Down in the dumps - think it might be time to call it a day

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sue_ellen

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Sorry, this might turn into a bit of a self-pitying rant, but please bear with me!
I've ridden for 30 odd years, and had my own horse for the past 13 yrs. I was never very confident, but got by and enjoyed myself, hacking on my own for hours, a bit of unaffiliated competing, even a bit of gentle hunting!
Had various falls and mishaps, as we all do, but had a bad riding accident 4 years ago, and 2 months after this had to have major surgery (not related to the accident), which left me unable to ride for 6 months.
Got back into riding slowly and bought myself a confidence giving cob, but sadly had to sell him last year due to my husband being made redundant.
However, early this year I was able to look for a new horse as we were in a happier place financially and we could afford it again. Bought a beautiful 16hh mare called Grace, and I think my first mistake was to follow my heart rather than my head, because I bought the type of horse I instinctively love and go for rather than the type that would suit me as regards my lack of confidence, and also my arthritic knees and dodgy back!
I have posted a few times about her over the last few months as we had a few issues, although nothing serious, and I sorted them all out and she is in a very happy place now, and has turned into a cracking little mare.
But - she is forward going and I find this worrying, also she sometimes needs confidence from her rider and as I haven't got enough for myself, I certainly haven't got any to spare for her!
My problem is I really love her, I've had horses far more difficult than this and had great times with them but I just don't seem to be able to hack it anymore.
I've even tried confidence giving therapy from a lovely, well known lady but it hasn't really helped. I decided to sell her, although I don't really want to, but have had not one response, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised really as the market isn't great at the moment, maybe I'm asking too much.
Sorry this is so rambling, I need some confidence pills or just a kick up the backside!
I am trying to carry on riding her to keep her active while trying to sell her, and I may end up giving up riding now, although I really, really don't want to.
Any advice or cheering up messages very greatfully recieved, and I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but if anyone's looking for a lovely, straightforward hunting mare with a great jump, please let me know!
Thanks so much for reading, it's helped just to write it all down.
 
Have you got anyone locally with safe horses you could hack out with? Maybe give you both a bit of a confidence boost if you can do that.

There are many non confident but good riders out there and it sounds like you are one of them. You also obviously love your horse. In the overall scheme of things you've not had her that long so maybe have some regular lessons with a confidence boosting RI.

If you ultimately feel she isn't right for you there is no shame in finding her a home you think will suit her.

Confidence is a very fickle thing, you have my sympathy and support
 
You've come so far with her already you need to focus on this! Confidence is a very strange thing it comes and goes and as we get older seems to go much quicker than it builds. I would definately seek the advice of a RI!

I'm having confidence issues at the mo myself as my boy is a little unpredictable at the moment. I have put him on calmers but freely acknowledge it would probably be better for me to take them instead!!!
 
I am in a similar ish place to you :(
Ive had my boy 8 yrs, its been full off ups and downs, more downs really. He doesnt scare me but I am very aware of what he can be like. To be fair he isnt that bad, probably just insecure although my hubby thinks 'he's not right in the head'. Years ago I would have brushed it off and got on with it but I want to have fun now, not trauma's and I feel very limited in what we can do.
In reality I should have parted company years ago but I do love him and have battled on. Im in a situation where I may be losing my hacking friend and I am not looking forward to it at all.
Ive decided if I dont make a go of it this winter then its time to call it a day. I have said this loads of times too though.
Im hoping to have some lessons, mainly to get us going again and have something to focus on. I keep reminding myself that it is a very expensive hobby and its supposed to be fun.
My boy would probably thrive with a confident younger rider who wanted to get out there and do something.
Sorry I cant help but just wanted to share. :)
 
Everyone thanks so much, these replies do certainly help. We have a lovely instructor and she is coming to the yard this pm. I think I will have a word and see if she can give me a little lesson or two. Louby, thats what I feel, that she would be so much better with someone younger and braver who can get her out and about and do things with her.
The thing is she's not naughty or difficult to ride and somehow that makes it worse, because I know it's mostly down to me.
 
Sorry to hear how you are feeling.

Do you think it would be of benefit to maybe find a sharer / a rider to come up (maybe an enthusiastic teenager) to take her out a couple of times a week? It might boost your confidence and trust in her to see her out and about with someone else- that way you wouldn't need to sell her, if your heart is telling you it is the wrong thing to do.

Hope your session with your instructor goes well.
 
Don't give up. People aren't buying much at the minute but they do still want horses. Maybe find a sharer. Someone ur sort of age with both u and grace can get on with. It will take the pressure off u riding and make it more a social thing.
 
I am in much the same situation and have tried to sell or loan, so far no success. it has been better since I moved yards, but to be honest I am not riding much, and would miss the horse more than the riding, if I could afford it I would keep the horse and have it ridden by a good rider, out competing and so on, but unfortunately I can't afford it, so still need to find "the perfect home"
 
My heart went out to you when I read your post as I've been in a similar position.

I have a lovely little horse that I can do anything with & am totally confident and then a few years ago I bought another. She has never been really naughty but she has character & although I started off really well with her for some reason I started losing confidence. Nothing bad happened so I've no idea why but I would get butterflies just tacking her up although I was totally fine on my other.

Without boring you with the details we have now turned a corner & I am back doing everything on her & loving it. We went back to doing hunter trials in the autumn which I haven't done on her for 2 years, and although they were very tiny classes we went clear every time and even came 3rd in one.

If you really don't want to sell Grace then please don't, just take a step back and don't put any pressure on yourself. I honestly think you can get back on track if it's something you want, maybe with the help of an instructor or maybe with friends who can hack with you. It may be that you take some time out and just spend time with her, maybe walking her out in hand and remembering all the reasons why you have her & why you love her.

You say in your post that you may give up riding - but don't want to and you have her advertised - but don't really want to sell. Let those thoughts sink in, you have made a huge commitment financially and emotionally by buying a horse and you did it because you wanted to. Just take some time, I'm sure if you take some pressure off yourself you can build that bond again and look back in 12 months time and see how far you have come together.

Good luck x
 
I wonder if the problem is simply that you haven't clicked with her in the saddle. I've found that some horses I've ridden, I connect with and despite their quirks, I feel at home, while others, despite doing nothing wrong, I don't feel confident with and find myself thinking ' Yikes ! What if he/she does this?'.

There's no logic to it and one horse I had, I absolutely loved but sold when I never felt right on her back. She went to a 13 year old who still 3 years on, describes her as having given her her confidence back.

Don't give up, but do whats best for you both. Selling isn't always a cop out, sometimes its a selfless act to match the horse with the right person.
There is a horse that could be your soul mate, you just need to open to finding him or her.
 
I am in exactly the same situation as you with my little mare however a few steps ahead in that my new horse arrives this week. I went for pretty with big movement and bags of attitude and we fought each other for 2yrs this time I have gone for chunky safe and very very quiet please feel free to private mail me happy to support xx
 
I have not read any other replies but would like to say - don't give up riding.
I was the same as you a few years ago. I bought a very unsuitable warmblood that would bronc and generally take the mickey out of me as I was very unconfident riding him after he had thrown me off a few times the last one stamping on me as he went. I finally admitted defeat and that he wasn't the horse for me and sold him being very honest about his faults but in all fairness the chap that bought him didn't take any of his nonsense and he was well behaved for him.
I then spent a long time looking for another but without much confidence I didn't have much luck.
I finally found "One" and had her on a short trial and havent looked back since. I now enjoy my riding again and am back out competing which I never thought I would do.
You need to find the right horse again and you will be well away.
I say that it is a good job that one horse doesn't suit all else we would all be after the same one! Some riders may find my horses boring and I probably wouldn't like theirs.
Don't beat yourself up, remember we do this for pleasure. Find the right one again and don't give up something which you know you enjoy.
 
Please don't give up - I did this a couple of years ago and it lasted 4 months I missed it so much. I'm the opposite of you - I love forward going horses because they go, well, forward! I feel insecure on more ploddy types because I always feel that they "might" stop, or nap or do other backward thinking things! I've been riding 45 years so I'm just as long in the tooth and with just as many (different) insecurities.

I think sharing is a brilliant idea, you could perhaps forgo sharing expenses in return for the sharer coming out with you on a bike, just to give you confidence. Make sure your sharer is sympathetic go your poblems and doesn't just jump on and go galloping madly around the countryside.

I'm not advertising, but there is a trainer called Michael Peace who is absolutely brilliant at showing you how to understand your horse and how you can deal with your problems. www.thinkequus.co.uk. Give him a ring to see if he can help you, a phonecall doesn't cost much. To me he was worth every penny of his visit.
 
Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has replied, it has really helped to know that its not just me! I have clicked with her on the ground, she has such a lovely gentle nature, its just when riding her, although she hasn't done anything wrong - but as I say, its obviously not just me that this has happened to and I find this very comforting!
I think I will stick to my plan to sell her and find something a bit slower and closer to the ground - the fact that my knee has started to give way without warning doesn't help my confidence either.

But thank you again to you all- its lovely that you took time to reply because you wanted to help - thank you, thank you, thank you
 
Well, she sounds like a lovely mare so I'm sure you will have no troubles in finding her a lovely new home- and some lucky horse will have a fab new home with you. Keep us updated!
 
Like everyone else is saying, don't give up, take a break, ride her if you feel like it but if not then just play with her, spend time with her, take her for walks, groom, cuddle etc

Went through a phase with my youngster, really wasn't enjoying him at all, didn't ride him for a few months, just played with him, then started to miss riding him and actually started looking forward to riding him again, he's 8 now and one of those horses that reads your mind
 
You sound just like me!

But if you want to carry on you may regret selling this horse...believe me to find a good one is really difficult and what I have looked at 22 I would get yourself a RI which you have done.

I dont know your RI and just make sure you have one that really does instil confidence. I had two that 1. Had the talk and one day I asked her to get on friendly cob to show me how to jump properly and she would not get on at all...I had been going for weeks and all I wanted was to know the correct position and what I needed to look like. This was someone that was supposed to be all singing and dancing but I had my niggly doubts as to her chit chat.
2. Then I discovered what I call a proper RI who just had horses sussed out and was brilliant and different. I learnt a lot watching her teach my son and also ride her horses a proper horse person who would get on board. Thats how I discovered her. Really understood horses.

I appreciate not all RI will want to hop on as its their livilihood and why should they get injured etc BUT just make sure you get someone who really gets you through.

Since being dumped I did go to a riding school and the RI do vary.

Sorry long post but I dont think you are alone positive people do rub off on others.

Hope you carry on. Good luck
 
I was so sorry to read this, but don't despair. As you've already seen, there are loads of us on here, me included, who've lost their bottle, or some of it, for whatever reason. I lost mine when I lost my lovely wise hunter mare, and bought a really forward -going, in fact "no brakes" cob - really silly as I fell in love with her at first sight, and several people locally who knew and loved her (she's that kind of mare) said they'd thought of me as soon as they heard she was for sale.

Anyway it's been a long curve. She scared the daylights out of me a few times tanking off on roads, but I've come out the other side. Firstly because I have lovely riding companions who have been so supportive, and secondly because, weak or not, I now ride within my comfort zone. Due to an accident I have limited power in one arm, so when the gang are going on a galloping ride I just hack quietly to meet them. I've got to an age when I know if I was thrown I would do damage!!! There's no way I'm selling the mare.

If you can find someone to ride with, who understands - no holds barred - your fears and is happy to go along with them, I think you'll find your confidence will gradually come back. I think you've got to be considerate of their kindmess as well - don't expect to go along with them every ride, but gradually your confidence will return. Never look back on the black days but only the good ones. And stick with Grace!!
 
My daughter has (twice now) gone from non-confident with new pony to super confident jumping everything. Took a year with the first one, and a good 18months with the second. I swear by Rescure Remedy for the rider - prior to a sj comp I used to lace her oj with RR (she didn't realise because if I made her take RR she complained about the taste and wouldn 't have it), and it made a huge difference, calm daughter = calm pony. Once they started having double clears that was it she grew her own confidence, no stopping them now. She even hunted him yesterday (and yes he was strong but she controlled him), and they did have fun.

Would suggest a dose of Rescue Remedy just to calm you down a touch and take the edge off, that will help as your horse won't pick up the non confidence vibes from you - horses always need a leader, and if you are worrying I'm sure your horse will pick up on it too.

Would be shame given how much you like this horse if you can't gel as a team, and I really do think another few months may make all the difference maybe work at it and see how you feel in the spring (also a better time to sell)
 
Can I make an off the wall suggestion? It's the end of the pony club season yes? There are always kids who have outgrown their ponies (either height or 'ability' wise) so can you not contact the pony club and instead of selling, swap with something that is more suitable?

Everyone is struggling in the current climate, so that may be an option.

You don't have to give up on the riding, and you get to hand your horse to a home which is (effectivly) monitored by the Pony Club, and in return you get a horse that is known in the local area and relativly experianced.

I am aware that there are a few generalities here, but as a basic idea it seems pretty sound to me...!!!
 
I haven't read all the posts so this may have been suggested before.

Ride till the beginning of December, then put the horse in a field, take the shoes off and don't ride until the Spring. Put any money you save in a safe place.

Come Spring you will know whether you have managed to fill the 'riding' place in your life with other interests, or not. Get some professional help (from the saved money) to get your horse fit and sane again and then decide whether to keep or to sell!!!

As I see it, that way the market should be improved and your horse should be in the best possible place for you to ride, or for you to be a little bit picky about where she goes if you decide to sell.

Good luck.
 
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