Dealing with horse loss

[teddy_]

Three weeks ago, my horse was diagnosed with navicular. He essentially had no smooth edges to his navicular bones and therefore, was retired as pet and if sound enough, happy hacker, which I was fine with. Over the past few weeks, I had become comfortable with the fact that although, we'd never do anything super exciting again, he'd at least remain my companion and friend for many more years to come, as long as he was able to have a good quality of life.

About four days ago, he had what looked like a small scratch on his knee. Nothing major and it seemingly had barely broken the skin. I cleaned it up and applied antiseptic ointment and just carried on as normal.

Yesterday morning (Friday), he came in from the field with a bigger swelling around the area which was not present the day beforehand (Thursday). Needless to say, suspecting an infection was brewing, I called my vets and they'd be out that afternoon to flush, probe and assess the wound thoroughly and we could agree a course of action from then on.

In the meantime, I cold hosed the leg and applied a simple poultice to the wound. A few hours later, I removed the poultice and his knee area was red hot and the swelling had quadrupled in size. I called the vets and advised that they should probably come out sooner rather than later.

The vet arrived and her words were "I do not like the look of this". My heart dropped and I knew what was coming. The vet did her examination and extracted some joint fluid and it was clear as day the joint was badly infected.

The idea of a hospital referral was floated however, this particular horse A. Takes about an hour to load B. Won't travel alone and C. I do not have access to transport instantaneously. Furthermore, his vital signs were bad. High temperature, heart rate and he was becoming despondent. Consequently, the vets advised euthanasia should be considered on humane grounds as even if I got him to the hospital, there was no guarantee he would come out the other side.

To add to this truly horrific day, a new horse I had bought a few days prior had arrived and swiftly been kicked by another horse on his inner thigh and he also needed veterinary attention and stitches. The whole day was utterly overwhelming.

I shouldn't have turned the new horse out but I just was not thinking straight after this hammer blow had been delivered for a horse who's birth I had witnessed and had truly been my best friend for seven years. He really was my soul mate.

Yesterday evening, my darling boy was PTS and I feel completely wiped out and emotionally exhausted.

So to cut a long story short, do any fellow forum members have any handy tips of dealing with this heart wrenching grief and guilt? I feel guilty that I did not call the vet on day one. I feel guilty that I was not able to get him to a hospital in a safe and composed way to at least give him a chance...

 

[Season’s Bleatings]

I am so sorry for your loss, I am sure you are utterly heartbroken.
Losing a horse always introduces a lot of “what ifs?” but I can hand on heart say that in the same situation, I would have done the same as you. You were incredibly unlucky.
We lost a mare very suddenly to colic in May and it left us with a lot of unanswered questions, sadly we will never get answers.
The first few days were very painful, her absence is still notable and I miss her daily, but I can live alongside it.
Thinking of you as you come to terms with your loss, and I hope your other horse recovers quickly xx

 

[teddy_]

I am so sorry for your loss, I am sure you are utterly heartbroken.
Losing a horse always introduces a lot of “what ifs?” but I can hand on heart say that in the same situation, I would have done the same as you. You were incredibly unlucky.
We lost a mare very suddenly to colic in May and it left us with a lot of unanswered questions, sadly we will never get answers.
The first few days were very painful, her absence is still notable and I miss her daily, but I can live alongside it.
Thinking of you as you come to terms with your loss, and I hope your other horse recovers quickly xx

Thank you, very kind words.

 

[Baywonder]

Oh I am so sorry @teddy_eq

IME there is no magic solution to the grief and guilt. Everyone deals with the grief and shock of losing their horse differently, so all I can really say is do what feels right for you.

As for the guilt, I think everyone questions the decisions they have or haven't made in situations such as yours. You did the right thing at the time, and from what you have said, I would imagine everyone on here would have done exactly the same. It is only when the dust settles you are able to process what has happened then you begin to question your actions. I know I did the same when I lost my old boy.

Personally, I really do think you made the right decision for your horse. You ensured he did not suffer, and that is the final act of kindness we can do for our equine friends.

Please be kind to yourself, and remember we are here if you need to offload at all. <<Hugs>>

 

[teddy_]

Oh I am so sorry @teddy_eq

IME there is no magic solution to the grief and guilt. Everyone deals with the grief and shock of losing their horse differently, so all I can really say is do what feels right for you.

As for the guilt, I think everyone questions the decisions they have or haven't made in situations such as yours. You did the right thing at the time, and from what you have said, I would imagine everyone on here would have done exactly the same. It is only when the dust settles you are able to process what has happened then you begin to question your actions. I know I did the same when I lost my old boy.

Personally, I really do think you made the right decision for your horse. You ensured he did not suffer, and that is the final act of kindness we can do for our equine friends.

Please be kind to yourself, and remember we are here if you need to offload at all. <<Hugs>>

Thank you so much. It is a comfort to read this.

 

[vmac66]

I had a horse pts due to bilateral uveitis a,few years ago. He was very neatly completely blind. I questioned myself for weeks after had I done the right thing despite everyone including the vet telling me I had. I eventually realised I had done the right thing for the horse.
Go with the grief, cry when you need to. It does get easier.

 

[Red-1]

I am so sorry this happened to you, especially at this time. I say this as a new horse is overwhelming at the best of times, meaning you will find losing your beloved horse hits even harder. Be easy with yourself. I would have done the same as you. You saved your horse a painful journey and painful treatment.

I do hope your new horse becomes some comfort to you.

 

[teddy_]

I had a horse pts due to bilateral uveitis a,few years ago. He was very neatly completely blind. I questioned myself for weeks after had I done the right thing despite everyone including the vet telling me I had. I eventually realised I had done the right thing for the horse.
Go with the grief, cry when you need to. It does get easier.

Tha

I had a horse pts due to bilateral uveitis a,few years ago. He was very neatly completely blind. I questioned myself for weeks after had I done the right thing despite everyone including the vet telling me I had. I eventually realised I had done the right thing for the horse.
Go with the grief, cry when you need to. It does get easier.

Thank you so much.

 

[teddy_]

I am so sorry this happened to you, especially at this time. I say this as a new horse is overwhelming at the best of times, meaning you will find losing your beloved horse hits even harder. Be easy with yourself. I would have done the same as you. You saved your horse a painful journey and painful treatment.

I do hope your new horse becomes some comfort to you.

Thank you, I think the new boy will give me a focus, if nothing else.

He doesn't deserve to be cast aside because of all this and I have no doubt in the long run, it's a blessing in disguise that he came on the same day.

 

[Red-1]

Thank you, I think the new boy will give me a focus, if nothing else.

He doesn't deserve to be cast aside because of all this and I have no doubt in the long run, it's a blessing in disguise that he came on the same day.

I have sometimes found that the timing on these things is uncanny, almost as if the previous horse is handing over the baton to the new. I have known it happen a few times.

 

[Baywonder]

Thank you, I think the new boy will give me a focus, if nothing else.

This will be a good thing for you.

I remember the day after losing my old boy. I got up and got ready for work. I then stood in the hall with my keys and handbag. I felt completely lost because I didn't have my change of clothes and all the paraphernalia for the stables I used to take with me every day. It was even harder going straight home from work and not to the yard to see him.

Your new horse will give you a different focus, and I hope he recovers from his injury soon. X

 

[PinkvSantaboots]

So sorry its never easy when you loose them but you totally did the right thing so don't feel bad, think of all the lovely times you had together ❤

 

[Dreamer2020]

I am so sorry & this might not be any comfort but I honestly would have done the same as you. I've lost count of the number of time my boy came in with scratch that I cleaned & put cream on. It's almost 3 years since I had to have him pts following a field accident ... so I get the sudden loss part. All I can say is cry when the tears come & try to let it out. Grief comes in waves sometimes & I think that's the brain's way of handling the loss of someone we really love ... it's too much to feel it all at once, so it kind of comes in waves. I had a necklace made with his tail hair & it really comforts me to wear it & feel like he is still with me. I'm not sure if you kept any of your boy's hair? Just know that you put him first & were with him right until the end. You did the best thing for your friend & the pain you feel is because of your love for him. In time you'll be able to remember all your good times with him & smile. For now it's a case of being kind to yourself, letting your new horse be a comfort to you & accepting that you are carrying this pain so your boy didn't have to carry his. Sending you virtual hugs & we are all here for you x

 

[Equi]

Im so sorry for your loss. There is nothing that can be said or done it just takes time. Those first few days are the toughest but having recently gone through it i do know it gets a bit better with time. Something i found helpful was to make a plan to commemorate my horse - i went to IKEA and bought a box to put photos/passport/hoof clippings/hair/shoes etc all in. I must have opened the box once an hour for a few days, then less and less. But it gives me a lot of comfort to know i still have something that belongs to him in my reach even if its not his whole person. His little hoof clipping was him..its his colour and his shape. Its precious.

 

[lynz88]

Oh I'm so sorry to be reading this

You definitely did the right thing and shouldn't be questioning (though I think we all do).

 

[Trouper]

Gosh - what horrendous timing and I am so sorry for you. FWIW I had to deal with a joint wound which was slightly more serious so I did call the vet - fondly thinking it would just be a course of antibiotics. Oh no - the full works of referral to hospital and, like you, no transport so a mad scramble. Fortunately I had no problems with loading and the operation was initially deemed successful. However, he never came right and I ended up having to pts a few months later.

So I quite get why your vet advised against a more difficult struggle to get him to hospital and I really believe you did the right thing - for him.

For you, it will take time - so give yourself the space to grieve for him and take it slowly with your new one so that you can build a new relationship as special as the last one.

 

[wills_91]

So sorry for your loss.

I also believe you have done the right thing for your horse. The hardest decisions are often the right ones. Be kind to yourself it's a horrible, stressful experience.

 

[meleeka]

I’m sorry to read about your terrible loss

Grief has to go in stages. Firstly you have to deal with the shock, then you’ll probably have the “what ifs”, then you’ll have the overwhelming sadness and eventually you’ll be able to feel grateful that you got to have him in your life at all. You can’t rush the stages, you just have to let yourself process it all and know that you are going through them, you won’t be stuck there forever, but will come out the other side. You did the best thing for him and that’s what’s important.

Do try and look after yourself, find pleasure where you can and lean on those closest to you.

You’ll be fine x

 

[Griffin]

I am so sorry that you have gone through this @teddy_eq , what an absolutely shocking day for you.

I always tell myself that we make the decisions we do with the knowledge we have at the time. On more than one occasion, I have called a vet thinking something was very minor and then it has turned out to be more serious than initially thought, it is no one's fault if something is presenting as insignificant at the time.

The new horse will give you a diversion and in time he will be a great help for you. No one replaces those we have lost but I think the greatest tribute we can pay to a horse or any pet we have loved, is to want to give that same love and great life to another one. Your boy spent his whole life with you, how lucky he was.

 

[teddy_]

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words, they are a real consolation. What a wonderful community on HHO.

 

[NinjaPony]

So very sorry for your loss, what a tragedy for you. Horses can go from fine to emergency in such a short space of time, it’s just one of those things and if we thought about all the ‘what ifs’ we would never have them, so don’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong. We can only deal with what’s presented to us at the time.

As for grief, well, if anyone finds the answer I’d love to know. There hasn’t been a day since my boy went that I haven’t grieved for him, thought about him, wished he was here, and it’s been months. The pain doesn’t go away, you just learn to live with it and eventually the raw hurt becomes a kind of background ache, that flares up from time to time. For me, the act of remembering him is an act of love, even though it hurts. It reminds me how much impact he had on my life and how that hasn’t gone away just because he has. I hope you can find some peace as you start to process what’s happened and come to terms with it.

 

[mini_b]

I have sometimes found that the timing on these things is uncanny, almost as if the previous horse is handing over the baton to the new. I have known it happen a few times.

i would find some comfort in this. I do think the universe has a funny way.

OP I am so sorry for your loss x

 

[ycbm]

Please do not blame yourself, you did nothing that I or a thousand other people on the forum would not have done.

Time will lessen the severity of your pain.
.

 

[Snow Falcon]

So sorry for your loss. I nearly said goodbye to my old chap on Wednesday so can appreciate some of your grief. It's a very personal thing, guilt nearly always features. You should take comfort that you were a loving responsible owner. He'll be at peace and in time so will you.

I take hair from my ponies. I do keep meaning to do something with it! We had a beautiful locket made for a friend who had lost her pony so he was always close to her heart.

Be kind to yourself. Sometimes you'll just burst into tears, completely normal. Remember the great times and relationship you shared together.

I hope your new chap recovers quickly.

 

[Bonnie Allie]

So sorry for your loss. Heartbreaking when it happens so quickly.

My horse had aggressive melanoma and was given 6 months tops. He lasted another 3 years so I had plenty of time to deal with it but it was still devastating when we had to make the decision.

What helped my grief was engaging an artist to do a watercolour of him and he sits behind me as I type this. I see him every day and think of him every day.

 

[ozpoz]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope the self questioning part of grieving is beginning to fade now. You stood up for your horse and made the right call at the right time. Xx

 

[MiJodsR2BlinkinTite]

So sorry OP, it never rains but it pours and you've had a downpour.

I lost my lovely girl a month ago Friday. She had trigeminal headshaking, very possibly ulcers, probable EMS, arthitic changes, the lot. She had it. Was only 10yo and then had a sudden upsurge of laminitis where she'd had to be kept in and away from the herd.

She didn't cope, not at all. Became aggressive to the extent she was dangerous to handle as well as horribly aggressive to the other horses on the yard. Her quality of life (and other conditions) were such that it was decided it was kinder to PTS which we did later in the week.

A week later we PTS (at home) my little dog............ July wasn't exactly a good month

Yes we could have tried this and that; and the problem with social media is that everyone suggests "This and That". Then you are made to feel guilty that you didn't investigate it and then scrape together yet more money to try it - with the resultant disappointment (and huge expense) when "it" hasn't worked.

The mare was unhappy, depressed, and her long-term future was that she wouldn't ever be able to eat grass properly again and/or be with her herd. She was lame on 2X bute a day and we hadn't even begun to investigate her trigeminal headshaking let alone her lameness, ulcers, and possible other issues. So we turned her out for the last day of her life and she galloped up to the gate ready for "The Deed" to be performed a few hours later.

Two years prior to this we'd PTS my two oldies together: same day, same occasion. It would have been unkind to have left one as they were both pairbonded and they were both ready to go.

It is NEVER easy to lose a horse, or any animal in fact. You have to IME treat it as a "loss" of a close family member, because that is what they are. The pain of the loss never truly goes away; I'm still capable of crying over my little pony who I lost 33 years ago when it comes round to his anniversary.

Having supportive friends is a huge help; NOT the sort of "friends" who'll say "oh its only an animal get over it". You need the good supportive type who will understand the full extent of your loss and who will stand by you when you're having a bad day.

So sorry you're in this position. I can't say the PTS decision ever gets any easier to deal with the more you find yourself having to do it because it doesn't.........