Continued unrest with livery client

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TheRedMare

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So... I made my decision to speak to the yard manager about the issues with the other livery client, who wanted to put up a wall to "stop my mare from getting at her horse". There was the distance the size of a stable between our horses and half-walls separating them from this space. It's come to light that she wants to put a new horse in that stable space (so would be able to touch over a half-wall) but will still be a gelding and they don't want my mare next to their gelding.

(Is it so common to dislike mares so strongly?)

I spoke to the land owner who doesn't want and will not allow modifications like this to his stable (in my opinion, we all knew the set up of the stables beforehand and that they had half-walls between each stable). I am reluctant to move my horse from this yard because she is settling beautifully with routine and also...we're also wishing to rent the land owner's cottage, next to the stable. This is a rare opportunity that I may never get again, to live so close to my horse. Due to taking on extra work (freelancing), time is also money so being close cuts out driving time, petrol cost and allows my partner and I a much nicer, quieter place to live than our current flat (which has problems with theft, drug use and littering - it's a horrible place).

However...this has caused extra friction and I believe is the reason that things did a 180 when I was managing to say "hi" and chat about the weather to the other livery client. Things came to a head today when I received messages berating me for breaking the main stable door (I am kicking myself...was a stupid mistake, wind caught the door) and I was blamed for "breaking the door earlier". Now, when I broke the door, I immediately let the yard manager know by text. The same problem happened with the door a couple of weeks back but I am 100% certain that it was not me. The door was left secured open into the "walkway" and all other horse's stables were secure and there was no risk of them getting out. I left it open as I was afraid of the wind catching it again if I left the kick bar only on the bottom. (Door fixed within 12 hours, only this long as tools were in my partner's car not the tack room, still feeling like an idiot.)

Anyway...I asked her to speak to the yard manager as I didn't feel I could engage positively, especially by text messages. I raised the issue of the "barricade" also and that I was unhappy with modifying the stable (just worried my horse will roll, kick it, bite it, eat it, it'll fall into a stable, it won't be sturdy, it'll cause injury, it'll increase her stress again from not being able to see other horses... They are worried that my mare will "spray the geldings". I've only seen mares urinate/present in season, along with the grumpiness that comes with some.) I maintain that they knew the lay out of the stables beforehand again... If it is not suitable, why would another horse be moved in?

I've spoken in person with the yard manager again, who I maintain is polite, respectful and would like to fix the problem. She has said that the other client may leave the yard and, if she does leave, the yard manager may also leave. I would be sad to not see her anymore, but I could not feel too guilty about that as she's not raised problems with me and appears to be happy with how I'm managing my mare away from the geldings.

The problem is...in this essay of a post...that I'm told that, if the yard manager leaves, she won't move her horse. He is 20+ and has some arthritis (appears ok otherwise, but I don't know the intricacies of his health). She says she'll have him shot and won't make him leave what has been his home for many years.

Whereas I'm not responsible for someone else's happiness, I DON'T WANT THE HORSE SHOT BECAUSE OF ME! He's a gorgeous boy! He seems happy, to my eye, and not struggling through winter with weight. Again, I don't know if he has any other health issues, but I feel like even CONSIDERING other issues is just me trying to absolve myself of guilt and responsibility here!

One side says I'm being bullied and forced out. The other side says I can't live with the possibility of being the cause of a horse's death.

It seems like a ridiculous situation... I want to get along. I want to say hello and goodbye and talk about the weather, if the other client would like that too. I would not be upset if this client (who can't even, as yet, tell me what I've done wrong so I can fix it) left the yard. I would be devastated and never forgive myself if a horse was put down because of me.

I want to live in the cottage and enjoy the peace and quiet. I want to enjoy being able to have a garden again and have a better quality of home life. I want the rare opportunity to live so close to my horse, as I doubt I'll be able to do this again in the future, not where I am in the country. I am reluctant to move my horse as she is settling and happy, the field is much better for her (she had no turn out before), the stable is roomy/airy, plenty of space to store hay/straw, little feed shed handy, she has buddies here, she can go out full time in summer with the buddies.

I don't want to cause trouble, but I don't want to be bullied either when this yard is so good for my mare's health and she's settling after the huge change for her.

What the hell do I do? Is there something I've missed that I could be doing to help things?

Should I just give up for the sake of making other people happy? I'm happy there most of the time (only problem is this upset) and am very happy to be civil/friendly to this other client.

I wish it was all out of my hands and I could go back to focusing on my horse. The more I read this through, the more it sounds unbelievable and a small thing spiralling into a big, monstrous thing that really shouldn't have happened to begin with.

I appreciate all replies and thoughts. I always wonder if there's something obvious I'm missing and sometimes people outside the immediate situation can offer better insight.
 
This smacks of emotional blackmail.I hope you don't cave in, perhaps you could take over the role of yard manager,especially as you will be onsite and there are only 3/4 stables?
 
So she's going to choose to have her horse put down and leave her job as YM just because her friend wants to leave the yard?

They all sound barmy to me.
 
I don't want to be yard manager, I just want to enjoy my horse and a nicer home life for myself and my partner.

I probably sound really stupid but I was crying over it last night and had to give her horse a cuddle this morning.
 
Sorry, she's not employed YM, just point of contact for LO. She organises turnout (if they have to stay in for any reason), fencing, field being topped, sorts problems/disputes, things like that. She was also popping my mare out with hers in the morning too, which I thought was very kind of her.
 
Its a ridiculous situation OP, you have a Horse, not a dragon!!!

Do not be bullied into moving! Your Horse is happy and you like it there too.

In regards to spraying, some mares don't even bother. My mare will spray a new gelding for a few days, once she has lost interest she couldn't care less. It is absurd that is their reasoning. They don't even know how your mare will react.

In regards to the other Horse being PTS, this is nothing to do with you. The owner may have other reasoning's for this and do not let her emotionally blackmail you. If the Horse is in their 20's with arthritis then I agree that I wouldn't move the Horse, but I would never imply it is down to someone else. It is her decision and hers only.
 
Request to also rent livery yard alongside cottage from LO, offer to take on YM's retired gelding as companion to your horse, tell other livery to sling hook. Enjoy place to yourself.
 
In the nicest way possible you need to ‘grow a pair’.
Do not succumb to emotional blackmail.
You just tell them you are not modifying the stable, end of. Then get on with your own life. Honestly, you will probably find it quite liberating!
 
Lexi_ said:
So she's going to choose to have her horse put down and leave her job as YM just because her friend wants to leave the yard?

They all sound barmy to me.
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666
This mad as a box of frogs. if I were you I would volunteer to ring the knacker man for them.
 
It’s a mare, not a lion ffs. They don’t aim the spray, in fact it’s not usually a spray at all, but a trickle.

If she chooses to have her horse it’s because her friend is leaving then that’s on the concience of her, or even the friend for that matter. She’ll leave knowing that the horse will be pts because of it, when it’s a petty argument over nothing!

They are bullying you. Stand your ground and they’ll learn that it’s pointless. Rent your cottage and if they don’t like it they ought to go. Somebody living that close would actually benefit them if only they weren’t too stupid to see it.
 
TheRedMare said:
I always wonder if there's something obvious I'm missing and sometimes people outside the immediate situation can offer better insight.
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This is the bit you are missing

I wish it was all out of my hands
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It is all out of your hands. It never was in your hands to start with.

The livery sounds absolutely barking "getting at her gelding", "spraying her gelding" - what is she on?

The Yard Manager walking out of her job just like that and shooting her horse over nothing. Honestly - who can live with this level of drama?

If you jumped through every hoop they presented to you it would never be enough.
 
Merlod said:
Request to also rent livery yard alongside cottage from LO, offer to take on YM's retired gelding as companion to your horse, tell other livery to sling hook. Enjoy place to yourself.
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Perfect solution!

However, as far as you being responsible for the death of a horse, which is not yours; I have never heard anything so ridiculous! The owner is responsible for what happens to the horse, not you. And if I remember correctly the space between the two currently occupied stables isn't suitable as a stable as it is a thoroughfare from the stable your mare is currently in.
In your position, I would talk directly to the LO, explaining everything that you have told us on here. IMO, you need to toughen up and stop letting these two idiots bully you.
 
I followed your other post, with much sympathy - my gut response is:

(a) You're a caring, empathetic, well rounded person who thinks of others - be proud of that, the other people in this yard should be wildly grateful to be sharing with someone of your qualities.
(b) The fact they don't is NOT your fault or responsibility
(c) Shift your perspective completely on this (and know that's tough due to (a)!) - your family's and horse's welfare are your primary responsibility, so deal with that first and give other people's unreasonable demands (or flagrant attempts to bully you!) the consideration they deserve (ie none). Look at them clearly for what they are and treat them accordingly.

Grab that cottage. Enjoy the garden. Safeguard your mare's lovely social and appropriate stable. Live the dream!!

The Yard Owner (ie, the only person who's opinion counts here) is backing you, and appears to be open you have you live on his property and entrust you with his cottage. I'd imagine, should the (not) YM leave, along with Mrs Unreasonable that would leave you as the trusted contact, and open to welcome some new and lovely liveries. Happy days.

I'm WELL jealous - and I suspect that's exactly what's driving this bonkers livery person... Walls? Spraying? Non essential Doors broken for a whole 30min? In the cold light of day (or even in the warm, angry light of a nutter) its ridiculous. You're the best livery mate EVER.

As for YM and Emotional Blackmailer #2. I'm sorry you had to be faced with such a horrible and selfish statement. Again, see it clearly - IF (IF!) she puts her horse down, that's her decision, her responsibility and absolutely not yours. Next time she's try to pack you up on this disgraceful guilt trip, perhaps take a deep breath, paste a sad face on - look her in the eye and say you'd be sad for her but you'd respect her decision and her right to make it for her horse.

I really hope this works out for you - its totally in your gift to make it work out, you have a wonderful situation there if you get these people back in their sensible boxes :)
 
Merlod said:
Request to also rent livery yard alongside cottage from LO, offer to take on YM's retired gelding as companion to your horse, tell other livery to sling hook. Enjoy place to yourself.
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This.

Have these people ever seen a mare in real life before? Does she imagine her gelding is going to be leaving his stable covered in mare wee (etc) or something? I've been on many a mixed yard and have yet to see such a thing.
 
Hold firm!! They are in cahoots to try and get you out.

My guess would be they don't like the fact that you speak regularly to the yard/land owner. They are probably hopping mad that you may get to rent the cottage. The YM clearly needs the permission from the YO to make the modifications, which she does not have.

Do you know what? If they want to leave, let them! You love the yard but they are making your life a misery. Them leaving sounds like the perfect solution to me! :) Oh and if the YM decides to have her old horse PTS that is her decision and absolutely nothing to do with you so don't let her guilt trip you.

Just keep doing what you're doing. Ignore them and their mad little schemes and sit back and wait for the day when they are gone and you and your mare can relax. :)
 
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First of all, you have to stop feeling any kind of guilt for the decisions that these other two adults take.

In your first posts in the other thread, you pointed out that the woman you refer to as YM, is not employed to be Yard Manager, and this is why I referred to her in my replies as acting yard manager. Also, that you get on well with her and found her reasonable.

The whole thread has described the problem as being with the "other livery" with the gelding.

Now we learn that
  • the land owner won't allow modifications to his building that is used to stable the horses
  • if that other livery leaves, the acting YM will leave as well, and have her own 20 year old horse put down.


I would suggest the same thing as Merlod. You want to rent the cottage, talk to the owner about that. Get it done as quickly as possible. Occupy the space physically; once you do that, you'll probably find it emotionally easier to stand up to the other livery and tell her where to go. Especially since you'll have your partner physically there and able to give you moral support more easily. At the same time, continue to do the right thing and also keep on good terms with the acting YM. Occupy the moral high ground, too.

If that works and she leaves, the acting YM might not leave, solving the emotional problem of the 20 year old horse. If she still decides to leave, then as per Merlod's suggestion: offer to adopt the horse in its retirement if you can handle that. But think carefully: how much is it going to cost to keep him, not just in food but also in vet's bills?

And this:
Suncat said:
Next time she's try to pack you up on this disgraceful guilt trip, perhaps take a deep breath, paste a sad face on - look her in the eye and say you'd be sad for her but you'd respect her decision and her right to make it for her horse.
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It's not your decision, not your responsibility, not your fault, so it's not your guilt, either.
 
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Can't add anymore to others advice OP but I wanted to say good luck, I hope you win through this and get your cottage and peaceful horse life. These are proper manipulators who seem to have an underlying plan and are prepared to go to unpleasant lengths to get that yard to themselves. Playing the guilt trip on you with the older horse is a wicked thing to do, but it clearly shows the sort of people you are dealing with here. Stick to your guns with your mare's stable and take Merlod's advice if you can. I hope it works out for you.
 
What a mess! Sounds like livery and YM are a bunch of drama queens. I've never heard something so silly, are these grown women???

As others have said, don't let them emotionally blackmail you into going! It sounds like a lovely small yard and your mare is happy, there is absolutely no reason for you to leave at all. And the cottage sounds ideal.

They have no idea how your mare will react to a new gelding, so they have no leg to stand on really. Why, when your mare has been perfectly well behaved, would they anticipate putting a horse next to her would cause so many problems?? In some of the blocks at my yard, the stables have half walls and then bars inbetween the stables, the horses can touch through the bars but not reach over, mares and geldings quite happily live next to each other and there are no issues....

As for the YM putting her horse down... how ridiculous to pin that on you. It is HER decision and her decision only if she puts her horse to sleep. Absolutely nothing to do with you being at the yard or another livery leaving.

Please don't let them blackmail you, you sound like a lovely, conscientious person and you've done nothing wrong.

Also, things break, whether it's your fault or not things break and need to be fixed... You didn't do it on purpose so that shouldn't factor into anything!
 
The landowner has said no modifications to the stables... So they have to suck that up, nothing to do with you.

If they want their geldings separate then the most common sense thing to do is to put your mare in the single stable and the geldings in the row of three... But I believe you said last time that the ym was not willing to even do this even though this means all are accommodated.

No one is going to have their horse shot because of another person... Either she was thinking of doing it anyway, and decided it was a nice little blackmail point, or she is bluffing for the same reason..... OR... She is trying to get you to volunteer to bring him in etc like the other livery... In which case, why not ask?

You are not responsible for the ym's horse or what happens to it. Whatever she decides is entirely on her own head.

Sort out the cottage, enjoy being near your horse and leave the others to work out their own problems.
 
Nothing to add that hasn't already been said. Do remember that IF the 'YM' does have her horse pts that it is her decision and absolutely not down to you.
 
I also can't add any more and agree that this stinks of emotional blackmail and I think you need to stand up for yourself this time, but I really hope you get this sorted. Rent that cottage, stand your ground and let them leave, with or without elderly horse. You can't feel guilty for something you have no control over, and making the decision to PTS is something you have no control over.

Keep us posted, I'd like to know how this all turns out for you!
 
You are in such a strong position, but you don't know it! Focus on yourself only, you want that cottage and you want the idyllic lifestyle of having your horse in effectively your back garden. The land owner wants YOU to rent the cottage and also wants YOU to be a livery on his land. The barriers to that are two fellow liveries that are intent on thwarting your plans by any means; emotional blackmail, outright bullying, humiliating you, rejecting you, the list goes on. Rise above it, the goal is far greater than the discomfort. And if they leave - good riddance! See what the land owner says about Merlod's excellent solution.

The land owner wants no changes to be made to his property so the fellow livery can't move her horse under her conditions, otherwise she breaks the terms of the agreement and you should go straight to the land owner.

I think you need a new door if a bit of wind breaks it rather than beating yourself up about the damage.
 
I think even if you had bought a gelding they would be coming up with some reason to make nonsense too. FWIW we have a mare and gelding next to each other, with a large talk window, she has never sprayed at him in the last 13 years!

It is all nonsense, there are several easy solutions that they are choosing not to take (moving YM's gelding, not getting another horse on the yard (new person presumably aware that even if separated you will be walking your mare through their stable). Let them leave, rent the cottage, have a lovely life!
 
My partner has already said that we'd offer to take the older horse on without me saying anything.

I am unsure about having bars in the stable as mine rolls and I'm worried about a hoof getting stuck due to the height of the walls and size of her. I give her giant banks in there. She's quite a social horse, always had company in last home.

I haven't signed anything yet. I was thinking that is the other livery client took the cottage to rent, I wouldn't leave the yard but would be glad to have someone knowledgeable in there. There is a 20 yr or so age gap between us though. I've worked on yards before and not had any concerns over my horse care or mares behaviour raised, bar her putting her nose on the ponys bum when he walked past once.
 
I do feel bad for you OK especially regarding this "I will put my horse down" emotional blackmail. I understand exactly how it is to get backed into a corner like this and feel like everything is your fault. I'm soft and hate confrontation too...

But in all honesty this is an occasion when you really need to woman the **** up and stand up for yourself!

Besides the land owner has said no modifications to the stables so I would just fall back on that. Rent the cottage let these crazy women sort themselves out.

I still can't get over the fear of mares thing though, what is with that?
 
TheRedMare said:
My partner has already said that we'd offer to take the older horse on without me saying anything.

I am unsure about having bars in the stable as mine rolls and I'm worried about a hoof getting stuck due to the height of the walls and size of her. I give her giant banks in there. She's quite a social horse, always had company in last home.

I haven't signed anything yet. I was thinking that is the other livery client took the cottage to rent, I wouldn't leave the yard but would be glad to have someone knowledgeable in there. There is a 20 yr or so age gap between us though. I've worked on yards before and not had any concerns over my horse care or mares behaviour raised, bar her putting her nose on the ponys bum when he walked past once.
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Is the other client wanting to rent the cottage? If so, that's what this is all about. Get your OH organised quickly and make a firm arrangement with LO to the two of you are going to rent the cottage. That may well stop all the nonsense anyway.
There is nothing wrong with your horse care, or anything else that you do - they are trying to get rid of you, so that they can have the yard to themselves and the other livery can rent the cottage. It is obviously just as attractive an arrangement to her as it is to you.
You surely don't need to worry about bars in the stable as LO has *already said he doesn't want any alterations*. You seem to be going round in unnecessary circles here.
 
You have already said that the land owner has stated no changes so STOP trying to placate these idiots. No bars, no mesh, no solid wall.

So this cottage, it sounds like there's competition from the supposed yard manager for it. I reckon that's your problem.
 
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