Could I have some views on this advertisement

[TheBlackMoth]

I could do with some advice on this advertisement - as most of you know I am not horsey. We are selling my oldest daughter's horse and I am not sure if we have got the advertisement right. If you could look at it for me and give me some feedback.

Biggles is a lovely horse and has come a long way since we got him - he was only 7 weeks of the track. He will make someone a great horse for local showing and he has a wonderful nature - he is so laid back even I can handle him!

http://www.horsehunter.co.uk/16hh-Chesnut-Gelding-p-37977.htm

Thanks very much in advance.

 

[newboult51]

I think it is a very good ad - seems very honest and straightforward and gives all the right info

 

[dixie]

Sounds pretty good. I would personally mention what he's like in traffic, to catch, farrier, clip etc and you are repeating yourself a bit with saying needs a confident rider and then again not a novice ride. I would personally amalgamate that section. Nice photos.

 

[Cliqmo]

Hi there, he sounds really sweet. I would only say that you don't need to put what tack he has available, just that you would sell it by negotiation. Also the add seems a bit 'wordy' but that might just be me being pinickity

 

[Stacie_and_Jed]

Seems good to me. Very honest and straight to the point!

I wish i had £2500 i think he's lovely.

 

[BigRed]

Spelling - travelling.

Personally I would remove the comment about home being more important than price, your horse is already cheap, so don't give someone an open invitation to kick you in the butt on the price.

I would put the cribbing comment at the end, to explain the low price. I would also put the comment about him needing a confident rider at the beginning. You start off making him sound like a paragon of virtue, then slip in the fact that actually he can be excitable to hack and jump. I think that needs to be clear, so that potential buyers know he needs a good rider.

Good luck with your advert.

 

[TGM]

Nice photos - although I would crop the flatwork one if that is possible.

Main change I would make would be to put all the info about what he can do and what he is like to ride at the beginning of the ad, eg:

"16hh chestnut tb gelding. Has done all riding club activities and is extremely well behaved when traveling and at shows. Excellent cross country and has established flatwork. Never refused and is a genuinely honest horse. Snaffle mouthed in all disciplines. Needs a confident rider for jumping and hacking as can get excited. "

To most advertisers that is the most important bit - all the other stuff can follow on after that.

 

[TheBlackMoth]

Thanks for the input. We will change the advertisement.

 

[AmyMay]

Sounds like a smashing horse. And have nothing to add to TGM's excellent suggestion.

Very generously priced too.

 

[golddustsara]

Ad looks good - I like wordy ad's! Wish I was closer, he's what I will be looking for in the next couple of months.

 

[lexiedhb]

When i read it the only thing that struck me was "Has never bucked or bolted".......... so he rears then?????

That might just be the way my mind works, but thats what i thought!

 

[TheBlackMoth]

Oh no - he's never reared either. He's just very enthusiastic when jumping and that's it. He's a lovely horse really gentle. As I say, I can handle him and I am not horsey at all.

 

[lannerch]

I agree with tgm, you could put good home a priority but don't as others have said infer you would drop the price again as he is already very reasonable.

Otherwise nothing to add except what a smashing horse I think you will have no problems selling fingerscrossed to a lovely home

 

[H's mum]

I think that that's a really nice straight forward advert and I think he's priced cheaply (IMHO).
Good luck finding him a home - If I hear of anyone looking for a nice allrounder I'll let you know

Kate x

 

[TheBlackMoth]

Thank you all. I will get it altered when my daughter gets home.

 

[M_G]

Fantastic horse and great ad, I cant think of anything else to add

 

[AmyMay]

I'm sure you'll have people ringing your phone off the hook on this one.

 

[FinnishLapphund]

Couldn't resist having my own try,

could also not resist adding the text in red.

"16hh chestnut Tb gelding. Is excellent to handle in all ways <font color="red">(can be handled by non-horsey mother)</font>, extremely well behaved when travelling and at shows. Needs a confident rider for jumping and hacking as can get excited. Has done all riding club activities, has raced, is eligible for race to riding horse classes. Snaffle mouthed in all disciplines. Excellent cross country and has established flatwork. Never refused and is a genuinely honest horse. Is not spooky and will hack out alone or in company, first or last. Very good to shoe, clip, catch etc. Same home for the last 3 years, will be an extremely sad sale. Tack available by negotiation, he does crib bite when eating feeds but is easily controlled with cribox and coligone supplement, hence price. Please no time wasters or dealers, good home a priority, call for more information."


Good luck with the selling, hope you find him a good home.

 

[flowerlady]

[ QUOTE ]
Couldn't resist having my own try,

could also not resist adding the text in red.

"16hh chestnut Tb gelding. Is excellent to handle in all ways <font color="red">(can be handled by non-horsey mother)</font>, extremely well behaved when travelling and at shows. Needs a confident rider for jumping and hacking as can get excited. Has done all riding club activities, has raced, is eligible for race to riding horse classes. Snaffle mouthed in all disciplines. Excellent cross country and has established flatwork. Never refused and is a genuinely honest horse. Is not spooky and will hack out alone or in company, first or last. Very good to shoe, clip, catch etc. Same home for the last 3 years, will be an extremely sad sale. Tack available by negotiation, he does crib bite when eating feeds but is easily controlled with cribox and coligone supplement, hence price. Please no time wasters or dealers, good home a priority, call for more information."


Good luck with the selling, hope you find him a good home.

[/ QUOTE ]

FL if I was selling mine I'd ask you to do the ad

 

[biggles1177]

Hi thanks for all the replies everyone. I am Jenny and biggles is my horse. Have changed the ads as suggested.

 

[MurphysMinder]

He sounds an ideal teenagers horse at a sensible price (just 6 years too late for my daughter

).

 

[tabithakat64]

Sounds like a smashing horse

 

[FinnishLapphund]

[ QUOTE ]
FL if I was selling mine I'd ask you to do the ad

[/ QUOTE ]

Well thank you

, but I had good material to work with and after reading all the advices already given, I just copied the text, separated the sentences and then put most of them back in what to me sounded like a suitable order.

Glad you liked it.

 

[gnubee]

I would take out the bit about "no timewasters". Bit of a pet peeve of mine, but I think it puts off people who genuinely might be interested but aren't sure and are worried about being labled a timewaster for turning up without the cash in their hands, and if youre a genuine timewaster I'm sure that being told by the advert that you're unwelcome doesnt put you off.
I would also suggest adding a good conformation shot (unsaddled, no rider). Ads without make me very suspicious.

 

[PeterNatt]

I would state the reason why you are selling the horse.

 

[TheBlackMoth]

You know I wondered about that. But I always think it sounds like you are excusing selling it. We are selling him because we bought him as a project and he is ten now and ready to go to his new home.

 

[FinnishLapphund]

, I couldn't resist checking the ad to see how you had changed it and you've used my suggestion!

I feel all

and

at the same time.

 

[TheBlackMoth]