Did i pts too soon?

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Pink Gorilla

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I had my beloved 30 year old horse put to sleep on Sunday night and now I'm wrestling with so much guilt. Over the past 4 months he'd had the odd episode of suddenly looking extremely sleepy and drained and would either fall asleep standing up and stumble, or would be off his food and flop down on the floor to sleep as soon as I turned him out. Whenever he had these episodes, although scary at the time, they were usually short lived and he'd perked up a few hours later. But the last couple of episodes in the space of 3 weeks were followed for a day or two with mild, spasmodic colic. He would still eat and graze etc after an episode, but his belly was sucked in and he kept kicking his belly every few minutes. Other than that looked and acted normal. Well he had a good weekend and was even cantering round the field Sunday with his friend. But Sunday night he had another exhaustion episode. Kept circling, before laying down flat with eyes closed, getting up, circling again and walking backwards. He was grumpy and didn't want me near him and showed little interest in his food. He also kicked his belly a few times. He wasn't having a colic attack as the cause of it all, as when he laid down he would just lay flat out with his eyes closed as if he was asleep. The episodes would just seemed to trigger tummy spasms, hence the belly kicking on occasion. Anyway I just called the vet thinking the episodes were coming more frequent, I can't keep going through this, I can't keep stressing and worrying about him, and that I wanted to get to him and put him to sleep before an illness got there first. But he looked amazing for his age! Moved amazing, shiney coat and was happy enough inbetween episodes. Vet thinks it was maybe mini strokes as his gums went white during episodes. Something called TIA? So I just told him the vet to put him down because the previous episode was only 2 days before. Now I'm feeling such guilt! Did I just panic? Was I too hasty? Was I thinking about myself and being selfish? Or was it the right time to do it while he still looked well, was happy between episodes and having more good days than bad? Oh god though, now I wish I'd waited for more bad days than good. Or at least 50/50.
 
I personally would have pts given the situation you describe. The episodes sound dramatic and frightening for you and your horse. I don't think he needed to have more days of that level of suffering than good days to pts. I would definitely have ended it sooner rather than later. Hugs to you, in my books you did right by him. I would not feel guilty at all, be kind to yourself.
 
You totally did the right thing he was 30 it's a good age and it sounds like things were failing, if you had waited chances are he could have been in real distress and that would have been your last memory you prevented that from happening, your going to feel guilty it's a natural emotion under the circumstances but it dies get easier, I felt guilty when I had both of mine pts but I know it wasn't my fault and there was nothing else I could have done. Be kind to yourself x
 
It sounds like you did absolutely the right thing and I commend you for it. Your little beloved was showing signs of age and you made the best decision a loving owner could make. I'm sure you would be feeling a whole lot worse if you'd waited until he deteriorated and started to suffer. Cherish the good memories and do not doubt the decision you made. Much love xx
 
What you did was a kindness. He was suffering and you stopped that for him. What you are feeling is perfectly natural. I felt like that for about 3 months, then realised it was just part of the grieving process. Its a very difficult thing to do, to be in charge of ending a life. But its a privilege to be able to do that for a horse you obviously cared about and who was suffering.
 
100% you did the right thing. You are only questioning yourself now because you're brain is trying to process it and figure it out. It would have been horrific if you had found out he died of colic one night and been in pain for hours. Or if he'd had a stroke and fallen and injured himself. You did the right thing and gave him a dignified death.
 
You did the best thing under the circumstances. It's horrible to have to make the decision but a responsible owner makes the decision in the horse's best interests, which is exactly what you did for your horse, because you are a responsible owner.
I'm sorry you are going through this, try to concentrate on your memories of the good times.
 
I'm so sorry. I think we all worry about knowing when it's time, and rightfully so. Ending a life shouldn't be taken lightly, but you know, I've had 3 horses euthanized. One mare, I felt I had her PTS too soon. Two horses, under the vets guidance, I felt were kept going to long, as the hoped for recovery didn't happen.
In hindsight, I wish I had listened to my gut instinct for them and called it a day earlier.
The old saying, a day too soon... is very true. The only problem is that you never get to see that you were right.
 
I feel you should give yourself a hug for getting your horse to such an incredible age and then making absolutely the right call.

Old age brings illnesses and the last thing any of us should be doing with OAPs is intrusive investigations. He went quietly & it's understandable you are missing him, but please don't doubt yourself xx
 
Thank you all. I think the fact he had a good day and was looking amazing a few hours before, plus the fact I have this giant brain fog and can't think clearly about it all is making it so hard to process. I'm hoping the fog will clear eventually and I'll be able to think back on it clearly and know for 100% sure I made the right decision. My head says it was better to do it as I could see he was declining and the episodes were becoming to be days apart, rather than weeks or months. But then my heart says that it was just a very mild tummy ache and a bit of sleep deprivation, which is common in old horses, and that he would have been fine.
 
I've only read the first few lines but I can already tell you that you did the right thing. Imagine how much worse you'd feel if he'd have fallen and seriously hurt himself.

You did the kindest thing.
 
I'd much rather they go while they are looking amazing for their age, don't labour on that bit as you know full well that is not the whole story :).
Repetitive episodes of anything, even mild tummy ache are not good for an oldie, far better for him to go on a good day. You absolutely made the right decision for him but it's natural to question that, or have very mixed feelings even if logically you know it was the best option.
 
Absolutely not.
Please don't beat your self up, you put your horse first, Just as it should be.
Pity more people can't do the same !
Sorry for your loss, remember the good times
 
There is a saying "Better a day too soon than a week too late", and from what you've said I think you did the right thing at the right time.

Imagine how badly you'd feel had you NOT made the decision now but had allowed your horse to go on until he was suffering - and you then were to look back to this time in a few months/years down the line from now, and wished that you had made the decision sooner.........

You were the best owner ever; you did what was right and in letting him go, you gave your horse the best reward you could ever give. He would have understood that.
 
When I read the title of this, even before I’d opened it, I knew what it would be. I had these EXACT same feelings when my mare was PTS, and at the same time in the grief process. She was 29 and I’d owned her since she was 3. Somebody on another forum (who was a vet) basically told me to get a grip. They said that my feelings were pretty stupid as of course I’d made the right decision and wasn’t thinking straight. They could have been kinder but it did make me think and actually they were right. If I hadn’t have done it then (my pony also looked fine) I’d have been doing it a few months down the line with the pony in a heap on the floor. I also made the decision and the deed was done the same day before I could get used to it.

my feelings of guilt passed pretty quickly and were replaced by being quite proud of myself that I’d been brace enough to do the right thing. There was also a small bit of relief that I didn’t have to worry about it anymore.

so yes, you did the right thing and should give yourself credit for doing it.
 
You made the caring, loving, TOUGH but correct decision. Absolutely you would have regretted it if you hadn't. It was the final kindness - you saved him from a downwards spiral of pain and fear, and instead let him go with dignity and love.
 
Thank you all so much. I'm so overwhelmed by all the replies and kind words. They've really helped. This is so much harder than I imagined. I think it's because he has been with me 21 years. I put my old dog to sleep 13 months ago and that was really hard too, but this is so much harder. I guess it's because the dog looked poorly all the time so I knew 100% it was time, whereas the horse looked fab inbetween episodes. But anyway, thank you so much. Hearing your stories has really helped me see I'm not alone and the feelings I'm experiencing are normal x
 
I think you did the right thing but after this, I think its natural to question yourself. I had my old girl put to sleep at the beginning of January. Although it was definitely the right thing to do I also kept questioning myself afterwards. Maybe it's part of grieving x
 
My father had numerous TIAs before he died and I wish I could show you the emails he wrote me when he was having one. They were completely unreadable, garbled garbage. On normal days they were fluent and correctly spelt. One day he poured his gravy onto 'his dinner' before my mother had put the plate on the table in front of him. He would lose the ability to tell the time. He told me that he could see the clock face and the hands but have absolutely no idea what they meant.

You did absolutely the right thing, his confusion if he was having a TIA would have been very frightening to him.
 
You 100% did the right thing. I went through a similar thing with my old girl and beat myself up for months about it, even though deep down I knew I had done the right thing. Let yourself go through the motions and be kind to yourself. Hugs xx
 
You did the right thing by the sound of it.

A transient ischaemic attack (TIA) or "mini stroke" is caused by a temporary disruption in the blood supply to part of the brain. The disruption in blood supply results in a lack of oxygen to the brain. It's also a warning sign that your horse would have had a major stroke before too long. So yes you did the right thing without a doubt.

My friend went through a period of great guilt and despair after she had to have her beloved horse PTS at a horsepital.

It was agreed the horse would be PTS as there was nothing that could be done.The nurse tried to lead her horse into the put down box but the horse was frightened of the box and wouldn't walk in, so my friend took the lead rope from her and because her horse trusted her, he let her lead him gently in to the box and ultimately to his death. She wasn't allowed to even be with him at the end as he had wobblers was so unpredictable on his legs and how he'd fall and the consultant deemed it too dangerous to let her stay.

She felt incredible guilt for weeks afterwards, that he'd trusted her and she'd let him down not just by his death but also not being with him at the end. She ended up on anti-d's because she was so destroyed by what she'd done. Now looking back on it she feels she had done the only thing she could at the time and had actually done him a huge service by agreeing to end his suffering. She can look at photos and videos of them jumping and at shows and things and smile and feel great joy and a sense of peace.

I think you were very brave LL22 and I only hope I can reach a decision like that myself when the time comes for my current horse. Big hugs x
 
I don't think the current situation is helping any of us process things normally and your sense of loss must be magnified by that just now. So many of us on here have been through this - often more than once - and with horses which had not had the benefit of the long life it sounds as if your boy had with you. Mine were 6 and 11. Grief is an insidious and unhelpful emotion when it comes through something for which you are responsible - and that is what you were - the most responsible and loving owner he could have had. During the episodes he must have felt very vulnerable and frightened and it would have been so much worse if a more serious episode had happened when there was no-one around to help. So stand tall and be proud of what you did - and to use a rather overworked phrase at the moment "you are not alone".
 
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