Convincing your partner to buy a horse?

[Lippyx]

When I say youngster, I'm talking 5 yr old, sorry didn't mean totally just backed, figure of speech!
He has said he doesn't want me to give my lessons up, and I have considered loaning. Have loaned so many horses over the years and have even contacted a few advertised, but they want so much towards it, that I might as well use the money for livery on my own horse! One person wanted £300 a month for 3 days a week, on part livery! Its only £325 a month part livery at my yard. I appreciate I would be paying other monthly costs, but I still thought it was a little extreme? Maybe not?

LauraC - I have considered the sex ban LOL! I have also tried the puppy dog look etc!

If I had a horse I wouldn't want anything else! I guess I'll just have to get the money together and then show him how serious I am about this. I think he is worried that when we get our own place and his business was to go quiet then we'll struggle, but that's life! I have a good job, and I can't help but think we'll cross that bridge IF we come to it!

 

[WelshTilly]

Me and the OH both have expensive hobbies - mine is the horse(s), the OH has race cars. We worked out to the last penny how much day to day living costs and this is transferred into a account to cover all bills, rent, childcare, food etc with a little surplus for rainy days/takeaways lol. The rest is ours to spend as we choose and with no challenges allowed!!

I work hard for my money and would be fuming if he tried to put a stop on what I did with cash that I'd earnt and was genuinely spare.

Crazzah this sounds like me and my OH he is also races cars, I must admit my horses are cheap compared to the cars .....

OP like Cazzah this is what we did I'm lucky me and OH earn similar wages so bills are split 50/50 paid from a joint account which on a monthly basis we both put the same amount in to cover bills and a bit extra to cover emergencies....we started doing this for our current mortgage a lot higher than previous to enable our ability to afford prior to committing this was quite useful to prove to us affordability, may be a similar set up could prove to your OH.....I do think though if he's anything like my OH there is a time when you have to say I'm getting a horse you either like it or lump it although having there agreement is nice sometimes they can be selfish and make us run round after them without us realising and unintentionally .....men lol...

 

[Lippyx]

What I have been paying each month to pay off my debts is more than full livery!

 

[Cocorules]

I can understand a non horsey other half being worried about money and the time your own horse will take up especially if it is not just a house but kids that are on the cards in future. The trouble is if you defer it there never will be a good time to have your own. I would also question if you are right for him and him for you if you cannot agree on something which is such a passion for you. Life is all too short to spend it with someone who cannot do everything possible to help you reach for your dreams with you doing the same in return. However objectively rational he is.

I agree with other posters who have said a young horse is a bad idea as a first horse. 5 is young.

 

[misst]

Sorry but I think if he really cannot see that this will make you happy then is this the guy for you? Is it worth showing him this post? I would not adovcate doing anything behind his back but I would do it openly with your own money after making sure essentials were covered elsewhere.

The only thing I would say is get loads and loads of really good advice about the right horse for you. Show that you know what you are doing, get it vetted and try your darndest not to give him the opportunity to say "I told you so". Things do go wrong but if he can see that you tried your best to avoid the obvious pitfalls then that might help in the future.

My OH does not "get" horses. He has however supported my daughter and I for years both emotionally and sometimes financially because he knows it makes us happy. Even now he will will offer to help and even went down and fed them the other day He does this because he loves us. If your man loves you then he will want you to be happy.

 

[*hic*]

What I have been paying each month to pay off my debts is more than full livery!

Yes but you've been living with parents whilst you paid off your debt so your living expenses have been far lower than when you have your own place.

I'm sorry, it doesn't sound to me as though you have done your homework on what it will all REALLY cost - livery and mortgage are just the start I think you need to go through all the bills and be really truthful and realistic with yourself about what can go wrong and cause additional expense. Yes his hobbies need expensive things bought but he can just put them in a cupboard and the running costs cease. You will not be able to do that with a horse.

 

[mandwhy]

When I say youngster, I'm talking 5 yr old, sorry didn't mean totally just backed, figure of speech!
He has said he doesn't want me to give my lessons up, and I have considered loaning. Have loaned so many horses over the years and have even contacted a few advertised, but they want so much towards it, that I might as well use the money for livery on my own horse! One person wanted £300 a month for 3 days a week, on part livery! Its only £325 a month part livery at my yard. I appreciate I would be paying other monthly costs, but I still thought it was a little extreme? Maybe not?

LauraC - I have considered the sex ban LOL! I have also tried the puppy dog look etc!

If I had a horse I wouldn't want anything else! I guess I'll just have to get the money together and then show him how serious I am about this. I think he is worried that when we get our own place and his business was to go quiet then we'll struggle, but that's life! I have a good job, and I can't help but think we'll cross that bridge IF we come to it!

£300? Jeez was it some fancy competition horse? I pay £60 a month for my share for 2 days a week (3 days when I have more time) although we do just hack so far as no arena or anything, but it's better than no horse

I am looking to buy and finding a decent loan seems to be too hard (although I am not really in horsey circles e.g. livery yards), I just don't see the point really. Anyone buying can face unexpected things that mean they have to sell, no one can really guarantee it's forever, what if you lose your job, what if you get sick.... Personally when I buy I will buy the horse I want and hopefully do exactly what I want with it, I've had enough of shared/loaned horses where someone else is ultimately in control and can take the horse back when they want too! It's going be all mine

I'm sure you have thought about it, there are some good threads here on the cost of keeping a horse and can help you get a good idea of more economical ways to do it, and if you and the OH haven't moved in together yet, then there's no rush if a horse is a priority for you (and why shouldn't it be!). I'm sure you have friends like I do who can spend £100 in a weekend of drinking easily...

Also, I always say what if I already had a horse? A new partner couldn't expect you to get rid of it just like they wouldn't expect you to get rid of a cat or dog, I think we'd better all get horses before we have children and people question why we don't want to spend all the money on them!

 

[Jazzy B]

if it's just a timing thing and he wants to wait until you get your house etc then you can get a horse I would wait however, if its a case that his a complete control freak and the chances of you ever owning a horse is non-existent I would move on! Because buying the horse won't be your last purchase, then you want nice tack for it, good rugs, lessons, then you may or may not want to compete and ultimately you will need to change your car, get a trailer or get a lorry. Speaking from experience having been married to a complete control freak I would run for the hills!!! Horses are a complete passion and believe me, no matter how many times you try and put them away in a box and shut the lid they will get out even if you sit on the lid!

 

[Jesstickle]

I have two horses at the moment. I see your point of view but also your OH's

I'm sure he is worried about the money (you'd be amazed how much not living at home costs you if you haven't done it before, so you may be able to afford it now but will you once you have to pay council tax, food, gas etc etc etc?) but probably also about the tie horses are.

My OH is a wonderful, generous, kind man. He hasn't been on holiday for five years because I can't/won't leave the horses or I've used my AL for horse things and have none left. If we want to go away, even to a wedding for one night or home for Christmas, it is a huge palaver.

I am regularly so stressed out by things going wrong with the beasts that I am reduced to a sobbing wreck on the floor. He has to mop my tears and tell me it is all going to be ok which he does without complaining every time.

I never have disposable cash (although I do pay for my own horses and half the household expenditures) so when I want to buy anything out of the ordinary (my trailer for eg or the 4x4 I will have to buy in the next couple of months) he has to lend me and I pay him back.

I genuinely don't think I'll ever have children because there is always too much to do with the horses that would make it impractical. I am pretty bloody selfish about the creatures if I'm honest.

He puts up with all this quite cheerfully without complaining. And do you know what? I feel rotten about it quite regularly. His entire life revolves around the horses, despite them being nothing to do with him. He doesn't mind, he loves Nitty almost as much as I do, but I am at least aware of what a huge ask I make of him.

Perhaps your OH is concerned about some of these issues too? I don't know. If it's just money, he's being a stubborn toad. Your cash is yours to do with as you see fit. If he is worried about horses taking over his life he is almost certainly justified in his concerns and you're going to have to do some real explaining to get him to come round

 

[MyBoyChe]

Have read through this post quite quickly so apologies if Im repeating anything. When I got married in my early 20's I gave up my horsey life cos my OH didnt like it. We divorced after 8 years together when my son was 5 I am now in my late 40's and married to my 2nd husband. When we got together I realised that I could afford a horse again after a very long time without one and broached the subject with him. It came as a bit of a shock because. although he knew I had ridden in the past he had no idea of the strength of feeling I have for horses. We added up the costs and he agreed that I could go ahead and buy myself a horse, on the understanding that it would have to be the first thing to go if times get hard. I pay our rent and utilities, he pays for all food and non essentials like Sky, car costs and luxuries. I do sometimes feel a bit guilty because he doesnt spend much on himself, although that is his choice, but even he admits that the expense is worth it as I am a much nicer person with my regular horsey fix. Looking back, I wouldnt give up my horse again (unless it was a financial necessity).Im afraid any potential OH would have to accept me for what I am, horse and all!! Good luck

 

[miss_wilson]

Wow that is what happened to me!!! my OH was adamant that i was NOT to buy my own horse, so i part loaned for about 6 months, now low and behold i have my own!!!
Think they just soften over time!!!
good luck!!

 

[nicolagray]

dont go in to the his and hers money, however do not ask just explain that it is something you need to make you happy, and if it is what you want just do it and deal with every thing else after however if i was you i wouls also take in to account insurance costs as it is vital you are covered trust me on this my horses only cost me the basics for years however as they got older costs did mount up . good luck and follow your heart if you are taht way inclined you will end up resenting him because you feel controlled and he is stopping you having something you are passionate about. go for it girl

 

[Parker79]

I feel for you..its a horrible situation.

The first thing I would say....you mention your money/his money....this can get difficult as you are a partnership, you need to think ahead to if you may decide to have kids, true living costs....It was really awkward when I gave up work to have my daughter...luckily my OH has been supportive when I bought Zara so he didn't begrudge paying for her when we went down to one salary.

Also...saving for the future, holidays, decorating etc etc are all effected by the amount I spend every month out of 'our' money.

You are right that life is too short...but if he isn't currently supportive then the experience will not be an enjoyable one....it will only get worse when he realises that you will want to me down the yard every day instead of a couplde of times a week.

If I were you I would look down the sharer route a bit more...maybe put up a wanted advert....its your life of course...purely my opinion.

 

[ASBO Bob]

sounds like a horrible situation, best of luck resolving it
maybe share a horse for a few days a week until you have the house sorted and are more settled in terms of knowing what your outgoings will be instead of having to guess them. Sharing will also give you a chance to see how horse ownership will fit into your lifestyle and prepare you for when you get your own.
I agree with other posters that a 5yo may be a little green for a first horse, I've had my 5 year old a year now, after 10 years of horse ownership, and wouldn't have coped without my large support network (instructors/ YO/ OH etc.) to get us through the 'teenage phases'!
Hope you end us a happy horse owner in the near future. Ultimately it is YOUR money and YOUR life, do not let yourself be dictated to x

 

[tudor rose]

Hi , I really feel for you right now , you are being so considerate of your partner's feelings and doing what you should do in a relationship which is to consider both parties feelings, however I feel he may not be really considering yours.. to just go ahead and get a horse could bring trouble to a relationship , so you are doing the right thing, I had a situation a few years ago where a horse was going to the meat man and I wanted to rescue her, I asked and asked and pleaded to buy her to no avail , in the end I reallised I had to act and said I was going to buy her anyway, and I did , he is a nice guy really and just huffed a bit , however it wasn't the best thing to do for the relationship but was for the horse.. it all worked out well in the end . I realise your situaiton is slightly different as it's not life or death , but only know what sort of man he is and whether he will understand eventually , you sound like a nice person and I really hope you get your horse, what I will say to you is that you only live once and if you work hard like the rest of us then why should you not have your dream ..keep trying to win him around before you put your foot down lol x

 

[Mithras]

Its 2012! tbh most sports are expensive now, ski-ing, triathlon and cycling come to mind and are probably now even more expensive than horses.

But I'd be really concerned if my partner didn't want me to be happy and enjoy myself. Why wouldn't he want that? Its not as if you are expecting him to pay for it. I'd be asking myself why I was with him, ie how is he enhancing my life, if he is preventing me spending my money, after bills, how I choose. Particularly when he has two hobbies.

From the way you describe it, life with him sounds a bit of a dirge. Imagine if you get a house and mortgage and have children - would your life have to solely consist of running around after other people's needs and facilitating them, with no time for yourself? Sounds like that is what he is preparing you for. What a future.

 

[Flame_]

OP, just buy one. Either he'll get used to it or he'll beggar off. If you want a horse, you have a horse, the rest is up to him if he's got a problem with it.

 

[orionstar]

If it's your money and it wont impact on your plans for the house then I would just tell him you're buying a horse. I'll put money on the fact he didnt ask you when he bought the camera plus acessories and expensive lenses!
My oh has motorbikes (plural) and he didnt bat an eyelid when I told him I was going for horse no2 even though horse no1 was in foal, as it was all my money that I had worked for and it was something I wanted. If i couldnt pay a bill because I had horse costs to pay for, then he would have a say in the situation, but I figure he can do without steak for the rest of his life because horsey needs shoes

 

[Lippyx]

Wow thanks for all your responses. My OH is not controlling, I think he is just worried about costs. He runs his own business which only just got through the latest economic down fall, but saying that it got through!

I guess I'll have to keep working on him and hope he'll see what this means to me.

I think it'll be a good 6 months to a year before we get a place, and as for children, I'm too selfish, and can't see my self having them, plus if I do I can't help but feel it will be yet another few years before my dream of owning a horse could be a reality!

 

[Jesstickle]

I think it'll be a good 6 months to a year before we get a place, and as for children, I'm too selfish, and can't see my self having them, plus if I do I can't help but feel it will be yet another few years before my dream of owning a horse could be a reality!

Which is how I feel about children. But my OH knows this and is ok with it. Perhaps this is a more pressing issue than the money side of things?

 

[headcollaruk]

Hi i can understand your feelings totally.
I have a husband who thinks horses are a waste of money . To be honest i have been very unlucky the horses i have bought in the past have not ended up well and as i have my horses in schooling livery it costs a lot. I have had lots of bad luck with them but as soon as i no longer have one i pine!.
I agreed i would try and find a cheaper hobby so i started going ice skating and having regular lessons this worked out to cost the same as the horse but if i am away on holiday it is not a on going cost.
So then i joined a gym cheaper hobby found or so i thought, it is so boring i still crave to have a horse so i would say do not think the feeling will go away you will just end up misreable and resent him.
I am in the process of looking for another horse but will have to wait till i can cancel my gym membership and hopefully hubby will not be too upset i did try to do without a horse.

 

[Lippyx]

I have tried to forget getting a horse and even thought about going for my lessons twice a week instead of the once. But its not enough! The need (and it is a need) is so strong, nothing can replace it!
I had a chat with OH the week (again) and told him no matter how many times we talk about it, the want to have my own will always be there and it'll get stronger and stronger! He eventually agreed to me getting one, but if we get into money issues, then I have to think about my options with the horse!
I am now saving and selling everything I can on eBay!
Then last night he said to see me with a horse and enjoy what I love is all he wants to see, and to be able to support us in a place big enough to bring said horse home is all he wants, but he is still worried about money. He company is finding it tough at the moment, hence his fears, which I can understand, but I was a little miffed, as he had given me his "blessing".
I have decided to keep saving, and not really mention the H word. Then when I have enough to actually buy, I will see how he is feeling about it then. He knows it will happen!