Coping with a new baby, a competition horse and a demanding job?

A

anuvb

Well-Known Member
Joined
23 July 2009
Messages
241
Visit site
Hi - I'm looking for advice from H&H'ers who've been there and got the t-shirt... Basically I found out (unexpectedly) that I'm pregnant. Although a lovely surprise and my OH and I are over the moon, I am worried about how I will cope with my 7 year old horse (who will be 8 by then), a part-time but very demanding job (with travel away from home) and the general baby mayhem that occurs when little one arrives.

I get quite a good maternity package so will take time off for as long as I can afford to (6-9 months minimum) and hope to only return to my demanding job 3 days a week, possibly 4. Baby will go to a child minder during the day and my OH will do an awful lot of the drop-offs etc for me. He'll also muck out and see to my horse when I can't manage it (although he doesn't ride).

I'm fully expecting not to ride on the days I'm at work - the chances are I'll be travelling at least two days out of the 3 and apart from anything else I'll be exhausted. But - this is the big question - is it realistic to get to a position where I can ride the remaining four days? My mother, mother-in-law, boss, friend's (including the horsey ones) are all being incredibly negative about the likelihood of my returning to riding and urging me to sell my horse before the baby arrives. It is getting a bit depressing to be honest. They're all over the moon at the arrival of the baby, and I'm now beginning to resent it. It's not that I don't expect life to be turned upside down, but I fully intend to continue to ride whether it's mine or someone elses. I've ridden and had horses all my life, and this horse is something special. We've really clicked and he has potential to do really well with an amateur on his back. I know the horse world and know that it takes a long time to get a horse like that and they don't come around that often. I'd kick myself if I sold him without at least giving the juggling act a go...

So on to the facts & questions:

My horse is a green dressage horse (backed late so rides more like a 6 year old WB) but quite a tricky ride, so finding a sharer that can cope with him is not impossible but unlikely. He does manage to survive on a 4 days working week and still remain relatively sensible. He's mainly used for dressage, currently competing novice level but am hoping to eventually get him to advanced medium and out showjumping as well. I do have an extremely understanding OH, keep the horse on DIY livery close to home (minutes away) and have the most amazing cleaner to hand. Financially money will be tight with a drop down to PT work, but not impossible.

- What were your experiences of coming back into riding after having a baby? What worked/didn't work and what should I plan for in terms of contingencies?
- How do you cope with sparky competition horses and juggling a job/baby?
- Can a decent dressage horse cope with only four days a week at 8 and still remain competitive at novice/elementary level? ie is he going to be adversely affected if he has 6-12 months of less work than normal?

Thanks in advance
PS - if you got this far - well done!!! :)
 
hiya, not to sure about the how much work your horse will need. you sound like you have the most important thin which is understanding oh! i have Also and not really struggled to get my horsey time infact would really have been lost without it. Not very helpfull but personaly having to sell my horsey would have turned having a baby into a nightmare xx
 
Hi and congratulations !!
I was in a very very similar situation incredibly hard demanding job working 13-14 hr days x 4 so never see the baby on those days and look after daughter on non work days, I dont have family close by and while my OH is very supportive ( wont let me sell my horse even when I feel I cant cope as thinks i'll regrt it ) he works long hours too. I am on part livery which helps and my horse is A) not talented !! and B) couldnt care less if not ridden. However I was used to riding 4 days a week before baby. My baby will not sleep in the car or in a push chair while I do things but sleeps at night - so can accept that. I could at a push ride sat /sunday and late pm 2 days a week and I think it is worth you trying BUT I was totally unprepared for the guilt factor and found I didnt want to leave my little girl for half a day every day at the weekend this really really surprised me as didnt think I was the maternal type but the long working days and the tiredness from the early mornings ( I thought I was used to it as always got up a 6 but now half five and full on from the up ) really put paid to my evening rides as well. So yes it is doable but be prepared for not being able to be superwoman - I thought I could and couldnt. lots of people will say they work have family and do the horses but I know how hard it can be especially if your job is really tough. Having said that a supportive OH can make miracles happen. Good luck but dont be too hard on yourself
 
OMG I'm cringing for you - it must be awful being told what to do with your horse- you're not alone there - pregnant women throughout the country are hounded!

It's YOUR decision and yours alone - obviously with a bit of advice/support from your OH! ;)

In answer to your question - I juggled a dressage horse, baby and my own business and it worked out just fine - number two came along and guess what? It worked out fine! You've just got to learn to juggle things and your priorities do change - Before babies, my horse was number one priority but the horses had to live around the family and vice versa really - When number two came along I had 3! and I rode throughout both pregancies too - that's something else that's entirely up to you - noone can tell you that one!

Don't be pressurised into selling up if you really want to keep riding - there are ways and means to do both! (My babies sat in prams from being weeks old, watching me ride!)
Good luck - and congratulations! :)
Kate x
 
Congratulations!

I had a demanding job when I had my little boy and went down to 3 days which involved a lot of travelling. I too have a very understanding oh and a horse that needs exercising 4/5 days a week minimum. It worked well until my oh got a new job which involved him being out if the house from 6am to 8pm 3 days a week and then I just became exhausted trying to fit everything in between 6.30 and 7.30pm when my son was awake.

I moved to assisted diy which helped but then found a job working from home 25 hours week and life is so much easier!

So I think if your oh or family can babysit/ look after little one in the evenings and for a few hours each day at the weekend u will be able to do it.

Good luck x
 
Yes, it can work. I found it fine but forget about doing anything horsey for a few weeks after the baby is born.could you get the horse booked in for done dressage schooling or something for a few weeks after the baby is born and turn it to your advantage? I was really structured with riding my horse and wrote out a weekly planner as he needed a lot of work. You do need a patient oh but it with a bit of planning it's fine!
I found people really negative- there was no way I was giving up horses. I went back to work full time when my child was 8 months old and still work ft and ride 6 days per week. I don't have travel though and that helps. I have my own yard so don't have any help either. It's just a case of accepting that things will be. A bit more difficult than before and cracking on with things!
Good luck!
Oh and p.s. A musical, vibrating swing chair is amazing to strap the baby into while you are mucking out!!! X
 
I think if your determined enough it can work although be aware you WILL be exhausted,

Your priorities will change. Your baby will come first not your horse but that doesnt mean the Horse has to suffer, Also I think it all depends on what your willing to do to ride. Once i established a good routine with my daughter I started taking her to the yard. And time her naps so she would sleep while I rode and mucked out. Im very lucky I can pull the car right up to the school if I want and peek in at her, On the days she refuses to sleep she will happily be parked up in her buggy and look around. Unless she is teething then I honestly have to dedicate all my attention onto her and times like that is hard. But it sounds like you have given it thought and worked things out. Being able to take the child to the yard really helps financially for child minders If you dont have sitters for free aka family lol!

like I said if your determined enough it can work

congrats and all the best. x
 
Hi
My friend had a baby last year and although she has extremely supportive OH. But she regularly goes down baby on back whilst poo picking fields etc. Her OH goes to all competitions with her..Her mum has baby when she has lessons.

She has not given up at all, yes money is less as she reduced to 3 days per week but she has always had horses and not for one second thought about giving up or sharing her horse out.. so it can be done. Do what you feel you need to do and dont worry what other people think..
 
Don't but pushed into doing anything before the baby is born.

You might find things change once you have the baby, your priorities might be different, they might not.

Whatever happens you will have the 6 - 9 months maternity leave to make a decision and sort something out for your horse once you actually have the baby and are able to make REALISTIC decisions about what will work for YOU.

You can have absolutely no idea 1) how you will feel once baby is here 2) how baby will fit into your life 3) how much support you will have. I would resist any attempt by anyone to tell you to make changes now.

I was determined to keep my pony once I had my (unplanned but much wanted) baby. However, once she arrived, my focus was 100% on her and I ended up putting my pony out on loan for a year as I wanted to give her all my attention. This has turned into two years for various reasons (mainly that loan home is so perfect and he is so happy) but TBH I really regret letting him go for another year as after my baby turned one, I really began to feel ready to get the riding part of my life back in focus.

On the other hand, I have a friend who has 4 horses. After she had her baby she was back riding them/caring for them 100% within about 2 months. She has supportive family around and is more comfortable than I was dividing her attention between her horses and her baby.

Everyone is different and you can't predict how you will feel. Good luck
 
Congratulations! Having a baby is an amazing motivator, I'm going back to uni with a one year old! Supportive family is essential for getting on with work and time to persue your interests. I think you'd regret selling, you need to keep something for yourself or your life turns into a long chain of nappy changes and feeding times and feeling like a slave. My one main piece of advice is (no matter how much you want to keep your baby to yourself) make sure your child is happy to be held/fed/comforted by anyone from very early on. If you allow your child to only be comforted by you it'll be very hard for family to keep on offering to help out. I found the hardest part of returning to long days at work was breastfeeding. Although I'd introduced things like water and baby rice from 16 weeks so my daughter could go a day without me I personally had to take a pump out on jobs to prevent engorgement :o
 
I think you need to leave making any decisions about it until the baby has arrived.

When I had my first child I had a full time demanding career, took 5 months off, ran out of money, so went back to work with daughter in full time nursery. Aided by a very helpful mum who she often got dumped with at 5 in the morning if I had an early meeting it did work but we had no animals then.

Five year later, along came child number two - and I fully intended to go back to work BUT she decided that she was not going to sleep - ever! She woke us up about 10 times a night and I was a walking zombie. I couldn't have looked after a goldfish at that time! Plans to return to work cancelled. Black circles a permanent feature below eyes. Thank goodness my husband was earning more and we could survive without my income - just! 3 years later she decided she would sleep............aaaahhhhhh!

10 years later, we have a horse, 2 dogs, 4 chickens and life is goooooood!

So I'd say based on my experience you can't really make firm plans until you see what the baby is like. If my 2nd daughter had been my 1st we'd never have had another. If you have a child like my 1st it would be possible to keep a horse if you have a very good support network.

You will also find you may not want to do so much with your horse. I found my priorities and desires really changed. Pub or puzzle with child - I chose the puzzle! I couldn't bear to be without child number 1 when I was at home because I spent so much time away from her working. Felt very guilty too.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I do think it would be a good idea to look for a sharer as it would take the pressure off you and as you get bigger you won't have to worry about not keeping the horse fit. Again, pregnancy does weird things to us and I for one could not have contemplated riding after about 4 months because I got huge quite quickly and had a lot of related pregnancy problems - sciatic nerve for example!! Don't even ask about problems after having daughter 2 - it would turn your stomach!!
 
Don't get rid of your horse, you'll need him to keep your sanity and enjoy being you again.

It can work, but u have to make compromises.

I am due no2 any day now :-0 so have decided to keep my older, push button horse and buy a foal rather than a 4yr old this year.

Good luck - being a mummy is great :-)
 
It's hard to put it bluntly. I have a show horse, a 2 year old and a demanding (in fact 4 demanding )jobs... I'm a GP with an interest in the law who sits on tribunals and also works for law firms for personal injury type claims... and I do out of hours GPing and in hours GPing as well.

How do I do it... well I have a great husband and an even better Mum. The other important part of the equation is MONEY... I have enough of it and my husband has a very good job as well... So I work 3 days (2 days little one goes to nursery the other day My mum has him) and 2 evenings a week. This gives me 4 days when I don't work. On these days I ride. (and work in the evening 2 of these days). My son comes with me to the yard and loves tractors so drives his tractor (toy) around the yard while I do the jobs, muck out etc. When I ride, My mum or dad keeps an eye on little one whilst I'm on board... so to do the horses I only need 1hr of their time. I pay someone else to muck out and 'do' on the days that I work so I don't have to go to the yard those days... and my yard is my Mum and Dad's house so it all works... but I never go to bed less than knackered and without help there is no way I could do as much as I do..

I turned my horses away for 6 months when my baby was small... but all the horses I had then were well established... I started riding again 4 months after I had my son and that was only a couple of times a week. I bought a youngester at 18 months post baby and this seems to be going ok (with the exception of the pigeons but that's another story)

HTH
 
Congratulations. It can work if you want it to- I have a 3yr old daughter and am 39 wks pregnant with my second. I work 4 days per week, shift work in a busy and responsible job. I event my horse. I was determined I would keep my boy when I had my daughter and am equally determined this time around! He is kept on assisted DIY so I only have to go to yard once a day. I have to be super organised and thankfully have a lovely OH who believes that there's no point in me having the horse if I can't do what I want (within reason) so is happy to help or have baby while I enjoy some horse time. When my daughter was tiny, she would sleep in her pram by the side of the school while I rode/lunged etc. As she grew up, I had her in a baby carrier on my front and she would watch me lunge him which she loved. It also gave me hands free to do all sorts of other things. Now she "helps" with stable jobs/lunging/longlining etc and comes along to competitions with my OH. I find I can't ride when I have her with me as I can't concentrate on what I'm doing and keep an eye on her so if I want to school/hack my OH has her or I do it on days I have worked and where she has been at childminders so I pick her up after I have finished at the yard. I usually manage to work him 5 - 6 times a week. This time around I have just found a sharer for my boy 2 days per week which will help time wise and financially but this arose from a fellow livery having sold her horse and deciding she could not afford another but didn't want to give up totally so we came to an arrangement rather than me having actively sought a share. I have had the usual comments about selling him/loaning him etc (especially from my mum! :-) ) but he's with me for life and I was basically of the opinion that I wanted to keep him badly enough that I would do what ever it takes to make it work. My daughter also benefits as she gets to spend loads of time outside in the fresh air, around animals has made loads of friends and gets plenty of exercise with it. All the best with your pregnancy and what ever you decide to do.
 
Hands up to say not ever had to deal with your situation but just don't let anyone force you into anything. It has been my experience that every time there have been major changes in my life, (new man, new job so not as big a deal as a baby!) EVERYONE assumed I would drop the horses! Work backwards for a moment. Disregard your current set up -what would your ideal be? what would make you look forward to Monday? and is your horse in that picture?!
 
First off thank you all so much. There is such a great mix of people and wealth of advice on this forum and your stories have been really inspiring; from those that don't have children but manage to juggle hectic lifestyles through to those with little ones and mega-jobs, and those have more than one child (how on earth do you manage that one!?! :) ).

You're are all right - no decisions until baby arrives. At the moment I've got enough on my plate getting up each day, battling through the morning sickness, getting to work, seeing to the horse and then finally managing to eat a whole meal at dinner... The thought of making any further life changing decisions right now just makes me fret! If i can just get through the pregnancy maintaining the status quo and growing a happy and healthy baby I'll be content.

Southwestwhippet and others - You've confirmed exactly what I've been thinking and saying to people - there's not much point having a grand plan at this stage... pregnancy and motherhood is different for everyone and it's important to take each day as it comes. It won't be easy and it won't always go to plan, but then I figure that's life (a fact which horrifies my mother who has to have a contingency plan for every eventuality) and if it wasn't a baby it could be something else (ill health, divorce, lost job, tsunami etc etc). No point stopping living for what 'might' happen.

Kirwil - Well done for going back to university - I admire your commitment and motivation and wish you the very best of luck!

JLD and others - the guilt factor does worry me, but my friend told me a long time ago that it's part of the role of being a mother to feel guilty... not sure how that sage advice will help me but she seemed pretty comfortable with the notion - maybe I'll get there too? ;) . Baby will always come first as will my amazing OH but part of the reason for not wanting to sell this particular horse is that he can cope with that. Not all of them can, particularly highly strung dressage horses. I love the fact mine is generally so accommodating to handle and be around. I will definitely keep an eye out for a sharer - there are a couple of possibles who might be interested if they're not pregnant too by then

H's Mum (((((hugs)))) thank you - you're timing yesterday was perfect with your post! I really needed to hear that then I would have replied sooner but didn't get chance.

To everyone else, thank you all so much, your stories and advice are much appreciated. I'm going to print this thread off and keep it somewhere safe to remind me when it feels like it's all getting a bit on top of me that it is possible and I can do it...

:)
 
Just thinking of your post of morning sickness :eek:

I really know how your feeling I had it for the first 3 months all day every day until the min i woke until the time i went to sleep There was nothing in the world i wanted to eat! And everyone used to say baby needs nutrition baby needs nutrition but actually baby doest start getting nutrition from you until the placenta takes over around 14 weeks if i remember correct and i took great comfort in this fact :o The only thing I could eat was fruit rocket Ice lollies and those bread rolls you put in the oven....

when I did get my appetite i craved fresh spinach with vinegar and salad cream all in the 1 bowl (how disgusting i know)

Anyway enjoy your pregnancy I do miss being pregnant I must admit :o

x
 
This thread has really helped me too! I am 8 weeks pregnant and it has only just sunk in really! Morning sickness has kicked in and I am utterly worn out. Thankfully I am off work for the summer. Everyone is hassling me not to ride my gelding but he is very safe and I have compromised by agreeing not to jump!
However my family are pressuring me to sell my horse. I also have a well-paid but very demanding full-time teaching job which I will have to reduce to 3 days a week once baby comes. I had a long chat with my friend with whom I keep my horse on DIY at a farm, and she also said not to make any decisions yet. We are both involved in RC and she runs a branch of PC so we are hoping we can find someone to loan/share my boy during my later pregnancy and when baby is born. Thankfully he is a bombproof hack and very well behaved once he knows his rider means business. He can cope not competing (even schooling makes me feel sick now!) so I am hoping to find someone who will loan him out of his current yard either as a happy hack OR to compete or hunt, so I can see him a couple of days a week and OH can ride him if I can't.
The thought of selling him just makes me bawl my eyes out (hormones don;t help either) so I doubt very much whether I could go through with it. He is my baby and he was here first, but once REAL baby arrives who knows how I will feel?

Please keep us updated on your situation because I am sure I will be posting on here again for advice about what to do!!!!!!
 
This post has really helped me too!! I am 26 weeks pregnant and although don't compete as such (that is if you don't include the odd hunter trial and team chase) I do hunt 3 days a fortnight through the winter and full intend to keep hunting although I am aware it will be mostly Saturday's when OH can have baby.

We don't have family close by unfortunately but we do have a lot of friends who have offered to help out. OH has refused to even let me consider not having a horse. We have recently bought our own home which has a yard and 3 acres and has pointed out that there is no point being there if I don't have a pony. Very true!! Yes it will be a struggle but by hook or crook, we'll get there.
 
This thread has helped me too - I'm 6 weeks pregnant and terrified I'll have to give everything up. I am the kind of person who overloads their plate though, and I have had to do some streamlining just to be sensible. I also had confidence issues but I worked out that it wasn't for riding in general, it centred around my big stroppy gelding and I've made the heartbreaking decision to sell him - he goes monday - there's no way I can get my confidence back and ride him whilst pregnant without fear of something terrible happening.

But the other I feel happy with so I've cut down on all the dross in my life to hopefully leave room for the most important!
 
Firstly "Congratulations"

Like the others have said...dont rush into anything, its early days and TBH you will not know how it works until "little one" is here. My little boy is nearly 2 and thankfully he loves being at the yard. I did however come to the decision that my mare was going to be turned away for 3 mths as she was too much to ride whilst I was heavily pregnant so I was just down to poo picking but 3 weeks after a tramatic bith I was back on (only in walk mind!). Make use of all those that offer to baby sit or even those that just offer to look over little one whilst your all at the yard so you can get 30min schooling in.
Like you my horse was my life so wasnt sure how I would do it but yes my priorities have changed and my competiting has slowed down as money could justify put horse with someone but I'm loving the balance between my son & my horse :)
 
Hey

Congratulations to you!

I'm in a similar(ish) boat! I'm due in December, but my difference is that I have a young at times bolshy horse who I'd been planning on starting this year. Luckily for me I managed to find someone I trust to help bring him on for me, but I am now trying to plan what I will be able to do once the baby comes. Unplanned also, baby is due right in the winter, so I don't quite yet know how I will cope! I will have 6 months off too, my horse is going to get at least the winter off, and then I will have to see what I am able to do and what my options are. I personally feel I need my horsey time, it's my time and one of the last remaining things I do by myself! Before I bought my horse I was into all sorts, and pretty much gave it all up so I had the time to spend with my horse. He was an unhandled practically wild baby doing what he liked in a field when I first got him, and I got him with a view to him being my one horse for life. I didn't envision an easy ride, which is just as well as I do like a challenge!

My other half is of the opinion that I should sell my horse, I have informed him that I'll put him on eBay before my horse! However he is really just concerned for my welfare being around a big horse that will test me and push the boundaries at times! Thankfully not all the time!

I get it from other people to! For me I can't understand how people can expect me to just give up a massive part of my life! I know life is about to change massively, but I will go out of my mind if I don't have my horsey time. I might have to admit I need a bit more help and try and find it, and maybe find a better solution in terms of stabling or keeping at grass over the winter, but there's time to sort all that out!

Anyway, there are always options out there for you! Plenty of people have managed to cope and will continue to cope! I am sure with good planning and admitting to yourself if you feel you need a bit more help that you are prepared to get it! You'll be surprised at the options that do suddenly spring up. Life does generally have a way of working itself out!

Good luck and enjoy!

M

x
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top