Farming Families.. Yeeeessssh! :S

lizijj

lizijj

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Any one else here married to a farming family but don't live on the farm? Sorry this is not a strictly 'horse' post, but I am up for any advice concerning this subject! In Laws are 'lovely', but demand all my husbands weekend time helping them on the farm (he kind of likes it too) - they keep threatening to sell the farm if they don't get enough help... They also have a daughter who does FA and her ex husband who still lives on the farm who similarly does FA. Both my husband and I work full time and the weekend is the only quality time we have together. I have my own land for my horses next to the farm, but this is really driving a wedge between us... There must be other people on this forum in my situation!!!???!!!
 
Ive just joined a farming family as my fiance's family has a farm. I'm in a bit of a diferent situation to you as my fiance does the bulk of the work full time on the farm and we now live there. For years my fiance lived away from the farm whilst still working there, I'd only just met him and I know it was incredibly hard work for him.
The problem I have is that like you there is a sister (and her family) living on the farm who has no involvement with the farm at all other than trying to be lady of the manor!! Sometimes it feels like we are the hired skivies working hard so that my fiance's sister can enjoy life on the farm without actually having to get messy!
I'm not having a moan (really I'm not!!) I love the farm and all the work involved. I'm really lucky too to have my horses on site and lots of fantastic riding but when we moved in I had hoped that the sister and I could be friends. Its not really working like that as I think she resents my involvement in the farm even though shes never wanted any part of it, apart from the status!
Oh well, thats families for you! It sounds like you are in a really awkward situation and if the farm has connections with the family going back years then your husband is being made to feel it would be his fault if it has to be sold:(
 
OP this situation is really being created by your partner, not the inlaws, he chooses to spend time on the farm rather than with you. He doesn't have to agree to help them, but will obviously have his reasons for doing so. Is it possible he doesn't realise how unhappy this situation is making you? From what you say, it sounds as if helping on the farm is sort of a hobby for him, and his parents needing help is possibly the justification for it. I'd have a chat with him. Presumably if it was the other way round, if he was on his own all weekend and you spent every minute down the stables, he wouldn't be happy with that? Though if things aren't great between you and he likes the farm, he could be spending time there to escape the atmosphere. It's difficult because days off work are for relaxing, IMO, but I don't think its a good idea for anyone to stick their head in the sand about problems with their relationship. Good luck with sorting it out.
 
Sugar_and_Spice said:
OP this situation is really being created by your partner, not the inlaws, he chooses to spend time on the farm rather than with you. He doesn't have to agree to help them, but will obviously have his reasons for doing so. Is it possible he doesn't realise how unhappy this situation is making you? From what you say, it sounds as if helping on the farm is sort of a hobby for him, and his parents needing help is possibly the justification for it. I'd have a chat with him. Presumably if it was the other way round, if he was on his own all weekend and you spent every minute down the stables, he wouldn't be happy with that? Though if things aren't great between you and he likes the farm, he could be spending time there to escape the atmosphere. It's difficult because days off work are for relaxing, IMO, but I don't think its a good idea for anyone to stick their head in the sand about problems with their relationship. Good luck with sorting it out.
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^^^this^^^
 
OP this situation is really being created by your partner, not the inlaws, he chooses to spend time on the farm rather than with you.
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I suspect it's more to do with feeling an obligation to aging parents......

OP, can you come to a compromise - every other weekend is yours. And in turn, you'll help out with the farm 'chores' if you can??
 
My mum and dad (dad now deceased) have always had acres, and my brother and I have always helped out on weekends and we enjoy it. I do think that you should let him do it if he enjoys it, fair enough if he did not want to. But do schedule some time for your selves as well.
 
It is probably something he has always done, so now he is maried he doesn't see why anything should change. What was it like before you married?

Don't let it develop into an argument, but try to have a serious talk about it. He probably does like doing the jobs, out in the open air after a week's work and on the place where he grew up, so it is home to him. Presumably his parents are getting older and need the extra help. However, if the farm is making a profit then if they really need extra help they could pay someone on an occasional basis. If they are really so hard up that they can't afford it, then what is the future? Maybe the time has come for a family conference.

I know lots of farming families avoid this, just struggling on until there is a crisis, but it might be worth gently approaching the subject, although it will have to be your OH, not you who brings it up.
 
amymay said:
I suspect it's more to do with feeling an obligation to aging parents......

OP, can you come to a compromise - every other weekend is yours. And in turn, you'll help out with the farm 'chores' if you can??
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This!

I am in a similar situation however other half farms full time. He has also played cricket all of his life and is not something he would give up nor would I ever make him!
I therefore am competing against farming, cricket and young farmers. It is just a case of laying down the law every now and again and reminding him that we both need 'couple time' too. Somethimes that does involve sitting ina tractor and joining in with the farm jobs!
 
If he wants to inherit the farm then he should be working on it full-time already?
Farming is hard work, especially if his parents are getting older. If they can't manage by themselves and he doesn't want to take on the farm full-time then why shouldn't they sell? Then they can retire to a much more comfortable life, surely?
 
I can see what Pixie means about inheritance. My OH will inherit the bulk of the farm with his sister getting her share too and he's allways known that he has to work his butt into the ground full time for there to be a farm left to inherit!
I guess if theres no one to follow on the work from the parents as an ongoing business then keeping the farm in the family is not possible really. If your husband has a career he is happiest with as opposed to farming then unless his sister wants to take over theres going to be a problem when his parents retire. Sounds like a very tricky situation for you. Is it likely that your husband will give up his career and farm full time eventually? I'm imagining that thats what is probably expected, old fashioned though it seems!!
 
OP, am I right in thinking that biggest problem you have with this situation is that your OH is expected to do the work (infact he's being blackmailed into it) without getting any perks (your not even getting the perk of keeping your horses there) whilst his sister and ex-brother in law are getting the perk of accomodation without lifting a finger?

If this is the case you first of all need to tell your OH exactly how you feel and if he understands and is in agreement, go to the in laws and say that you are happy to do your bit providing the SIL and ex BIL do the same.
 
AlanRocky said:
OP - did you know this when you got involved with him?
My husband farms and so we rarely get 'non farm time' together, as he doesn't do days off.
However it's his life and I've always known this, so I accept it, embrace it, and would never ask him to change.

What is the future? Will he inherit? Sounds shallow but it's just realistic really, and changes a lot. If so, then really he's working for your future.
If not, if the sister or someone else will inherit, then I think it's reasonable to expect him to take a step back.
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One cannot trust farmers, they will use their family for free labour without even considering the implications, to be honest you have your horse and have not been asked to work on the farm, you have your independence and they can't blackmail you. Maybe you should have sorted this out before committing to a long term relationship.
If he wants to farm, save up in a joint bank account and go for a tenancy.
I was asked to leave MY house so his parents could move in, when I said I would be happy to sell it to them, there was a sudden lack of interest. Ditto the bungalow he wanted to build on his land, it was all OK as long as it was my money, that was never mentioned after I said I would have buy the land it was on.
I have seen farmers sell the land and leave their sons without a "job". They live forever,and don't retire, still want to make all the decisions and "interfere"
 
WOW! So many replies! and so many of you are right on the money! The farm would not be able to support ONE family unless it diversifies into holiday accommodation etc. Let alone all of us. Yes, they won't hand over the farm until they drop dead, as most farming families, and then his sister would get half, and I'm dammed if I would buy her out with my hard earned savings.... My only outlook is that my own field is adjacent to the farm, and we could try to get planning with an Ag Tie to support and diversify the farm. The advantage to me would be my life long dream of opening my curtains to see my horses - I could pass that off for him being on the farm. If that fails, then I really don't know what the future holds.... :S
 
Op, does your OH actually want to run the farm? I disagree that parents don't hand over until they're dead, many now seem to make the working child a partner in the business, which does then give them some control over how things are run. If your OH and your SIL both work off the farm why should she have less than him? And if he doesn't want to run it what difference would it make anyway?
If your OH wants to run the farm in the future and it is divided between him and his sister why would you not buy her out? It is an investment in your future, I would rather buy her out and have sole ownership.
I am from a farming family, my father handed the business and some of the land to my 2 brothers, I live on the farm but expect to have nothing business or land wise handed to me. My OH has worked as an agricultural contractor on many farms for years so we see how many families deal with issues like this.
 
sounds familiar. I married a farmers son. The following decade and more was a living nightmare. I had a nervous brakedown early on. Still OH wasnt allowed even 1 day off work to help me. He worked 7 days a week all the hours of daylight and more. His pay was horrendous we were allowed £20 each for food and £10 for each child ( 1990's) as all money had to be kept on the business. I had to give up work as could cope with childcare as he was never available to do anything. All this as he was told he'd inherit the farm, then after al that they left it too his brother so it wouldnt be split and they were anti-horse. The mentality of these people is unbelievable. My husband put in 20 plus years of slave labour.
We left having little more than an inheritance from my side of the family to live on. Believe you me being first time buyers in your 40's with the prices houses had reached was no joke. We now live in a little terraced house with my grown up sons sharing a childs single room . its very very cramped. Meanwhile OH's brother has his large farmhouse , farm cottage, buildings and plenty of land, all worth £millons . Life can be very unfair.
 
Apparently I have a husband who is a farmer! I see him for 2 weeks when we go on holiday in the summer and then on Christmas day.
 
cattysmith said:
Apparently I have a husband who is a farmer! I see him for 2 weeks when we go on holiday in the summer and then on Christmas day.
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LOL! Luckily we are arable so I see mine quite a bit from March until June. We go away on holiday then too. Suits me, I have acres to keep my chickens and horses on. The farm is no longer viable on its own so we do holiday lets of which I am manager and chief scrubber and I also work at a local livery yard and at Tesco, but it is worth it to open those curtains and see the horses. We live in a huge house which we can't afford to heat or repair and his m-in-law lives next door but its give and take and I am laid back and too old to worry about not seeing him much. I think if I was in my 20s it would be a bigger deal.
Farms come first I find, women second. (Or third, after the dogs...)
 
Oh and OP we had to buy out the brother-in-law...cost us a fortune and was very stressful but at least it is all ours now and inheritance is never to be expected, it is his parents money and farm until they die and if you get some thats great, if not that is life. (Not meant to sound horrible and I do sympathise having 2 sons).
 
Clodagh said:
Oh and OP we had to buy out the brother-in-law...cost us a fortune and was very stressful but at least it is all ours now and inheritance is never to be expected, it is his parents money and farm until they die and if you get some thats great, if not that is life. (Not meant to sound horrible and I do sympathise having 2 sons).
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The problem is that the parents keep promising "the Earth" in order to have their son working for free, essentially slave labour, then they may "decide" to leave their inheritance to another son.
And remember the Father has probably been given the farm from his father, he may have worked hard all his life, but he got a "start-up"
 
Miss L Toe said:
The problem is that the parents keep promising "the Earth" in order to have their son working for free, essentially slave labour, then they may "decide" to leave their inheritance to another son.
And remember the Father has probably been given the farm from his father, he may have worked hard all his life, but he got a "start-up"
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I suppose it is up to you, your OH could stop working on the farm and you may or may not inherit all/part/none. You have decide what you want in life as a couple. My attitude is (as a farmers daughter who will get nothing of the farm) expect nothing then anything else is a bonus.
it is only slave labour if your OH chooses to do it. Don't play to they're emotional blackmail, hopefully it will be a long time before you have to worry about inheritance anyway. As I said before, you all need to sit down and discuss it.
 
Hee Hee, I'm sure there's a book deal in here somewhere! I don't expect anything - I teach full time, got my own house and a separate 6 acres, I was brought up to work hard and smart so you can buy your own independence. It's my husband who is the one who wants the farm, as does his sister who doesn't do anything to help. I'd never live on the farm with any of them still there, NO WAY! My field is adjacent to the farm, so that does help in the winter to carry round bales on the tractor or topping in the summer. As our field is right next to the farm, if we could get an Ag Tie, I'd be happy and stop my moaning, as I'd have the horses right outside, but wouldn't owe them anything as technically it's not on their farm. If we can't, then it will have to be plan B which I haven't worked out yet! Actually, I did - if we emigrated to the states we could afford to buy a house with land and be mortgage free, OH would get paid a lot more for Agricultural Work, only problem is, I don't think his umbilical cord stretches that far from mother... ;)
 
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