Coping with the guilt of putting my horse to sleep

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Lennyl

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I made the decision this week to put my two year old connemara to sleep and I'm not coping very well with the thoughts of guilt, sadness and the general "what ifs".

Last summer my girl had a field accident and damaged the vertebrae in her neck (C3, C4). The initial treatment of steroids, anti-inflammatories, physio and chiro improved her to a point where she is able to walk, trot, canter and even gallop at times but all gaits are abnormal.
It was barely manageable to do her hooves while she was a yearling but now it's just a huge risk to try to get them seen to.
I can pick up either front hoof for a second but she becomes scared (quite rightly) because she is so unbalanced and unsteady. I wouldn't even risk trying to pick up a hind as she could easily fall on me.
To ask a farrier to do this job I feel is highly risky even if he had another person or two to help.

When I thought about the future and trying to manage her over the course of her life, however long that may be I just couldn't see how I could do it safely.
I also fear her falling in the paddock and becoming even more compromised... not to mention she is still only 2 with a lot more growing to do and she would definitely be an over height connemara.
So I've made the decision to put to sleep. I feel so sick at the thought of it. I don't believe her to be in any pain and she is the sweetest, prettiest thing which makes it all the harder.

I'm so very heartbroken.
I don't know what I'm looking for... tell me it gets easier, that the guilt I'm feeling is not because I'm doing the wrong thing.
It's nearing the day and I just keep having thoughts of ringing the vets and telling them not to come out to her.
 
You would just be prolonging the inevitable I'm afraid. 😟. You could wait until she is actually suffering, or you could put an end to it now, while she's still reasonable happy. Take the age out of it for a moment and you'd probably see it more clearly. A year down the line and you'll be proud of yourself for being brave I think.

FWIW I've never not had guilt and I've done it for more than a few. Even though they were all old, I still had moments of crippling doubt. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't question yourself. It's a huge responsibility we have.
 
Your decision sounds completely sensible and your feelings are so understandable. You're securing her future free from any pain or stress and at huge emotional cost to yourself. I know that feeling of surely there's some miracle we've overlooked in the days before putting a much-loved animal to sleep for quality of life reasons, and when it's long before what should be their natural time it's all the more difficult. You are doing the right thing, it's just very difficult to go through because you care.
 
You are doing the right thing. If she is that symptomatic then there will be a constant level of pain for her too. It’s the shittiest thing we have to do as horse owners.
If it helps, the overwhelming guilt feeling in the run up often changes to relief and sadness when the deed is done.
 
If it makes the decision any easier, talk it through with your vet and ask for a very honest opinion of where this situation is likely to go in the future. She can't have a normal life playing and 'horsing around' and neither can she have a working life as she is now. You sound as if you have thought it through, and it is a heart breaking decision. You have my respect for being brave and honest.
 
I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you have made a very difficult decision because you don't want her to suffer. She won't know anything about it and her future will be assured, no matter what.
 
I'm so sorry - its so much worse when they are young and you keep hoping they'll get better.

It sounds like the injury is irreversible and for a prey animal it probably leaves her with quite a level of underlying stress knowing that she is ataxic and can't balance properly.

You also have a responsibility to others who would need to work with your youngster and you can't take the risk of a farrier being hurt. Awful position to be in but sadly it sounds like PTS is the caring option.
 
Lennyl said:
I made the decision this week to put my two year old connemara to sleep and I'm not coping very well with the thoughts of guilt, sadness and the general "what ifs".

Last summer my girl had a field accident and damaged the vertebrae in her neck (C3, C4). The initial treatment of steroids, anti-inflammatories, physio and chiro improved her to a point where she is able to walk, trot, canter and even gallop at times but all gaits are abnormal.
It was barely manageable to do her hooves while she was a yearling but now it's just a huge risk to try to get them seen to.
I can pick up either front hoof for a second but she becomes scared (quite rightly) because she is so unbalanced and unsteady. I wouldn't even risk trying to pick up a hind as she could easily fall on me.
To ask a farrier to do this job I feel is highly risky even if he had another person or two to help.

When I thought about the future and trying to manage her over the course of her life, however long that may be I just couldn't see how I could do it safely.
I also fear her falling in the paddock and becoming even more compromised... not to mention she is still only 2 with a lot more growing to do and she would definitely be an over height connemara.
So I've made the decision to put to sleep. I feel so sick at the thought of it. I don't believe her to be in any pain and she is the sweetest, prettiest thing which makes it all the harder.

I'm so very heartbroken.
I don't know what I'm looking for... tell me it gets easier, that the guilt I'm feeling is not because I'm doing the wrong thing.
It's nearing the day and I just keep having thoughts of ringing the vets and telling them not to come out to her.
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I had to have my heart horse pts when someone lost their temper with him and pulled him over in his chimney, he reared and fell onto his neck.

He damaged his neck and ended up developing wobblers syndrome, although we think he already had CVM but the fall just increased the amount of calcium laid down as did the force of the injury decreasing the amount of space for the nerves impinging them. He was affected mainly in his hind quarters but also his front leg. He was assessed at Liverpool as Grade 3 (almost 4) and he had 17mm gap in the spinal cord where he was meant to have 51mm.

It was heartbreaking when xrays showed he couldn't be ridden again and when I asked the consultant if I could keep him as a 'pet' I was gently told by the consultant that with his level of impingement in his vertebrae and his neuro impairment meant he was too dangerous to keep alive as he could fall on anyone at any time.

I was also told that he could fall down and be unable to get back up again (become recumbent) and the thought of him lying in a muddy wet field whilst it hammered down with rain and unable to get up was enough to convince me to pts. So he was pts there and then a couple of hours after he first arrived at the hospital.

Although heartbreaking at the time, I know I did the right thing by Rommy.

I'm so sorry you are going through this but you are ultimately doing the right thing by your horse. So sorry x
 
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So sorry, how heartbreaking for you.

The thinking about it is the worst thing. You feel sad, wracked with guilt, sorry for the life that the pony might have had. But after it has happened you will still feel very sad, and will cry and mourn - but there will also we a feeling of relief that the pony is suffering no more and will not suffer in the future.

A vet was asked about her feelings of having to PTS horses and pets and she said she regards it as a privilege - she had been to countries where animals were just left to suffer and die yet here they will be loved and cared for up to the end and die peacefully.
 
I felt so devastatingly sad for you reading your post but I agree you’re doing the absolute best for your horse.

The guilt will feel awful right now but I hope once the waiting and fretting for ‘the day’ is over you will feel more at peace and your worries are eased.

Both of mine were old and it was time for them but I still felt awful in the run up. Once it was over there was a relief that I no longer needed to worry about them and I didn’t realise how much stress over their welfare was constantly simmering away.

Try not to be hard on yourself. You are doing the brave thing for your lovely horse. And I’m so sorry.
 
I am so very sorry it is a very difficult time for you. IMHO you are absolutely doing the right thing. In fact I would say you would be more 'guilty' if you did not allow your horse a dignified and peaceful end rather than falling in the field and laying there with a horrible injury, and that is just one of many possible catastrophic scenarios when you are dealing with a horse that has this sort of problem. Take care of yourself and accept this is all part of the grieving process and it will get better, and one day you will look back and know absolutely you made the only possible and correct decision for your horse's welfare. 😟
 
So sorry for you and your beautiful baby. A friend recently had this with her I backed four year old. It’s devastating. It’s the right thing but that doesn’t make it easy. I’d be filling her with as many carrots and apples as physically possible. I think once it’s done it will be less awful. It’s the waiting.
 
My beautiful Rua was put to sleep this morning. It went as quickly and peacefully as one could hope for. Though I'm heartbroken I want to thank you all so much for the kind words and the support you showed me, a stranger on the Internet. Your replies brought me great comfort at a time when I was feeling so low and doubting everything. I've attached a photo of my girl as although her life was short she was a big part of mine.
 
Lennyl said:
My beautiful Rua was put to sleep this morning. It went as quickly and peacefully as one could hope for. Though I'm heartbroken I want to thank you all so much for the kind words and the support you showed me, a stranger on the Internet. Your replies brought me great comfort at a time when I was feeling so low and doubting everything. I've attached a photo of my girl as although her life was short she was a big part of mine.
Click to expand...
I'm so glad that it went well and you can now grieve for what should have been, as well as for your beautiful mare. You really have done the best you could for her.
 
What a very brave and compassionate thing you have done for Rua by putting her needs before your own and there is no guilt in that. It is a difficult price we pay for loving our horses so much.

I think many of us on here find peace of mind once the day has passed and the agony of making that decision is over. I hope it is that way for you, too.
 
I know someone who wasn’t brave and got injured many times by her clumsy slightly angry and probably in pain warm blood who did the splits when he was two. Thankfully he eventually went with colic in his teens but poor boy should have been allowed to go sooner in my opinion. He was horrible to handle. Very scary.
 
I'm so sorry.

Just to offer some comfort, I've just spent a week struggling with labyrinthitis and as a human who understood what was happening, it was awful and scary. It would have been so much worse as a prey animal. You have her a dignified, peaceful end and that's all any of us can hope for really. ❤️❤️💐💐
 
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