Confidence- Please help me

Kokopelli

Kokopelli

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This time last year I got my first horse, a very well schooled 16hh school master. He seemed fantastic when we tried him, his size put me off a bit but he was so responsive it didn't matter that much. We had him about 3 months and things really started going down hill, fast. Taz got into the bad habbit of napping and when he did this he would do a huge rear then a massive buck I would normally sit this but sometimes he'd send me flying. I gradually was petriffied of Taz and couldn't bare riding him again, we turned him away for a month then sent him off for schooling to be sold on to someone a bit bigger who could get after him.

Whilst he was at the proffesional yard I said to my mum that I needed to ride him atleast once or I will never get over my confident issues, the only ponies I was getting on were the ones I was backing as I never get scared on the ponies 13hh and under. So I went to ride him and said I'm only going to walk around, by then end of the lesson I was jumping him 1.05!! :)

I started having lessons on my instructors horses until I found a new one, my old pony had ot be sold as Taz wasn't worth enough after me ruining him to get a new one. I started getting more confident on my instructors horses and started jumping them a reasonable height and I felt I was really getting my confidence back.

Then it all started going down hill again when we were looking for horses. We went to a big name dealer (If you want name I'll PM you as I feel people should be warned of this place) I was appaently going to see a safe horse with some scope who was always in a snaffle mouth. So I get to the yard see the horse being ridden and he looked ok so I got on him, we literally walked 4 steps and the thing bolted! And I mean a proper bolt, he jumped a 6ft bank and were now on open moors! I was terrified I circled him back to the arena and we did 53 20 metre circles (my mum counted) before I could get him slow enough to jump off. Then the dealer has the cheek to ask us if were still interested!!!

So driving home I burst into tears asking my mum why I'm such a bad rider because if I was any good the horse wouldn't have bolted with me. My mum reassured me but I was back to square one again and I refused to get on anything at all I was absolutly terrified! Luckily my instructors are brilliant and I started having lunge lessons on one of the horses I felt confident on and again I felt my confidence coming back and I got to the stage where I thought I was ready to look at horses again.

We looked at a few but nothing caught my eye, then I saw a video of one which looked brilliant and he was only 148 so a good size for me, I saw videos of this horse and he looked very quiet and was popping 1.15 courses. I sat on him really got on with him really well and a canter on the left rein then on the right rein I cantered and this thing took off with me! I was terrified again to the point I couldn't physically pull on the rein as I was just frozen. I snapped out of it pointed the thing at a wall and promptly got off to hear the seller say, "ohh yeah he has a tendency to do that". He told us on the phone he was a quiet pony!

So theres me a nerve of wrecks again but I found it easier to get through it I just kept saying to my self "Whats the worst that can happen, you fall off, thats it all you do is fall then get up again". So we continued our search for horses but this time I was more careful about what I got on, if the horse looked quirky I wouldn't get on it we owuld say no thankyou and walk away. We even drove 6 hours to see one to be told he was snaffle mouthed then to get there and he's in a pelham and the rider could barely hold him in that.

I was just about to give up when we was at a show watching a possible horse to buy and he just looked perfect he was so chilled and relaxed and I just knew he looked safe but he could still jump the heights. So we arrange to go see said horse and the seller rode him so I could see what he could do, he had wonderful faltwork and as a stocky 15hh was jumping novice BE tracks! Then the seller got her friend to ride him and she was utterly useless and the horse just looked after her so well when she flapping over the jumps he just kind of said "sit still I'll do the work" I got on him and fell in love with him I popped him over about 1.20 and he just flew then I took him in the xc field (Yes I rode in an open field) and he got a bit strong but he came back to me and after a good gallop he was just so chilled he wasn't jogging or anything.

We arranged to go see him a second time and we had my instructor with us this time and a deposit, but we get half way up the motorway to be told that she had sold him to someone else because they didn't want a vetting! I was devastated and I just didn't know if I could ride another horse or if I would find another horse as safe and as talented as this one.

So the search continues my confidence is up and down but nothing catches my eye until we see Koko. At first I thought he may look a bit too speedy for me but once your on him he's fine, he's a lot younger then the horse I wanted but he just seemed to say "trust me" so we tried him twice and I just love him to pieces.

But recently he's been getting really strong and when I don't feel 100% in control I keep getting flashbacks to these horrible moments when I was trying out horses. I don't feel confident hacking him properrly and my mum is urging for me to do xc on him but I'm scared I won't stop. I've stopped riding him forward so now his flatwork is suffering and I jsut feel so awful I feel like I'm ruining him.

But I had a lesson today on him and I put him in his snaffle! I haven't had the guts to do this in ages and I felt so good afterwards when I said stop he stopped, when I said go he went and this Friday I'm taking him xc schooling! EEK! I'm so nervous yet excited were going with a very quiet horse to baby him around and now I'm enetered in a two phase at the end of October, I will not chicken out of this. I'm not worried about the SJ but just thinking about the xc sends my heart racing I used to do eventing with my old pony and he was just the safest thing ever and recently I keep saying to myself I wish I had Westie back and its ruining my relationship with Koko. I would love to take Koko for a good gallop in the fields but I'm to scared Iw on't stop at the end!

I just didn't know where to vent my feelings so I've come on here to tell you guys. I feel I don't have the right to be nervous because I haven't fallen off so therefore I shouldn't be scared right? I feel I'm ruining a good horse and wish I never bought him because he's wasted with me.

I've never told anyone this before but I just knew I had to get it out to do the xc schooling on Friday! I'm so not going to chicken out and as long as friday goes well I'm definatly doing the two phase! Before Taz and the awful horses I tried I would get on anything, do anything and now I'm scared of riding in a big field :(

Very sorry for the rant but I had to tell someone! Ben and Jerrys for you all :)

Any ideas what I can do to get over this?
 
I think that you've done fantastically well after some awful experiences! Just focus on the positive - yes - you can do it, you've done it before! I have a confidence issue, like you. All you can do is work on it one day at a time. Good luck!
 
charmeroo said:
I think that you've done fantastically well after some awful experiences! Just focus on the positive - yes - you can do it, you've done it before! I have a confidence issue, like you. All you can do is work on it one day at a time. Good luck!
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Thankyou for reading my essay! :p I just needed to get things off my chest really. I just hope one day I'm back to my normal self :)
 
Hiya, Do you have a friend or would your instructor take him out for a good gallop? This way you can see for yourself that he will stop. Dont know if this would help but it would make me feel better if i was in your possition!

Sounds like you have alot of good help around you (mum, instructors) so please dont worry that you are going to ruin him. Its hard to get confidence back once it has been knocked but work at it, It will come back!!

Good luck and chin up!!

xXx
 
Youve done brilliantly to continue after all that, and not allow it to stop you riding.
You have a fantastic horse there, and in time your confidence will come back :D
I take rescue remedy every time I'm going to jump and it just takes the edge off :) Maybe try that for the xc.
Good luck, although you wont need it, you'll be fab at xc :D
 
I got some brilliant instructors and my mum is just fantastic she drives me and Koko around everywhere and is very supportive, I know I would have given up completly after Taz without them.

Thankyou for the encouragement, I may get someone to gallop him for me, thats not a bad idea, I just would love to go out hacking again it would be so good for his muscle development aswell.

If I ever post a pic or a vid please tell me if you think I'm ruining him I need some brutal honesty :o
 
Remember the horse doesn't know about 'potential'....whenever you have days where you think of that, just remind yourslf that actually, Koko would feel no differently jumping big fences and galloping, than he would do just stood there eating :)

I'm sure you'll be fine, push the doubt aside and keep at it.

Remember....your jumping video of you two jumping, converted me to admitting that, I of all people liked a spotty!!! So you must be doing something right ;) :p


ETA -if you ever want a sane buddy XC or fun rides or anything, plenty of people including myself are sort of near by!
 
Well done for overcoming all those setbacks! I'm not surprised you're nervous after all that.
I'm sure you're not ruining Koko. Keep listening to your instructor and I'm sure you'll be fine. My tip is to only plan one challenge at a time, or you could end up being over-faced. So wait until you have successfully completed each competition before planning the next one. This will give you the opportunity to concentrate on the matter in-hand without becoming anxious about the next challenge.
 
Binky01 said:
Remember the horse doesn't know about 'potential'....whenever you have days where you think of that, just remind yourslf that actually, Koko would feel no differently jumping big fences and galloping, than he would do just stood there eating :)

I'm sure you'll be fine, push the doubt aside and keep at it.

Remember....your jumping video of you two jumping, converted me to admitting that, I of all people liked a spotty!!! So you must be doing something right ;) :p


ETA -if you ever want a sane buddy XC or fun rides or anything, plenty of people including myself are sort of near by!
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I feel kind of better now if I do ruin him! But I'm pretty sure he'd love to be out galloping, xc isn't my main discipline but I like to do the pony club teams and I would really like to get on the teams again.

Really!?! :eek: thats rather shocked me, I'm not a big fan of spotties till I got him and I thought hmm maybe they are nice. Thankyou very much :)

If my xc buddy cancells on me I will definatly do a search for a sane person to do schooling with (my mums even offering to pay for the person)

Thankyou :)
 
Ditto....stay doing the same things and wait until you are bored senseless and then move up to the next thing :D Then you're making the decision that you want to do more and take it 'to the next level' so to speak :)

ETA - yeeep I remember posting on your post lol! He looks like a little dude :D I'm Swindon area, so if you're ever down this way let me know and I'll try and get transport to XC school or whatever if you wanted :D Took my lad for his first time last weekend...but he's generally safe and sane and jumps everything so if you wanted company anytime I'm sure he would be up for it! :)
 
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Binky01 said:
Ditto....stay doing the same things and wait until you are bored senseless and then move up to the next thing :D Then you're making the decision that you want to do more and take it 'to the next level' so to speak :)

ETA - yeeep I remember posting on your post lol! He looks like a little dude :D I'm Swindon area, so if you're ever down this way let me know and I'll try and get transport to XC school or whatever if you wanted :D Took my lad for his first time last weekend...but he's generally safe and sane and jumps everything so if you wanted company anytime I'm sure he would be up for it! :)
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Yes I remember you posting on it now :) Koko came from Swindon way aswell, can you recommend any good courses, were going to Hilltop on Friday as this is where the two phase is. I didn't go to much xc with my old pony as we just took him to the PC area and that was it :p

Well at the two phase I'm doing a 2ft3 which people goign will be horrible about but its the height I'm comfy at xcing anyway :p The funny thing is I'm not scared about the fences I'm scared about what happens after the fences! :o
 
I know exactly how you feel about losing confidence and not being able to find the next horse after a super pony, but so glad you've found one. A fact that always helps me out is that a super fit racehorse can only flat out gallop for four furlongs, around 800metres, so if worse does come to worse push the horse on and forward he'll soon tire out and problem solved, well atleast that what i say to myself to calm myself down when my horse won't stop. Good luck with the xc :)
 
Aaaah I see :D

TBH, it was the first XC schooling I've done in about 3 years! Jump solid fences out hunting and fun rides, but not really done XC properly since college and my PC days a few years back!

I went to Rabson Manor, and it is a really really nice course. Loads of variety to jump and plenty for everyone really...I arrived and saw some of the bigger ones and had decided I wasn't doing them. But the jumps all jumped so nicely we ended up jumping all of them by the end of the hour! So would highly recommend Rabson for definate :D
http://www.rabsonmanor.co.uk/gallery.php
I really want to go to Boomerang too, not sure exactly where it is tbh or how far...just looks quite good!
 
I agree with Binky - it needs to be YOU that makes the decision to take it to the next level. You aren't ruining him at all. Horses only care if they are fed and not bullied in the fields. Anything other than that is just because they're being asked to.

If it helps much, I lost my confidence so bad that i stopped jumping my BSJA schoolmaster for FIVE years. (there were a few medical issues in there for both of us but still, he was supposed to be the horse that took me onto serious stuff)

He was an amazing superstar and every day I regret what happened and feel I wasted him but he's happier now than I've ever known him just mooching about in the field and doing what we want.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself to do certain things or feel that you're ruining Koko. You completely aren't! Your confidence will come back in time, you just mustn't be hard on yourself

xxxx
 
Boomerang is lovely and I think Koko has been there its in Berkshire I think although I could be wrong, I must admit the giant banana and tooth brush look very interesting :)

Maletto- Thanks, I've always been one of these people who push to much which is =n't great for my confidence.

I think I have also lost confidence in my riding ability aswell as in my horse, I get embarrased when people watch me and at shows I feel like a goldfish in a bowl!
 
Well I need one more person for team chasing next month! Get drunk and come join us haha! Our team consists of my ex-racer, bosses lunatic lightweight who's jumping career hasn't yet started and the retired grade A SJ. Pmsl!!!! Our round will be pure entertainment for the publicI should think! :p :D
 
Binky01 said:
Well I need one more person for team chasing next month! Get drunk and come join us haha! Our team consists of my ex-racer, bosses lunatic lightweight who's jumping career hasn't yet started and the retired grade A SJ. Pmsl!!!! Our round will be pure entertainment for the publicI should think! :p :D
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Hmm if I ever do team chasing it will be with a gun held to my head or I will be severly drunk/ drugged :p I haven't got the guts to do it in any other circumstances :)
 
lol if it was me i'd tie my stirrups to the girth hahaahaha :) :)

good luck i lost all my confidence even when jumping jazz like i wouldn't go over a x pole without nearly crying i used to fall off him twice a week just bcoz i couldn't ride he was perfect and just stood there like wot the **** you've done it again mum you're an idiot now sort it out loooool... i tied my stirrups to the girth and now my confidence is sky high - i'll jump anything put in front of me! have fallen off though


suppose my post hasn't really helped coz i'm mainly the problem whereas you're not it's just the horses :S i dno in my opinion ex racers are quite sweet and genuine I find... much easier and smaller to get your legs wrapped around than bigger horses that feels like you're riding a table LOL xxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Jazzaria said:
lol if it was me i'd tie my stirrups to the girth hahaahaha :) :)

good luck i lost all my confidence even when jumping jazz like i wouldn't go over a x pole without nearly crying i used to fall off him twice a week just bcoz i couldn't ride he was perfect and just stood there like wot the **** you've done it again mum you're an idiot now sort it out loooool... i tied my stirrups to the girth and now my confidence is sky high - i'll jump anything put in front of me! have fallen off though


suppose my post hasn't really helped coz i'm mainly the problem whereas you're not it's just the horses :S i dno in my opinion ex racers are quite sweet and genuine I find... much easier and smaller to get your legs wrapped around than bigger horses that feels like you're riding a table LOL xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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I know what you mean about the table! Luckily I don't get that with koko because he's a dainty little thing and at 14.3 he's short aswell :p

I must admit the closest thing I've retrained from an exracer is my old pony who did pony racing and he was probably just as bad as a TB just a lot shorter :)

What does tieing your stirrups to the girth do?
 
I think sometimes not falling off can be worse than falling off. If you don't fall off but the horse bolts/rears/bucks etc then you can start to think about what could have hsappened if you did fall off and all these bad thoughts start to enter your mind! If you do fall off after a horse bolts/rears/bucks and you don't have a nasty fall you can sometimes get up thinking, ''well the worst happened and i fell off but oh well it wasn't that bad''

I've had that a couple of times when riding. A horse suddenly bolted and jumped about 5 trotting poles with me but i stayed on a brought her to a stop fairly easily after she jumped it but really **** myself afterwards! the same horse next time i rode her bolted to a jump, jumped it massively and then bucked on landing and i fell off but i felt quite happy about getting back on.

I think for your confidence what i see written in a lot of magazines is sitting in a quiet room by yourself and visualising these events and playing them back in your mind like a movie. Whilst you visualise them (such as the bolting incident where the horse jumped a massive hedge) try to take all of the 'bad moments' out and gradually change the whole perception of the video, say to the horse bolting and then you simply turn him a couple of circles and he calms down right away, and you being totally confident in doing this.

With regards to the galloping and cross country try to visualise a 'pretend' video in your head before you ride it where the whole thing goes brilliantly and your horse is easy to control and sail over all the jumps and feel really happy and confident.

hope this helps :)
 
Take your time and build up slowly. The others are right, it has to come from you!

When I get nervous, I say to myself out loud to get over it and man up, but I wouldn't say that to anyone else! Only you knows what works best for you.

Good luck, I've been admiring your spotty horse in your siggy for AGES, he is an absolute stunner! You two will look fab when you're confident again and out and about showing people what you can do :)
 
I'm sorry you're having a confidence wobble. Try not to beat yourself up about it. You aren't ruining koko! Don't push yourself too much or put pressure on yourself. Just move on at the speed you feel comfortable with. If some days that is less than you have done before, then don't worry about it!

I have had a massive confidence low (some days on my safe as houses mare I didn't even feel safe to walk along the drive without someone by her head - it was mad as I KNOW she is safe and she has never shown me anything other than honest and safe behaviour, but there was a big part of my head that just couldn't get that to sink in). Am now am starting to come out of it - we actually enjoy cantering in fields on hacks (previously I would have felt physicaly sick if I did this!) and thinking about going sj (we never have before!). You will come out of the other side, just try not to put the blame and pressure on yourself.

I had hypnothereapy for it which I found really helpful. It isn't like Paul Mckenna!! It isn't a magic instant fix and does require you to work on certain tecniques but I found it really good. I was recommended the guy I went to and thought he was excellent. This is who I used http://www.richardparsons.net/ It isn't v cheap, first session is free where you get to know each other and you discuss what you hope to gain from it and Richard explains how you will work on it so you know what to expect. I had an additional two sessions which were about £60 each (if I remember rightly). It was money well spent for me as it helped me turn a corner with my confidence and I was just suck in a scary rut and feeling very depressed about it. I still sometimes use what I learnt to help me get my nerves under control in any situation where my nerves are out of scale with what I am aiming to do. Really useful stuff.

fwiw, I only saw you riding for a little bit at summerhouse (was watching the pretty spotty pony while waiting for my tea and bacon butty!) but I really thought you rode him well. He obviously wasn't being v helpful (though I think you have found the reason for that?), you calmly rode him round in a nice quiet manner and kept him going nicely forwards. When he was a bugger and ran out you didn't have a fit at him or loose your cool!
 
Dobby- I say to myself "man up" all the time, sometimes it really helps me. I'm going to try visulising aswell I think this may be very helpful :)

Glosgirl- I've been hearing a lot about Richard Parsons he does sound amazing but at the moment we haven't got very much money to spare (vet bills) I might ask to have one of his sessions for christmas :)

Yeah he wasn't sound on sunday the day after so we think thats why he was napping but he's also trying me on a bit as he's being a bit of a stroppy teenager! Thankyou I've been working hard on not loosing my cool when things go wrong, when I was younger I used to but I feel I'm a lot calmer now and in that situation the best thing to do was to jump the first jump and leave, I'm glad its working.
 
Sorry to hear you're having a confidence wobble, I think I'm starting to come out the other side of a similar thing myself :)

How often do you have lessons? Could you think about a new instructor?

Finding my fab new RI has been the single best thing I ever did for my confidence. We went right back to basics. She has helped my seat improve so much, I know that *if* anything goes wrong I *am* capable of staying on. It's helped improve my confidence so much.

She's also taught me to ride with my brain. Because she helps me understand everything we're doing, how & why I'm riding, I feel much more in tune with m horse. This makes me feel safer, because I know if she were to misbehave, I can feel it coming and react much faster & more effectively.

I do hope you get your confidence back & have a fab time XC schooling :)
 
FleabittenT said:
Sorry to hear you're having a confidence wobble, I think I'm starting to come out the other side of a similar thing myself :)

How often do you have lessons? Could you think about a new instructor?

Finding my fab new RI has been the single best thing I ever did for my confidence. We went right back to basics. She has helped my seat improve so much, I know that *if* anything goes wrong I *am* capable of staying on. It's helped improve my confidence so much.

She's also taught me to ride with my brain. Because she helps me understand everything we're doing, how & why I'm riding, I feel much more in tune with m horse. This makes me feel safer, because I know if she were to misbehave, I can feel it coming and react much faster & more effectively.

I do hope you get your confidence back & have a fab time XC schooling :)
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I have 3 instructors, one for dressage one fore jumping and one I can only afford to go to occasionally but I learn so much in her lessons.

I have about two lessons a week sometime one a week and all three are just fantastic instructors. My main one has taught me for about 8 years so knows me inside out, my jumping one is just brilliant aswell and my special instructor is probably the best person I have ever had lessons with. If I feel nervous or my position isn't good she'll give me a lunge lesson or if I feel confident we'll go in her jump field and jump :)

I think my main problem is I over think, I'm always like what if this happens and I over anaylyse things.

I've been trying to work on getting out of my brain, if this makes sense and with the help of my mum an dmy instructors I feel I'm progressing a bit. Thanks for your help I feel less pathetic since posting this thread its really helped me :D
 
Kokopelli said:
I think my main problem is I over think, I'm always like what if this happens and I over anaylyse things.
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Glad I'm not the only one that does this! My head just gets really bogged down in thinking too much, and scaring me!

Good luck with things! A christmas pressie sounds a good plan for Richard! (Must admit, you have quite a few lessons, iiwy I would be temped to have a couple less over the month and have a bit of hypno - but then I am a convert!!).
 
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