Does anyone else's OH do this - a long rant...!

Aargh!
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He sounds awful! I haven't heard his side of things so can't judge, but from what you've said he sounds a lot like an ex of mine who was spoilt by his family. If you want to stay with him then take your test, but if I were you I'd be having a long hard think about what I expected from a relationship!
 
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Hi
I dont mean to sound horrible but it sounds like he is trying to end the relationship but doesnt have the guts to break up with you properly. I think He will push and push until you finally snap and end it, then its him who ends up looking like the victim and your the nasty one. I say leave him to it, sounds like he is an immature g!t and you can do better than that.

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It's amazing how many men are actually like that! (I'm sure some women too!).

IT must be a nightmare, and yes, I agree with you about paying for fuel, but as for paying for his time, he's deluded!

Good luck though, and hope you can sort things out with him when things settle down with his family.
 
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Hi
I dont mean to sound horrible but it sounds like he is trying to end the relationship but doesnt have the guts to break up with you properly. .

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No offence taken, and quite understand this conclusion, but don't think this is the case. Most of the time we do get on very well, its just money that causes trouble, and again I think most of the ideas are put in his head by his mum. He certainly isn't the sort to play 'games' - if he wanted to end it he would, he certainly isn't worried about hurting peoples feelings, and he isn't lacking in guts to do it.

As for losing money when he takes me to shows - if he took me in harvest, then yes, he would lose a lot of money, as he works 20 hour days, and if he isn't there someone else has to be, so costs him money. But, I arrange all my shows to avoid harvest, so effectively no, he doesn't lose money, but unfotunately he feels that if he is away from the farm he should be paid for the privillege.
 
Glad I'm not in your shoes. I'm far to tight myself to put up with that and I never would from someone whos supposed to be my partner..he'd be out the door with behaviour like that.

I think it's important in realationships no matter how loved up you are that you're financially independent so if anything did go wrong you're not left without a roof over your head (esp important if kids or horses come into it)

I'm 22 and live with my oh and I made sure from day one that the rent was an amount I could afford alone if things went wrong - not very romantic but realistic and I won't accept any help financially with the horse (presents etc are ok
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I'm guessing you keep your horses on his land? Do you live there? If so, not the best situation to be stuck there with a man like that.
 
I recently had a similar problem, not with oh. Friend used to take me to shows, very kind of them, however, I entered quite a few, and they made up excuses not to go. I later found out that they were all lies, and they never offered to put towards the £250 in entry fees that I lost. needless to say i told them where to go, and I am now doing trailer lessons
 
take money out the question - move your horses take your test dont ask him for anything and then see how you feel about each other.
 
Quite simply - run all the transport through the farm accounts - and then hire someone, again through the farm accounts, to accompany you.

That way he get's to stay home, has the benefit of having all the VAT back on the vehicles, and saves your marriage......
 
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Quite simply - run all the transport through the farm accounts - and then hire someone, again through the farm accounts, to accompany you.

That way he get's to stay home, has the benefit of having all the VAT back on the vehicles, and saves your marriage......

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the voice of reason (as usual)!
 
Sorry to hear about your OH, poor you. I think the taking of the prize money etc is pants.

Makes my OH sound like a saint, which he aint exactly, but really is pretty good.

By the way, you were at Suffolk weren't you? Will be PMing you about East Anglian get together!!
 
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I then spent almost £1k entering the shows (most are county level).


On top of that he doesn't do this running around out of the kindness of his heart - he charges me for all the fuel, plus new tyres for the land rover, services, MOT etc etc (I pay insurance and MOT, service etc for lorry as well). In addition to this he has also used my Ifor trailer to move his sheep and cows about, and has so far this year run over so much barbed wire I have had to buy four new tyres for the trailer, as well as have it serviced.

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Sorry to be blunt but your OH sounds like an a*sehole on a power trip. TBH for all the money you're spending on everything, I think it'd be worth you spending a bit on doing your test so you can drive yourself. If that was my OH, I don't think I'd want to be stuck with him at a show for a few days at a time
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I think if he can charge you diesel (reasonable) and services and take your prize money off you and money when YOU sell one of YOUR horses (UNreasonable), yet he pays nothing towards bills and rent and didn't pay for your trailer when he burst tyres or to use it at all - I'd be getting him sorted out!

What a skinflint tight arsed GIT!

Hell, mine doesn't like horses but always comes with me - I just pay him in kind! I own the flat and pay bills and mortgage as he works away and we're not married yet, but he splits food shopping and goes halves on things like new TV we bought. If he was driving a long way to something with me, I'd always contribute to diesel but its totally give and take - yours sounds like its just take take take!

I'dd add up what he's cost you so far and tell him - and say as your OH you shouldn't have to pay for his time, is he some kind of gigolo?

His mother sounds like a poisonous cow!

Get your trailer test done, stop helping out, stop letting him use your trailer - if he moans say you'll do it but it'll cost him for your time and hire of your trailer. Let him see how it feels!
 
Sorry to sound blunt but if you can afford to spend £1k entering shows, & you also mention dressage horses, & selling horses I would have thought you could afford to take your trailer test, then you can be independent & do your shows yourself. I agree it is total pants that he is trying to charge for his time, but if he is moaning about being there, & you say he "has" to be in the ring to handle the foal, perhaps he is trying to tell you something. My hubby is not horsey at all, he may come to the odd show if he wants to, but ususally I go alone, or with a friend, after all, its my passion, not his.
 
No!!!! My OH is great ( glad he doesnt read this LOL!!! ) He isnt into horses but after i lost my first horse, it was him that suggested getting another, thus Inky came along, and then Ty. He feeds/turns out etc when i cant get there. He lent me some money to but the horses and we have even gone halves on a new horsebox ( which wasnt cheap! ) He comes to shows with me, no argueing, helps me get ready and all i do in return is buy his dinner!!! Even the diesel money for the box comes out of the joint account!!!
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I'm evil. I made oh spend three hours with my horse on our first date. He said if he hadn't of liked me so much he'd of been off!! He has now declared himself my horse's daddy lol so I think progress has been made
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Hmmm... I'm going to play devil's advocate. Full weekends away dong something you don't get any pleasure out of are draining and boring and difficult, and if I had to go and act as my OH's unpaid assistant at some clay-pigeon nonsense all weekend, I'd damn well put up quite a bit of resistance too; it's my free-time, I treasure it and I should be able to choose what I do with it. What you are asking of him (full, consecutive weekends away doing your thing) is, quite bluntly, a lot. If you have the money to spend on showing, then make the small sacrifice and spend it on your test instead. In the long-run this actually sounds like it would be much cheaper for you since you will get to keep all your prize money, all your horse-sale money, go to all your shows, etc., and if you still need an assistant, I'm sure there are countless horse-mad girls who would love to help you for free. It would be good of him to refuse bluntly rather than behaving as he is, I agree, but consider - do you make his life difficult if he says 'no'? You may unwittingly be making his life no less pleasant if he tries to get out of it. Anyway, money issues can kill relationships faster than anything else on earth and when you suddenly find that you're handing each other invoices, it's high time for a very serious rethink and to be blunt (again), this should come before your showing. I couldn't fail to spot if my OH held off the big 'blow-out' discussion until he'd had what he wanted from me first, and that wouldn't stand him in good stead if he then wanted to insist that he wasn't just 'using' me.
 
My OH is brilliant and helps a lot but is not interested in showing, its like paint drying to him. He will drive us about once or twice a year to watch daughter compete and will always come up to HOYS to watch her class but he then goes home. I think you are expecting a lot from your OH
 
Yes, it's very interesting reading this, and thank you for all the input. When I step back and look at it from his side, I guess I am being a little unfair to him as well. I wouldn't say he doesn't enjoy the showing - he is an animal person, and absolutely dotes on the horses, but I think he finds it a bit stressful being away from the farm, expecially as he is probably thinking "I could have cut the hay/sprayed the barley/mended the gate" etc.

As for taking the lorry test, again, perhaps this isn't really just an issue of money - the money is there, but seeing as he wasn't bothered (in the past) about doing the driving, there were more important things to spend it on, like show entries, new lorry, new stabling etc. Now that he has shown that he doesn't want to spend so much time driving to shows, it would be a better idea to use some of this money to pay for a lorry test for me.

Help isn't a major factor, I think it comes down to trust more than anything - I can often find help for the horses, but I wouldn't trust just anyone to help me at a show. Seeing as OH has spent years in the showring with livestock, he is quite ring-savvy and has taught me a thing or two!

I guess I am not moaning so much about the fact he wont help me - if he just said 'no' from the start it wouldn't be so bad, but he is the sort to make committments, then break them at the last minute.

Thanks for all the input guys, the support and the wake-up-calls, I will definately take a step back, a deep breath and look at it from his angle as well.
 
Just a quikie, I had a similar bloke, things didn't get quite as bad as you've made it sound, but the mother issues do worry me a bit. I ignored them with mine, lived in a seperate house on the farm, paid my way fairly, and do you know what mother did? Tried to have her granddaughter (our little girl) taken away from me so she could play happy families with her son and granddaugher with me out of the picture.

Be careful, if he's 32 and still so influenced by him mum, then you could be fighting a losing battle anyway.

Go pass your test and do it yourself.

I now live 100's of miles away to keep them away and little one safe, I struggle as a single parent with keeping horses, WShen I met him I didn't owe a penny in the world, and by the time I left I owed over 30K - despite living with a very wealthy bloke (menage, swimming pool, stables, paddocks everything)
 
Sorry - I was a bit blunt in my earlier post (although you replied saying you agreed so I can't have been that bad!!)

I am very lucky with my OH, he supports me and drives me round the countryside with my endurance and i appreciate every minute of it - I am also very concious of the fact that it isn't his idea of a good weekend, but he does it with little or no complaint and the only thing he asks in return is a takeaway dinner (which he goes and gets!!)

But having said all of that, there is no excuse for you OH treating you in this way. It seems to me that he is being completely unreasonable and as i said earlier, treating you like a business partner.

May i suggest that you spend every spare minute practicing manouvering your trailer around your farm and concentrate especially on reversing it around corners etc - that was minimal training will be required on the road before you take a test, then go for it, do the test and save yourself a huge amount of trouble by taking yourself!!

I really should do my test, but my OH has said he would only worry if i went of alone so would prob come with me anyway!!
 
Zoe I really do admire you. Not over the complicated rights and wrongs of the problems with your OH, but for the way you listen to advice and respond to criticism!

It's not often on here that one sees someone really stand back at look at their own flaws and mistakes - especially not when they are in a full-on rage over someone else's! Seriously, I really respect you for this.

I suppose that if your OH is no longer enjoying the outings to shows, and genuinely resenting the time away from his farm, then perhaps shows every weekend is rather a lot to ask. But charging you for his time is a rather childish and unkind way of letting you know that you're asking too much of him!

If I were you, as well as getting the lorry test, I think I would try to leave money out of the discussion with him - just have a talk about how much time he IS willing to devote to helping you show the horses, and then make your showing plans accordingly - arranging for someone else to give you a hand when OH is not available.

Easier said than done, I know, but there must be some way of finding another helper - perhaps you could exchange favours with someone, either giving them lifts in your lorry, or helping to show their horses or something?
 
this bloke sounds like a total arse. You say hes your OH? why on earth are you still with him? Tell him where to go and walk out. his behaviour is unbelievable and I cant believe you are putting up with it and staying with him. Give him the boot.
 
Zoe, just to add that I too am married to a [former] farmer. I suffered for 16 years , living in the farm cottage, his mother wanting me and my horses to leave , absolutely horrendous and abusive. eventually it all came to a head and it was the ultimatum. his farm or me. [ believe me i would have loved to farm but they wouldnt let me in]. we left together and he now works as an HGV driver. lifes been much much better since, we are our own people without interference and OH has blossomed.
 
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