Daughter doesnt want her horse anymore!

[PonyIAmNotFood]

I'm 20 and live away from home all week doing what I want, when I want without telling my parents, but when I go home at the weekend I make sure to let them know my whereabouts and plans so they don't worry. It's just plain respect, I live there rent free after all. I'd sell JJ and fully expect my parents to do it in your position, she doesn't sound like she deserves anything from you to be brutally honest. Cut her off and see how 'grown up' she is then.

 

[Vixen Van Debz]

She sounds like my sister, who did lots of silly things like pull out of Uni cos she met a waster who made her believe she wasn't worth it, but had the gall to blame Mum and Dad for pushing her into the 'rat race'. She was the original boomerang kid, back and forth and back and forth, stuck with a loser who was horrid and took all her confidence and inner-happiness away. What did we do? We loved her enough to be honest - to have the arguments, to speak our minds. When that wasn't enough for her to change things, then we let her make her own mistakes, knowing that we loved her and when she needed us again (and we knew she would because A was a pig) we'd be there with opening arms. It worked - it took her years to wise up to A, but she was never afraid to come to her family for help. I'm not saying we liked it, but it's part of being a family, the whole picking up of the pieces.

So, I guess I'm saying if reasoning with her isn't working then you need to give her the room to make her own mistakes. She will come back, realise her wrongs and need your support. I'd definitely send the foal off at least as a reality check, if not sell it. It's such a long-term committment in a period of life where time seems to go by so slow!

 

[D66]

Another one who says sell the foal. I would keep the money for a deposit for a flat (rental) or car if she needs one to get a job, but dont tell her the money is available until she settles down a bit. From experience she probably will improve her behaviour but it may take several years;in the mean time carry on trying to keep in contact and stay civil ie keep your temper while talking to her to 'keep the door open'.
She is now 18 and should realise fairly soon that the lifestyle you have been providing is not guaranteed without input/effort from herself.
Good Luck.

 

[Trolt]

At the moment she has you as security: when things go wrong she can run back home and you'll welcome her with open arms.
Sell the horse. The reality may bring her sharply back to ground that you will carry through with threats.

Sit down and talk to her as well: either she texts you every night she's not coming home, letting you know where she is and when she will be home ... or if shes going to treat the house like a hotel then she can pay rent for the pleasure of having the freedom. It's her choice. Then carry it out. If she chooses to keep you informed of her life and fails then she can be charged rent, If she chooses to pay rent and fails to pay the money then the locks change.

She needs the sharp reality kick of growing up and taking responsibility. I'm away at university but still ring my parents twice a week, and when I return to uni will phone them and let them know I've arrived safely. I'll also send odd texts so they know I'm ok ... it's not difficult and it should be common sense for her, not some hassle.

However, I know my parents carry through their threats. If they say "do" something then there better be a blooming good reason why it's not been done!

 

[touchstone]

Do right (whatever you feel that is) by JJ and change the locks on the door. Cut any financial support off and let her grow up without anyone to fall back on. That's what I would do if my OH would back me up. I put the pony out on loan as it's not her fault my daughter was an arse.

Ditto this. You need to explain to her that her behaviour is unreasonable and that although she is loved very much, you need to make a stand on this and be treated with some respect.
As was said earlier, if you allow her behaviour to continue without consequences it will only get worse.

 

[jendie]

You do sound a lovely, understanding mum. I feel for you as one of my sons behaved in a very similar way when he was that age. I promise it is a phase that will pass as she matures, but it may take a few years. I don't think I'd sell the foal if you can possibly keep it without too much hassle for yourself. The foal may give her some focus that will help pull her out of her current situation. In the meantime please look after yourself, it is easy to get depressed when you are dealing with this behaviour.

 

[Pedantic]

She's 18, means adult, able to vote, drink, smoke, have sex, drive, WORK, your being a doormat, your not legally responsible for her anymore, sell the foal and move on.

 

[MerrySherryRider]

Get tough and stop allowing her a safety net which allows her behave so badly towards you.
Sell the foal, change the locks, stop financial assistance. She wants the freedom to live her life? Then let her and let her realise that being an adult means responisiblity.
You can't run yourself into the ground because of her immaturity. I'm sure she is a lovely girl really, but she needs to be allowed to know the consequences for irresponsibilty. Go for Tough Love, being soft isn't working.

 

[stroppy]

Sell him,if she's not interested the she's not interested, if you sell him and she comes home and regrets not having him then she will sort herself out, if she comes back and doesn't miss him then that's one less issue for you aswell, nothing worse than having to do something you have no interest in doing?
Can i ask why you bought her a foal in the frst place rather thats was either being ridden already or ready to be backed?

 

[stroppy]

Get tough and stop allowing her a safety net which allows her behave so badly towards you.
Sell the foal, change the locks, stop financial assistance. She wants the freedom to live her life? Then let her and let her realise that being an adult means responisiblity.

DO NOT DO THIS!! unless you never want any contact with her ever again, I was older than your daughter when my mother attempted to do this, I didn't see or speak to her for 7 years after and can barely tolerate each other now.

 

[paddi22]

DO NOT DO THIS!! unless you never want any contact with her ever again, I was older than your daughter when my mother attempted to do this, I didn't see or speak to her for 7 years after and can barely tolerate each other now.

if my daughter completely disrespected me and punched me in the face knocking a tooth out i would have no qualms changing the locks.

How much abuse do you think the mother should take?

You might have had completely different circumstances than the OP. If I made the decision to change the locks and then it took my daughter 7 years to speak to me, well, it shows up her immaturity rather than anything to do with me. Its the OP's house, once the daughter is an adult, she should respect that. I would also find it hard to tolerate a daughter who punched me in the face and never apologised. I think tough love is the best way forward for the OP and i wish her luck, and that in a few years she gets apleasant level headed adult daughter back.

 

[soulfull]

DO NOT DO THIS!! unless you never want any contact with her ever again, I was older than your daughter when my mother attempted to do this, I didn't see or speak to her for 7 years after and can barely tolerate each other now.

ok so what should the mom do?

Personally I would sell the foal and just back off leave her to it. If you support her financially then ok carry on at least for now. I wouldn't change the locks atm wait and see what happens when she knows foal is sold. I would also sell him fairly cheap so he sells fast.
Then just send her the odd text that is friendly but not questioning in any way.

 

[stroppy]

Obviousley there are other issues, even if they are no ton the surface or directly linked, sort those out first then the rest will follow

 

[SusieT]

stroppy-you were older than 18 when your mum changed the locks so you didnt speak to her for 7years? Grow up! At 18 you are an adult and resonsible for yourself and your parents have NO obligation to house you, their roof, their rules and you obviously did not follow them so tough!

 

[Elsbells]

Going off the rails again as she has in the past? Not wanting to listen or try to make you happy as a loving daughter would? Having new friends that you don't know, and choosing to be with, and listen to, rather than her old friends? Her futile attempt at rejoining the safety of her family only for her leave again without any rymme or reason that you can see and with yet another complete stranger?

It would ring pretty loud alarm bells for me regardless of wether I should sell her foal or not.

 

[spotty_pony]

I'd move him away to a different yard for a while and see what her reaction is when she thinks you have sold him. If she's not bothered, go ahead and sell him and if she is let her keep him if she promises she won't do this again. It will be a shock to her if she thinks you really are going to sell him.

 

[frozzy]

I am sure you are a loving doting mum who only wants her daughter to be happy, however she is taking the mick, big style !! She wants to be an adult, but she wants mummy there too. Time to stand strong I'm afraid. The foal is the least of your problems.
I have had four daughters they are aged between 17 and 40 and all have had their moments, but never ever have they hit me, or arrived in the house the worse for drink, or stayed out all night without letting me know where they are. Your lass needs a dose of tough love I am afraid. It might be a bit late, but lay down the rules and stick to them.

 

[brighteyes]

Daughter has asked for the youngster to be sold - navaho isn't threatening to do this.

So, stroppy what caused you to derail and disown your mother? You want to try being the mother of a child who is a total ingrate but whose father won't back you up with the sanctions you feel are necessary. Maybe daughter will come around of her own accord, but I disagree that any unacceptable behaviour and disrespect has to be excused and forgiven. Or that one's own trampled efforts, battered feelings and anxieties count for stuff all because of 'precious child's' selfish and thoughtless actions.

 

[maxapple]

There are definately issues wth her behaviour that need adressing - and you do need to be firm / not be a walk over, but you are her mum, and it sounds to me like there are other things going on. Changing the locks could just drive her even further (actually and emotionally) into even more trouble. I'm not a mum, but am a secondary school teacher of 15 years, and in my experience when something like this happens, there is always something behind it - and often young people just need someone on their side to help them even when they are being awful. She could be in trouble in some way, and even if not, she is heading that way. Taking the 'hard line' might not be the way to help her. I've known some appaling kids who turn out good in the end, because despite everything they had someone who never gave up on them.

It could be that she is just totally taking advantage of you and being horrid, but it could also be that she has got herself in trouble in some way / done something stupid / got mixed up in something that she doesn't know what to do to get out of.

You do need to set boundaries and tackle her on what she is doing, but strike a balance between actually getting her to listen and driving her away. (Easier said than done I know - but despite everyone saying 18 is old enough, I teach 18 year olds, and many are still very young and vulnerable and need someone to help them sort out the mess they are making of things!)

If you can't cope with her (and I really don't blame you if not - she is being pretty awful and unconsiderate) is there someone else in your family who could talk to her about what she is doing, or a friends mum? If you really feel she can't stay at home with you (and again I could totally understand that) could you help find her a safe alternative.

As for the foal - put him / her out at grass for now. It might be the thing she needs to get herself back together again in the future. It will give you some thinking time - and if she doesn;t want him in 6 months, sell him then.

Good luck - I really hope you can get this all sorted out.

 

[Sussexbythesea]

It's not surprising she has has no respect for you or her responsibilities - last time she went off without a second thought about her family you rewarded her by buying her a foal. It sounds as though she has been spoilt howver well meant and hasn't learnt the value of anything - it's a bit hard to teach this at 18 as she can do as she wishes.

I would sell the foal to a good home and then let your daughter live with any consequences - so what if she regrets it - maybe she will learn something valuable from that.

 

[brighteyes]

There are definately issues wth her behaviour that need adressing - and you do need to be firm / not be a walk over, but you are her mum, and it sounds to me like there are other things going on. Changing the locks could just drive her even further (actually and emotionally) into even more trouble. I'm not a mum, but am a secondary school teacher of 15 years, and in my experience when something like this happens, there is always something behind it - and often young people just need someone on their side to help them even when they are being awful. She could be in trouble in some way, and even if not, she is heading that way. Taking the 'hard line' might not be the way to help her. I've known some appaling kids who turn out good in the end, because despite everything they had someone who never gave up on them.

It could be that she is just totally taking advantage of you and being horrid, but it could also be that she has got herself in trouble in some way / done something stupid / got mixed up in something that she doesn't know what to do to get out of.

You do need to set boundaries and tackle her on what she is doing, but strike a balance between actually getting her to listen and driving her away. (Easier said than done I know - but despite everyone saying 18 is old enough, I teach 18 year olds, and many are still very young and vulnerable and need someone to help them sort out the mess they are making of things!)

If you can't cope with her (and I really don't blame you if not - she is being pretty awful and unconsiderate) is there someone else in your family who could talk to her about what she is doing, or a friends mum? If you really feel she can't stay at home with you (and again I could totally understand that) could you help find her a safe alternative.

As for the foal - put him / her out at grass for now. It might be the thing she needs to get herself back together again in the future. It will give you some thinking time - and if she doesn;t want him in 6 months, sell him then.

Good luck - I really hope you can get this all sorted out.

Better reply than mine. I should maybe add that my daughter is currently back on track and behaving reasonably, but my guard isn't down, not even a little bit, and I haven't apologised for the tough stance I have taken either. I am not sure about what 'other things' are supposed to be going on to cause this disrespect in the first place and it frankly bothers me that the blame is being laid at the parent's door? Why might it not be a case of downright stupidity, ignorance and selfish disrespect on the part of the teen? If you must, chuck in a few hormones, alcohol and peer-pressure. More than enough of a heady cocktail to impair judgement and before you know it you are in with a bad crowd who seem so much cooler than 'mum and dad carpet slippers' at home. Humble pie tastes awful.

 

[brighteyes]

It's not surprising she has has no respect for you or her responsibilities - last time she went off without a second thought about her family you rewarded her by buying her a foal. It sounds as though she has been spoilt howver well meant and hasn't learnt the value of anything - it's a bit hard to teach this at 18 as she can do as she wishes.

I would sell the foal to a good home and then let your daughter live with any consequences - so what if she regrets it - maybe she will learn something valuable from that.

navaho wrote...

this was last September on her 18th birthday.
Since then she seemed to have sorted herself out, starting going to college & hanging out with her original friends,then, in November we decided if she wanted, that she could buy a foal, so she ended up with a very smart section D colt, which she was chuffed to bits with & had great plans for...

I don't get how you think this is rewarding bad behaviour - the foal wasn't promised if she behaved. It might possibly have been a tad hasty purchase, but we can't judge that.

 

[Spring Feather]

Navaho, my daughter did almost the same as yours at about the same age. She moved in with a boyfriend and said she didn't want the horse anymore. I helped her move and I sold the horse. When it all went pear shaped I told her I would help her find accommodation but much as I loved her she could no longer live in our house. I told her she could visit any time she wanted but not reside here any longer. She understood (much to my surprise!) and moved into a shared house. I bought her a lot of furniture for her house and a cellphone so that I/she could always keep in touch. She moved a few times, sometimes she was given notice, sometimes she just moved. Each and every time I helped her move and bought food/furniture for the house. Sometimes I paid for deposits on houses as she rarely had enough money to pay the deposits and as I would not allow her to live in our house I felt this was a compromise as I would never see her out on the streets.

She's now almost 30 years old and has been happily married for the past 6 years. We've kept a good relationship going and she has thanked me for not turning my back on her when the going got tough.

The advice I'd give you would be to never close the door to her as both you and her could well regret it however that doesn't mean you have to be her doormat either. Consider your options, figure out what is realistic and stick to these plans and good luck.

 

[cobiau]

Navaho I really feel for you it seems you are in an almost impossible situation, i can see where people are coming from with the 'sell him, it'll bring her back to earth' replies but having said that, as a mother myself (20yrs & 8yrs) i can understand also that this is nowhere near a position you want to be in with your own flesh & blood, the whole situation must be heartbreaking and exhausting for you. It is every mothers worst nightmare to be at war with their children, and i agree that she is being/has been totally disrespectful to you. However unfortunately a lot of 18yr olds go through the 'i'm a grown up now and can run my own life' stage to different degrees.

I think you do need to call her bluff re the foal, possibly put him out on loan but i dont think i would sell him, because when she comes to her senses again, which hopefully she will, the fact that you havent sold him SHOULD speak volumes to her. i fear that if you do sell him it will be something that will come between you when she comes back to her normal self.

my heart goes out to you, be strong and firm in what you decide xx

 

[ruscara]

Sell him now!!!

I had a very similar situation with my daughter and her horse - fast forward twelve years and I am still looking after him, he's 26 years old and my daughter comes to the yard very occasionally when she feels like it.

I do love the horse, but he was never for me - too sharp - and I admit I do resent the time and money I am spending now. There's no way I'd do anything but the best for him of course, but my advice to you is to think ahead and decide whether you want to be your horse's carer for the next twenty or so years!

You have my heartfelt sympathy, by the way, for the stress and heartache I know you are feeling. I well know the anguish of sleepless nights wondering where the hell she is ............
I hope your daughter comes good in the end.

 

[hannahmurphy]

Given how much you change through teens into twenties anyway & that she's clearly not yet mature enough for such a responsibility and commitment to a horse, I'd say sell him. It's not fair on you or the foal for her to come and go as she pleases. I can understand her getting sucked into the idea of new boyfriends etc, you just do when you're younger. Soon learn some hard lessons by doing that though!!!

Sounds to me like she will miss him when he's suddenly gone, but she will learn a valuable lesson here and if she is honestly interested in having a horse she will make it happen for herself and that way she will treasure it like she's supposed to!

I'm glad that I've had to do the horse thing all on my own. And I was a total nightmare growing up so I can say all this

 

[mystiandsunny]

I would sell the foal, and if you give her an allowance, stop it while she's out of the house. Fairest rules are that you'll let her stay, feed and clothe her while she's staying at home and following the 'phone call' rules - so you never turn her away, but if she's not at home, she's choosing to support herself. Then she knows you're only a phone call away if she needs you, but that if she chooses to p*** off, then she chooses to leave that support behind in your house.

 

[Dexter]

If you dont want to sell him, but make her think you have, I can take him. Minimal cost, turned out on 13 acres with 4 other youngsters. Only problem is I'm in the North East. But the offer is there if you need it. I went through a very mild rebellion, but my sister took my family to hell and back! Including smoking crack to loose weight!!! Shes now a model member of society and is sole carer for 2 barmy grandparents and a fab mother to her daughte. Shes now a much better person than I could ever hope to be, but I still remember the horror of it all!

 

[Kallibear]

It sounds to me she wants to come and go as she pleases like a "proper grown-up" without any of the responsibility that comes with being an adult. I'm 22, and still live with my parents, and I would NEVER even dream of treating them with such disrespect; I still let my mum know where I'm going if I go out, and when I'll be in - yes, I am an adult and I am allowed to do as I want, but I know fine well she'll worry if she doesn't know where I am. That sounds a bit harsh, but it's how I was brought up

Ditto this: she's wanting the best of both worlds, probably simply because she can. She needs to be made to choose what she wants: either to be treated like an independant adult (which means getting a proper job, somewhere else to live etc) and therefore not having to 'check in' and can do what she wants OR she needs to accept your rules and live by them (and get the benifitis that come with it: accomidation, horse paid for her etc). She cannot do both and needs to be made to understand that.

I would sell the foal, and if you give her an allowance, stop it while she's out of the house. Fairest rules are that you'll let her stay, feed and clothe her while she's staying at home and following the 'phone call' rules - so you never turn her away, but if she's not at home, she's choosing to support herself. Then she knows you're only a phone call away if she needs you, but that if she chooses to p*** off, then she chooses to leave that support behind in your house.

Sounds like a good plan


Are you financing the horse? If it's her horse and she's paying for it then she can sell it or keep it as she decides. But if you're paying for it, and she won't live by your rules, then it needs to go.

And for the foals sake, as someone else said, if she can't control and sort her own life out, she's not in a position to care for a horse.

 

[YorksG]

With regard to telling you if she will be home or not, my sister and I, both somewhat older than your daughter share a house, we will let the other know if we will not be home, and where we are going, as neither of us fancy being on a remote road in a smashed up car, with no-one knowing where we are! When foster daughter lived here she lived by the same rules. With regard to the violence, again foster daughter could loose the plot (she did have the excuse of a horrific childhood prior to living with us) she was mortified after any such event. I am shocked that your daughter continues to behave in this way and would be very worried about her, but would also insist that she lives elswhere if she is unsafe to be with (which she obviously is). Remember if she did this to anyone but a member of the family she would be arrested for assault.