devastated

weesophz

weesophz

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my YO has been fighting cancer for many months now, and my dad just told me when he picked me up from work that YOs husband called to say shes been given 3-6 months to live now.

i just cant believe it. i owe her so much, and if it wasnt for her i wouldnt even have fox. i think im pretty much in shock just now, waiting for the tears to come.

i dont know how to deal with this. I lost a friend just under a month ago to the same disease, im just so angry, and feel so useless that i cant do anything. i dont even know what i will say when i see her daughters and husband at the yard. how can you even comfort someone at a time like this?

just had to say something, im not good at talking to people face to face about feelings..
 
weesophz said:
my YO has been fighting cancer for many months now, and my dad just told me when he picked me up from work that YOs husband called to say shes been given 3-6 months to live now.

i just cant believe it. i owe her so much, and if it wasnt for her i wouldnt even have fox. i think im pretty much in shock just now, waiting for the tears to come.

i dont know how to deal with this. I lost a friend just under a month ago to the same disease, im just so angry, and feel so useless that i cant do anything. i dont even know what i will say when i see her daughters and husband at the yard. how can you even comfort someone at a time like this?

just had to say something, im not good at talking to people face to face about feelings..
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How awful for all concerned!
I know how you feel! :(
 
Horrible, horrible thing, cancer. Always seems to take such lovely people. :(

Go and see her. So many people avoid them because they don't know what to say. Make a list of things you've been up to to talk about. Things you want to ask her. Video yourself riding and ask her for opinions/criticism etc. Make the most of every moment..
 
thanks guys. PJ and honey she doesnt want to see anyone (which is understandable) so i feel like id be imposing on her which makes me feel worse :( im good friends with her daughter and i sent her a wee text, and told her if they need anything im 100% there. ive known them all for so long and although we've had disagreements shes done so much for me. i just dont know how to deal :(
 
If you find emotional support difficult to give (don't worry a lot of people do) then try and make sure that they know you will offer any practical support you can. If you can turn out/bring in etc, especially on days when you know she has a hospital appointment, then I am sure they will appreciate that. Often people who are under going treatment, or are ill, or taking strong painkillers, have a problem with appetite, so leaving presents of tasty treats will be appreciated. You will deal with this, as there is no alternative, but it will be difficult for everyone.
 
Thanks for ur kind words everyone. Cant quote as on my phone but i like the letter idea, will try sunday and write one. Im just honestly at my wits end with cancer, if it was a person i swear id do time for killing it. Head is all over the place. Cant even imagine what ill say when i seevher OH hes like a big kid no idea what hes going to do :(
 
It sounds like everything is raw and a shock to everyone at the moment, quite naturally. Perhaps send a quick text saying you are there for any help they may need, then let the dust settle for a day or two, then write a letter?
 
My YO has cancer too it's s**t isn't it. Mine is lucky she finished her treatment this week. You don't have to say anything to her in particular when you see her (when she is ready), just listen. Maybe she will want to talk about her prognosis and you will listen and sympathise. Maybe she will be fed up of talking about it and thinking about it and having it going round and round in her head and she will want to talk about something else - you, your horse, the yard, what you guys are going to do next week, people you know... and you will do that. You obviously care about her so you will listen to her and give her what she needs.
I agree with the others about practical support and little gifts. The other livery where I am has been amazing at doing my YO's horses for her and sometimes I did her some cakes or another friend would do her a dinner she could just pop in the oven instead of cooking to make life easier.
Everyone copes with bad news in different ways so the fact that she doesn't want to see anyone right now is completely normal. She will get past that in her own time when she is ready and her body and mind have processed that information and when that happens she is going to need her friends and family around her so what you did in sending the message of support was exactly the right thing to do. You weren't intrusive but you let her know that you weren't abandoning her and you would be there waiting when she is ready.
 
After having parents who have been very ill , just be careful about too much of an outpouring even in a letter. I would suggest offering support , letting them know you are there to help then maybe leave it at that.
It can be a very hard time for a family and it is very hard without having to deal with outside emotions, and this is not meant in a bad way, you can only offer support now.
 
Hate cancer its just awfull it took my poor Dad and I will never get over it, I wouldnt wish it upon anyone so I really feel for you and your yo and her family its just horrible, you will know what to say when you see her dont worry just be you she will be thankfull for that.
 
Huge hugs honey x A lot of people find it pretty much impossible to know what to say in situations like these and to be honest it's perfectly fine to feel this way. Am a nurse by trade, predominantly palliative care, and if there's one thing I have learned through observation it's that when the time comes and you're in the situation you WILL know what to say, it'll come to you naturally and you'll know in your heart that it's the right thing. For some people that might be "I'm so sorry to hear your news, if there's anything I can do for you...." in other cases it might be relevant to ignore that completely at first and talk about a new issue (always reminds me of a patient many years ago who's son visited for the first time since his mum had been told she had received all the treatment there was and it was a matter of keeping her comfortable. They'd had a fairly strained relationship and there was a lot of debate because the son wanted to wait until she was completely better for him and his partner to get married. When she got the news and he came to see her afterwards, having been told the prognosis, he turned to his mum and started laughing and said, "well if you want the wedding any sooner you can bl***y pay towards it!" - might seem totally inappropriate to some but at the time it just felt right!). Just play it by ear, she's still the person you know and love and her family are still the same people. There will be days for deep and meaningful conversations but there'll be other days for laughter and making the most of the time left. Any help you can give them to maximise that will be remembered for a lifetime and will be a lovely way to help repay her kindness to you. As an extra note though, don't neglect your own feelings in all this. Find someone YOU can talk to, someone who can support you too x
 
Hugs from New Zealand for you - and your yo!! Cancer is a bummer. I know- faced that 8 years ago but thankfully the op and chemo worked for me....thinking about what I appreciated when I was going through this....it was little things....a card saying 'thinking of you'....a meal delived so I didn't have to worry about what was for tea.....I got pretty tearful with face to face meetings so I did tend to keep to myself a lot....I had colon cancer so I had to be careful about what I ate!! Having this problem certainly made me look at life differently!! I now appreciate the little things....and take time to enjoy myself....so really all I can say is try and think of something you can do for her that will either make life a bit easier for her or that will make her smile....take care!
 
Big hugs to you! I've lost 2 very very close family members to cancer and it is a vile, horrible disease. As someone mentioned earlier, if there's anything you would like to say (maybe just reiterating that they can call on you for anything) put it in a nice card and pop it through the letter box, or if she has some favourite chocolates leave them by the back door with a note. Poor woman and family x
 
Cant quote as on my phone but Trinity fox thanks for this, i think ill still write the letter, i was mainly going to write about lots of memories that would hopefully make her smile. Will be careful about too much emotion though. Thank u all for ur advice everyone, and im sorry for all of u who have lost someone to this hateful disease. I cant believe that just after i was coming to terms with my friends death i got this news. All i can think about is her family
 
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