Does anyone else's OH do this - a long rant...!

Z

zoeshiloh

Well-Known Member
Joined
23 January 2006
Messages
2,771
Location
Suffolk
www.stowmarketanddistrictridingclub.com
My OH is driving me nuts at the moment! Because I passed my driving test after the 1998 cut off, meaning that I can only drive up to 3.5t and not tow trailers, I have to rely on my OH to take me to shows.

We are lucky enough to have a lorry and a trailer, both of which I am capable of driving but have not been able to afford the hundreds of pounds to go an take the tests (meaning I can only drive when he is beside me anyway).

So, basically I rely on him to take me to shows. As he is a farmer, this rules out any shows in Jan/Feb when he is lambing (he lambs early) or July/August during harvest. I therefore have to plan all my showing committments around these dates.

This year I double checked every show date with him, and they were all approved. I then spent almost £1k entering the shows (most are county level). He is now moaning because we have one show a week for the next four weeks (most of them we have to stay away for a couple of days at).

Now he is saying that we might not go to the shows at all, that he has too much to do. I entered these shows months ago, and checked all the dates several times with him. Last year we were out almost every weekend with the dressage horses, and during the week with the show horses and he didn't complain, but this year he has decided he doesn't want to go.

On top of that he doesn't do this running around out of the kindness of his heart - he charges me for all the fuel, plus new tyres for the land rover, services, MOT etc etc (I pay insurance and MOT, service etc for lorry as well). In addition to this he has also used my Ifor trailer to move his sheep and cows about, and has so far this year run over so much barbed wire I have had to buy four new tyres for the trailer, as well as have it serviced.

I have a pony out on loan, and when I asked him if we could go and pick it up, he handed me a 'quote' - charging me not only for fuel but also his time (at £15 an hour).

This is getting beyond a joke now - when we win at shows, he normally has all the prize money (towards his loss of income whilst at the show) and if we sell a horse he expects 50% regardless of my expenditure. Although I spend a lot of my time on the farm, helping with his animals, and pitching in at harvest, I never see any money from the farm whatsoever.

I have just about had enough now - I know he is taking advantage, but if I stand up to him, he just refuses to take me to shows. I think I will be ebay-ing lots of stuff this autumn so that next year I can take my lorry test and drive to these shows myself.
 
Agree, he sounds like a complete git
blush.gif

Can you part exchange him for a new one that isn't such a pain in the butt?
grin.gif
 
I think you need to take the test and get rid of him, with all the money you are giving him you may as well put it towards the test.
Why don't you ask around if there is anyone who needs transport for their horse in return for sitting with you while you drive.
 
I agree too...

But more practically do you have another friend that could come with you, maybe not to them all but to some of them.

ALternatively play him at his own game and charge your time out on the farm (bet he wouldn't like that
wink.gif
)
 
Lol - it is getting very very tempting!! Its just this year he seems to be getting worse and worse, but I think there are a lot of family politics behind it too - it isn't so much him just being an arse - he is an only child and has severe only-child-syndrome as well, i.e. everything has been done for him/given to him on a plate - lives on the family farm, so has no rent, bills, council tax etc to worry about as mum and dad pay it all (even though he is 32).

Also, I think part of the reluctance this year is because he is having to enter the showring as well (handles the foal for me) and he doesn't like public places. Having said that, he did show livestock very successfully for many years before I met him, so he should be ok with showing situations.
 
now I know farmers can be tight, but is this really your OH??! I wouldnt pay mine for his time!!

Have you added up the time you spend on housey things (being a farmer I guess you end up doing most of it?) and handed him a bill.

Solution, find nice man who will drive you who is NOT a farmer (or female) and pay them instead!!
 
Def invest and take the test!!! Then just go off on yer own and do what YOU want. Can't believe he'd actually charge you for that, that's appalling. Get rid!
 
No, I don't think I would put up with that sort of mean minded-ness. I can understand he is busy, farmers always are, but it sort of takes the enjoyment out of doing anything I would have thought.

|Have you discussed with him how you feel?
 
i could not stand that my OH is not keen on horses but he would always tow the trailer for me apart from once when he went to the beer tent and i had to tow the trailer back it was easier than i thought.
as for charging you i dont think so. start to charge him for meals and housework see how that goes down
grin.gif
 
I know he is taking the michael, but when I try and talk to him about it, he gets huffy and threatens to not take me to any more shows. I have kind of decided that after the summer season is over to sit down and have a long chat with him, and say either things change, or I am walking. Any time I broach the subject of money with him, things get very heated and uncomfortable. The trouble is his mum has basically taught him that everything he does and says is right, and that he is flawless, so you try and reason with him and you can't.

It's a shame because he has done a lot for me in the past, and things were ok - just the last six months have been getting worse and worse, and now he is expecting me to pay him for things all the time.
 
OMG and why are you still there? OH? or bad employee? I don't normally comment on other peoples personal life but he realy does not sound like an OH. You must be a saint.
Have you read back what you have put? Read it and think about it.
Ebay his stuff and he may follow. He realy does sound like he is takeing the Mick out of you - because he knows he can.
This sounds so horrible and i can assure you i am not normally but i feel so upset for you.
Could you in a realy serious voice tell him you need a serious talk and discuss this? It realy does need sorting. Your OH and he charges you like this? Appaling. Was it you that posted about the Lincolnshire Show? I did not reply as i live up the road and wander up so have no idea regards gate shutting times.
Please, please please have a serious talk with him. This is realy not fair on you at all.
My heart goes out to you.
 
Oh I know this feeling, I will check weeks if not months in advance and he will still forget or go 'oh why cant you go on your own?'

Its worse when ive booked him as assistant for work, and hes then moaning all day about not wanting to be there, way around it, find someone else to go lol

He does have moments where he realises and apologises and says sorry can you email it me for my outlook calendar then ill remember

pfft

Sorry just wanted to add an edit, as to the charging thing , two words spring to mind!
 
Present him with the bill for cooking, cleaning and sex.

Charge him for use of the trailer for the sheep and damage caused.

My OH often helps me, though I am able to drive myself anywhere and do as he hates showing. He did say when I start doing something this is not so subjective to the opinion of a person, ie show jumping, he would love to come along again.

If he ever presented me with a bill for his time, he would get a kick up the arse.

I am now on OH No 3 - and this one is still as lovely and loved after 10 years - just took me a couple of attempts to find the right one.

Maybe you should have a look round to see what is on offer
wink.gif
 
Personally I'd rather have a fella that wanted to be with me/spend time with/help me out cos that is what a partnership is all about.

Ok - so chucking him a few quid for diesel, sure I understand.

But the long and short of it is - there are guys are out there that would treat you so much better than this.

Are you sure your leopard can change his spots?
 
[ QUOTE ]
Present him with the bill for cooking, cleaning and sex.

Charge him for use of the trailer for the sheep and damage caused.

My OH often helps me, though I am able to drive myself anywhere and do as he hates showing. He did say when I start doing something this is not so subjective to the opinion of a person, ie show jumping, he would love to come along again.

If he ever presented me with a bill for his time, he would get a kick up the arse.

I am now on OH No 3 - and this one is still as lovely and loved after 10 years - just took me a couple of attempts to find the right one.

Maybe you should have a look round to see what is on offer
wink.gif


[/ QUOTE ]

Echo that utterly (except I'm on hubby No2 not No 3).

Work out a weekly bill for your services!
 
I think it's time you took your tests and did your own thing.
I bet there's a million and one keen and able people in your area who would love to be hands on with helping you with the horses.

A Husband to be charging his wife life this, I'm sorry to be blunt, but is discusting!

He's got you over a barrel, whatever you say, he threatens you with no help for your events.

To be honest, to be showing every weekend and during the week too sometimes, is a huge ask of someone, even your Husband. However, him charging you like this is awful. You two are in a horrid situation in your marriage, not healthy!

As I said, sort your marriage out firstly, enter more shows once you have that back on track.

Good luck.
 
[ QUOTE ]
Erm - Is this your other half or your business Partner?!

Sounds like a reality check is needed if you ask me!!

[/ QUOTE ]

That's exactly what I keep thinking. Don't get me wrong, he has helped me out and done a lot for me in the past, but at the moment there are a lot of family politics (which I can't really go into) going on, and I think his mum is trying desperately to hang onto him, which is making things even harder.

The trouble is if you try and have a conversation about anything, or I try and confront him about things, he just goes on the offensive and starts shouting, or runs off in a strop and wont talk to me for days, and refuses to take me to shows.

So I think perhaps there will be a big confrontation when the show season is over. Something has to change.
 
oh that would drive me mad!

have look at this site

http://www.horsedata.co.uk/trailer_test.htm

and the associated link at the bottom of that page

From what I can gather the b + e test shouldn't set you back more than about £150 and the training ( if you choose to do it) £200.

I would investigate futher as while it may be tight that money wouldn't be that hard to find and may be worth finding with reward being freedom.

You have the trailer and the space to practise all the manovers and you have already towed so I think you should get your test booked
 
Chomper - thankfully we are not married! I think the main issue is his family tbh, and him being constantly told I am taking advantage of him. If we get into an argument over money he always pipes in "well I feel like you are using me for my money". Yes, he has paid a few bills in the past (feed or stud bills) but he has had more than that back in the form of money from sales etc.
 
He sounds like a big spoilt child still hanging on to mums apron strings.
I would personally have the confrontation now and if you have to struggle with the season, then so be it. Your happiness is more important than any show, and sounds to me like this needs dealing with now
frown.gif
 
I thought that as long as you have someone in the car who could drive the jeep, and you stick L plates on you're covered?

TBH, my OH earns alot more than me and I pay rent etc - I think it's only right really.

Re. your OH it's hard to comment without knowing all the facts - do you live with him rent free etc?
 
just wanted to add.

there is nothing better than independance. When my OH says no, I then try and find away round things to prove him wrong.

You could always say to him that this would be and investment as not only will it release him form having to take you places but it will enable you "to help him" if he needs livestock moved.

chin up.... I know the feeling about mothers hanging onto their sons (I have that too) and I know all about only children too!!

<<<<<<<hugs>>>>>>
 
PR - Are you kidding?? I had to move out of the farm, it was getting far too stressful with family etc so I rent a cottage, which I pay 100% for, all the bills, electric, food, etc etc. I keep some of my horses on the farm, which I admittedly do not have to pay rent for (although he has told me that I have to find some more grazing to rent as he wants the fields back for his cows)

TBH I think a lot of the problems are caused by his mum not wanting to let go, and filling his head with ideas that I am taking advantage of him etc. To be honest, I do not mind paying the diesel, and even towards services for his land rover etc, its just when he tries to tell me I should pay for his time that winds me up. Also the fact that he doesn't feel at all guilty when he lets me down on a big show date that has been booked for months.
 
Hi
I dont mean to sound horrible but it sounds like he is trying to end the relationship but doesnt have the guts to break up with you properly. I think He will push and push until you finally snap and end it, then its him who ends up looking like the victim and your the nasty one. I say leave him to it, sounds like he is an immature g!t and you can do better than that.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top