mo I do manage to ride 2 evenings a week in the school but I go straight from work and Thomas is in bed by the time I get home so I have guilt about that!
 
I sympathise - but nervousness is never stupid! :)

In your shoes I would ride the old mare as much as possible, and set teeny tiny steps with the younger mares - today I will get on, then straight back off. Once you've got on, the next step is to walk around the yard or arena once, then get off. Don't feel you need to get on and manage a great long schooling session or a hack straight away!

I don't know your circumstances, but I think I might also consider selling or loaning one of the young mares - when you're busy, having three to ride is a pretty overwhelming thought even without being nervous, and that might be contributing a bit to how you feel as well.
 
Right. I bought my current horse very quickly after suddenly losing one. I bought him because he is handsome, and because several other people told me not to bother because he had issues:rolleyes: Have to say there were times I felt sick at the thought of getting on him. So I didn't. I did ground work or took him out in hand, and when I did ride I kept it short and sweet. Gradually we both built our confidence.....it took time but I have no deadlines.
Take the pressure off .....you don't HAVE to do anything. If you ride one of your young ones, do so for say 10-15 minutes then ride your older one .
Little steps, deep breath and rescue remedy :)
 
Such great replies everyone thank you. I'm on the yard because it belongs to a good friend of mine and there are happy hackers up there as well as professional riders. I have 3 because 2 are rescues and I could never part with them and the other one is a mare I owned 3 years ago but sold to a polo player who I made promise to sell her back to me if he ever gave up which he did a couple of months ago and again I don't want to part with her either. There is help at the yard and other people to ride with but it's my own inner demons I'm fighting. Yes I would probably be happier at a happy hacker yard but for now I need to stay where I am for various reasons.
I didn't ride my elderly mare today as she had lost a shoe so I got my newest mare in an gave her a feed and a damn good brush and spent time with her. I was planning to ride her for a few minutes with the help if a friend but she never turned up so I didn't ride today. I will have someone ride her this week so I can see his she behaves from the ground and try and get some lessons in which helped me with my confidence after I had a fall last year. :)
 
Bedford Joy said:
Such great replies everyone thank you. I'm on the yard because it belongs to a good friend of mine and there are happy hackers up there as well as professional riders. I have 3 because 2 are rescues and I could never part with them and the other one is a mare I owned 3 years ago but sold to a polo player who I made promise to sell her back to me if he ever gave up which he did a couple of months ago and again I don't want to part with her either. There is help at the yard and other people to ride with but it's my own inner demons I'm fighting. Yes I would probably be happier at a happy hacker yard but for now I need to stay where I am for various reasons.
I didn't ride my elderly mare today as she had lost a shoe so I got my newest mare in an gave her a feed and a damn good brush and spent time with her. I was planning to ride her for a few minutes with the help if a friend but she never turned up so I didn't ride today. I will have someone ride her this week so I can see his she behaves from the ground and try and get some lessons in which helped me with my confidence after I had a fall last year. :)
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And further to my earlier piece - who says that what you did - isn't good enough? Your horses won't complain at you not riding so long as they get plenty of turnout and if you get a lot of upturned eyebrows - who cares.

If you are happy shelling out to go up and polish one - who says this isn't good enough - I think you need at least three pats on the back just for rescuing let alone carrying on.
 
Just a thought.
My daughter totally lost her confidence after a few falls. Pony is not the easiest ride either.....Just sets his neck and wanders hither and thither.
She's been lunging him, then getting on him whilst I lunge them both.
Yesterday and today she progressed to trotting him around the yard whilst he attempted to nap to his stables.
Big smiles when she managed to boss him into behaving himself (the little git is fine when I ride him cos he knows he can't get away with it - daughter is ten BTW)
Do you have as anyone who could lunge you on your youngster? It might boost your confidence the first few times you hop on :)
 
Can anyone suggest something to relax my daughters pony. Some small issues have arose to make my daughter lose confidence, her pony has been a star and helped no end but now is starting to act either nervous or cheeky not really sure. She is backing off fences or springing out the side. It's unlike her they have won no end in past. Would a calmer help them to rebond and which one?
 
Nutty Chick, the problem is probably that the pony is feeling your daughter's nervousness. You need to work on building up your daughter's confidence again.

This might mean your daughter going back to basics for a while, having some lessons on her pony or even having some rides on a confidence giving pony. If you do that it would be worth having a more confident child ride your pony a couple of times to get it jumping nicely again.
 
Thank you Faracat I do agree that's the problem. I have luckily still got my 20 year old school mistress. She'll make it fun again. Not sure about other riders on other pony though, she doesn't like different riders she strange like that, she loves her owner it's weird.
 
Bedford Joy - I know exactly how you feel, it's just awful when you're nervous standing by and watching other confident riders seemingly having all the fun while you're champing at the bit to get going but too scared and embarrassed to just hop on and off or just to go 'up the lane and back'.

It's a problem I'm suffering from and have been for a while now. Whatever I do I feel that my more confident neighbours are just laughing at me while they start their youngsters and go off to shows. It's just so difficult to get out of this type of mindset, so I do really feel for you.

Because I'm in a similar situation I'm probably not best positioned to help, but one thing I have discovered is that this message board is great for finding out that you are not alone, stupid, silly, incompetent, scared or in any other way not good enough to be riding. It's full of decent people who are more than willing to offer support and help, which I have found to be really helpful and absolutely fantastic when it's not possible to discuss your fears with the 'super confident' people that you are in day to day contact with.

I very much hope that you will be able to confront your demons and get going again. I received a lot of useful suggestions from taking baby steps and just going a little further each time, to riding without stirrups to make you feel more secure in the saddle and going for inhand walks to bond and to see that your horse isn't going to spook at every single leaf, etc.

Because of the suggestions I received I'm now more eager than ever to get going, and as soon as my pony has put some of his lost winter weight back on we'll be trying out the suggestions offered. In the meantime we are doing a lot of bonding (i.e. grooming and spending time together in the field) and walking out in-hand. But rest assured when the time comes, that saddle and bridle will be coming out of the tack room and boo sucks to everyone else, we're just going to get on with it and if anyone wants to laugh well they can just get on with it. We're going to have fun and feel safe, even if we're not whizzing round x-country courses every weekend and winning rosettes every time we go out.
 
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