Do you ever feel guilty how much time you spend with horsey instead of OH?

debsey1

debsey1

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The trouble is, the boyfriend came before the horse. My day runs like military from 6am to 7.30pm and thats if I don't ride! If I ride after work I don't get home till 8.30 9pm and that's a quick hack. Weekends I get down the yard early afternoon, hack out back home for 6pm while OH plays Golf and this is 365 days a year. No problem on my part, my horse is very much part of my life but OH is starting to resent the amount of time I spend down the yard and it's becoming a problem.

At the beginning of our relationship it was just me, him and the dogs everything was blissful although I was a golf widow at weekends, so after lots of thought, time and searching I bought my first horse (he wasn't so keen he probably for-saw the problems ahead) and I've been really happy although it's hard work but a nice hard work. However, everytime we bicker or row it always ends with I am spending too much time with the horse and thats why things aren't getting done in the house, time with him etc. It really gets me down when I try so hard to get everything done, spreading myself thin. He works hard too having 2 jobs. He would never suggest me selling him and I wouldn't. Where do we go from here?

Everytime/hour I spend with my horse I am starting to feel guilty that I should be spending it with him. Oh woe, are we heading for the slippery slope?
 
Yes, but not because my OH would ever, ever say anything. He loves that the horses make me happy and so that makes me feel worse! Anywho, not really relevant here as not the same as your situation

Can you not cut back at all? I have two on DIY livery and don't spend that long at the yard..
Could he come with you sometimes? If it's nice weather my OH quite likes coming to hang out whilst I muck pick etc as we get to have a good natter.
 
Will he reduce the time he plays golf? Golf clubs can also be put away and wont starve whereas a horse will starve if not let out to eat, become unwell if not let out or ridden, dogs need exercise.

If he was mine I would question if he was looking for excuses i.e. is something else taking his fancy and he needs an excuse for that or is he genuinely feeling left out, so could you involve him but explaining that whilst you are away at the yard it is not that you want to be away from him, it is because that is what it takes to keep animals healthy, could you involve him more? You need to look at what is important in your life, I know if it were mine it would be the animals, because as you have already said you were a golf widow before, a leopard does not change its spots, trust me, good luck.
 
In answer to your question, no I never feel guilty. But we are lucky enough (now) to have the horses at home. However when I had him on livery and both myself and my partner were working full time it was definitely harder.
He never made me feel bad, but I sometimes felt a bit mean not spending much time with him.
My suggestion would be, either get him involved in horses (I know, not easy) or could you find someone to do your horse for you one or two nights a week, and on those nights have 'date night' it sounds a bit cliche but I find even if it's just one night a week, you don't have to go out, just make a nice dinner, turn the TV off and have a proper chat, have a couple of gins, spruce yourself up (it's the one day of the week I try not to smell of horse and have hay in my hair) it really helps to make him feel loved and you feel like a good Wife/ girlfriend.
Other than that, I don't have much to offer, it's hard on horsey husbands sometimes.
 
Does he feel guilty for the amount of time he spends on the golf course?? Hmm, thought not.

Same situation as you with my OH. He has loads of hobbies and about a year after moving in with him and getting fed up with either sitting around on my own or joining him in his (uninteresting to me) hobbies, I bought a horse. It has worked out quite well with us, allowing us both 'me' time, so that when we are together doing stuff it is really quality time.

That said, I do plan my life (like you) with military precision so that I maximise the amount of time I spend with OH. And he is extremely supportive of my hobby.

Maybe a few ideas you could look at:
1. is there any way you could get someone to put your horse to bed maybe one evening a week, to give you some time to spend with OH?
2. is there a yard nearer to you or with better and more convenient facilities, meaning you don't take so long while you are there?
3. could you structure your morning jobs so that you have less to do in the evenings and can then get home earlier (eg filling loads of haynets / making feeds up in advance etc)?
4. could you ride in the mornings sometimes so that you are freer in the evenings? I do this in winter because I can't get into the indoor school at night. Makes for a hellish early morning, but the joy is that I'm done and off the yard by 7pm at night and home in front of the fire by 7.15 :)

Your BF may just be feeling a bit insecure that you've suddenly got this hobby that's taking you away from him. He might 'settle' in time when he realises you're not going to run off with the farrier or anything...
 
I do, but I told him when we first got together that the horse was in my life to stay and I would understand if he didn't like it as its a massive commitment. He's now hubby so can't have hated it that much ;) but we do still have the odd discussion about time spent and how life revolves around the horse :rolleyes: Having said that, when I had my old lad PTS I was going to take some time out but he told me not to...!

I have now moved to part livery and the idea was that it freed me up a couple of evenings a week but I love it so much that I'm spending even more time at the yard ;) :D That can't carry on though (unless I fancy a divorce)! Hubby also works v long hours so I think the actual issue is that he has to get home and then do the jobs in the house rather than come in and have a beer.. He'd never admit that though ;) :p
 
Flicker said:
Does he feel guilty for the amount of time he spends on the golf course?? Hmm, thought not.

Same situation as you with my OH. He has loads of hobbies and about a year after moving in with him and getting fed up with either sitting around on my own or joining him in his (uninteresting to me) hobbies, I bought a horse. It has worked out quite well with us, allowing us both 'me' time, so that when we are together doing stuff it is really quality time.

That said, I do plan my life (like you) with military precision so that I maximise the amount of time I spend with OH. And he is extremely supportive of my hobby.

Maybe a few ideas you could look at:
1. is there any way you could get someone to put your horse to bed maybe one evening a week, to give you some time to spend with OH?
2. is there a yard nearer to you or with better and more convenient facilities, meaning you don't take so long while you are there?
3. could you structure your morning jobs so that you have less to do in the evenings and can then get home earlier (eg filling loads of haynets / making feeds up in advance etc)?
4. could you ride in the mornings sometimes so that you are freer in the evenings? I do this in winter because I can't get into the indoor school at night. Makes for a hellish early morning, but the joy is that I'm done and off the yard by 7pm at night and home in front of the fire by 7.15 :)

Your BF may just be feeling a bit insecure that you've suddenly got this hobby that's taking you away from him. He might 'settle' in time when he realises you're not going to run off with the farrier or anything...
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Thank you for all your relies and sugestions.

Flicker: I live 1/2 hr away from the yard, it is convenient as it's on the way to work. I am very organised in the mornings getting thing done for the evening.
I have tried riding in the mornings but it is a killer getting up at 5am as I also have to walk the dogs first before anything. OH walks them at the end of the day.
I have talked my mum to doing the odd evening shift for me as she lives nearby and she is happy to help but I have to bear in mind that she is approaching 70 and I don't want to impose to much especially as its been so muddy & wet.
The winter won't be to bad as I'll have to pay YO to bring him in every night as she requests that they are all in by 4pm.
It's the here and now that bugs me, I have the long light evenings to ride and he complains that there is no tea!!!
 
No never :) not much help sorry! I would expect my OH to get his own tea if he was hungry! I work too and it's not my responsibility to feed him!!
 
I can't decide wether I am lucky with my OH or if he is trying to get me out of the house! When my loan horse had to be PTS he pushed for me to buy one as soon as possible and trawled the ads looking for ones for me to go and see. When I fell in love with a miniature foal last year he was more than happy to buy her for me and when my big horses wouldn't accept her in the field with them he bought another miniature to keep my foal company! As to you feeling guilty, have you thought about both of you doing your own things earlier on the weekend so that you will have the rest of the day together. Perhaps he could help you with the stable duties on some evenings a week so that you are spending time together. You could suggest that he buys a horse of his own instead of playing golf!
 
If it's nice weather my OH quite likes coming to hang out whilst I muck pick etc as we get to have a good natter.
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Not guilty as such...but it's a toughie...in winter, I get up at 5am to ride before work. In summer, I ride in the evenings after work, but won't get home before 9.30pm, so mostly he ends up cooking for both of us. I recognise that that's unfair...so in near future, I shall try and move His Lordship the Pony a bit closer to home so I can spend a bit more time with the OH and less time on the road.
 
Nope, he does his thing and i do mine, we meet in the middle regularly enough
Hes away to the wicker man festival this weekend, and ive got the house to myself yeeeehaaaa !! :D:D
Im off to the olympics at the end of the month with my mates, then hes got another festival somewhere, he has his motorbike and ive got my horses, he does his concerts, yoga and stuff and i watch the tv and trawl around the equestrian events, we've been together 27 yrs, so somethings working :D
 
No! Life's too short to feel guilty. Women are very good at it too (feeling guilty that is) whereas men seem to have an innate ability to a) never feel guilty and b) make women feel bad.

My OH is always windsurfing but that never bothers me. I have the horses at home but he is not involved with their care apart from occasional field maintenance but I do most of it. OH and I share all domestic tasks. He's incredibly well trained & cooks, washes clothes, cleans etc. He is also a teacher so only works about 8 months of the year and works much shorter hours than me so I expect him to do more as does he.

If you rode in the morning yes, you would have to get up earlier but would have more time to spend with your OH in the evenings. It's all about compromise. ;)
 
Crugeran Celt said:
I can't decide wether I am lucky with my OH or if he is trying to get me out of the house! When my loan horse had to be PTS he pushed for me to buy one as soon as possible and trawled the ads looking for ones for me to go and see. When I fell in love with a miniature foal last year he was more than happy to buy her for me and when my big horses wouldn't accept her in the field with them he bought another miniature to keep my foal company! As to you feeling guilty, have you thought about both of you doing your own things earlier on the weekend so that you will have the rest of the day together. Perhaps he could help you with the stable duties on some evenings a week so that you are spending time together. You could suggest that he buys a horse of his own instead of playing golf!
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I am now laughing! I did suggest he buys a horse but at 6.2 and 17st it would have to be a bloody big one!

It wouldn't be feasible for him to help me on a week day night because of the distance involved however, he could at weekends but oh no, he has his golf!

Oh well, we'll just have to plod on until such time he either gets use to it or we split up :(
 
At the moment I don't feel guilty because OH has been in Afghanistan for four months, so I've had unlimited horse time. When he comes home I know the balance will swing the other way, and as my boyfriend is positively anti-horse, it becomes a fine balancing act of spending time with both of them. Yes, there's quite a substantial amount of guilt!
 
marydoll said:
Nope, he does his thing and i do mine, we meet in the middle regularly enough
Hes away to the wicker man festival this weekend, and ive got the house to myself yeeeehaaaa !! :D:D
Im off to the olympics at the end of the month with my mates, then hes got another festival somewhere, he has his motorbike and ive got my horses, he does his concerts, yoga and stuff and i watch the tv and trawl around the equestrian events, we've been together 27 yrs, so somethings working :D
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He was away for 2 night at The Open so I was riding to my hearts content. I just think at the beginning of our relationship he had me to himself, he always knew where I was (at home!) and he liked it that way. Now, I am spreading myself thin and I am always tired.
 
Buy a slow cooker - prep evening meal the night before, stick it on when you leave in the morning and have dinner waiting in it for him! One less thing for him to moan about!

my OH is very understanding ... but I'm a SAHM so often have my jobs done up the yard etc before hubby gets in from work at 8pm.

at the weekends we have a 'rule' that in the mornings I will be back by 10.30am - the amount of time I get to spend with the horse depends on how early I get up! Then the rest of the day we do what we would like to as a family. If hubby went to golf regularly, then I would utilise that time to be with the horses and aim my return to the house to match his time.

Life is about give and take - if all he's doing is taking, then that's not fair.
 
In answer to the thread title, that would be a resounding No!

My husband has a clean bed, clean clothes, clean (but not always tidy) house and food in the oven when he comes home. If he complains then tough luck, do it yourself bucko - I may not go out to work but I jolly well work at home. I actually really don't care if he likes me spending time with my horses or not, he can always go find himself another wife ...

Actually some days I spend so much time doing other stuff that my own horses don't get much of a look in at all.
 
Yes. When I first got my girl it was a bit of a shock, you know the type of shock you get when you have a baby; you think it will be fine and it is BUT you didnt realise juggling everything would be so hard. In hindsight I brought at a silly time. I had two boys eighteen months apart and the youngest was one.

After two, nearly three years of having my lovely girl, Im finally working things out with how to work around my lovely husband. Its been a long and frustrating road but both boys are nearly in school now and youngest goes to pre school of a morning. I don't have a job which I guess makes things easier in that when the boys are both in school/pre school, I have time to do my stuff with horsey. In the earlier it was really hard and my hubby found it a shock that I would be out most evenings and up at six to muck out and getback before the boys awake.

I can see it being a strain on a relationship as it really was on ours but now things are getting easier because Ive found my way and have more time with the youngest about to reach another milestone.

Felt so guilty all the time esp on weekends if hubby would say 'go off and ride'. Because I feel so guilty I dont ride at the weekends anymore but do all y stuff in the week when hubs is at work. He is a teacher so in the summer hols my girl gets a break or I ride of an evening.

Its hard but if OH is off golfing all the time then why have a go at you. A horse cant be dropped like golf clubs can.

Is he jealous? My hubby openly admits that he doesnt want me to get anymore animals because of the affection I give them and I am already stretched very thinly between him, boys and horsey.
 
My hubby openly admits that he doesnt want me to get anymore animals because of the affection I give them and I am already stretched very thinly between him, boys and horsey.[/QUOTE]

My OH said a few years back that he would leave if I had any more animals so I text him one day to say that his bags were packed and I had bought a springer puppy! Needless to say both OH and springer are still under the same roof and OH loves the dog. Since then I have had the two miniatures as well but OH does know he moves down the pecking order as each new animal arrives!:D
 
Mine knows that I can "forget" how to cook at the drop of a hat, and that I am capable of breaking vacuum cleaners merely by looking at them if I so choose.

Remember: "If a man upsets you, it is his duty to realise at once and apologise profusely with flowers and chocolates - you wouldn't let the horse away with misbehaving!;)"

My OH came up with that one...he's improving!:D
 
My OH says he is fine with my horses, but when we have an argument its the first thing that comes up! He says he feels that he loses me to polo for 8 months of the year because when I'm not actually at polo, I'm thinking about horses and polo or talking to my friends on the phone about polo. Its not easy, especially as I'm usually so knackered on my 'days off'. He's just not into horses and doesn't understand why I spend so much money on them ( if only he knew the half of it...I always halve the costs when he asks!!)
 
Yes! Its easy to forget marriage needs effort on both sides. I have found food is very important to my husband - he really can't cook and works very hard and does lots of things for me. I cook in bulk and freeze it so if I want to leave him 'unattended' I can leave it ready with instructions! My friends think its quite old fashioned but its doing the little things that matter and show you care. If you think that you have honestly given him plenty of quality time, and shown you care by doing the little things that matter then go and enjoy yourself guilt free - its easier said than done but guilt is something us girls ladle onto ourselves! Remember OH's do need a little special attention to keep them in good condition!
 
debsey1 said:
I have the long light evenings to ride and he complains that there is no tea!!!
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Give him directions to the chip shop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)

Might sound selfish, but I would never compromise my horse time for a man.
Tried it in previous long term relationship - ended up resenting OH.
People who do not own horses do not realise that they are a way of life, a passion and a HUGE, time consuming responsibility.
 
I must be very lucky with my other half...not only is he supportive of my horses, he actually likes getting involved!
We had a conversation about this subject the other day and he thought it was ludicrous that men get jealous of their partners love of horses.
He really wants to learn how to ride properly but unfortunately I've got an 11.2, her newborn foal and a 2 year old welsh d so he will have to be content with the daily tasks in the meantime!
If he had a problem with it I would compromis...by finding someone who didn't mind lol

Kim
 
I loved that CC! My boyfriend has had it drummed into him on many occasions that I will always have animals in my life. He can always find another girlfriend! I am who I am and if he can't accept that then he can't possibly want to be with the real me. I do get a bit intense about it with him sometimes, but have you found that men don't really listen?! :p
 
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