Dilemma: Unhorsey colleague buying daughter a pony...

MsChops said:
I hope so but over the years I'm afraid flippant would be the last word I'd think of for her :)
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:) Well, we can only hope, eh?
As to what you could do, in my opinion, the best approach would be to show enthusiasm, congratulate her and say something along the lines of feeling for her, because sure thing her life will change with the new addition. Appear pleased, supportive and not too full of advice. I think that is the best you can do, really, because if you antagonise her and things do go wrong for the pony, she won't turn to you for help, which you want her to do, in order to safeguard the pony, so to speak.
 
Polotash said:
Teehee, or maybe not, sounds like she's a PITA and seeing her all day at work is quite enough!
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Haha, aw she's not a bad person, just very very impulsive and does things without thinking all the time! I usually find her antics funny but now that the latest one involves a pony I'm on edge to say the least :rolleyes:
Oh and my yard is not only full, but over an hour from their house so Chloe couldn't get the bus (it'd take two hours) Jackie would have to drive - can't see that happening!
 
martlin said:
:) Well, we can only hope, eh?
As to what you could do, in my opinion, the best approach would be to show enthusiasm, congratulate her and say something along the lines of feeling for her, because sure thing her life will change with the new addition. Appear pleased, supportive and not too full of advice. I think that is the best you can do, really, because if you antagonise her and things do go wrong for the pony, she won't turn to you for help, which you want her to do, in order to safeguard the pony, so to speak.
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That's my tactical plan:D
 
TGM said:
I think the main worry is the financial aspect, in that it sounds like the family don't know what they are letting themselves in for financially. Whilst the set up at present sounds good, if they find the costs of keeping the pony are more than they envisaged the pony will probably get moved to a cheaply rented field where there will be no-one to help them, and the pony may suffer as a result.

Can you suggest that she speak to the yard owner and confirm the livery price? Tell her a made up story of someone who bought a horse and found the livery price was much greater than she had assumed? If she will listen, give her a little breakdown of how much things like hoofcare, worming, jabs etc., will cost, rather than just telling her the total of how much your horse costs to keep.
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This sums it up, yes it is not "your business" but I suspect you are more concerned for the long term outcome here, with a pony ending up getting neglected or sold on, I can't imagine "not meeting YO", that to me is bizarre, except in a yard where YO is constanly absent and not concerned about standards [!]
There are people who love to say "Zoe has her own pony" . followed up by .... "we are going to HOYS next year" [once they find out about HOYS]
To me it is a VERY bad start to fall out with everyone on the the yard, it is the childs social life, and fun and games need two to tango.

I did meet someone once who thought the £30 for a stable sounded affordable, I pointed out they needed £8.00 for bedding and £12 for haylage, plus £5.00 for pony nuts,
I did not need to add £200 a year vets, £400 shoes, and so on, a pony for Xmas was no longer available.
 
Miss L Toe said:
This sums it up, yes it is not "your business" but I suspect you are more concerned for the long term outcome here, with a pony ending up getting neglected or sold on, I can't imagine "not meeting YO", that to me is bizarre, except in a yard where YO is constanly absent and not concerned about standards [!]
There are people who love to say "Zoe has her own pony" . followed up by .... "we are going to HOYS next year" [once they find out about HOYS]
To me it is a VERY bad start to fall out with everyone on the the yard, it is the childs social life, and fun and games need two to tango.
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I fear it is so she can say she has her own pony to the other mums on her estate, and to get a dig in at the other mums and girls on the livery yard. I think the daughter is wiser though and hopefully wants to learn. She's had many short-lived expensive hobbies but this one has lasted 7 months so far, so that's promising!

You are spot on in your above point - I know it's not my business but I am concerned for what happens to the pony.
 
Could you not raise your concerns to the YO? I think that "Jackie"'s ability to pay bills (if she is skipping mortgage repayments, commitment to looking after pony (if she moans about taking daughter up there one night a week) would be a major concern. Especially if in legal terms it will be the YO in trouble if the pony does get neglected...
 
Is the pony WORTH £1200?!

It's the falling out with the other liveries that does concern me...no fun for the daughter...and think you can warn your friend to confirm the costs ...ask who else gets to use the pony if livery is only £20 per week..you can say that as a friend you just wanted to make sure this lady has all the facts and no one is pulling a fast one ..
 
everyone has to start somewhere and it could be under much much worse circumstances! Yes the mother sounds naive but the daughter has had lessons, they are on a yard, they have an instructor, the pony is known... sounds ideal actually in comparison to the majority of other stories like this you hear of!

They will learn form their mistakes and I think all you can do is sit back and be a supportive friend who is there to offer advice if they ask for it. As long as the pony’s welfare isnt in question and you are making a huge assumption to worry it may not be, no matter what she says publicly you dont know her financial situation. I think it comes across as rather snotty and superior tbh.
 
pixie said:
Could you not raise your concerns to the YO? I think that "Jackie"'s ability to pay bills (if she is skipping mortgage repayments, commitment to looking after pony (if she moans about taking daughter up there one night a week) would be a major concern. Especially if in legal terms it will be the YO in trouble if the pony does get neglected...
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I think this'd be going too far really - I can't get involved that much. I guess the YO will kick up a fuss if she skips payments for the livery, and maybe that will be enough for her to reconsider... just a question of what becomes of the pony then. :( Hopefully it'd just go to a more suitable home in the end.
 
Luci07 said:
Is the pony WORTH £1200?!

It's the falling out with the other liveries that does concern me...no fun for the daughter...and think you can warn your friend to confirm the costs ...ask who else gets to use the pony if livery is only £20 per week..you can say that as a friend you just wanted to make sure this lady has all the facts and no one is pulling a fast one ..
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No idea if he's worth that much - the main good thing is he's suitable for the daughter at the moment (although she will outgrow him soon).

It is a shame about the other girls on the yard. Pretty sure the livery will be more than £20 a week, she just doesn't know it yet. I've said what I can about meeting the YO/manager first to agree costs but she's sure that's just his home and it'll be fine, not sure what else I can say without coming across as anything other than interested.
 
Hmm I don't think this is the worst situation when it comes to buying a pony and it does sound like the little girl is keen to learn - I read all my horse books cover to cover all the time at that age and probably knew more than I do now, shame I had no pony!

I can see why you're concerned about the financial aspect though and the fact she has seemed quite vague! I hope the current owner has the livery in mind, hopefully she knows they are planning to do that and has at least mentioned it to the YO!

20 a week for DIY sounds alright depending where you are? Obviously there are all the other costs but I don't think it'll be 500 a month for a kids pony. If I paid that for livery instead of my grass plus bedding I'd probably still be under 250? Still not an amount to be sniffed at I know.
 
I wouldn't worry too much. If we get another very cold winter I can guarantee the novelty of owning a pony will wear off double quick when they have to drive through a foot of snow on untreated roads in an ordinary hatchback like I did and their boots freeze to the yard while they are filling water buckets. There is nothing like a nasty winter to sort the wheat from the chaff. Having to pay the YO to do the pony when they can't (or won't) attend as per the above will soon mount up and they will be broke like the rest of us :)
 
An off the wall suggestion but, you dont suppose shes buying a "share" in him, rather than buying outright? I only ask as my cousin did this many moons ago, she wanted something to compete on & she went halves with someone she knew (well, her mum did, my cousin was only about 13 at the time). It would explain all the "its his home" & the lack of needing to meet the yard owner etc.
On another note are they they sort of people who take lots of holidays? Might be worth pointing out that they wont be able to go anywhere once they own a horse or if they do they will have to pay extra for someone to look after it while they are away.
 
I dont think OP is being snotty at all.

A young child having a horse on DIY livery that a non-horsey parent will have to take them to twice a day is a reasonable concern.

If the pony was going to be kept on full/working livery where child didnt have to take care of the pony would be far less of a concern.

Obviously the money aspect could be quite worrying at times as well!
 
I can understand your dilemma. Book good idea, but your the ponys best hope of not falling off the radar if she moves him. Can't be fun riding where you get on with no-one, so a move wouldn't be a surprise.

Try to take half a step back, & say to her you remember how many questions you had when you took on your first horse, so if she ever feels the need to ask you'll do your best with an answer. If she thinks your onher case or she feels small in front of you she may stop asking the who knows what they'll do if they aren't in a yard. If she finds you supportive (not agreeing with the purchasse but not judgemental) then she will be more likely to come to you. At least then you can offer constructive advice or in worse case senario of neglect report it because you know what is going on.

Difficult situation, well done on the tongue biting.
 
navaho said:
An off the wall suggestion but, you dont suppose shes buying a "share" in him, rather than buying outright? I only ask as my cousin did this many moons ago, she wanted something to compete on & she went halves with someone she knew (well, her mum did, my cousin was only about 13 at the time). It would explain all the "its his home" & the lack of needing to meet the yard owner etc.
On another note are they they sort of people who take lots of holidays? Might be worth pointing out that they wont be able to go anywhere once they own a horse or if they do they will have to pay extra for someone to look after it while they are away.
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No she is buying him outright, including tack. The owner wants fully rid of him as she can't afford to loan/share him out anymore and her daughter isn't interested in him. I'm afraid the it's his home etc is from lack of knowledge.

They go on holiday quite a lot yes - in fact they have been to Turkey this year and have booked to go again near Chrimbo. I can't see them placing pony above holidays, cars, new trainers (Jackie has four credit cards to keep her youngest son in the latest trackies and trainers - he's 10 and rules the roost to say the least!) etc... the pony will come last, which is my concern. She already doesn't like it and says it bit her once. However, the daughter is much more keen, so hopefully her influence on Jackie will win over.
 
wench said:
I dont think OP is being snotty at all.

A young child having a horse on DIY livery that a non-horsey parent will have to take them to twice a day is a reasonable concern.

If the pony was going to be kept on full/working livery where child didnt have to take care of the pony would be far less of a concern.

Obviously the money aspect could be quite worrying at times as well!
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Thanks. I really am the last person to be snotty towards anyone. I work with some real nutters and Jackie is nothing compared - she's actually nice, and I don't want her to be in any more £££ trouble than she already is.

Sadly we live in a consumer-driven world where people feel pressure to buy more than they can afford and flash cars and gadgets are easily gotten on credit - so many people have this attitude of deal with the consequences later, and when it becomes a worry just get hammered and forget it! Fine by me as long as no one comes to any harm but I worry that the pony will end up bearing the brunt of an ill-informed decision :(
 
pip6 said:
I can understand your dilemma. Book good idea, but your the ponys best hope of not falling off the radar if she moves him. Can't be fun riding where you get on with no-one, so a move wouldn't be a surprise.

Try to take half a step back, & say to her you remember how many questions you had when you took on your first horse, so if she ever feels the need to ask you'll do your best with an answer. If she thinks your onher case or she feels small in front of you she may stop asking the who knows what they'll do if they aren't in a yard. If she finds you supportive (not agreeing with the purchasse but not judgemental) then she will be more likely to come to you. At least then you can offer constructive advice or in worse case senario of neglect report it because you know what is going on.

Difficult situation, well done on the tongue biting.
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That's what I said - I've said that if all the girls at the yard are being cows, Chloe's welcome to ask me anything to avoid them being mean to her (although secretly I feel it's Jackie who caused the problem and the girls are probably fine). I am being very tactful in what I say to keep Jackie on side and hopefully carefully help out. It would, however, take a lot to make her feel small I think! She's extremely thick skinned and can be aggressive, especially when drinking, I wouldn't like to get on the wrong side of her haha!
 
Can you drop in a few enthusiastic reminisences (they don't need to be true!) e.g the time you were up all night with a pony with colic, 5am starts to shows, the time your wellie came off in the mud & you couldn't find it until spring etc. All delivered with a gushing "Chloe is so lucky to be getting her own pony, it's such a wonderful life style it'll make up for all the missed holidays"
 
hairycob said:
Can you drop in a few enthusiastic reminisences (they don't need to be true!) e.g the time you were up all night with a pony with colic, 5am starts to shows, the time your wellie came off in the mud & you couldn't find it until spring etc. All delivered with a gushing "Chloe is so lucky to be getting her own pony, it's such a wonderful life style it'll make up for all the missed holidays"
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Mwahaha! :D I'm giving it a rest as am busy with work. She'll mention it after lunch I'm sure. Will begin horror stories! Tbh I have several true ones! At the same time, don't want to totally put her off for the poor daughter's sake!
 
I think it's a bit harsh saying its non of your business. The op clearly is just looking out for the pony's welfare. I don't know what to suggest though. It will never just be £20 a week , even if that's the price of livery! Maybe ask her who she's insuring with and who her farrier is? To see if she's actually aware if these things?!
 
dumpling said:
I think it's a bit harsh saying its non of your business. The op clearly is just looking out for the pony's welfare. I don't know what to suggest though. It will never just be £20 a week , even if that's the price of livery! Maybe ask her who she's insuring with and who her farrier is? To see if she's actually aware if these things?!
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Already asked - she didn't know you could have insurance. She didn't know what a farrier is, but asked Chloe who said he comes to do all liveries at once and cost is split. Doesn't know how much it is though. She also didn't know whether food and bedding is included in the livery, or if the field he is in overnight will be part of it.
 
The more I read, the more worried I get about this poor pony. If it is on DIY does she realise that she needs to go up at least once a day, preferably twice? Is the pony to be stabled during the winter? Who is going to muck out, turn out, bring in? If out 24/7, who is going to make sure it gets hay in the winter or that the ice is broken on the water troughs? Who is going to liase with the farrier, and be there when it is shod? Who is going to arrange jabs with vet, the dentist? Who is going to check that its tack fits? :eek:
 
Wagtail said:
The more I read, the more worried I get about this poor pony. If it is on DIY does she realise that she needs to go up at least once a day, preferably twice? Is the pony to be stabled during the winter? Who is going to muck out, turn out, bring in? If out 24/7, who is going to make sure it gets hay in the winter or that the ice is broken on the water troughs? Who is going to liase with the farrier, and be there when it is shod? Who is going to arrange jabs with vet, the dentist? Who is going to check that its tack fits? :eek:
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These have been racing through my mind all night. I had hoped people wouldn't just say it's none of my business, her money etc. Glad I've had some good advice and some do agree I'm right to feel worried.

She knows it has to be every day - no idea how it'll work in winter when her daughter can't get the bus (too dark too early - they live in a very unsafe area and she can't be walking alone at night). He's out at night and stabled in the day from what I can work out.

My main fear is things like dentist, farrier, vet - they'll all expect someone to have basic knowledge to describe either what is wrong (if J and C can spot it!) or what they want doing (if either of them know!) :(

Am guessing tack fits, as it comes with him, but apparently another livery aged 17 borrows it without asking regularly (one of the 'horsey b*tches') to put on her horse. Who is 'massive'. Seems very odd. Jackie has already told her if she thinks she's still borrowing it when he belongs to them she's got another thing coming (or words to that effect).
 
Would there be any way it could go on working livery? It wouldn't cost much more and would guarantee the pony was looked after..

Could you go up with them at the weekend to help them organise perhaps?

Sorry - it didn't come across as that big a deal in your earlier posts..
 
Honey08 said:
Would there be any way it could go on working livery? It wouldn't cost much more and would guarantee the pony was looked after..

Could you go up with them at the weekend to help them organise perhaps?

Sorry - it didn't come across as that big a deal in your earlier posts..
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Not sure they could afford it, but then again not sure they can afford DIY either, so am sure will turn out someone else looking after pony half the time somehow. I foresee loans galore and more credit cards, but as long as pony is ok...

Sadly I can't drive so can't get to their yard as it's far from where I live and away from public transport. I also don't feel we are close enough as colleagues/friends for me to invite myself over, even if I get as close as I can on the train then taxi over... would be too weird and imposing.
 
If I were in your shoes, I would offer to come and have a look at the pony for them and help them sort things out. They may well say they're fine, but at least I'd feel I'd tried...
 
Honey08 said:
If I were in your shoes, I would offer to come and have a look at the pony for them and help them sort things out. They may well say they're fine, but at least I'd feel I'd tried...
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I have offered to go over to show them how to feed/groom/catch etc. She said it's fine, Chloe will sort it all out when they have paid for him. I have my fingers crossed it works out ok...
 
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