Dentist, child & grandparents....

phantomhorse

phantomhorse

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Non horsey but I appreciate your views on here, so will enquire (please forgive me please.)

My parents have recently moved house and have started using the same dental practice as my family and I. We are registered with one dentish there (and have been for 14 years), whilst my parents see another dentist there. Well, today, my parents have returned from a visit to their dentist and informed me that theyve arranged for my eldest son (14) to see their dentist about having braces fitted. The practice have switched his records from from our family dentist over to my parents' one and an appointment has already been made.

My query is.... can grandparents just do this without parents being involved??? I'm staggered, and not impressed. Consultation would have been appreciated, no matter how well intentioned their actions. Surely our son cannot just be switched to another dentist/doctor without our permission? Grandparents or not :mad:
 
I am very surprised too. Grandparents don't have legal rights over a child. Only the parents do. You should have a word with the dentists.
 
Ohh, that would annoy me rather alot! I would just explain to the grandparents that it is a decision you will make with son and his dentist involved. Then call the dental practise to rectify the 'mistake' re changing dentists and cancel the appointment. Try and keep a lid on it and be polite and calm (though I would be hopping inside!!).
 
phantomhorse said:
Non horsey but I appreciate your views on here, so will enquire (please forgive me please.)

My parents have recently moved house and have started using the same dental practice as my family and I. We are registered with one dentish there (and have been for 14 years), whilst my parents see another dentist there. Well, today, my parents have returned from a visit to their dentist and informed me that theyve arranged for my eldest son (14) to see their dentist about having braces fitted. The practice have switched his records from from our family dentist over to my parents' one and an appointment has already been made.

My query is.... can grandparents just do this without parents being involved??? I'm staggered, and not impressed. Consultation would have been appreciated, no matter how well intentioned their actions. Surely our son cannot just be switched to another dentist/doctor without our permission? Grandparents or not :mad:
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This would make me quite cross too. They dont have any right to make decisions for your son regarding any form of medical treatment. And im quite surprised that the dentist didnt question it or atleast inform you about possible changes. I would also give the dentist a phone and try to rectify the situation and also with the grandparents. Was your son aware of appointments being made on his behalf?
 
As others have said; this must be a breach of confidentiality. The grandparents have no business making appointments for your son, without your express permission, which you have given to the dentist in advance, never mind changing his dentist.
Ring the practice, explain that a 'mistake' has been made and cancel the appt. I would also ask that in future they don't make appointments for your son, without reference to you.
 
I have just spoken to my sister who is a very experienced dental nurse.

First off your parents have no legal right over your son.
Secondly and most importantly is the dentist your parents have booked him in to see actually an orthodontist or is he a general practitioner who does orthodontics?
If you think your son needs braces then he needs to see a trained orthodontist and not just a general practitioner.
This can be under the National Health (though that has all been tightened up) under ITN (Item of treatment needed)

As for his dental records as both dentists are in the same practise they are open.
She suggests that you call the practise and speak to the practise manager and explain it all to them and your annoyance at what has happened and the legalities of your parents acting without your consent.

Then I would have a go at your parents!
 
Are grandparent's paying for the braces?

Maybe this has a bearing on their decision to move dentists, regardless of the rights and wrongs of it.

It can cost £1,000's nowadays for braces :eek:. Just a thought before you raise it with the grandparent's.
 
Foxhunter49 said:
First off your parents have no legal right over your son.
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You'd be surprised. After the sudden death of my daughter-in-law, I took my 2 year old grandson to live with me. During the last 5 years, no one has ever asked me for a document to say I had guardianship for him. I registered him with a GP, dentist, nursery and later school. I applied for child benefit and no questions were asked.
Quite honestly, anyone could have taken the child and no agency would have queried who was looking after him.

To re-home a dog, I had to have a home visit and fill in an application and offically adopt it.

Funny old world.
 
I have only read OP post and no other replies - good intentions maybe but sorry you are the parent and to do that with no talking to you is very very bad - sorry i know they are your parents - If my mother had done that with my daughter I would have flipped. Ok if worried talk to you and explain their worries but to tell you what they have done afterwards is bang out of order - I would make appointment at own dentist and talk to him. On positive note my daughter had top and bottom brace to both move teeth and jaw - was uncomftable and at times painful - then she had a chip sorted and her teeth are positivly beautiful and she smiles for england and now 22 it has given her so much confidence ( unlike myself who always has hand over mouth :) ) lol different from my day lol - but please you are legal guardian of your child and remember that big hugs as delicate situation xxx
 
Foxhunter49 said:
I have just spoken to my sister who is a very experienced dental nurse.

First off your parents have no legal right over your son.
Secondly and most importantly is the dentist your parents have booked him in to see actually an orthodontist or is he a general practitioner who does orthodontics?
If you think your son needs braces then he needs to see a trained orthodontist and not just a general practitioner.
This can be under the National Health (though that has all been tightened up) under ITN (Item of treatment needed).....
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Reason for my parents doing this? Because they are overbearing, thoughtless, bossy and they dont think we (my husband and I) are getting our eldest sons teeth done quickly enough for their liking. He is by far their favourite of our 4 children and they make no bones about it. As far as they are concerned, hes more or less 'their son'. :mad: Trust me; Ive cried more tears over their behaviour, had more arguements with my husband over it and had to placate my younger 3 children over the favoritism but my mother and step-father are impossible to deal with. Trust me. Impossible. But my mother is my sole living relative so I walk on egg shells (and take 60mg Procac a day to cope with the stress).

Anyway, we were told by our own dentist that 14 is the age at which its best for orthodontics to start as most of the adult teeth are in by then. Fine, we knew that ourselves and I had already been looking into find a reputable private orthodontist. I should add that our son was 14 in August, so we're not exactly behind schedule :rolleyes:

Apparently theyve booked our son for an appointment with their dentist and she'll refer him to a place in Exeter that specialises in orthodontics after shes seen him. They intend to pay apparently (?) Not sure who this NHS dentist is in Exeter, though. Id planned to go private but am interested to find out what service and reputation this NHS practice has, obviously.

Foxhunter49 said:
.....She suggests that you call the practise and speak to the practise manager and explain it all to them and your annoyance at what has happened and the legalities of your parents acting without your consent.
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Not sure what the 'legalities' are.... are there any? Not sure there is :(

Foxhunter49 said:
Then I would have a go at your parents!
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Not really possible with my parents. But I would like to be able to contact the dental surgery and let them know how p***ed off I am and ask them why they feel they can just switch my son between dentists without parental consent.
 
with my dentist and doctors i have to give written permission if the kids grandparents/aunts/uncles take them for even a routine appointment. same goes with collecting from school, i had to give a password to the school so that if someone else had to collect they would give the password then the school would phone me to clarify that someone else can collect my kids.
i know that their grandparents wouldn't be allowed to change any details on any of their records but if for some reason they did i would go ballistic at the practice/school and then rip into whoever changed the details.

if i was you i would go and speak to the dental practice and tell them that you want your sons records to be changed back, the appointment cancelled and if anything like this happens again then you will be complaining to whoever is in charge.

if you want to find out about this specialist then just ask your own dentist to find out, if you aren't entirely happy with the answer then either go to the other dentist (the one your parents use) or go private.
 
Follow up: dentist practice manager called back. Didnt really have an excuse or apology about what happened; just said they were used to grandparents coming in with grandchildren and making appointments and signing forms 'loco parentis' so they hadnt thought anything of it. I put them straight regarding my children, cancelled the appointment with the 'new' dentist and made another appointment to accompany my son for an orthodontics appointment next month with our family dentist. Job sorted.

Sadly Ive fallen out with my parents badly over this though. My mother rang earlier and I mentioned Id been in contact with the dentist about my sons appointment and re-arranged it. I tried to be polite and diplomatic; kept stressing I was concerned with the practices action in not informing us (his parents) that our son was seeing a new dentist. Didnt work. My mother screamed at me, told me I had issues and was paranoid. I reiterated that we didnt need to fall out over this, just that I wanted the dental practice to be aware that where our children were concerned we (the parents) wanted to be kept informed and in-the-loop of what appointments and arrangements were being made on behalf of our kids. She repeated that I 'had mental problems' and slammed the phone down. Within 5 minutes our doorbell rang and one of my children answered it; my step-father stormed into the living room raging at me (in front of my children) asking me why Ive been upsetting my mother, shouting at me about the dental appointment and saying I need to 'get a life' and that they were within their rights to do what they did and what was my problem. Im afraid to say I yelled back. He ended up storming out saying they never wanted to see me again. (Great, its my Mums birthday tomorrow and they were coming over in the evening for a meal and pressies). Great timing :(

Anyway, like I said. My parents are VERY difficult to deal with. You either tip-toe on eggshells ensuring you never say or even insinuate anything against their wishes - or this happens. :(

I feel very sad and upset after it though, but have stopped crying about it now. Not sure whats going to happen tomorrow though as I know if I try to drop a card and the presents off to their house - theyll end up being dumped back on my doorstep. But if I dont give them.... thatll be worse in their eyes. Sometimes you just cannot win :( :( :(

I should add that Im 45 years old and really beyond being made to feel like this by my parents. Deep sigh.
 
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really sorry this has happened but at the end of the day they're your children and you get the final say in what happens :) I would put the presents to them and that way, if they do end up on your doorstep, you've done what you can. If they want to be childish, then let them, but they're not setting a good example to your children.

Best of luck x
 
This is quite sad that you have to put up with this. Your step father had no right to shout at you over this, especially in front of your young children, that is totally unacceptable. You are reponsible for your children and the care they recieve, no one else regardless of who they think they are.
Im glad you got it sorted with the dentist, im about to have braces fitted and it is going to be a big commitment and will have to have teeth out and numerous appointments etc, but im old enough to make decisions for myself but it will be you who has to cater for your son when he has treatment.
And regarding the birthday thing, go ahead as planned and if they don't turn up, have the lovely meal with your husband and children and let them sulk.
You have put up with more than enough with their childish behaviour, you and your family deserve better.
 
Quite frankly I'd cut your mother and stepfather out of your life. Trying to placate people like that just doesn't work and it sounds like your life is made he'll by their ridiculous behaviour. Keep away from toxic people even if they are your relatives!
 
mle22 said:
Quite frankly I'd cut your mother and stepfather out of your life. Trying to placate people like that just doesn't work and it sounds like your life is made he'll by their ridiculous behaviour. Keep away from toxic people even if they are your relatives!
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You know, I saw a councellor about 10 years ago and stopped seeing her (the councellor) because she said the same thing; that my mother was a 'toxic' influence in my life and I should remove her from my life. I was suicidal at the time, but I didnt want to hear it. I know my mother is unreasonable, paranoid, irrational and petulantly spoilt but shes my Mum. My step-father (been around since I was 6) is weak and does everthing be can to keep the peace with her. Its sad as shes said some truely terrible, terrible things to him in the past. Wicked, hurtful things and he just sits and takes it. Shes always been this way and as Im her only child Ive spent for as long as I can remember tip toeing around her, trying to keep the peace and avoid the horrible accusations and blame shell pile on me if I try to ever express how I feel about something shes not happy with. Im embarrased to admit I took my first overdose at 12, so I guess I wasnt happy even as a young kid. No one knew, luckily I only took 12 Paracetamol and just felt very ill in my bedroom for a while. When I mentioned it to my mother years later, she just laughed and said I was making it up. Ive given up trying to explain anything to her concerning my feelings, but when it comes to my children I just cannot help myself. :(
 
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im really sorry you've been through this, it sounds like hell. :( I agree that it is time to cut the strings with her, it will probably seem tough but i think it would be for your own good and for that of your children, do you really want your parents to have the same influence on your kids as they did on you, it doesn't sound healthy. I think you should have a fresh start from them and it might be worth contacting your counsellor and go from there. xx
 
How awful - My overbearing mother sounds like a pussy cat compared to yours. I second getting more counselling to help you get over this and break the cycle. Your mum obv has serious issues and you must ensure that you dont allow her to create issues between you and your own family.

I had a break down with my parents many years ago but was able to forgive them and now have an ok (ish) relationship. Many people ask how on earth did I forgive them but I felt that by harbouring resentment I would be creating toxicity in my life. I hope is works out for you and your family.
 
Thanks for the posts guys, theyre appreciated.

Prob I feel I have is that my parents are getting elderly (Mum is 69 tomorrow) and I know they wont be around forever - especially as shes had cancer and one never knows when that awful disease can make a come back. I just hate cutting ties at so late a stage in their life and risking one or the other passing away under such circumstances. Dont think I could live with that.

I didnt do anything wrong today and did not say anything I am ashamed of, or critisise them in any way whatsoever. I just stuck to saying I needed to know what was happening concerning my son. Thats all. They said a whole lot more, especially my step father when he came over to my house and went off on one on my mums behalf. TBH, if what they said today (and what my children have told me they say about me behind my back in my childrens hearing) is true, and thats how they really feel about me, Id rather know. And if they have a go at me again about it (inevitable) at least I know I didnt say anything nasty except yell loudly that my eldest son is MY son and I dont want other people making arrangements concerning him without me and his Dads consent.

Worryingly my husband has just arrived home and queried why hes got a missed call from my parents on his work mobile. Thankfully he wasn't there to answer and they didnt leave a message. My husband is stressed enough at the mo and doesnt need this. I guess Ill have to tell him later, once the kids are in bed, but I dont want them hassling him. :(

TBH, wish Id hadnt bothered now. Knew it would end badly.
 
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phantomhorse said:
You know, I saw a councellor about 10 years ago and stopped seeing her (the councellor) because she said the same thing; that my mother was a 'toxic' influence in my life and I should remove her from my life. I was suicidal at the time, but I didnt want to hear it. I know my mother is unreasonable, paranoid, irrational and petulantly spoilt but shes my Mum. My step-father (been around since I was 6) is weak and does everthing be can to keep the peace with her. Its sad as shes said some truely terrible, terrible things to him in the past. Wicked, hurtful things and he just sits and takes it. Shes always been this way and as Im her only child Ive spent for as long as I can remember tip toeing around her, trying to keep the peace and avoid the horrible accusations and blame shell pile on me if I try to ever express how I feel about something shes not happy with. Im embarrased to admit I took my first overdose at 12, so I guess I wasnt happy even as a young kid. No one knew, luckily I only took 12 Paracetamol and just felt very ill in my bedroom for a while. When I mentioned it to my mother years later, she just laughed and said I was making it up. Ive given up trying to explain anything to her concerning my feelings, but when it comes to my children I just cannot help myself. :(
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I really feel terribly sorry that you have had such a negative relationship with your mother. Maybe you should go back to see a counsellor again. It's never to late to help yourself and feel more in control of your life. She will never change and you don't deserve to feel so bad. Hugs from me.
 
Just read your last reply - it's awful that they are talking negatively about you in front of your children - spreading their poison to the next generation.
 
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