DILEMMA - Please help

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vicm2509

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My friend part loans my horse from me, she pays half the costs and gets to do him half the week. We are best friends and the arrangement works really well, we have lessons on him and bought a box between us so we can take him to shows, we spend a lot of time down there together with him aswell. I admit I seem to work with him more as obviously its in my best interest as he is my horse, where as I spend the whole weekend she just comes and does him as quick as she can. I also get the bad bits of ownership i.e going down every morning to either muck out if hes in or turn him out, I go to get feed in, book time off work for vets, farriers etc etc, buy all the tack, rugs, tools etc.. You get the general idea anyway (not that I mind doing all this btw).

Anyway, we have just started to compete him, I was really keen, she was not as keen. Last year we did local shows and I was really good about it asking which classes she wanted to do and always put her first. This year we have just started dressage on him. Again we have been going to comps when there are 2 prelims on so we can do one each, I always ask her which she wants to do. Usually shes not fussed and we just decide between us.

Problem is we have both qualified for the second round in a test last week. Both on seperate tests. But only one person can enter the horse in the second round. But I really want to take him and so does she. I have only had him since april and this is the first opportunity to do anything bigger than the odd local yard show. Hes come on so much and I feel that I should take him as he is my horse, especially as it was me that wanted to enter in the first place. But there is another comp I want to do later in the year which is also a qualifier and she says we can do one each. Both of which were my idea in the first place.

Am I being selfish or should I put my foot down? Do I deserve so perks of ownership or should I let her take him?

I feel really bad but my mind is telling me that he is my horse and if I really want to take him then I should. I just feel so guilty about telling her.

I have just 12 days to decide, please help
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Whatever you do, one of you is going to be unhappy
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Yes, you own the horse, but she also pays half of everything. If you put your foot down, you will likely alienate your friend. It would be a lot simpler if you both qualified for different things wouldn't it
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Why don't you toss a coin or something
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I think on this occasion you should be the one taking him in the class. At the end of the day he IS your horse and this is his first qualifier. Maybe you could find something your sharer could do at a later date that you offer to groom for so she has him for the whole day rather than sharing?
 
His your horse, and you should do it! Have no guilt trip about it, it's as simple as that,don't beat yourself up about it......just explain nicely that you really would like to do this and in the future she can!
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I would let her take him to anything but im the one that finds the shows and then she decides she wants to come aswell so I let her take him in aswell.

For instance I have no plans for this weekend so if she wanted to take him somewhere then i would happily let her and go with her if she wanted for support and get him ready for her.

Our instructor has told me I should take him but I just feel really bad.

She does pay half but hasnt IMO put in half the work to get him where he is. Nor does she spend the whole day getting him ready when we go anywhere. Im not moaning about this, and dont expect her to be as dedicated to him as he is not hers, I just feel I deserve to take him as I have put so much work and dedication into him.
 
Oh difficult..... he's your's, but if you put your foot down you risk loosing a friend and sharer> Maybe if you explain to her your rationale behind you taking him, (you have schooled him more, you found the qualifier in the first place, you spend more time with him for vets/farriers etc) then she might be able to see it your way.....
 
Very tricky, especially as you have bought a box together - you do not want to have a serious falling out over this. Yes, he is your horse, but you loan him out, so in reality he is only half yours. I don't think you can pull rank over ownership in your situation, but as she is your best friend hopefully she will understand if you tell her that you really, really want to do this test as it is his first one, and she can do the other test. If all else fails, toss for it!
 
I dont think we will fall out over it either way, I just feel really bad if I take him as I know she wants to aswell.

Ive worked so hard to get this far and dedicated so much time to him. Yet I dont want to feel as if im limiting her opportunities. I bought him as I wanted to compete, she part loaned him because she felt like getting back into horses but couldnt be bothered having one full time.

Its not like its a once in a life time opportunity as there is next year aswell, I just really want to take him as its his first time
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Well said Sooty I totally agree with your post and all the more reason why loaning out of horses should include a written loan agreement prior to completion of the loan regardless of how well you know the prospective loanee
Cazx
 
it's his first qualifier - surely you should be a part of it. i would be nice about it but explain it means a lot to you. perhaps suggest that she looks into other comps and you will happily let her take him.
 
If I was part loaning your horse and we both qualified, I would not even consider that it would be me going!

Bit cheeky of your friend to think it should be her as he is YOUR horse.

I would have a chat with her about hoe much this means to you and then decide on what will happen with any future qualifications, so this problem does not arise again.
 
I would be more concerned with getting a written loan agreement sorted first so that in the future your friend knows her position with regard to future competitions and events.
Maybe that is too black and white an issue but if you don't set clear instructions from the beginning then 'grey' areas will have you constantly questioning your loyalty to your friend as well as your own rights as he is in fact your horse at the end of the day.
I would sit down and discuss it with her and say that would like to draw up a loan agreement between the two of you. Yes there can be give and take but make your position clear and that of your friend's. Otherwise if you cannot decide then I'm afraid that in the future you will have to continue taking the rough with the smooth so to speak
Cazx
 
Sharing a horse does have its pitfalls which you have clearly come up against. If you wish to continue the arrangement with your friend and it is otherwise working, then you have to reach an agreement. Do you want to share because its your friend, do you need the financial support to enable you to own the horse? Could it be possible that you jointly buy another horse between you and share them both?

It sounds like she is investing a lot, by sharing the costs and buying a trailer with you. I would look at it from this point of view, if she intend to keep this arrangement be prepared to back down from time to time. There are lots of events throughout the year which you can both do.
 
When I was looking to buy she asked if she could part loan him off me. I agreed as I did need the financial support at the time. She loaned him from day 1. Her OH offered to buy her her own but she said she didnt want the responsibility and commitment of ownership.

I am happy with everything she does and I am not at all fussy over what she does with him (within reason). I do have an agreement which says that I have the final say over which events he goes to, its just I feel bad as I know she wants to go too. I have final say over everything but I do not interfere to much, I just take in what she does and tell her in a lighthearted way if I dont like anything. She takes it on board and corrects it.

Before the test I said I planned to take him and hoped to qualify him. Then she said oh well if you are doing that one I will take him for the other test (there were 2 tests on the day both eligable for qualifying but the next round consists of one test only).

We are such good friends I just dont want to hurt her and dont want her to feel im pushing her out.
 
How do you think she'd react if you just said outright "listen I've been really dwelling on this and feeling very torn, but I REALLY want to take him, but at the same time want you to WANT me to take him?"

She may not realise how much it means to you and may have just been trying to find a way you can both work it between you.

If she realises how much you want it, it sounds to me like she'll more than likely insist you do it! I know I would
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and I've been a sharer
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Sounds dif. But he is you horse! and so you should take the glory. Sounds like you do most of the work!

However who got the highest % that would be fair if you are really determined to find a "fair" way to do it.
 
He is your horse BUT you do need to be careful not to upset her. She can just walk away from the situation leaving you with nobody to help ride your horse. I think you need to talk it over with her so that a bad atmosphere does not arise. If you cannot come to an amicable agreement letting you ride him in the first qualifier and her in the second, then you'll have to toss for it !
 
Since you told her before the test "that you wanted to take him and hopefully qualify", then she should have the good grace to step down. If I was her, I would automatically assume that you would have first say. I know it is difficult, I think I would talk to her and try to get her to understand how you feel as it is his first time.
 
I dont think it will upset her or cause her to walk away from my horse. I just dont know if im being fair in suggesting to her that I take him and not her.

She is more laid back and not as competitive as me, I know for a fact this wont mean as much to her as it does to me, but I dont want to feel as though im taking the opportunity away or being contolling.

I think I am going to tell her how much I want to take him and explain why. If she still wants to take him im going to have to flip a coin.

I know what my contract says and if this was someone who I wasnt such good friends with I would follow it, but its not that easy when its a friend you are dissapointing. She has been my best friend for 10 years now.
 
As a part loaner myself I think she should have the good manners to say that you should go. She is lucky at how well things have worked out so far - I get to go to shows in my situation, but I know that this is secondary to the owner's shows and she would always get first refusal.

Tell her how much you want to go and that you hope she can be happy for you and have her turn next year.
 
I think you should just talk to her and say that you are feeling really torn on this and that you are desperate not to upset her, but it is the very first time that you have qualified the horse for anything and therefore its very very special to you. I think she really will understand. I would suggest saying that if the horse qualifies for another competition she can have the ride. I am sure she will understand, it just needs tact and diplomacy. Good luck!
 
Thanks for all your help. I have decided to tell her how much I want to go and hope she understands.

I will be more than happy for her to take him to anything else, and in future make sure we dont both enter the same qualifier. I will give her first refusal over the next qualifying comp
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If shes really dissapointed then i will toss a coin.
 
I think you need to pull it out of a hat! As an owner then you have final say but if you want the arrangement to continue and it sounds like it suits you, you have to think how your sharer feels too?

I have always been fair to people who share or ride my horses and you may find if you offer it she backs down and asks you to do it!

Do a coin or shortest stick (get someone neutral to do it!!!).

That way its only fair....
 
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