Daughter & pony dilemma

[Meowy Catkin]

Please let us know how everything goes and what you decide re Beau and Saffy.

I'm so glad that there's a group in your area.

 

[Mare Stare]

Bless you, men have the sensible head , and we have to jiggle both

Can you find away to afford both ? If not,

Men are a pain in the bum but if it wasn't for hubby I'd probably be keeping ponies in my garden shed.

The problem is not so much money but grazing and time. I live in a very rural part of the country but you'd be surprised how scarce grazing is around here. There's also no livery yards in the area. And now I can't drive (not allowed to since I had a grand mal seizure - still being tested to see what caused it) I have to rely on hubby or my mum to take me to do the horses.

 

[Mare Stare]

And another thought how little is beau and how big is your daughter? I only ask as is she to big to ride him from a looks point of view or is she actually to heavy for him?

I am 20 now and I still ride a little section A for people and I have pictures I can send you of the little fella if you want to see how big I am on him.

She's about 5 footish but quite heavy - she's not fat she's just got legs made of concrete! She's deceptively heavy for her size. I can't remember how much she weighs off the top of my head but I was reading another thread on how much section A's can carry and she was already over the recommended weight.

 

[dafthoss]

I'll PM you the photos he's not mine so I'm not sure if the owner wants them published.

 

[JFTDWS]

difficult situation, I don't envy your decision there

 

[Ladydragon]

She's happy not riding. But I kinda wanted to get her into Pony Club and get her mixing with other kids that she had things in common with. Her only interest in life is horses and, in particular, Beau.

I think that statement Scrunchie outlines your primary concern - and 'need' to try and keep her riding... You're totally between a rock and a hard place though...

Can she ride Saffy at the moment? If not, I think I'd probably find her a good home and loan a suitable horse for her to ride now... At the same time I'd probably find every excuse in the book to find a way to keep Beau accessible - and 15m might be too far to get to regularly with normal family stuff going on...

She's young and for whatever reason, right now, she kinda needs that little fella to fill a space where you see potential for other children/friends... I'm not known for just giving into kids and their preferences but if he really is all she's got - she needs that bond... If she can have one to ride now that will broaden her horizons a little bit and (hopefully) gain affection for - that can only be a good thing too... You could also arbitrate on the compromise - she wants to keep Beau, you want her to ride and join the PC so she'll need to up her game a little and care for both and you're making an undertaking together...

IF it is at ALL possible, I'd probably go the hell or high water route of trying to find some way of holding on to Beau... For as long as she needs him for comfort / stability / underpin her confidence... If it's not at all possible, I'd probably hang onto Beau and try and widen her circle of acquaintances through other means and let her take the consequence of her decision (not riding) until or if she feels ready to change her mind...

Good luck...and I certainly don't envy you...

 

[jeeve]

It's a really difficult situation. Could you loan him to your friend rather than sell him? Is he good enough (behaviour wise) for your daughter to show in-hand?

I agree that if your daughter knows it is a loan, and should your situation change he may be able to come back, and that she can still see him, she may cope better with it all. Esp. if she could do the odd in hand thing with him. This does not sound like it would impact on your friend to much and may be a reasonable compromise.

 

[AngieandBen]

Don't envy you one bit, and I did vote for keeping Saffy and selling Beau. I'm sure your daughter will get over it........

BUt then I realised I still have my daughters pony from when she was 11 neither of us can bare to part with him, he has been such a fantastic part of our life. He is 12.3hh though and chunky so I can ride him My daughter is 23 this year, she would still be devistated if he went!

So no help whatoever, all I do know is Turbo has helped my daughter get through some tough times, she hasn't ridden him for years now, but he's not bothered, he's still loved.

 

[ponypilotmum]

What about keeping Beau, doing in hand etc with him and her going to a riding school which has a pony club in it? that was she'll be able to mix with others with the same interest, AND keep her pony.

 

[tinap]

Agree with lucky lady! A lit of riding schools are pony club centres where you use their ponies. It's a great way to meet friends & she would also mix with other doing the in hand showing at a club.

I know what you are going through, my own daughter was extremely shy & clingy after an accident aged 4 & we got her Into horses to help her recuperate. When she was 7 her section a died & she was heartbroken. We got her another pony & she began to compete sj. We had to sit her down & tell her that to keep progressing one pony has to go before she got another or she could just stop competing when she outgrew. She made the decision to sell them when the time came.

She's 16 now & has just decided herself to sell her pony to move onto horses. She is heartbroken again but knows she needs to move on. I've always believed even from being little she must decide for herself.

Hope you work things out xxxx

 

[Tinypony]

Going slightly against the grain, I think Beau is maybe earning his keep by being your daughter's pony. If she's not bothered about the riding then maybe let her make the choice. Later on maybe things will change and he can go out on loan, but at the moment, she wants to keep him and is capable of understanding the consquences of doing that.
Going to pony club isn't the only way to help her to become more sociable, and if that is going to work it would have to be something she actively wanted to do.

 

[Skippys Mum]

If you have to get rid of him make it a loan - its not so final then and if she doesnt get over it you can bring him back.

Honestly though, I would sooner have my pal than be riding - horses are not all about the riding for a lot of people.

I also dont think I would get over having the decision made for me. Its pretty brutal. Imagine having your dog taken off you and sold because someone else decided it was no longer suitable for you

 

[Sandstone1]

Let you daughter make the choice. If she wants to ride then the pony will have to go to get something bigger. If shes not worried about riding let her keep him. Dont let what you want for her ie pony club etc get in the way. You dont want to end up as typical pony club mother pushing her daughter in to doing what she wanted as a child.

 

[Mare Stare]

Ooh. I am not popular this morning.

I've upset hubby and my friend by saying that Beau is staying. My daughter, on the other hand, thinks I'm fantastic.

I've got until the 25th March left on the grazing. Hopefully, something will come up in the meantime.

 

[rockysmum]

Thats brilliant news, glad your daughter is happy


Just had a thought about your grazing, 12 years ago I had some council grazing, they refused to renew one year as they intended to build.

I left as I didn't really need it, the person on the other half didn't. They negotiated a different contract which meant they would come off at a months notice rather than the yearly agreement.

I noticed when driving past the other day that building as only just started so she got an 11 year reprieve I assume.

 

[Mare Stare]

Thats brilliant news, glad your daughter is happy


Just had a thought about your grazing, 12 years ago I had some council grazing, they refused to renew one year as they intended to build.

I left as I didn't really need it, the person on the other half didn't. They negotiated a different contract which meant they would come off at a months notice rather than the yearly agreement.

I noticed when driving past the other day that building as only just started so she got an 11 year reprieve I assume.

Ooooh! That might be worth looking into.

I'll give them a ring tomorrow. Thankyou!

 

[jendie]

Yes life is tough and your daughter will have to get used to the knocks....but is it absolutely essential for her to have this heartbreak now? Could you possibly keep the horse at home and keep three instead of two? You could always stable for part of the day and give extra hay..would that be possible.

Your daughter is young and it sounds as though this particular pony makes a huge difference to her quality of life. One day it will die and her heart will be broken, but hopefully that won't be today or tomorrow and , hopefully, when that time comes she will be emotionally stronger and more able to take the knock. just now she sounds a tad vulnerable and I'd be inclined to move mountains to keep a pony who is providing her with a crutch.

 

[rockysmum]

Ooooh! That might be worth looking into.

I'll give them a ring tomorrow. Thankyou!

Perhaps it might be worth preparing the ground first.

A nice email stating you have other land so moving would not be a problem. Mentioned the fact that you are maintaining the ground and empty it would cost them to keep ragwort down etc. You could also add a few links to the fly grazing articles and suggest that you keeping it will prevent those sorts of problems. Offer to take a grazing licence a couple of months at a time etc etc.

Then ring them.

 

[dunkley]

Your daughter will recover. I learned at an early age the true meaning of loss.when my beloved Ebony died at ponyclub camp from colic. The pony is alive and well and your daughter will get over it. Try to soften the blow ,visits may be a good idea (maybe not)It is an awfull situation to be in. When I lost my pony ,oh so many years ago, an inspector from the met police mounted branch (helping at pc camp)gave me some advice that has stood me well.Horses break your heart,but you have to understand this.

never been one for growing up myself ,and its a bit late at my agebut you cannot have a life/career with horses without facing the hell of loosing them. It hurts so bad whether you are 6 or 60 .

Mike does speak a lot of sense. Sadly, a pony's lot is to be moved on throughout it's life. There will always be another child to love it, and children generally do get over the heartache.
I would have been inclined to tell your daughter Beau was on loan to your friend initially, so it didn't seem so final, Then find something on loan for daughter to ride, so she understands the mechanics of it. ie someone loves their pony, wants it to have a job, but for whatever reason cannot keep it themselves and likes/trusts your daughter enough to give her the 'responsibility'. You could also involve your daughter in developing Saffy, and that is another 'responsibilty' for her to boost her confidence. Once daughter has settled in to Beau not being there all the time, and her new routine, the grief will ease. As adults, most of us have gone through loss, whether bereavement or other, and we know, as adults, the pain lessens and we move on. It is a lesson we learned, and as children we would never have been able to see past the immediate hurt. It is a hard lesson to learn - we all have to do it, and your daughter is lucky that she has a mother who wants to try and make the lesson slightly less painful.

 

[Milanesa]

Hey scrunchie, I am pleased you are keeping the pony.

FWIW I was around 12 when a little 12.2h pony came along that I was allowed to ride. I strayed caring and looking after said pony, but my dad didn't want to buy one for me. Like your daughter that pony was my life. One day pony was sold without me knowing and I WAS DEVASTATED!! Another bigger pony was found but nothing was the same. Luckily pony bucked off new owners kids and came back- that was that! Dad had to buy her for me and now I am nearly 30 I still have that pony and she means the world to me. I would have never have forgotten her had she not returned to me through fate, thank god she did. P.s I still ride said pony all the time!

What I am trying to say is even though she is young she loves that pony and she deserves to stay with him. You will find a way to keep him xxxx

 

[MrsMozartletoe]

As we have an ever expanding herd of wonky/old/outgrown neds and a pack of unwanted dogs, I'm hardly one to speak as I may be a tad biased, but as others have said, whilst life's lessons are to be learnt, there's a time and a place for all of them.

If your friend is any sort of friend she will understand that your daughter comes first. Maybe offer to help her look for another pony?

Hubby will understand. They tend to need some letting of steam. You haven't done it to annoy or upset him, you've done it for the sake of your daughter. He will see that (might take a few days and a couple of shows!).

 

[MrsMozartletoe]

Have a hug hunny. It can be flipping hard being a parent, being a wife, being both!

 

[Jesstickle]

I'm not a mum so can only give this from my own childhood memories but..

I cried buckets over every single pony my mother made me sell. And that was any that I outgrew so was a few. And she made me sell both my horses when I went to uni too and I cried and stropped over that as well. I was 18 at the time . however, I quickly forgot them once they were gone and I had a new pony to ride/new things to think about. I think it's entirely normal for children to cry when a pony has to be sold. I also think it is part of horse ownership which has to be dealt with. I was also a shy and introverted child (believe it or not!) and it didn't traumatise me beyond a couple of weeks.

Obviously you know your daughter best but I see the exact same thing with the twins on my yard. Since I have known them they have outgrown three sets of ponies and they have been replaced. Every time they weep and wail and say they don't want to outgrow them/don't want them sold and within a month the new pony that replaces them is the best pony in the whole world and the old one is forgotten!

 

[Clodagh]

I think Beau is earning his keep by being a friend. I had to have my sons pony PTS as she went off her feet, she was very old, he never got over it and would never ride the lovely new pony I had for him. He still hasn't ridden now, 2 years later.
Best of luck with the future!

 

[SuseP]

So glad you're considering keeping Beau. Sounds like your daughter feels a great sense of responsibility for him and that should be rewarded not penalised. Let her keep her best friend.

 

[Super_Kat]

Let her choose. At least then she can decide what she wants and you won't be the evil parent that sold her pony. Really don't envy you but as others have said, she sounds like she needs Beau in her life xx

 

[Mare Stare]

Have a hug hunny. It can be flipping hard being a parent, being a wife, being both!

Thankyou! Did I mention that I am 7 months pregnant too!!!

So glad you're considering keeping Beau. Sounds like your daughter feels a great sense of responsibility for him and that should be rewarded not penalised. Let her keep her best friend.

Let her choose. At least then she can decide what she wants and you won't be the evil parent that sold her pony. Really don't envy you but as others have said, she sounds like she needs Beau in her life xx

It does look like he's staying. My friend says she'll buy Saffy if I can't find any other grazing and end up having to sell one. The problem is that I like Saffy - she's such a sweety and we've had her since she was 1 month old (came as a foal at foot with Doris). But instead of her I'll have to put up with The Grump known as Beau. Grr!

Ha! And my farrier is soo not going to be impressed! He hates Beau! He thinks he's the spawn of Satan.

 

[jrp204]

Personally i would sell the youngster and put Beau out on loan. Keeping Saffy as your daughters next pony may not work as your daughter may resent the fact you sold her pony and not Saffy. Having Beau out on loan would still give you control and your daughter will still see her as 'her pony'. Get something completely different on loan if you can.

 

[Magicmillbrook]

Personally i would sell the youngster and put Beau out on loan. Keeping Saffy as your daughters next pony may not work as your daughter may resent the fact you sold her pony and not Saffy. Having Beau out on loan would still give you control and your daughter will still see her as 'her pony'. Get something completely different on loan if you can.

I agree with this/ I thought I was a softie, but reading some of the other posts I guess I must be a bit hard faced. My daughter has had to understand that her ponies have had to move on and has been devastated for a while, but got over it. Life is tough, horses are exspensive, its a lesson to be learnt, however if beau was on loan she could still see him from time to time. I think she is old enough for you to sit down and tell her whats what, explain the situation and why you are making the descisions you are.

I think that you are thinking what your daughter and hubby want and forgetting another very important person- YOU, esp as you are pregnant. I am 29 weeks my self and am trying to think about me a bit more.

 

[palomino_pony]

I cried buckets when we decided to sell my first pony. He was outgrown , unsuitable, dangerous and a complete nutter and only 5. I loved him to bits and he was my best friend. Then my aunt sold me her home bred 14.2hh who was amazing to ride, not so loving in stable. I have the best times of my life on my Holly pony. We still have herr and she is 26 this year. It was the best decision to sell the first pony even though it hurt a lot. It helped that I had Holly while the first pony was advertised and sold though. Could you keep Beau til you find a new on then let your friend have him?