Coping with loss, advice?

milesjess

milesjess

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I lost my boy just over a month ago.

I spent over 6 months knowing that the day would finally arrive to let him go.

Anyway after he left for a couple of weeks I didn't feel too bad and felt like I was coping well enough day to day.

On 1st september was his 1 month anniversary and ever since then I've felt terrible and so down in the dumps. I think of him every day but always start 'filling up'... It's so hard to explain but I constantly have a lump in my throat and feel like I'm going to melt down even doing little things like going to the shop :(

Sorry bit of a pointless post and I know it's grieving but are there any support groups to help?

Bit of a morbid post but I know so many people have been in the same, heartbreaking place on the forum and would like their experiences on coping.
 
Give yourself time. Loosing a horse is loosing a friend and you don't get over that in a month. Over time you will find you think more about the happy times and the end fades in the knowledge that you did your best for him and made the kindest decision at the end.


Paula
 
Ditto Paulag.

I lost my mare very suddenly in an accident, I'm not sure if that's better or worse than having time to prepare for the day. Genie actually came home the very next day as she was coming anyway, and in some ways she helped me to move on as she kept me busy. On the other hand, I did have hell bonding with her. I remember being in the stable in floods of tears because she wouldn't pick up a foot when Mazzie was good as gold (Genie is as well now!).

With time I was able to move on. I still get a bit down on the anniversary, but I have photos of Mazzie and I don't think about her so much now.

Big hugs and just take one day at a time, don't think that you 'should' be feeling a certain way. Everybody is different and we all deal with it in different ways.
 
I think it is important to talk to people about how you feel, and share memories of him with others who knew him too.

Maybe it would help to find some of your favourite pictures of him and make something to go up on your bedroom wall. A montage or something may help you remember all the good times you had together.

I lost my boy in January and I still miss him terribly, but now I am able to talk about him without getting upset. I know it is difficult now, but time really is the best healer

Big hugs xx
 
CobsGalore said:
Maybe it would help to find some of your favourite pictures of him and make something to go up on your bedroom wall. A montage or something may help you remember all the good times you had together.
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I made a scrapbook of Smokey's and my time together, and wrote a kind of story from the beginning to the end. I included pictures, rosettes, everything I had that was related to her and my best friend at the time (who had no interest in horses at all) helped me do it and in the process began to understand what the mare meant to me. It certainly helped.

It does get easier, I promise. Even though it's been five years for me, I still have nights where I lie in bed thinking about Smokey and have a little cry but I think it's good that I'll never forget her. She kinda lives on through me in that way.
 
Very sorry to hear of your loss :(

Your story is very similiar to myn and I really can relate to you. I lost my beautiful girl 3 months ago (3 months on tuesday). She had navicular and collateral ligament damage, although she was actually PTS due to a terrible nuerological problem. I had only had her a year but our partnership was un-breakable and was tested on all levels due to her being so accident prone, we had many ups and downs, but she was my soul mate, my best friend and the only thing I would of gone to the ends of the earth for. Not only that but she was an experienced eventer and took me through the levels before she was struck down with a wide range of illneses.

At first I wasn't sure why I couldn't feel the inital heartbreak of loosing her, by god did I cry when she was finally laid to rest but after that day I couln't feel anything bar emptiness and coldness, I couldn't even shed a tear. And then it hit me around 2 weeks later, I can't begin to tell you the deep emotions that were suddenly overtaking my life. My emotions were everywhere, I could barely hold a conversation because I couldn't tune in to the world around me. I was stuck in a tiny bubble of sadness, despair and pure mental torture. I had amazing support from friends and family but I felt so alone. I had contemplated going to a councellor but I couldn't even bring myself to do that. I not so long ago visited a psychic and she really helped me overcome what I was feeling and the greatest thing she said to me was "your not alone and you will get through this, Moja would want you to be happy again" ...ever since that day my life has slowly started to piece back together and I'm slowly starting to look forward to the future again, not living in the past. Moja will always be in my heart and there's not a day that goes by where she's not in my thoughts, but when I think of her now I smile, the memories we shared I'll cherish and instead of feeling sad when I think of her, I feel happy and by god the luckiest girl to have the pleasure to share and be apart of her life.

It really is true when they say time is the greatest healer, you have to take each day as it comes. I promise you it gets easier, it gets worse before it starts to get better but that can be helped by regularly talking to friends and family, talk with people who have experienced the same, even try councelling.

If you want to PM me then feel free to do so, a few lovely people on HHO who had also lost a ned messaged me when I lost my girl and it really did help.

Best of luck :)
 
I lost my old mare almost four years ago, she was 33 id had her 20 years! the first few weeks were not so bad, and i could cope in the day, but i work in a pub i drive past my field on route home at 11.30 - midnight four nights a week, it was driving home past our field late at night that got me every time, i guess because there is less on the road all is quite and often our field sits in a (mist Dip) my old girl was called Misfit or Mist!

I often still do think of her on my drive home especialy on a misty night and just typing this i could still cry, i think only time can heal and dont be afraid to cry in a round about way i think its healthy to let it all out, i felt stupid to cry as she was so old and had a realy long life she had never wanted for any thing and in all her years only ever had 2 owners, and im still friends with the first we both loved her. Mist was pts on the 3rd of December it was not till boxing day that i really cryed for her other than the night she went x
 
Give yourself time and allow yourself to grieve. Dont shy away from those feelings, just let it come. I lost Benson in the most horrific way, and councelling helped me greatly, but those are the 2 things my councellor told me, that have stuck.

Be kind to yourself, and take care.
 
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences, I know it's not easy.

I think it's just hitting home now that he is actually gone. The first couple of weeks I was fine but I think now it's only just starting to sink home.

I'll certainly start looking through his pictures and belongings soon enough and look back at our memories.

He's genuinely the first thing that's I've been so close to that I've ever lost so it's all a new experience but it's reassuring to hear that these emotions are natural.

I find it hard to speak to those around me, mainly as they aren't that horsey but I find the forum really does help and I'm not alone.

Thanks for you support and help x
 
I lost my boy 3 months ago. He was my first pony and I'd had him for 6 years.
He injured a tendon in 2009 and after a very long and slow recovery he eventually became sound again.. I never expected him to be able to go out in a big field with other horses again and the day I was able to put him out with some friends to run around was amazing. I always said that I wasn;t going to go through it all again with him and even if his sound meds-free spree only lasted days, then it had been worth it and he'd be PTS straight away.
He went for several months and I was even thinking abut sitting on him again but then he started to go lame again. Boxrest made it worse so couldn't do that.
So when I got to the point when I realised that nothing was going to sort him out (confining him to a small paddock with no friends so he didn't run about helped a bit but he was 24 - that's no life) and everytime I saw him I was in floods, I decided to say goodbye, dosed him up on Danilon and let him have a few days of drugged up happiness.

The day he went was beautiful and sunny. Myself, OH and previous owner were with him and he looked fantastic. Afterwards, we went to the pub and got sloshed.

I have 2 others and they kept me going and I coped ok knowing I'd done the right thing. Then we went away to visit friends and I really started to struggle. Doubt set in. Did I try enough? Did I let him go too soon (as it turned out, the day after he went, the weather changed and we had allthose weeks of rain - he would never have coped on that ground)? It was awful.

I still feel like that. I know I did the right thing. I never wanted to see him as a poor-looking lame old stiff thing with his spark gone. His spark was going - his position in his herd changed and he bcame a little bit grumpier about things that he was ok with before.

But there's still that doubt. I can talk about him in the way I used to talk about stuff we'd done together when he was alive but when I think about *him*, about grooming him, about crying into his mane about things, about his beautiful face and impatient whinny when I wasn't doing stuff for him fast enough. It gets me.

At the end I wanted to take a big roll of cotton wool and wrap him up and take him home and keep him safe and comfy on the sofa with hot chocolate and biscuits. But I couldn't :(
 
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You just need time.... I had my lovely boy PTS in April 2011 (he had cancer and I had him PTS before he started suffering more than he was - Wednesday he was there, we'd been out riding, Friday morning he was gone forever). I'd had him 17 years and was utterly, utterly heart broken. I wasn't going to get another horse, but I was in such a state.... I cried everytime I drove down a country lane, or went walking in woods, thinking about how much I missed hacking out on him. I couldn't look at another horse without blubbing. I had so much more time to do stuff, but my heart wasn't in anything I did. At the end of June we went on holiday to Devon and I promised myself that if I still felt like that when we came back, I'd start looking for another one. I found one fairly quickly and got him mid august 2011 - completely green 6 year old. I took photos of him in the stable, looking over the door, showed them to my hubby when I got home, and burst into tears because it wasn't my old horse. Because my new one wasn't very affectionate and also, as I said, very green, I had to work hard with him every day to make a relationship and do stuff - he'd had a big lifestyle change from being a stallion, to coming to me, being a gelding and hacking out for the first time in his life. I think it took me till about may this year when me and the new one suddenly clicked - he wouldn't even let me brush him without kicking up a fuss. Even the other day I was filling up telling someone about my old horse. I don't think you ever get over it as such, it just gets easier. It's such a dreadful thing to go through - I never imagined it would be so bad. I hope you feel ok soon! Have to say, am delighted with my new horse and he is proving to be absolutely wonderful.
 
Sitting at my desk at work trying to fight back tears reading this.....

I think I will be something like that...
If i lost my girl now i would be absolutely devastated (and iv only had her 3monts) to think how i would feel in years and years on (shes only 6) doesnt bare thinking about, the bond we have already is ridiculously strong shes my world.

"he who has them must loose them"........

we will all be there at some point. Much love and thoughts from me. xxxxx
 
I can't even cope with the prospect of loosing one of my guinea pigs (one of them will never get better from dental issues), God only knows how i'd cope if something happened to my horse :(

'How can such a small animal take so much room in my heart?'
 
First off *big hugs* to you, It is not a pointless post at all. It is very hard, but time does help, it really does.
It is going to be a year next month since I lost my darling girl, I just cannot believe the time that has passed. She still crosses my mind every day, and in fact this last week it has really been consuming again, I miss her terribly still, I would love to have her back with me now, she was my girl and I still feel totally robbed at her sudden and premature death, even though we had 19years together, she was only 21. I know people lose them even younger but I wanted her to have a happy retirement and more years then she had

It will ease though, honestly it will, just let it out, don't expect much, you are very early days in this but time will help you, plus keeping busy and spending time with other horses.
 
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I also found that at first the weeks seemed to make it worse. After the first horror (i lost him suddenly) I was numb and then I became a timebomb. I burst into tears at work (not ideal when you are a teacher), in the post office and every single time I saw a horse. I found indulging myself by wrapping myself in his rug and looking at pictures was the only way I could cope. I made an album of pictures and poems and had his name tattooed by my heart. Really tho I started healing the day I brought Deano home - he will never replace milieu but he makes me happy which makes it easier.
I'm so sorry you are going through this and send you the biggest biggest hugs. Be kind to yourself. I also found writing about him on here was very comforting and I received a lot of support, I think it is a good idea. I hope the pain starts to ease soon xxx
 
I feel your pain. Lost my old boy 7 years ago this month and I still get sad- it still haunts me the phonecall I made to my parents when I was waiting for the vet I rang them and cried down the phone he's dieing......will never forget that. It does get easier though with time!
 
Time. Be prepared, at the most in opportune moments, for a wave of sadness to come over you and take you by surprise. It's normal. It's almost 5 months for me and most of the time I'm fine, but still have wobbly moments.

There is no 'How to' book when it comes to loss; we all cope with it differently so whatever you feel is normal for you. Hang in there - it does get better.
 
Thank you everyone and for the PM's - sorry I'm on my mobile so cannot reply to them but they are very much appreciated.

I hope others read the thread and it helps them too :)

Thoughts to all of you and thank you for sharing x
 
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss - I sadly lost my boy very suddenly to colic at around the same time you lost your horse, so understand how you're feeling. It's horrible, and I still have moments where I burst into tears at the smallest thing - yesterday I accidentally walked into the tack room and picked up his bridle instead of my mares and had a complete breakdown. Sometimes it's looking at the bit of fence he used to stand by, sometimes it's glancing across the field and having that panic that he's not there, then realising. It's absolutely horrible, and I think what you (and I!) need is time. I've found this forum to be a huge, huge comfort - I don't think people realise how much their kind words really do mean. My friends did their best but they're not horsey so didn't understand that losing a horse is like losing a best friend or a member of the family - this is a huge, lovely community and there's always someone around to give you a virtual hug or listen to you - even if it's 3am.
I still find it hard to look through photos, but what I intend to do is create a "photo book" of our time together, from the start to the end, with all the photos and memories inside - they can be made really beautifully and that way I can always have something to look through and remember the good times by. I want to make a "memory box" too, have a wooden chest and fill it with his special things like rosettes, headcollar, fleecey rug etc - it's too soon now (I currently have a bit of a shrine in a room of the house which I still find difficult to go in) but I know it will help me in time. I'm going to plant some beautiful flowers by his grave and get it properly fenced off so I can go there and just sit when I need to.
I've found I've started to talk about the things we used to do together with my close family and it does help to look back and smile - I still have the permenant lump in my throat and well up all the time, but he was such a huge character and I feel that talking about him keeps his memory alive. Sending loads of hugs your way xxx
 
I am so sorry to hear you are having to go through this :(

Oh I remember this feeling so well. I lost my 5yo Arab very suddenly in June last year, and I was devastated. I struggled at first every time I saw a picture of him as. Would just end up a blubbering mess. Once I could look at his pictures without entirely melting down, I made a calendar on truprint (about £20 but oh so very worth it) of some of my pics of Roo. I then loved seeing every month the pic of my dear boy I and to look at.

It is such a difficult time and so much of it is just to take it one day at a time. I remember the day after Roo had been PTS I had to walk down the field to get the other horses in. Leaving his head collar on the rack that day was the most difficult thing I ever had to do - may have been worse than actually holding him while he was being PTS :(

Big hugs to you OP - it does get easier, but there are still times now at will catch me unawares and has me blabbing away again xx
 
Might be worth seeing your GP. After bereavement myself I had Prozac which helped - if you follow gp's advice you wont have any problems coming off them.
 
Hi I read your post the other day and after visiting old boy this morning am waiting for the vet to come and PTS. He has arthritis. I came home blubbering and even just went shopping all red eyed...quite frankly I really dont care much who sees me etc. I had right trouble getting the words out and blabbering on the telephone to book it. He was ok yesterday and I am absolutely devatated but I know its the right realistic thing to do and as long as it goes smoothly he has had a good innings.

You are not silly and I think its something that unless you have one of these big beasties they are part of your life and family. I dont consider myself soppy but am feeling that way at this moment. I know people that are upset for a long time and the main thing is to talk about it. Thats why I am posting this as although I dont know any of you at all I got some good advice when looking at options and have had some kind messages of support.

I feel its end of an era. I have all his hay saddle etc and soon no horse but he has had a nice life and thats what I have to tell myself that he never went through a horse sale and ended up in the back of some nasty meat mans truck!

I am actually feeling sorry for my poor vet and am going to have to mop up and be brave as I want to be there. Sorry for the long waffle but I totally understand why you feel so bad but its quite normal. Keep talking about it, thats the main thing and its not morbid its being caring and a responsible owner. It will get easier and dont be hard on yourself.

Send me some good vibes I hope he goes off well. I hate this waiting it is a long day already.
 
I lost my 29 year horse that I had owned for 21 years a week before Christmas last. We where a real team and had loads of fun together. I miss her terribly as she was such a little character and I was still riding her at 29 years old. I miss her little head sticking out of over the stable door and her giving me a double barrel full if she did not want to be caught. I suppose it just takes a long time to get over such a loss but I know that I will always miss her for being such a brilliant little horse.
 
I lost my boy 6months ago also and the days before were the hardest I felt like my world was falling apart and struggled to get out of bed because I didn't want the day to come. When I let him go being at the yard and cuddling the horses really helped me through and my new girl was home a month later and without him I wouldn't still be riding so i felt i owed it to his memory to carry on because of what he'd done for me. I miss him dreadfully and i still haven't looked at the photos from my last two months with him i can't so i don't. If I talk about him and his memory I still cry because i know the bond I had with him was the kind of bond you only find once but when i see the look on peoples faces when i speak of him i know how supremely lucky I was to have had that bond once :) he will always be my baby wherever he may be and i think you just have to find your own way of remembering. Time is truly a great healer and just because you move on it doesn't mean you forget xx
 
All I can suggest is giving yourself time, I had my tb put down on Tuesday & to say I'm devastated is an understatement.
She had a tendon infection that could only be treated by surgery, I decided that I didn't want to put her through it & thought that putting her down was for the best, it was a tough call & I'll never know if it was the right decision.
But I know these are normal feelings so I'm putting up with it in the hope that I will eventually start to feel better.
You will feel better in time.
 
turkana said:
All I can suggest is giving yourself time, I had my tb put down on Tuesday & to say I'm devastated is an understatement.
She had a tendon infection that could only be treated by surgery, I decided that I didn't want to put her through it & thought that putting her down was for the best, it was a tough call & I'll never know if it was the right decision.
But I know these are normal feelings so I'm putting up with it in the hope that I will eventually start to feel better.
You will feel better in time.
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I have just come back from having old boy PTS by injection couple hours ago, which I thought was so kind I have been dreading it going wrong, he had a sedative and fell asleep whilst eating two apples(he never finished the 2nd). I think the thing I feel is he was looking trustingly at me and suspiciously at the vet. I am having mega guilt and feel I have betrayed him. What an awful experience. I am use to people dying but not my bestest friend. I can really now understand when people say its hard. They really are your friend and I suppose animals are such levellers. I dont have anyother horses and will have to go and tidy up his field which I feel so sad about. Really the end of an era. I think all the responses on here are good as we all know what it feels like. At the moment I never want to go through this again. Realistically I know he had a good life and was well cared for.
 
indie999 said:
I have just come back from having old boy PTS by injection couple hours ago, which I thought was so kind I have been dreading it going wrong, he had a sedative and fell asleep whilst eating two apples(he never finished the 2nd). I think the thing I feel is he was looking trustingly at me and suspiciously at the vet. I am having mega guilt and feel I have betrayed him. What an awful experience. I am use to people dying but not my bestest friend. I can really now understand when people say its hard. They really are your friend and I suppose animals are such levellers. I dont have anyother horses and will have to go and tidy up his field which I feel so sad about. Really the end of an era. I think all the responses on here are good as we all know what it feels like. At the moment I never want to go through this again. Realistically I know he had a good life and was well cared for.
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So sorry :( xxxxxxx
Try not to read too much into how he was looking at the vet - the key thing was that he was trusting you to do the right thing and you did.
When my boy went, we'd gone back out into the field so he could graze peacefully for a while. When the vet arrived he'd wandered a few paces away and I called him back and he came merrily plodding over with his ears pricked :( That breaks my heart. But it's irrational - of course he didn't know what was going to happen but I do know that he was unhappy with his leg and would only have gotten unhappier. He went with a mouthful of carrots :)
xxxxxx
 
AshTay

Thanks that sounds the same....I am glad they dont know.

I know I made the right decision my vet wasnt that sympathetic(I think because he wanted to take him for tests etc) The horse was elderly, didnt load well had xrays that showed arthritis in 2005 and creaked like an unoiled door. So apart from that I didnt want him to suffer anymore. One bute worked two wasnt doing it either.

But yes it was so peaceful and I am grateful for my horse that he did just go to sleep and I wont be worrying as to what I am going to find when I go to see him every morning.

But thank you and I hope everyone going through this finds all their upset completely normal. I am too wondering how long it takes to get over this, I can understand the OP why they feel so sad when they think about it. I hope with time I can hang onto the good times and enjoyment we had and forget today. Definitely a long old day today. RIP Old Boy.(I know he had a good innings compared to some).
 
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