Daughter doesnt want her horse anymore!

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navaho

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Sorry if this is long, please bear with me :)

My 18yr old daughter has been a bit of a nightmare over the last year, she left home & went of with some random guy she had just met (she was 17 then) didnt tell me she was going & i couldnt contact her, thanks to some of her friends i managed to track her down & she eventually decided to come home, this was last September on her 18th birthday.
Since then she seemed to have sorted herself out, starting going to college & hanging out with her original friends,then, in November we decided if she wanted, that she could buy a foal, so she ended up with a very smart section D colt, which she was chuffed to bits with & had great plans for...
Fast forward to just over a week ago, she went out with her mates as usual on the weekend & came home Sunday as per normal, Monday morning she gets up & goes off to college & that was the last i heard from her until her friends managed to track her down AGAIN for me, i had a message from her Thursday evening on Facebook to say "im ok ill be home tomorrow", maybe i threw all my toys out of the pram a bit, i dont know, but replied saying it was tonight or not at all. Needless to say she didnt appear & she rolled up Friday afternoon. We talked & i said she wasnt being fair on anyone, ok shes 18, but what does it hurt to let me know she is ok & not dead in a ditch somewhere? Anyway, the long & short of it is shes packed her bags & cleared off with some guy who shes only just met, AGAIN, who is in the Army & is back off there again in a couple of weeks, her parting shot was telling me to sell JJ, her foal, as she didnt want him & she couldnt do anything with him for years. I dont know where all this has come from & i dont know what to do, my partner said stuff her, if thats her attitude sell it, but i think when this lad goes back to the army shes going to come running back with her tail between her legs & be totally gutted if i do sell him. Trouble is i do wonder if im being a door mat & she is just expecting me to be waiting there to pick up all the pieces when it goes wrong & fully expecting me to keep her foal for her....she only said to sell him when i asked what she was going to do with him, im struggling to do my own if im honest, as i damaged my tendons in both my shoulders before Xmas.
Anyway, sorry for the moan, i know its long, just needed to get it off my chest :)
 
Sell him, or even send him off for a few weeks on grass livery somewhere, when she comes home tell her you have sold him and see her reaction if she doesn't care then go ahead and sell him for real, or if she is totally gutted bring him back but say next time it'll be sold for real. She can't keep treating you like this.
 
I do tend to agree with your daughter, it is going to be some years before she can do anything with the colt.
2-3 years in an 18 year olds life is long time and at a transient time either education or job wise. Who knows where she will be in a couple of years time and will she have the time to do anything with the horse then anyway?

Easy to say, but I would sell.
 
You sound like a lovely mum.

Maybe it's time for her to learn that life doesn't come for free and you can't treat people badly.

If you don't want JJ them I would say sell him to someone who is going to give him a good home or like another member said put him away on grass livery and see if this wakes her up.

I think that you have been more than fair. Yep 18 is a tough age but we all have to grow up sometime.
 
Yes she may be 18 but she is still living under your roof, therefore should respect your rules whilst she is there. IMO she seems to be taking you for granted and should be grateful to have a horse bought for her! Doesnt take 2 mins to send you a text/make a call to let you know she is ok. I totally agree with the above poster in that you should consider grass livery for a while - see how she reacts when the foal is no longer there.
 
quirky said:
I do tend to agree with your daughter, it is going to be some years before she can do anything with the colt.
2-3 years in an 18 year olds life is long time and at a transient time either education or job wise. Who knows where she will be in a couple of years time and will she have the time to do anything with the horse then anyway?

Easy to say, but I would sell.
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I see where your coming from, but she loves showing inhand which is what he was bought for, she never really been into the riding side of things, but i had hoped once he was older he would make a nice riding horse for her. Just as an example of what she is like, on her 16th birthday we agreed she could get herself a horse, as she loved messing about with mine, she pretty much, within reason & budget, had a choice of whatever she wanted...she settled for a yearling section B colt who was never going to be bigger than 12hh. So i cant see where all this has suddenly come from, onyl the week before we were planning his first show in April :(
 
Sell him. You have enough problems to deal with & if your daughter can't be responsible in her own life (don't think you're asking for much in a phone call) she should not be allowed to be responsible for another (young) life. That foal deserves a decent start, or else he could be ruined, it's not fair on him. She is too reckless to be allowed to make decisions or care for him.

If she comes back crying he's gone then it;s about time she grew up mentally. She can't think she can do as she pleases then pick up this foal when it suits her & dump him when it doesn't, horses are a full-time responsibility, take it or leave it.

Be fair to the foal & yourself, sell him to a someone who will take responsibility for his needs, education & upbringing. Never offer to buy her another living animal until she sorts her life out.
 
newbie reply time lol!!

she is an adult and therefore able to make her own decisions, if she wants to sell JJ then that is her decision, and so be it, the only way we can posssibly learn is by being alowed to make our own decisions/mistakes

It is hard, but you need to now step back and stop trying to get her to do the right thing, easier said than done, I know, but essential for you and your sanity

Most teenagers make decisions that we know are wrong/silly/or painful, but how do we know, by making them ourselves, if she wants to move out then so be it, the more 'understanding' you are the less likely she will want to 'punish', you, but everytime she gets a reaction from you, she is getting the drama, attention, she wants

how do I know, because I was your daughter once, as possibly alot of us once were also :)
 
I'd sell him. What part of her saying 'she didn't want the foal anymore' isn't making sense? She has made a decision and needs to live with the consequences of that. You's were very generous getting it for her and she obviously doesn't appreciate it. It sounds as if it was almost a bribe for her though, for good behaviour, if so, it obviously hasn't worked unfortunately. If she has no interest now, she doesn't sound committed to it for the future.

Give the poor thing to someone who will give it the time it deserves, and also take the pressure off you with your bad shoulders.

She's 18, so technically an adult. It's disrespectful of her to not tell you if she won't be home overnight etc.If i was you i'd tell her to get her own flat and then she can come and go as she pleases. But if she's in your house she needs to show respect. My parents laid down ground rules for me when i was 18 and one of them was to let them know if i would be gone overnight. Nowadays its even easier with texts, theres no excuse.
 
Ouch i didnt know she didnt appear until friday :eek:
personally if it were me I`d be selling but the grass livery idea sounds ok, until your daughter bucks her ideas up. If she does come back with the right attitude and a bit more respect for you then she can have the pony back, if she does the same again then I would think about selling.
Such a tough situation for you hun. If I had the room and a better winter field you could chuck him with mine for a few weeks/ months,
 
So sorry, it must be very difficult for you but you really need to let go of your daughter until she decides to come home again of her own free will.

I have had horses since I was 12 and am now 43!!! I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of girls that have transitioned from ponies and mums running around after them to adults and their own horse and paying the bills and doing all the work! VVVV rare - trust me! Boys always seem to win - god knows why because they are more of a pain in the arse than horses!

Anyway, unless you want to keep the horse for yourself then I suggest you sell it and back off. Your daughter needs to go off and learn a few growing up lessons and unfortunately she will get hurt along the way but you need to let her learn. If she was that keen on the horse she would be up there doing it herself, not relying on her mother who she knows has a damaged shoulder - she is being very very selfish!

Good luck.
 
Do right (whatever you feel that is) by JJ and change the locks on the door. Cut any financial support off and let her grow up without anyone to fall back on. That's what I would do if my OH would back me up. I put the pony out on loan as it's not her fault my daughter was an arse.
 
Ive sat down & explained how i feel to her, i did this last time as well, shes made all the same promises that she would get in touch etc but she never does, this is why i stood my ground on Friday with her, it honestly tore my heart out seeing her go, but i cant keep going through this with her. I wish i knew why she was like this, she was always a good kid, it all kicked off last year around this time when we had a call from her friend to say my daughter was really really drunk in town & we needed to come & get her, we literally had to pick her up & put her in the car she was so bad, when we got her home she got very aggressive & punched me in the face & knocked my front tooth out :( things havnt been the same with her since then. I did forgive her, but she just went from bad to worse, weve had the police out several times (she was only 17 at the time) to try & find her, in the end i just gave up & let her go the last time she did this, i really had hoped it was the end of it, but now i feel were back to square one again.
 
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From a daughter who adores her mother, I would sell the foal to someone who deserves him. My mum (and dad tbh) both supported me through college, uni and early work years with my horses. I never, ever treated them with the disrespect shown by your daughter, boys or no boys. I was greatful for everything they helped me with and now at 31 my mum and I have an amazing friendship. If she cares to be so flippent about the responsibilities of having a horse and caring parents then she doesn't deserve either. Great parents don't come easily, many wouldn't go without so their offspring can have the nice things in life, so I think a bit of tough love is in order. Be strong now so that she doesn't treat you like a doormat from now on. She sounds like she needs a bit of a reality check.
 
brighteyes said:
Do right (whatever you feel that is) by JJ and change the locks on the door. Cut any financial support off and let her grow up without anyone to fall back on. That's what I would do if my OH would back me up. I put the pony out on loan as it's not her fault my daughter was an arse.
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I'm nearly 20yo and this is exactly what I would expect my parents to do- tough love! She won't learn that her actions have consequences until you allow her to have a hard fall. I'm sure that her mind is on everything and anything other than her horse and is probably happy to have it when it suits her and then just dump it with someone else when it doesn't (I know, I've been there when I was 16yo!)
 
I would sell, I know full well if I behaved like your daughter then my mum would sell my horse too, my son is only 3 years old but if he couldn't treat people and animals with respect then I would sell his pony.
 
Ok put him up for sale - itis unlikely that he'll be gone by next week and youngstock are not exactly flying off the shelves at the moment for the same reason as your daughter wants to sell JJ - but if he does then lucky you and it is clearly fate !

If she realises he is up for sale then you can guage her reaction .... let her know when you have got someone coming to view, just so you can rest knowing that you kept her informed and she can't use it against you in fights to come ! :-(

Hope it works out, I was a nightmare when I was her age and I am really sorry for it now, if it helps me and my mum have an excelent relationship these days :-)
 
You have to harden up. By working around her behaviour and backing down, you are enabling her, and making her behaviour worse. Some kids just go off the rails at that age, I wouldn't be racking my brains trying to figure out why or if its the way you raised her, it just happens to a lot of kids. I was always a fairly quiet child and i went nuts on drinks and drugs for a few years.

It sounds like she is doing the same. Although knocking out a tooth when shes drunk is completely unacceptable. If she comes back to live in your house, i'd only allow her in if she gets some form of counselling.
 
The thing is if she's only ever been playing about with your horse and hasn't actually had to look after one full time and hasn't had to work for it, so she really has no idea just how lucky she is, and by the sounds of it really doesn't appreciate you buying it for her or what you do for her - someone who is horsey mad will do anything to keep one!!
I know an 18yr old that is at college but in the mornings she not only looks after and rides her 2 horses but also a friends 2 horses for a small fee and she's been doing it for a couple of years too - all before college, and then again in the evening and at the weekends along with another part time job - all to earn money for her 2 horses which she saved up to buy in the first place, and she really appreciates them - it's an important lesson to learn!
I would sell him - if she is really keen then she should save up and get her own and look after it - she is behaving like a spoilt child - so treat her like one and sell the pony to someone who will do it justice. She will probably respect you for it in the long run rather than her always knowing that if she doesn't feel like it someone will always be there to pick up the pieces for her - she needs to learn that is not how life works I'm afraid!!!:D
 
Im 23, my mum died when i was 18 so i certainly remember being 18! She is an adult and her behaviour towards you isnt acceptable!! When my mum died i was forced very quickly to grow up, and to be honest it sounds like she needs a good old "kick up the backside" at her age she should be able to AT LEAST do as you ask and let you know she is ok. Its not like you are trying to stop her going out at all. You sound like a fab mum, and very supportive!!

However, you surely arent someone to be taken advantage of forever? Id sell the foal,she told you to do it, and if she is going to dissapear off and not look after it, why should you keep footing the bill for her to pick it up and drop it when she likes.

Perhaps sell it, and if it was hers, put the money aside, but dont tell her about it, and if she chooses to grow up a bit, perhaps invest in another when you feel the time is right.

Anyway its not exactly fair on the foal to be "neglected" (i am not saying you are!).

Best of luck!
 
Personally I think it is reasonable to ask for phone calls to let you know she is staying out, when she expects to be back, at 18 who she is with, boyfriend or girlfriend.

Bottom line is you are her mum & can't stop yourself worrying. A phone call can make such a difference to you. After 18 years of care & love you deserve this. You haven't done anything wrong, it's just her working through who she is, unfortunately in a not very considerate, adult way. Keep loving her (but not being her doormat), & hope in the end she will come back a sane adult as opposed to this immature child playing at 'adult'. Never in my life, alcohol or not, adult or child, would I ever raise a hand to my mother, it is not acceptable behaviour to you & is disrespectful.
 
It sounds to me she wants to come and go as she pleases like a "proper grown-up" without any of the responsibility that comes with being an adult. I'm 22, and still live with my parents, and I would NEVER even dream of treating them with such disrespect; I still let my mum know where I'm going if I go out, and when I'll be in - yes, I am an adult and I am allowed to do as I want, but I know fine well she'll worry if she doesn't know where I am. That sounds a bit harsh, but it's how I was brought up :)

Sell him, she needs to grow up and learn some responsibility, and it's not fair to JJ. It's what my parents would have done.
 
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Sell the foal.
She's not showing you any respect what so ever. I'm 16 and know the consequences if I behaved like that, I'd have no horse and certainly not as much freedom as I do now.

She needs to understand you aren't a door mat.
 
I'm 30 and have had horses since I was 10. I never behaved like this because i knew my parents would sell my girl. My sister dropped out of horses in her teens and her horse went on loan and then was sold. It was only a few years later when we got a call to say the girls has outgrown him was it agreed he would come home but now she has a family so she pays half for him and my parents pay half and i care for him. She got it mighty easy in my book but i love him too and wouldn't be without him. But not many girls stick with it all the way through like i did. She needs to learn you will follow through and JJ deserves to be loved and cared for properly.
 
I think she is treating you appalingly!!! I am 19 and I felt guilty at the weekend when my mum mucked out for me while I tacked up. In the 6 months I have had him she has put him out once and again I felt guilty. I think she needs to realise what she has and that she is very lucky. My mum always knows where I am as it is polite and stops her from worrying. I would sell him and I would expect my parents to do the same in that situation or at least put him on loan or some where else so she thinks he has gone and hopefully realises what she has.
 
Sell the foal unless you personallyw ant to keep him for yourself. She is not responsible enough for horse ownership and evidently doesn't want him. I do wonder why you got a foal instead of a riding horse, which she could do more with?
But yes, she is treating you like a doormat and at 18 needs to learn there are consequences.
You need to decide, are you happy to be 'base' for her, not knowing where she is etc. (and at 18 she is an adult and able to make her own choices) or is it time to say, you have to move out now, and be an adult.?
 
I was a nightmare teen, and I mean nightmare. i was placed in my older sisters care when I was 14, sent back home at 15, left again at 17. Although I did have reason for behaving so badly (very genuine reasons ) I did it because I could. If I'd had my own horse though nothing would've kept me from it. Anyway, she behaves how she likes because she can. She's got a very cushy life and lovely, kind parents who will always be there for her. Don't feel bad, it's time you got tough and made her realise the big grown up world she's craving isn't a game and it's bloody hard to stand on your own feet without the safety net of parents. Call her bluff and sell the pony, good luck.
 
I'm another who would sell the foal, your daughter is being quite awful really, your post sounds really sad. No one deserves to be treated like that :(

Agree with the others regarding texts, it's no excuse it takes 2 mins to send a text to let someone know you are ok.
 
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