Dealing with grief after horse PTS.

M

Mary Poppins

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I had my boy PTS yesterday, there is another thread on why I did, he was suffering from arthritis.

Anyway, I knew last week what was going to happen and spent the last week crying my eyes out. Everybody said their goodbyes, and there were lots of tears from everybody at the yard.

However, I have hardley cried at all. I am normally so emotional, I even cry at adverts, but I am surprised by how "well" I am doing. Is this normal? When I lost my last horse 3 years ago, I was sobbing all the time for weeks after. Don't get me wrong, I could quite easily cry, and I feel like I have butterflies in my stomach, but I am not acting the way I thought I would - everything is just "normal", and I feel so guilty for not crying.

I haven't been back to the yard yet, friends are doing my other horses, so I don't know how I will be when I do go back, but don't know when that will be yet though.

Is this normal?

x
 
There is no 'normal' to be honest. we all deal with grief differently. I would say maybe this could be a bit of shock, but also a way of guarding against the feelings you dont want to have. Just be careful, because it could hit you at any time!
 
Hey MP. I read your thread before on why you were had decided to pts. Pleased all went well for you. Maybe its because you accepted what was going to happen. Its always the shock and emotion so maybe in that few days between booking and it being done you had accepted and done your crying. It doesnt mean youre not still grieving, just you have already outwardly shown it or it may be delayed by the shock. No need to feel guilty either way.

Hugs for you and may your boy rest well now
 
MP, it will come in it's own good time.

I suspect (although possibly subconsciously) you're possibly feeling an overwhelming sense of relief at the moment - the lead up to a planned euthinasia can be so stressful.

Hugs (((( ))))
 
I had my boy pts yesterday to and I cried all night after making the call. But yesterday morn. I got there. Turned him out for his last belly of grass. Did all my Work like his stable while he was out so the last thing to do. Was him, I cried while holding him and saying goodbye as he was pts But once the lorry took him away I felt tired And worn out. I havnt really cried since. Even seeing his empty stable this morning, I think some how u come to peace and relief that there no longer in pain and no more worries

Sorry it's not a lot of help
 
I have done both - when i lost Ginger - it was a planned exit - i had had time to face facts, cry, sob, blame, face facts, and cry a bit more - so when she went it was a relief.

Big lad - god i am still in shock and can cry at the very sight of a text message referring to him when he was here.

I did not love either more than the other - it was just circumstance.
 
Firstly sorry for your loss.

There is no 'normal' way to grieve and I think that it depends on the circumstances; looking at what you've written I think you went through the first stage of your grief when you made the decision to have your boy put to sleep. It sounds like that has been the most difficult part for you and I completely understand why. I haven't had to make a decision like that about a horse before but friends have, and it does seem that the most difficult part is making that decision. I remember when my dog had lymphoma and we had to make a decision the most horrible part was knowing when he was going to be put to sleep, the few days after that and saying goodbye to him that morning before going to the yard (parents went to the vet with him). Although I was terribly sad when I got home and he was no longer there, I didn't really cry much and I knew we had done the right thing for him. So it sounds like you are experiencing something similar.

Crying doesn't mean that you are grieving any differently than you would do if you weren't crying, the absence of tears doesn't mean that you are more upset; I think that there comes a point when your tears just dry up, and it sounds like yours have, for the time being anyway. Emotion is exhausting, and I think our bodies/minds have a way of stopping it for a while to enable us to recuperate. When I lost my horse it was sudden and so I cried for days afterwards, then just stopped.

Please don't judge yourself or worry about your emotions, the last thing you should be feeling is guilty. Life moves on, when I lost my horse I was in a state of shock but I still went to get my hair done that afternoon as I was starting a new teaching job the day after and I didn't want to let anyone down. I felt guilty at the time because I was taking my mind off of things, but that is just how an intense emotional time (like you are going through) can affect you.

I hope that helps, and in my opinion it is better to go back to the yard sooner rather than later; spending time with your other horses should help you to feel better.

Take care, Tx
 
Sorry for your loss x I think amymay is right - sometimes when it has been a hard decision but you know it is the right decision then there is a sense of relief.

I miss our old girl dreadfully (we had her for 16 years) but although I have cried I have not sobbed or got very distressed which I have done for my other horses. I shed odd quiet tears now and then and feel her loss but not the overwhelming grief I thought I would feel. I think this is because she was 28 and I know she had a good life with us, a wonderful retirement and the best of everything till the end. There are no unfulfilled hopes and dreams which is also part of losing a younger horse.

I am crying now!! You will cry in your own time but there is no right or wrong way x
 
When I had my old pony pts I though it would be the most horrendous experience ever as I had her 20 years. It wasn't and I didn't feel awful because I knew it was for the best for her as she wasn't going to get better. In your mind you probably feel the same as it was for the best, and you know you did the right thing for him.

If you don't have another horse to occupy you mind it may hit you as youmiss being around him.
 
Everybody deals with grief in their own way, there are no rules on how you are supposed to feel.
I haven't seen your other thread, so I don't fully know your reasons for making this hard decision, but you obviously thought things out and came to the right choice and are at ease that you did what was right for your horse.
As long as it isn't a case of closing your self down to all emotion then don't question yourself. However if you are in denial then you have to speak to someone and release the tap.
 
Hi i lost a homebred 2 year old filly a year ago,i took it really badly to say the least tomorrow her mum comes home from breeding loan tomorrow. I am worried about having her mum but pleased at the same time

its so hard to say good bye even when you know that there time has come, but you will heal just give it time i still look back at the year that has gone
 
Thankyou for all your replies, you have been so kind.

I hope that it's because I have done all my crying and accepted what was going to happen, but it's like i'm just waiting for it to hit me.

I am so sorry to hear of all your losses, I hope things aren't too bad for you now.

x
 
I haven't cried over Archie yet. He was one of the best horses I've ever ridden, but I think I was all cried out. I was absolutely heart broken, Archie was my rock, he was there when Ned got too much for me, to keep me safe and sane. But I just haven't cried.

I lost so many people and animals in a short space of time and I don't know whether it's possible to 'run out' of tears, but I was just exhausted. I don't know whether it's possible to be too upset to cry? I don't know!

Not advise, but I'm thinking of you in this tough time! *hugs* xx
 
I think when it's planned the build up is worse whereas when you're not expecting it you've got all the shock too.

I said goodbye to my old mare the other day and I feel relieved. But then I feel guilty that I feel relieved. It's not relief that she's gone though, it's relief that I got the timing right. My worry with her was that I'd find her a day too late, as they say.

There's also an element of 'if I start I won't stop', as we've got a few oldies and when we lost the old TB last year it felt like the first of the dominoes. Maybe I'm setting myself up for an almighty crash in a few years time.

The only sure thing about horses is that one day they break your heart. I don't think there's any right or wrong way for that heartbreak to manifest itself though. The world keeps turning and somehow we keep going.

Take care of yourself xxx
 
I had my old mare pts two weeks ago as her liver was packing in. It was the hardest thing i have ever done. We had been together for nearly 19 years. I collapsed into a crying heap when it happened but had to go back up the yard the following morning to do my other horse. I found it a bit too much in one way and couldn't stay up there for too long, but it was good to get it over with as the longer I left it I knew the harder it would be. Everyone was great and really supportive on the yard. I'm the same I haven't cried as much since the first couple of days and have felt really bad about this. I do feel sick when I think about it but I think this is my way of trying to bury this until I am completely ready to deal with it. I think it is the shock of it. I'm still finding it really hard as I miss her so much and I do have a lump in my throat writing this. I am terrible as I don't like showing my emotions in front of other people and tend to bottle things up.

I rode my other horse last night and I just couldn't enjoy it (this is the 2nd time I've ridden him since I lost my mare and the 1st time I did cry). I know it will get easier in time as I lost another horse before, but it is still really hard. I hope this helps as you are not on your own. I am really sorry for your loss - it is never an easy thing to do but at least they are not in any pain now xx
 
I am so sorry about your loss.

When I lost my horse I was told by a couple of friends who had been there before said you cry the most before, making the decision, making the call, etc etc.

I remember going to see my horse the night before (my friend held him on the day as I just couldnt do it) gave him a big hug, sat in my car and cried my eyes out.

I never cried the day it happened just had that awful sick feeling but in the past twelve years since have had moments where I miss him terribly, I can remember one night recently dreaming of him running around a field and I cried all day on and off -have some tears now typing this..

What I am trying to say is that perhaps you have cried your tears for the moment and as you move on the grief will hit you when you least expect it.

Again so sorry and best wishes xx
 
Sometimes the anticipation and the preparation are the worst, and then when it happens it is all over and there aren't any tears left for the moment. Being very tired is a sympton of grief.

I am sure you will cry, there will be a trigger and then the floodgates will open, but if you don't cry, it doesn't mean that you don't care and you are not grieving - if you see what I mean.

Very sorry for you. I just dread the same thing in years to come.
 
OP I am sorry for your loss. As others have said grief is exhausting and everyone reacts differently. My horse was PTS on Wednesday which had been arranged on Monday and those few days were hell, I got through it by telling myself I could back out although I knew I wouldn't, as he was beginning to suffer. I have cried all week off and on, waking in the night, but I am a very emotional person and I just can't control it. But I know the tears will stop soon and then I am afraid of the pain I will feel and not be able to cry to get rid of it for a while.
 
Firstly I must say how sorry i am about your horse.

Maybe this is just me, I'm not really sure, but I always find the lead up to "the day" heart wrenching, but once the deed is done it's like a sort of relief that I've done the kindest final act that I could.
Don't get me wrong I still have a few tears but nothing like the lead up to it!

There is no right or wrong way of grieving, everybody is completely different :)
 
OP so sorry for your loss. I agree with others - I dont think there is a 'normal' around this. I had my mare pts at the end of June and I felt wretched for weeks afterward, however although I knew there was a possibility I might lose her somehow it was unexpected and like a bolt from the blue and she was pts there and on the day. I imagine a planned euthanasia, which I have only experienced with dogs is different in the grieving and upset is beforehand as another poster suggested. You are probably relieved in a way that the day has now come and gone as anticipation can be so much worse.
 
Every one is different and every day post-PTS is different. I just had my old girl put down after over 17 years together. It was my decision and I made it back at Easter so I had plenty of time to get my head around it (and I cried twice a day every day when I was driving off having seen to her morning and evening) and I know absolutely that it was the right thing for her. Her needs outweighed mine. On the day I was determined to hold everything together and kept the morning absolutely as normal for her and did my crying where she couldn't see me. After the vet had left and I was waiting for the man from the crem I got on with tidying up the tackroom, loading my car etc, and when he arrived I asked him if he was her taxi, then remarked that I hoped this would be the one time she loaded without complaint. I cried on and off all day but the next evening went out to my normal music rehearsals as it was no good brooding at home. I still cry for a few minutes most days, but it is for my loss, not hers and I am relieved that it is all over for her. I can look at pictures of her (although the short video I took the day before hurts so much because she was looking at me, then came over for a scratch), handle her mane and tail portions etc but the loss of my old routine is very painful. I'm sure that many people think I am remarkably pragmatic and getting on with things and in many respects I am, but ...

One thing is for sure though, and that is I'm glad I don't have to go back up to the yard. I think that would destroy me as the last image I have is driving away seeing my old girl lying dead behind me. That is now what I associate with the place.
 
I had mine PTS for the same reason as you. For a couple of weeks after it happened I didn't really cry or feel grief stricken. About 2-3 weeks after it happened that's when it hit me.... You are perfectly normal it just takes time to sink it. Can be days, weeks or months but it will arrive sadly.

Sorry for your loss.
 
I lost my mare tragically with a broken leg in the field 7yrs ago and it is still upsetting even now. She was only 7 and it was such a shock. I cried almost continually for 2 weeks or so and lost weight as I just couldnt eat much atall.

Yesterday a mare which I have looked after for 5yrs had to be pts but this time it was planned. She had eerily had a kick in the field and a piece of bone chipped off her elbow, almost the same circumstances as my own mare. I found her in the field and the xrays confirmed what I suspected. She was an old girl, nearly 23 and arthritic. She was to all intents and purposes mine as I was her main carer, moreso this last year. It was very upsetting yesterday, today I feel weird, like it happened but it didnt. I suppose its because it was a controlled pts whereas my own mare wasnt. However, I loved this horse and will miss her incredibly, she was a very brave girl to the end.

We all deal with things in different ways, there is no right or wrong about it. So sorry about your horse and hope time heals for you.x
 
when i had my first horse pts i cried all of the time in the days before and hardly slept....i held him and it was very quick.. my friends husband stayed with him while he was loaded and my friend took me back to her house where i stayed for a while..i think i was in shock and couldnt believe he was gone...i didnt cry again about him even though i missed him loads...i had spent a lot of time deciding whether to pts and as it was the right thing for him i didnt feel guilty...ive have been the same with my other 2 as the decision to pts is not easy and it has always been done with them in mind and i feel that quality of life is of the utmost importance. i have been lucky that mine were all good ages which made the decisions a bit easier.....dont worry if you dont cry, you probably did the same as me and are all cried out.....time is a great healer and i can now think about my old horses with a smile and not sadness and im sure you will find the same.....hugs for you
 
So sorry for your loss. I had my boy PTS on Tuesday. Don't feel guilty for not crying - as everyone else said, people grieve differently. and one day you may just break down when it really hits you.
 
So sorry for your loss. Everyone deals with grief in different ways. I had my first pony put down ten years ago and it can still affect me now. I thought that I would become a recluse when he died but I was actually the opposite and could not bear to be on my own.
I do have an amazing pony now who has helped me amazingly. Dont overthink things, if you feel upset, let it out but deal with things your own way. There are no rules to grief.xx
 
Hi, I saw your previous thread and am sorry for your loss. I lost my girl about eight weeks ago, and I personally found the period in between deciding that she should be PTS and the actual day it happened, the worst. Like your boy, my girl was in pain and being able to stop that was the right decision. So I now feel relief that she isn't in pain, but sadness as I miss her. I was upset the day she left me, but since then I haven't cried as much as I did before she left. But it will be the little things that remind me of her that upset me - getting the vets bill made me quite teary! I was able to look at photos of her right away, day I lost her and for a few days after, but I find that now, eight weeks later I'm having trouble. Give yourself time everyone says, and I think that's good advice. We love them loads and it is a real loss. I'm sure your kids will keep you going, I know mine do. Take care. xx
 
I had my lad pts last year due to arthritis i cried so much in the lead up and when it was actually done. But once he was gone i have rarely cried i felt relief knowing he was in no pain anymore and i had planned it so was mentally prepared.
With the ones who we are not prepared for i have cried spontaneously for weeks. With him i have probably cried more this year around the anniversary but even when Im upset i feel content as i know i did he right thing for him.
Hugs to you OP don't feel bad that your not upset.
 
Everybody deals with grief differently. I lost my big lad yesterday, totally unplanned and I am completely devastated. At the moment I am randomly bursting into tears but my overwhelming emotion is pure anger, bizarre. When I lost Ted, 2 years ago, it was planned and I did a lot of grieving in the lead up to it. Afterwards, I felt sad but peaceful
 
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