Coping with a loss. (bit long sorry)

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chantellesmith

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Hi, I lost my mare 2 weeks ago today.

She was 26yrs old but looked 10 yrs younger. Vets, friends etc were always shocked when i told them how old she was.
I had her for 15 years and she was my first and only horse and best friend. She was in great condition due to the amount of time we spent together and the care, attention and love that I gave her
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She came in from the field one day and could not stand up properly with her back end, kept swaying her bum and moving her back feet. Vet came out and said it was probably neurological, knock to the spine, swelling etc so gave her steroids and left me with some and said to see how she went.

Over 10 days of intense steroids and many vet visits and tears I had to put her to sleep.

She had progressed to having to prop her bum on the stable wall to support herself and stand properley. The vets say that her mild arthristis had spread to her spine and was pressing a nerve and nothing else could be done.

The decision was so hard to make as she was in no pain and was her usual cheeky self. She wasnt even aware there was a problem and kept looking at her bum as if to say 'was the heck is going on her?!'. She was retired and loved the field and so was on box rest while we gae the steroids chance to work. After a week i was mucking out and moved away from the stable and she made a run for the field, she was running like a crab sideways she was that desperate to get out.

That decided it for me, she hates being in and she wasnt even in the state to be at grass. I also could not risk leaving her just to make me feel better and her falling in the stable, getting cast and becoming an emergency case and having an awful experience with the same outcome at the end.

I took loads of pics in the last few days, she looks fantastic on them, really happy and better than she has in years. Cant decide if that is making me feel better or worse....

Anyway, my point is this.... Because i knew what was going to happen i had the whole week off work and spent all day everyday with her and tried to make it her best ever. At this time i was practically hysterical with grief while at home. It happened on the thursday and i felt pretty much ok by the saturday. Was ok all last week too, but yesterday and today i feel like i did before it was done, if not worse.

Is this normal? was i in shock? Will i ever feel better?!!

Any advice from people who have been through this will be really appreciated, i miss her so much
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x
 
My thought are totally with you.
My mums mare was owned by us from the age of 7 and was PTW at 27, so there was also a great bond there. She had to be PTW due to kidney problem and she also hated to be kept stabled for any period of time at all. She was in fantastic shape, a well loved member of the family.

I know it was terrible for my mum but she knew it was the right thing to do. I think its important to remember your horse did not suffer. She had a long and happy life with you and that you did the right thing - your horse never suffered and you gave her the greatest gift by preventing that. Ive seen horse kept alive by owners who cant let go and its so destressing to the horse and its cruel.

You should treasure your memories and in time you will feel better once the shock of it all has sunk in.

hugs. x
 
Big ((((((hugs)))))), I think you did the exact right thing, and when the time comes for my oldie I hope i make the same decision as you did. You did the kindest thing in the whole world for her.
I think you will be going through shock at the minute, sometimes grief takes time, even registering that it has happened. The photos at least can help you remember how well she looked (even though she might not have been brilliant elsewhere). However, maybe look at them when you have got past the time when you feel so terrible, I hope you feel better soon. I know it sounds funny, but if you have any friends with horses, do you think going to help them and having a little ride may make you feel better, talking to like minded people etc.
Like I said i hope you feel better soon, there are lots of people on here that have been where you have and come out the other side xxxx
 
I'm really sorry to hear that, I have no experience, one day I will, but it must be awful for you.

15 years is such a long time. Life can be so unfair. Thankfully she wasnt in any pain and you were there with her til the end.

Things will get better. It may not seem it now but time will heal. x
 
Firstly i'm really sorry for your loss. I went through a similar kind of thing last year with my mare. I'd had her for a similar amount of time as you had your horse, (although mine was 21/22) but again looked at lot younger. the only difference for me was it was a long drawn out injury including 8 months box rest before i made the decision to put her to sleep.

Initially after having her pts i felt and overwelming weight lifted off my shoulders, however a week or so later, i did start feeling worse asking myself if i did the right thing etc etc.

To be completely honest the upset and pain is still with me, there was a particular song at the time that i heard quite a few times around the date she was put to sleep (My Hero by the Foo Fighters) and still when i hear it, i get a few tears, I had some professional photos taken of her a week before she went (like you i took a week off work and spent every day with her) it took me 7 months to get the photos framed and up in the house after she went. It will be exactly a year this Saturday when my mare went - and i'm dreading it - just sitting hear typing this is upsetting me, BUT, you MUST MUST MUST remember the life you gave your mare was one she enjoyed and you must have done so well for her to get to 26! You also made a decision (the hardest of them all) that meant she didnt ever have to spend any time unhappy. You will have ups and downs for a while - the downs will slowly ware off, and it will take something specific to affect you. Give it time, and try and remember the good times!

Hugs to you and well done for being so brave to make the decision.
 
Hi, I had my horse put down on Monday. I had owned him for nearly 7 years and he was my life. We made the decision after he suddenly developed severe headshaking 4 weeks ago and only had any sort of comfort in a stable. I felt that his quality of life was unacceptable. I have never cried so much as I did in the last week but the thing that has helped me is being back on the yard helping other people, I certainly don't feel over it and am sure that I will have good days and bad for months to come. My only comfort is that I did the one thing to make his life better and that was to end his suffering. Good luck XX
 
I had my dog PTS about 5 weeks ago. She had several problems which we managed well for a time but I knew that the time would come when she would hit a crisis and I would have to make the decision to let her go. It's true what they say, you know when it's time. I didn't want her to suffer she had been through so much the past year and enough was enough. Actually putting her to sleep was ok, if that sounds silly because she had a peaceful end, in my arms, we took her home with us and layed her to rest in our garden. Having had her for 12 years I miss her terribly and sometimes have thoughts of did i do the right thing, but I know really that i did do the right thing. It is just like loosing a member of your family, and we shouldn't feel silly about it, because we are greiving as we would for any other loss.
But like any loss it gets easier, and we learn to live with it. The first week I quietly cried myself to sleep every night, i used to go outside and say goodnight to her before I went to bed but gradually these things stop and you start to move on.
When my husband talks about her I can't say much in response because I know I will break down. But I know from previous experience that it will get easier, just a bit raw at the moment, and I am sure it will be the same for you.
I am sorry for your loss, but I am sure that you feel like me, it was such a joy to have had her in our lives I wouldn't have missed a thing. Sorry for my ramblings.
 
I know just how you fell, really. We had our boy PTS 10 days ago, and I have been wracked by guilt ever since.

Deep down I know that we did the right thing, but it's normal to think "what if?".

I admire and respect your decision. It is a terrible thing to have to do, and it is not easy. The only way I can think about it is, that I did not let him suffer, and I gave him everything a pampered horse would want in their life.

(((hugs))) to you, and RIP for your mare. She knew she was loved and wanted and cared for, very well.
 
Best peice of advise i can give you is not to o straight out and buy another horse.. cause thats what I have done.. and I CANT bond with her!

Lo ux
 
[ QUOTE ]
Best peice of advise i can give you is not to o straight out and buy another horse.. cause thats what I have done.. and I CANT bond with her!

Lo ux

[/ QUOTE ]

Maybe you can't bond with her because she isn't really the horse for you.
I lost my pony after 15 years. He was in semi retirement at the time and I was lucky enough to buy another horse 8 months before I had pony pts. Could I bond with this horse? No. I persevered for 5 years with him. He was an awkward devil, he did have a nice side to him but I never felt a deep love for him, if that makes sense. Anyway, he was pts last September. He went on the Wednesday and I picked up my new one on the Saturday.
I can honestly say, she has restored my love and enjoyment of horses.
I always thought it was because of Pickles (pony) that I didn't feel the same way about my horse. Now I have Baby, I know that is not the case.

OP - I could still cry buckets over my pony if I let myself and I lost him 6 years ago this coming Christmas. I know I made the right decision at the right time but it is still upsetting all the same. Give yourself time, it does get easier, I promise.
 
Hi there, sorry to hear about your mare. I have lost four horses (in the space of less than seven years) and it was extremely difficult at times. Only one of those horses I had to make any kind of decision about the others fate were taken out of my hands. I don't regret doing what I did with any of them as none of their deaths were my fault, but I did have problems coming to terms with the death of my last horse, and if truth be told, I am still not really over this hurdle. I have a lovely horse now, and we get on okay, but I can honestly say I have never built the bond I have with my last horse, but that is due to me. It probably didn't help that I was with him seconds before he was PTS and I felt awful leaving him but I was advised that due to his condition it would not have been a good idea to of been present as he was very unpredictable with his legs. Time is the biggest healer. It is still very raw for you at the moment. There is no time limit on grief either, and you must not be hard on yourself if you struggle for more weeks than Fred Bloggs down the road. If you have another horse to take care of and ride you will find your time is taken up with this and it helps to take your mind off things. If this was your only horse planning to get another horse is also part of the healing process. I have always got another horse within six weeks of the death of the previous horse, and this has helped me move on. You might like to try the following sites:

http://www.bluecross.org.uk/web/site/Memorial/CreateMemorial.asp where you can create a memorial to your horse - see for example in the view memorial site (Miki Edwards or Rommy Edwards) two of my previous horses.

The more you talk about your experience and share your thoughts with others the better it makes you feel. Don't be afraid to cry, the more you do the better if makes you feel too!


http://www.rainbowbridge.com/

Please PM me if you ever need a shoulder to cry on (albeit from a distance). Anyone who has been in your situation will understand where you are coming from and how to help you.xxx
 
Really sorry. I nearly cried reading your post, I lost my mare last year after 10 years together, she was my best friend and literally overnight she was gone (twisted gut) and I still cant really talk about it. Have to say I drank alot at first and had to take a couple of days off work. Im probably the opposite to everyone on this forum, because 2 weeks later I got a new horse! I heard about him through a friend of a friend and was told he was in a bit of a bad way and needed serious tlc, I went to see him and could bearly look at him, I got on and just cried, but when I came to leave he just looked at me with his beautiful big eyes and I just couldnt leave him. I took him on a loan to start with and the first few weeks were awful, I really struggled to bond with him, it was like all I could see was the fact he wasnt her, and how much I missed her, then one day things just started to fall into place, I think we both were miserable and needed each other, so we moved on together and 10months later, we have a great partnership and do everyhting together, hes amazing and I love him to bits, I guess I needed to push myself forwards and having this horse that needed me gave me the energy to do it, sometimes I think without my 'hooves' I would have just given up and walked away from horses completely. I miss her every day and have tears in my eyes writing this, I dont think that will ever go away, but there is definitely life beyond. I hope this rambling helps
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lots ogf hugs x
 
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my youngster in an accident in February and I still find it hard. Writing about him on here and putting up pictures has brought me great comfort.
There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of him and the hardest times are when, for no reason the grief hits me.
I find that if I just let myself cry and be sad about losing him, it helps with the waves of pain. I feel this is my brain processing everything and I let it. When I make a concious decision to think about how great he was it makes me cry too but in a different way.
Tears help your body and mind to heal and the people on here are brilliant for support. I still struggle to look at his pictures and I find if I mention him to people I am very removed but in my alone time I cry no end. This week has been very hard as I am trying to write a memorial piece for him and it keeps digging everything up, including the accident, but I am letting myself feel the pain. I know that sounds a bit sadistic but you will know when you are ready to face that hurdle and don't beat yourself up about any of it.
Every person deals with grief differently and I was tempted to bottle it up in my normal way, but the pain is so intense I knew this would cause me more harm than good. I never express it around my firends and family as that is really not me but I do release it. I know I will never have a bond with another quite like what I had with JJ but I will have a bond in a different way.
Good luck with the healing and tell us all about your girl whenever and as often as you wish
x x x
 
Nailed - Know how you feel, people say to me are you going to get another dog, and sometimes it seems like a nice idea - something to fill the void, but I don't feel like I am ready to love another dog yet.
Hope the time will come when you do bond with your new horse.
 
Thank you all so much for your replies. Having a really bad day today. Am in work and cant go home and am struggling. Have had to take her pics off my desk coz I cant look at her without crying and dont really want to do that here!

I feel a bit like I do when i have been on holiday and am waiting to go and see her. Need to go and get all my stuff from the farm this weekend, going to be difficult.

My mum has called and told me she has been and picked her ashes up today. I was thinking of scattering half in the field (so she can keep on running!) and keeping the rest in a smaller box at home as apparently the box is massive and i want to keep some at home with me.

What have others done?
x
 
I know how you feel. I lost mine just over 3 years ago. It gets easier to talk. But when I read posts like yours it all comes flooding back. But I'm glad about that as i don't want to forget him. It brings a tear to my eye and I rememeber the good times. So will you in time.
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Oh hun. Its so horrible. It gets better then something triggers it and it goes right back to where it was before. But over time it does get better.

My girlie is burried in my garden with a apple tree planted on top. It will be 3years ago in Novemeber and I am still funny about feeding my others the apples (pathetic I know - in case they know where the apples have come from)
 
Ive been there too. Lost my best friend a few years ago. she is totally irreplaceable. I had been waiting for 'that' day for about 2 years, and I knew it was time - she was telling me. Not in pain, but she was tired. In fact only the night before she's been tearing around the field.
She was already on the floor, and had her head in my lap. I cuddled her so tightly, and told her everything - how much I loved her, thanked her for everything (oh God - tears in eyes now, I'm choked - and I'm at work - eeek). She knew how special she was. When the vet produced the needle, no part of me thought NOOOOOOO. I KNEW it was right. But OH MY GOD - the pain. I have never felt that level of either physical or emotional pain in my life (i don't have kids so can't comment on childbirth!!). Seriously, my heart had been ripped out. I wailed, like a toddler (I was in my 30's). Although i was with her right at the end, i couldn't deal with the man coming from the incinerator, so i hid in the house (she was kept at home). I couldn't even bear to hear his van, so i sat in the corner, behind the dining table, blocking my ears. It was such a wierd way for a grown up to behave, but i suppose thats grief.
then, I was obsessive about finding all the photos i could. I ransacked the whole house, and bought a pretty box which is my 'Cassie' box. Its got photos, some mane i cut from her, rosettes, correspondence from her previous owner etc etc. I was totally inconsoleable, and would burst into tears in public places - I couldn't control it.
Anyway, there was nothing I could do. Thants the funny thing about life - it goes on regardless.
Three years down the line, it still really hurts, and I miss her like crazy. But of course, i am rational again and can talk about her and think about her without being a wreck. Though sometimes I get choked up again. I had another horse already, but my relationship with him sufferred, as he wasn't her. I could easily have given up horses.
Occasionally now i feel some love for my other horse, but nothing like I did for my mare. I don't think i ever will.
so, i really feel for you. don't put on a brave face, if you need to cry, then cry. Just do whatever you need to to make yourself feel better.
Oh, one more thing. A wierd thing happened after she was put to sleep. A flower grew in the spot where it happened in the field. there had never been one there before. I used to go and sit there and think about her and have a cry, but can't now as we moved. Where that flower came from i havent a clue, but as you can imagine, i thought it was her. (yes, a bit odd i know)
 
Just a quick comment - dont rush to go back to the yard - only do it when you're ready - if you have to collect her things either make sure you have someone like your mum with you who can fend anyone off - i really didnt want to talk to anyone - mainly because i just spent the whole time crying. Or even better just leave it until you feel completely ready (although be prepared to cry!).
 
I have just posted on another thread re losing horse and planting a tree, I have sponsored trees at ILPH (world horse welfare) Hall Farm, Norwich. My old boy went to heaven aged 32, following my daughters pony also aged 32, they are up there giving some huntsman and child a brilliant time. That is what you think about. Try ILPH and then go and look at the poor horses and ponies, who never had a pinch of the love, you, me and a lot of other forum users, gave our animals. YOU did the right thing, which if far harder to do than keeping an animal alive in miserable circumstances, be proud.
 
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