Daughter doesnt want her horse anymore!

I think I might be going to go against the grain here a bit (although getting drunk enough to hit you is unacceptable) but personally I would do a few things.

1) put the foal on grass livery and restrict access to her until she has shown improvement in behaviour.

2) Really talk to her, maybe even have a shouting match (sometimes it's the only thing that works and I'm the daughter in our family)

3) Maybe talk to a doctor, I may be on the wrong lines but it sounds as though she isn't using you to take care of her and then disappearing it sounds almost like two different moods. One that is the daughter you know and love and one who is all over the place emotionally.

I don't know if I'm right and I know some teenagers are a pain in the *** but she seems to almost be seesawing back and forth.

Personally I really wouldn't sell the foal, the desicion was made in the heat of an argument where you were effectively kicking her out (or at least I expect that was the only option she felt she had) and that is a really bad time to decide anything permanent.

I hope she settles soon. Maybe let her live independently for a bit with a set allowance and that is it (unless she has a job) and see how it goes but either way talk, if necessary involve counsellors but talk.

Good luck. :)
 
You sound very nice and i dont know how your patience has lasted this long! she is acting like a child- a spoiled one at that. I would agree with the other posters, if you can afford/manage to it would be a good idea to move him somewhere and tell her he is gone then when she cmes to her senses she will be really happy you kept him (hopefully) if you cant keep him dont. Tell her straight that you cannot look after him. Having pets takes responsibility and she cleary is showing none. If you need to sell, DO NOT feel bad. She is an extremely lucky young woman and is taking advantage of you and the situation. Believe me, there are many who would love to be in her position and her behaviour makes me think that she doesnt deserve it at all.
 
horserider said:
Get tough and stop allowing her a safety net which allows her behave so badly towards you.
Sell the foal, change the locks, stop financial assistance. She wants the freedom to live her life? Then let her and let her realise that being an adult means responisiblity.
You can't run yourself into the ground because of her immaturity. I'm sure she is a lovely girl really, but she needs to be allowed to know the consequences for irresponsibilty. Go for Tough Love, being soft isn't working.
Click to expand...

stroppy said:
DO NOT DO THIS!! unless you never want any contact with her ever again, I was older than your daughter when my mother attempted to do this, I didn't see or speak to her for 7 years after and can barely tolerate each other now.
Click to expand...

I had 6 children, three girls and three boys, one daughter left home and lived with a drug taking boyfriend. She had a horse and a place at uni to train as a doctor. She stopped looking after her horse and gave up her uni place to work as a care assistant. Her brothers and sisters saw her out so drunk that she had to be carried home. I converted a bathroom to a lovely bedroom for her, kept her horse, talked to her, gave her advice that she asked for and watched her return to this yob time after time. her siblings were so fed up with her because of her behaviour. She became anorexic, her hair fell out, she was anxious and depressed, you name it, she went through it.
I never got angry with her but kept talking and she knew what I said made sense but she just couldn't break out of the pattern of behaviour.
After telling her I was selling her horse because it was a daily responsibility that she was not meeting and told her that she was welcome to visit us at home, but as she had chosen to leave, I was not allowing her to come back to live as it was affecting the whole family.
Six months later she left the drug addict boyfriend and moved in with her sister. We kept contact all the time, she knew I loved her but I didn't love her behaviour. Once the relationship was finished, she got back on track. I helped her move into a flat and she did more exams part time at college while working to support her self.
She met a lovely lad, they got a house, renovated it and worked hard. She is now 24, at university and they have an wonderful 18 month old daughter.She is very happy and we're very close.
Through the bad times, she knew she was out of control and she knew that my boundaries were not made out of anger but because I wouldn't condone her self destruction.
 
Sell him to someone that will give him the time and effort that she obviously doesn't want to give or have the responsibility anymore.
 
Gosh Horserider I admire you. Can you give me some parenting lessons :)

I have 4 sons and after a turbulent relationship as a teeneager with my Mum I know how heated things can get and what is most important is to keep your cool but that is easier said than done.

OP good luck - I have no advice but do what feels right re JJ. If you have a friend who can offer him grass livery whilst you have a think and maybe a chat to your daughter about things then that does seem a good idea.

Similarly if you decided to sell him I am sure you will find him a great home and your daughter may well see her actions and words have consequences.

Take care and kindest regards, Amanda
 
I cant answer everyone individually as id be here all day, but i really really appreciate each & every one of you that took the time to reply to my post, especially those who have gone through similar things, whether you were the mum or the daughter.
Ive sent my daughter a message via facebook to say that ill always be here for her, but im not going to chase her anymore, i do love her but she is tearing me apart with her actions, but if she does needs me she knows where i am. She did reply & said that she doesnt mean to be a d1ck all the time (her words not mine) & she didnt know why she does it & she does care about me & love me.
So that is how i have left it, as for JJ, if the right home comes along he will go, im not going to rush out sell him to the first person that comes along though. We bought him from the sales to give him a better future & i fully intend to give him every chance of that.

A couple of individual things that were mention by people, why did we buy her a foal & not something broken & riding...because that is what she wanted. Did i buy him as a bribe, no, he was bought because she seemed to have sorted herself out, she had mentioned several times wanting another horse & i thought she was ready for the commitment, we lent her the money to buy him (& yes she did pay me back) & she had to pay a token amount towards his keep. Someone else mentioned that they felt there more to all this than just boys/drink, well she did say to me that there is stuff going on in her life that i dont understand (why do teenagers always think we wont understand? I wasnt born at 37, i was a teenager once). I hope that one day she will sort herself out, all i can do is keep my fingers crossed & be here if she needs me.

Ive just edited this to say thank you to the kind person who offered to take JJ on grass livery...i cant remember your user name, but its an appreciated offer, sadly you are miles away so not one i can take up.
 
Navaho, I think you've done exactly the right thing, she has to learn that her actions and behaviour won't be accepted anymore but that you are there for her and still love her. I don't think that there is really anything else that you can do other than be a support (not doormat!) when she needs you to be.

I am sure that in time she will be that loving daughter once again, and you can't put an old head on young shoulders, so it seems as if this is a lesson she will have to learn, and hopefully be more appreciative of you as she realises that what she has been so flippant with is so precious.

Wishing you all the best. x
 
Sell the foal, doesn't sound like she deserves a Horse TBH. Foal deserves a lot more!!

If she can't even look after herself then she can't take responsibility for a living creature.

A Horse needs constant care and is a huge responsibility, she can't just come and go as and when she feels like! and I wouldnt be getting her another Horse to replace this one either.
 
i think you've done the right thing by messaging her and letting her know you are still there for her.

although my step daughter was younger than your daughter she showed a massive amount of commitment towards my horses for a couple of years, i decided the time was right to get her one for herself and she just messed me around. i gave her the ultimatum of bucking up her ideas or the horse goes, her answer was that she didn't want the respponsibilities but loved the horse, i got rid of the horse.

your daughter is 18yrs old and although legally an adult she is acting like a child, she either has to stand on her own 2 feet in every aspect OR she has to accept and follow your rules.
if she wants the foal then she has to look after it if she can't look after it then it's only fair to let the foal go elsewhere unless you want to keep it for yourself, if that's the case then maybe buy it off her for a bit less than what she paid.

i'm sure in a couple of years time she will wonder what the heck she was doing with her life but as i said that will most likely be a couple of years down the line. i'm sure you will make the right decision for the foal and yourself.
 
I would sell him, I was a bit wild at 18 I had a horse on loan and thought it was not fair on him as I was out all time not spending enough time with him so I gave him back, I never rode again until I was 25 but I needed those years to go wild and not worry about having to care for him, sounds like she needs to do the same, although she should tell you if she is staying out all night you must be worried out of mind, tell her straight if she lives with you these are the rules, as others have said a quick text is all it takes.
 
LaurenBay said:
Sell the foal, doesn't sound like she deserves a Horse TBH. Foal deserves a lot more!!

If she can't even look after herself then she can't take responsibility for a living creature.

A Horse needs constant care and is a huge responsibility, she can't just come and go as and when she feels like! and I wouldnt be getting her another Horse to replace this one either.
Click to expand...

i agree

spoiled brat springs to mind. Not saying this is your fault, you are doing your best
 
Sorry if this sounds harsh but it sounds like she is being a bit of a brat.

I wouldnt dream of running off and not telling my mum where I was going and I certaintly wouldnt treat her like a "doormat" as you've put it.

Good luck in whatever you decide!
 
my mum always said "keep communication channels open" when we were being difficult teenagers I think that means don't rise to the bait... but I don't know how to temper that with not being a "door mat!"

My instructor (who has LIVED I can tell you! 60s and 70s in Holland as a fashion designer...) brought her daughter up on her own and she always said your relationship with your daughter changes. She said mothers need to realise when they should become a friend a not a mother.

It's just a stage! Wait until the spring and take the colt out to some in hand shows. That way his vale increases and it could give you some quality time to get to know each other again. Besides, there's nothing like a project to act as a good distraction for a broken heart when the soldier boy goes on tour...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top