Dealing with a bully.

J

jemmeg

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I have a very good hearted little friend who is been bullied by her YO daughter. Its very personal attacks on her riding ability, the fact she is small and round and should loose weight, that she dosent ride as much as she should. I could go on but you get the general idea. I have offered to let her bring her horse to me but its not practical as I am too far away, plus the yard she is at is perfect but for this problem. The YO herself is not going to help as she herself gets intermadated by her own daughter who by the way is a woman in her late 30's. I myself have not been on a livery yard so feel I can not give much advice. However you guys have lots of experiance on livery yards so what can you suggest what is the best way of dealing with this problem ? If all else fails she would have to move, but it would mean moving nearly 25 miles from where she lives her present yard is within walking distance and there are no other yards any nearer.
 
id just move as i have confrontation and bad atmospheres. the distance will be worth it as the girl will be much happier
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Personally i'd ask the lady if she'd mind having a chat...away from everybody else...

Then explain that although her comments may be to encourage her to ride it is making her feel bad and not want to ride. She appreciates her intervention but would prefer to be left to her own devices without any nasty comments!!

If she is doing it nastily then i would also tell her that her comments are unjust and considered a personal attack, which is by no means helpful and not the way anyone should be treated...she should keep her opinions to herself and allow CUSTOMERS to do what they want!!!

And then go GRRR
 
Agree but in these circumstances I wouldn't show any vulnerability.

Something along the lines of 'thanks for your input and if I need any more advice I will ask for it but otherwise I come to the yard for some peace and quiet and would rather not be bothered' might be a starting point.

If she persists you friend can continue with the 'I've asked you not to bother me' line until the penny drops or until another yard is found
 
Not sure that the friend will be able to do this. One of the key things about bullying is that the bully targets someone who is vulnerable.

If the friend was able to have this type of converation with the YO daughter, then she would have told her where to shove her advice when it was first offered.

I would move yards. She has a hobby that costs a lot of money, and is entitled to enjoy it without some interfering busybody telling her what to do.

I would also move the horse to the OP yard - even as a temporary measure - until a yard closer can be found.
 
I would have a gentle chat with the yard bully and say how it is affecting the enjoyment of the girl and working against her confidence. Tell her that praise on what she is doing and how she is enjoying her horse are whats needed, rather than chipping away at her.

What this person has to be made to understand that the girl is wanting to enjoy her horse and riding and being on the yard and with her chipping away it is just causing upset. The girl is clearly paying to be there and wants to have a horse which is the most important thing.

Maybe the bully does not realise the adverse effect she is having and would rectify her ways to help the girl rather than bully her. I am sure with careful wording you could help to settle things and in time hopefully the situation will become better.

I dont think having arguements and causing upset would help in this instance.
 
If this has only been going on for a short period of time, I would suggest to your friend to stick it out. Although if it has been going on for a long time I would feel happier just moving, as this sort of behaviour could be really damaging to your friend's confidence and ultimately stop her from riding.

Also keep giving encouraging comments to your friend to boost her confidence.

I was bullied in the early years at school and found that when I started to ignore it and act as if I didn't care (as much as I did) they stopped altogether.

Is there someone impartial at the yard who could step in and say something?

Best of luck.
 
perhaps try talking to the YO as a first step. if she intimates that she is considering moving yards because of this prob, the YO may step in - even if only to not lose her custom.
 
Some times with bullies the best way to approach it, as obviously confrontation isn't going to happen otherwise she wouldn't be bullied in the first place, is to make friends with the said bully and turn their negativity into something more positive.

How about your friend, when receiving this bullying advice was to turn round and ask the YO daughter, "how would you go about it, can you help me achieve it", then the bully may change her tone and be more constructive. Maybe the bully is quite genuine in her desire to give advice but doesn't realise that it's her delivery that is offensive, and if your friend was to say things like "sorry I just don't understand, can you explain again" the bully might again change her approach.

It may be your friend could do with some help to help her achieve even more happiness from her horse and make a new friend along the way...
 
Personally I think your friend needs to stand up for herself. She should not accept this sort of behaviour and if it was me I would tell YO's daughter to please stop making any comments.

We all meet these sorts of people and at some point in life, we have to look after Number 1. It is never pleasant standing up to someone like this, but it is imperative that she does I believe, otherwise it will continue to get worse for her.

Bullies absolutely hate being told off - and generally a good dose of embarrassing them in front of others (particularly if done in a quiet and calm manner) seems to remedy the problem. Bullies generally are just that because they have followers who look up to them, once they are taken down a peg or two, or humoured, they tend to lose face.
 
Amymay you are correct she is picked on because this coward is able to see she is of a quite shy nature. Some of the other livery folk are really nice and have stepped in to help on more than one occasion, however been the coward she is she waits until my friend is alone before she starts her abuse. I only whish I was there as I would dump this coward in the muck heap head first, not constructive I know but its how I would deal with her. After a phone call this morning I have offered to go fetch her horse to me, I can do the morning shift and I know its a lot further away but at least she can enjoy her horse and have no pressure. I just feel a little anoyed that this bully has won out at the end of the day. Lets hope that the saying what goes round comes round and she does end up in the muck heap its were folk like her deserve to be.
 
Okay, so the situation has moved on. One big piece of advice would be to tell the YO exactly why she is moving her horse. I am always a "don't burn any bridges when leaving a yard" person, but in this instance I believe the right thing to do is to make the YO aware.

Very often when loss of money comes into the equation, people see things differently.
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I hope your friend makes it crystal clear to the YO why she is taking her custom elsewhere. Good Luck to you both.
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The suggestion that your friend (quaking in her boots she may be) stands up to this person in public and says "Look, back off. It's my horse etc" is one I would agree with. I was bullied terribly at school and in the end cracked in the middle of a class and told everybody exactly what "So and So" was doing, OK, so I ruined the moment by rushing out in tears but it did have the desired effect.
 
When I arrive to pick up her horse I wil have great pleasure in telling the YO why she is leaving. The YO has been fully aware of what has been going on and has not had the bottle to stand up to her own daughter which I think is very sad. I think with 30 other liverys she wont miss Jo's income and will soon be able to fill the place how ever I never wish ill on anyone but I really hope Jo's replacement is the livery owner from hell (ohh did I say that out loud.)
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Anyway the good news is Jo feels a lot better about things as it had got to the point of her wanting to give up her horse. I am off to pick up her horse at the weekend and he will add to my happy band looks like I have another to look after but thats what friends are for something this bully will never understand. Thanks for all your constructive comments you have been a big help, Jo is not an HHO users but had been reading the posts, as a guest and now she has seen how supportive you all may well join the happy crew.
 
The poor girl is prob a really good rider with a fab horse which is why shes getting bullied, jealousy! the fact that the bully is in her 30s is really sad and pathetic. good luck to the bullied!!
 
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