DIY + young baby = stress

noblesteed

noblesteed

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Hi all
I posted a week or so ago about jacking horses in completely and I am getting closer to that decision. I had a baby boy 8 weeks ago after being very ill through pregnancy and having a traumatic birth. I have one horse at a DIY yard, he is on loan to a 14 year old girl who dotes on him and lives round the corner, I am going up twice a week to help/check/see horse. The other people on the yard told me they would help when I originally said I was pregnant but have completely taken over. I did at the time say I would send him off on loan but they insisted they would help. It's got to the point where I cannot go up to the yard without an atmosphere, being told I am doing something wrong or having to explain my every action (or that's how I feel). The horse recently became ill due to said adults removing his grazing muzzle against my wishes, though he is almost better now.

I just wonder, can people realistically tell me if it's possible to manage a horse on DIY and a young baby? I have nobody to help me any more, other than the loaner girl and it's not fair to expect her to do everything. I have instructed her to turn him out so we can take turns checking on him for now. I cannot sleep because I am worrying about the horse, my husband is furious but is non-horsey so doesn't really understand. It's not fair on my little boy to have a stressed-out mummy. I can't face the hassle of moving yards, finding a new sharer etc and I can't afford full livery at the moment. All that seems to happen on yards is that it takes a couple of years and then everyone falls out. My only option is to try and patch it up with the adults that are at the yard but I can't even face that. I am going to see the doctor this week to find out if it IS all me being difficult and if I have a bit of PND.

Does it get any easier or shall I sell up now? Horse is fab but is now 13 - so he will have to go sooner rather than later.
 
Hi firstly having a new baby is hard work without a horse thrown in to the mix! think its a good idea to talk to your gp to give you once over ,its very hard for someone to know themselves if they have pnd. i think once youve got yourself sorted out a bit things maybe wont seem too bad. could your loaner take over totally till september? you may well be feeling much better by then and see things in a clearer light ..((((hugs)))))
 
I have a six month old and have my horse on diy. He's out on 24 hour turnout tboug. My friend and i take it in turns to check on them or i pay one of the girls to look in on him. Could you maybe keep yours out 24/7?
 
I shan't pretend it's easy, as it's not. I've done it twice over now.

In the early weeks your hormones are everywhere anyway, much as you say they're not, you'll look back in 6 months and realise you were feeling ultra sensitive. The feelings of depression and being overwhelmed after having a baby are normal.

I have small baby with me when I do the yard, and no car (as OH needs it for work) which means a long walk or two bus rides.

I moved to a small private yard (rented with others, but no YM- YO lives miles away, and no politics) and stick to grass livery. The rule is, whoever's up checks them all, and at least one of us is up every few hours.
There's no time for mucking out and riding at the moment, but that doesn't matter. I bring in, groom, feed and chuck out again. I've honed this down to 15 minutes. I do this once a day. I poo pick when baby's asleep (I have wireless baby monitors and bagged the field next to the school).

Once baby's in a routine (by about 12 weeks) you'll be able to time yard with sleeps, and do it that way.
Grass livery / private yard was best thing I ever did as the other girls are mums too and totally understand that some days I don't get round to poo picking or that some days OH just chucks a bucket of feed over the fence and checks they're still breathing. If I've been up all night or it's gale force winds that's the best we can hope for! Horses are happy being out in good quality rugs etc. Some weekends I palm the baby off with OH and go and spend a couple of hours up there just pottering, cathcing up with jobs and having some 'me' time.
I don't care who thinks I'm irresponsible / neglectful / whatever, this suits us to a tee and having been able to keep the horses has kept me sane if anything! I had PND when I gave them up with a previous baby.

Maybe you could do a deal with another mum that you'll do theirs two days a week if they do yours two days a week? It'll give you both a break.
 
hi my friend did it with a new baby and 2 horses on diy who were in at night all yr round! her little man is now 2 and loves being down the yard helping muck out and make feeds! Have a little faith in yourself and to hell with the people who are putting you down!!!

Good luck xx
 
Sorry you are going through a tough time, it is a very emotional time lots of ups and downs but congratulations! We have just had a little boy too and he will be 10 weeks tomorrow. I have had a busy few weeks, have sold one horse and bought another but they are both out at grass on complete DIY so I am there twice a day usually with my baby sleeping at the gate or helping me do jobs in the carrier and like Lucky Lady if the weather is crap I can just do a quick check of them and make sure they are well. I dont have to feel guilty if I miss a day or two pooh picking as can make up for it at the weekend when hubby has some quality time with our baby. Could your horse not live out anywhere suitable? But both of my horses are with me for life and part of the family and we have no yard politics to put up with. At the end of your post you say he is 13 so has to go sooner then later I am guessing you don't plan on keeping him anyway so maybe it is better to sell him now if you are not enjoying him and your time together? Maybe just have a chat with people at the yard about how you feel too, if they were so willing to help you they can't be too bad perhaps just more communication is needed between you all? Hope you resolve it all soon so you can enjoy your baby and horse :)
 
I think it's definitely possible to manage but you just need to plan ahead.

Firstly, I'm sure their help is greatly appreciated but he is not their horse he is yours. So them giving you orders and takin over is totally unacceptable. Do you pay them?

If you could afford part DIY would you consider it? With perhaps only the yard staff seeing to the horse rather then other liveries. That way what you say goes and they will assist as required not interfere.

Another option is maybe full loan to someone for a few months? Or move to a different yard where they can either assist you more or you can turnout 24/7? This would probably be as massive help as no mucking out etc...

I haven't had a baby so can't image the dilemma but people do make it work so there's no reason why you can't too :)

Look into other options, but all I'll say is you should be happy and not uncomfortable to go and see your horse daily. It's your hobby and you have every right to enjoy it and not let other people ruin it, plus I'm sure you have enough going on with a newborn.

Personally, if I'm not happy on a yard I'll look elsewhere but that's just me.
 
Hi - this wont help but might make your jaw drop open. My friend has a 14 yr old , and 11 year old and a 6month old baby. (yikes!!) she also has 23 horses and is now in the midst of foaling time with 3 foals born and 6 more due.!!! she has no help other than me occasionally (I`ve got 3 horses). her husband works but fair dues he does his bit around the farm as well. (forgot to mention the sheep and chickens,lol). Baby travels around in a back pack quite happily. Only the 3 stallions live in, the rest live out. It can be done but its dam hard work. Hold on in there cos in 6 months time you might find everything slots into place. good luck.
 
I had my little girl last August and my mare is on a DIY yard. The YO was very helpful and i didn't have to make the second daily trip before baby arrived so long as everything was ready it was fine. After she was born they did my horse for three weeks full livery and then I took her back and went up once a day. I can muck out, do feeds, water and nets in 25mins which was plenty of time for baby to fall asleep on the 10min drive for the morning nap to occur in the car. I just had to school myself to fit in with baby, so went up at 9am rather than as soon as possible, as you would normally before work or whatever. Now the little monkey won't sleep but she can choose so often plays in the car instead, I leave the radio on for her and she is quite content for the most part.

Have you got a sling? You can hire them from the surestart centres or HV. They are great for keeping baby with you while you do basic stuff and you can't always have the pram on the yard when there are other horses about but don't muck out in them!

This strategy has worked for 9months and I was breast feeding throughout. There have been feeds up there but only a few, several nappies but I always take bag with me, even to the local shops as you often end up needing a muslin anyway! Having a baby is hard work and it does take you time to adjust. You will be sensitive about being critisized because you are probably feeling more vunreable as a first time mum anyway. The best way to get through to the people who keep nit-picking is to gently repeat everything 100 times because they are not listerning even though it looks like it, move to quiet insistance if that doesn't work because they are only trying to help so putting their noses out of joint won't acheive anything and probably make your situation worse.

Make use of your sharer, she sounds helpful, it is not forever so don't feel guilty and work yourself back up to doing more as slowly was you want. I am sure people will be cross with me but it is only a horse, your little boy is far far more important and you don't want to miss out on anything. Having said that you need time away from baby to be yourself, you will only need a couple of hours this will help with any PND symptoms(the Doc my suggest as much). My husband looks after my daughter in the mornings at weekends so I can ride, he was nervious to start with but absolutly loves his "daddy time" now, can your ,man not do the same?

Hope some of that helps, try to worry less and bond with baby! It takes time, Babies are such a resposibilty and it does come as a shock, you will adjust! x
 
First, STOP Worrying :)

It is hard work especially as you have not been well, I second going to see your doctor, the first 12 weeks are really hard, but them it all seems to slot into place, so relax and enjoy.

Ina way it is easier to do DIY when they are babies, as they stay where you put them :D, can you feed baby , have a little you time, them take baby with you.

I will be honest , I did send my boy away on loan, regretted it ever since, but mine are at home, so i really did not have any help at all.

Turn him out, he will be fine , honest, then all you have to do is make sure he is watered and fed if needs be.

Good luck, but please go and see your doctor, I did, there is no shame in it, and it did help.

Good luck, and enjoy these first few weeks, in no time, he will be 6 with a smart mouth, and you will be wishing he was 8weeks old again :D
 
Er yes, it's easy! Pony is out muzzled so needs checking minimum twice daily- lets assume you go and look at him, so you walk/use transport which gives baby an outing, secure baby in pram/carrier and check pony, then go home again. A pony living out won't take more then 5, 10 minutes to check daily so not a big rush and on a day when you have more energy you coudlg room/etc. Don't see why it would be a problem tbh?
 
Thanks very much everyone! I am hoping (fingers crossed) that now horse has been allowed to go back out 24/7 that nobody on the yard decides to bring him in (this may happen!!!), that he stays sound and the vet says he can be reshod and all will be fine with horse. I want to start riding again in the next couple of weeks, sharer is reliable and OH is happy to look after baby for me so that's not a problem. I do love my horse, when I fell pregnant selling the horse was never an option, I couldn't go through with it.

I just don't think I will cope if I go up and get a load of hassle off other people! I don;t even know if I am being illogical... Like you all say having a baby makes you very sensitive, tiredness doesn't help either. I am terrified of having a run-in because if I am caught 'off guard' and they have a go at me I don't know how I will react!! And if I say something that really upsets them then I will HAVE to move the horse.
 
What on earth are they having a go at you for? Bit out of order from my POV. I'd have thought they'd be at their most helpful right now, maybe you just need to lay down the law (gently) to them and remind them that you are hugely grateful for their help but he is your horse!
 
SusieT said:
Er yes, it's easy! Pony is out muzzled so needs checking minimum twice daily- lets assume you go and look at him, so you walk/use transport which gives baby an outing, secure baby in pram/carrier and check pony, then go home again. A pony living out won't take more then 5, 10 minutes to check daily so not a big rush and on a day when you have more energy you coudlg room/etc. Don't see why it would be a problem tbh?
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What might not be a problem for some, could be for others.

OP, I used to cart my son around in a back-pack. Couldn't do it now, if I fell pregnant (ain't gonna happen!) again, then I'm afraid I'd be more than likely giving up the horses and go back to them later on in my life.

BUT I managed and got through it, it DOES get easier!
 
IT's the other liveries are a problem-so just ignore them! If they have a go say I'm doing it this way because it is what is best for my pony. Thank you foy your help in the past but I am now doing him again. Oh, that's the baby. best be off!
 
I'm going to go against the grain & say unless you are ill or have pnd, a baby & a horse on diy isn't a problem. I went through a divorce whilst pregnant & moved to a new area. No family, no oh, & no longstanding friends nearby to ask for help except one. Just me, a baby, two dogs & a horse. The friend did my horse & dogs for first few days, then up till daughter was 2 weeks old she did turnout & bring in, I went up at some point & mucked out. Then at 2 weeks old all back to normal. Only ever used a nursery when I went back to work, and always stayed ahead on favours at the yard, so that if I did need a favour I wasn't taking advantage. Plenty of non horsey Mums manage the school run for an older child, a toddler & a newborn without help, which is far more work than a baby & a horse, especially if its out 24/7 which mine wasn't. I really think you should find out if you have pnd if you are finding it difficult to cope.
As for the people on the yard, taking the muzzle off & being rude isn't on, but if 8 weeks later I was still looking after someones horse for free, with no explanation, eg pnd, ill mum/ baby I would feel they were taking advantage.
 
Everybody copes differently, so what may not be a problem for one person, could be difficult for another. Depends on the individual.

OP I have a now 2 year old and 1 horse. FWIW, I would look into the idea of moving to an assisted DIY yard if you cant quite afford full. That way you will have paid staff looking after your horse, and the sharer on her days, who will have to go by your orders, and not a group of opinionated interfering DIY'ers. That way it will also take the personal pressure off you, and leave you to relax with baby.

If my OH is working long hours and unable to look after daughter, I combine my PM yard visit with daughters nap time, she naps in the car for up to 2 hours and I park outside the stable. In that time I will have brushed and schooled her. If I have not already mucked out early morning then I do this too. That way I am happy that while shes peacefully asleep and content, I have managed to get jobs done. if she wakes up then she comes out of the car and 'helps' out filling water buckets/playing with brushes etc :). She loves being on the yard.

I am on assisted DIY on a large yard, but also very lucky to have some good friends down there too, and there is always someone about to keep an eye :)

It will get easier, once baby is in a more settled routine, and summer is coming which means more daylight hours for you
 
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