Feel bad at the moment - How dare I be so selfish to have my own pony!!

My dad is the same, tbf I think he just worries about me financially and thinks he's gonna asked for money!
We recently got a kitten and I dreaded telling him that, it's all "oh what the hell d'ya want another animal for, you've got enough etc"

But having said that they can come around so hang in there.

My parents weren't impressed when I bought my first horse, they did come to see her when she arrived but all I got was, well don't expect me to help, don't come crying to me etc etc but now they love her just as much as I do.

Once they realised I was serious they came around, my mum does as much looking after her as I do now and she said she'd never touch her!

Parents eh!!
 
If you're asking your dad to babysit (presumably for free/less than it would cost for a child minder?) then I'd say it was common courtesy to mention where you're going. Parents even used to tell me when I babysat as a Saturday job when I was a teenager.

If he is closely involved in your life then you can start acting your age and just mention things to your dad (e.g. hey, dad, I was thinking of getting a pony…) as you would any other adult.

I know all families are different (and mine have always encouraged quite an ‘adult’ relationship with me which makes it easier) but if you want the good things (like babysitting) you could try to engage with your dad as a person, not just as your father.

I’d be hurt if someone I was close to hadn’t told me something that important to them … having a horse isn’t exactly too intimate a topic!

I hope you enjoy your pony... we're not dissimilar ages and I'm still waiting... and I hope you enjoy your relationship with your dad, who clearly cares about you too.
 
Oh you are not alone!

I smile now when my Father tells me I can't afford horses. Have had 'em twenty years plus, always paid for them myself, never gone without and what's even more amusing is he is secretly proud of my horses and tells people about it.

We will always be their babies, as a parent you'll know yourself you'll never stop worrying about your child. Just smile and say, " They do cost money but so does living, yes Dad".

If he sees how much you enjoy it he will come round. And if he doesn't don't let it spoil your enjoyment. Many of my friends and family cannot for the life of them see why I would spend so much of my life covered in mud but... So what?!
 
CatStew said:
:( how horrible for you! I hope it comes right for you soon!

Not on the same scale as you, but my in laws aren't happy because I have two horses. My husband and I got married 18 months ago and they both think that I should turn into some baby making machine. I'm only 26 and still living my life for a few years before I wish to plan for the future, my husband is very supportive of me - which is a good job for him really otherwise I would have shown him the door long ago!
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You sound like me!

27, just got engaged and the in laws are after grand kids.......I have 3 horses and they just don't understand why I'm out riding/mucking out/competing etc etc when I could be at home playing 'wifey'.

I love being at home and spending time with my OH but equally we do our own things and live our own lives. He plays golf and tennis and has started shooting, I do the horses and go out with mates....is it that odd??

OP - I know how you feel, but your Dad will come round when he realises that you can manage and that you have planned everything carefully. Mine was the same until he realised that I was happy and coping financially!
 
Pearlsasinger said:
My guess is that your Dad's first thought was that you were taking on too much and that he was worried about/for you. You have said that you have had money troubles in the past (did he help you out then?) and that he has been looking after your child while you were at the yard. Perhaps he thinks that you wouldn't be able to have the horse without other people's (his) support or that you are 'neglecting' your child.
I imagine that as time goes on and he sees that your time with the horse is not time taken away from your child, that you do not need financial help and that you are happy, his attitude will soften.
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^^^this

If your decision to have a horse directly affects him (i.e. he has to babysit more) then he's entitled to an opinion. It's one thing taking up an evening zumba class once a week and asking a grandparent to babysit but having a horse is a daily thing and can also be unpredictable (for example, if horse is taken ill and you have to wait around for the vet). If he's your babysitter then he should really have been included in the decision to buy a horse in the first place rather than told after the event having been tricked into babysitting for you for 6 weeks.
And if you have had money issues in the past and he's had to bail you out then he's also got good reason to be concerned about that as a horse can easily suddenly cost you hundreds, if not thousands, of pounds!

I think it's great that you've got a horse but reading between the lines of your post I do sort of agree with your dad, I'm afraid.
 
I can't say I rushed to tell my Mum that I had a pony. I grew up in poor conditions, too and ponies/horses were what 'rich' people had. To them (Mother and sister), my ponies are child-substitutes and they think I spend my weekends kissing and cuddling them, followed by a day at shows in beige breeches. I gave up trying to relate a long time ago. At least I don't get the 'you can't afford it' speech (they think I'm loaded, because I live in Surrey and 'talk posh'!). He'll come round once he sees that you can cope with kids and horse. Enjoy! :)
 
My MIL is like this, she thinks I should have sold my ponies the minute I got pregnant. My daughter will be 11 this year and I still have the ponies, despite years of digs and comments. She can't even be enthusiastic about my daughter riding and enjoying them. My own parents have accepted that the ponies are part of my family, my dad buys milky bars for my Shetland and if sees a particularly large turnip he buys that too! I get some petty satisfaction from telling my MIL that my daughter can't have new trainers this week because the ponies need their feet done ;)
 
My nan (and the rest of my family) were dead set against me and my mum having a pony! But it's my nans opinion I respect the most, so I asked her to come up and see hon and then she could make her mind up.
She came up and sat on a chair in the yard and watched everything we do then I let hon loose on the yard and she stole my nans crisps and my nan decided she loved her :D
 
My parents bought me my first horse when I was 17 mainly to make me get a 'decent career' rather than one with horses- which I did. Have always had at least one horse since then and I'm now in my forties and a single parent. My mother thinks I'm selfish having them, mainly for financial reasons. She never asks about them and often tells me I need to 'get rid of those horses' even though she lent me money a few years back to buy a field :rolleyes: One of my children is interested in riding the other not so much but I've asked them if I should sell them and they always say no.... It's your life and you are the one who has to make the sacrifices so enjoy it while you can :)
 
I'm another that thinks your relationship with your father needs to be a more adult one, it sounds as if you still seek his approval for everything and are disappointed when you don't get it.

I'd agree with others that it is only fair to let your father know what you are doing while he babysits. If he objects then you can explain that it makes for a happy family if mum is happy in the first place, and your pony gives you that happiness. If he still doesn't like it then you may need to make alternative arrangements, but it would also mean him missing out on time with his grandchildren.;)

I'd also be careful not to mention 'sacrifices' that you've made to him, in his eyes if you can't have holidays for example, he might see it as the whole family sacrificing things and not you.

I'm sure that given time he will get used to the idea, especially with a supportive hubby behind you, after all what you spend your money on is up to you, but just be careful not to rely on your father too heavily in order to see to the horse.
 
My parents both disapproved at me finally achieving my dream and buying a horse at the age of 30! Despite my Dad taking me to riding lessons from the age of 6 to 16! Now nearly 4 years later I am married and due to have my first baby in just under a month. They are very 'disappointed' that I haven't sold my horse! They have no concept at all of how I can love an animal and that it's not 'just a horse' - they have not really had pets themselves other than ones we had as kids so they really don't understand. They just use emotional blackmail to try and manipulate me - it's taken me this long to realise that though :(
I have struggled with this and many other things they have said to me during my pregnancy but all I can say is, it's your life, your dream and to hell with what anyone else thinks. You, your partner and kids are the most important people and if they like the horse then thats all that matters.
It sounds like your father has pushed you into a corner with emotional blackmail and that is why you couldn't tell him you bought your horse. I felt exactly the same when I bought mine, I even lied about how much he cost. My husband and I even lied to my parents about buying our house together, actually, so lying about a horse seems minor...
It sounds like your father is at fault, as mine is, for not accepting you as an adult. I feel your pain but I don't know the answer.
If you find a solution to this please let me know as both me and my sister are struggling with parents that still manipulate us at the ages of 30 and 33!
 
noblesteed said:
My parents both disapproved at me finally achieving my dream and buying a horse at the age of 30! Despite my Dad taking me to riding lessons from the age of 6 to 16! Now nearly 4 years later I am married and due to have my first baby in just under a month. They are very 'disappointed' that I haven't sold my horse! They have no concept at all of how I can love an animal and that it's not 'just a horse' - they have not really had pets themselves other than ones we had as kids so they really don't understand. They just use emotional blackmail to try and manipulate me - it's taken me this long to realise that though :(
I have struggled with this and many other things they have said to me during my pregnancy but all I can say is, it's your life, your dream and to hell with what anyone else thinks. You, your partner and kids are the most important people and if they like the horse then thats all that matters.
It sounds like your father has pushed you into a corner with emotional blackmail and that is why you couldn't tell him you bought your horse. I felt exactly the same when I bought mine, I even lied about how much he cost. My husband and I even lied to my parents about buying our house together, actually, so lying about a horse seems minor...
It sounds like your father is at fault, as mine is, for not accepting you as an adult. I feel your pain but I don't know the answer.
If you find a solution to this please let me know as both me and my sister are struggling with parents that still manipulate us at the ages of 30 and 33!
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^^^I can totally relate to this, as my dad and stepmum are so similar with me:mad:

At 15, my dad told me that he'd disown me if I had my eyebrow pierced, or had a tattoo done (needless to say, I had both done, and he's still around:rolleyes:).

And now, years later at 26, they are still trying to force me to think and act the way they want me to, like being girly (I'm a total tomboy, don't wear heels, makeup, skirts, etc, and they hate it;)), and getting a 'proper' job in an office, and becoming obsessed with earning loads of money.Everytime they go off on one, you can see the zzzzzzz's slowly appearing in my eyes:D

As other's have said, you shouldn't be scared to tell him anything, at your age.Although, the only reason he has a right to know about it (it is your life after all, and he isn't raising you, and doesn't have a right to know anything that doesn't involve him), is because he would be babysitting for you, while you're up at the yard.So, if he's unwilling to look after the kids while you're at the yard, then I'm afraid you'll just have to cut your losses, and either find someone else to babysit, either another family member, or a paid babysitter, or, if possible, take them with you.Hope you can work things out;)
 
Congrats on your new pony, why shouldn't you have what makes you happy, you only get one chance at life... and its for living!

If you can afford your pony then don't see the problem in you having one?

My mum especially never understands where I get the money from to have a horse, I work full time not too bad money, have a house provided by MOD (OH in forces) so pay next to nothing and have no debt, so what else do I spend it on?
She would say I should get rid of the horse... I always tell her NO lol :D :D my money my life simples

I've always gone without for my animals if they need food or bedding and I was tight one month I would always make sure they got and if needed be I went without eating or buying that top i liked... I know what makes me more happy.

I hope you have lots of fun with your new pony this year... summer is coming and all the shows you could go and have fun at :D
 
I suspect a number of people feel like this about their parents/an older and much looked up to person.

We want their approval. Time and conditioning. Plus we want them to share in what makes us happy.

My Mum, much as I loved the lady, never once came to see any of my horses. Didn't see D1 with her pony. Not once. Never. Mum went past the end of the lane the horses were kept at a number of times a month. I have been horse mad from the age of seven. Got my first proper horse at the age of forty-five.

Yes I'm forty-eight now. Yes I have a family. Yes I'm all growed up. And Yes it still bl00dy hurts. And my Mum is gone now and I'll never be able to fix it.

Ho hum.

So OP, you have my empathy. The only way to deal with it is to accept it and keep doing your thing.
 
I can't belive with all the storys i have just read above, that i have been in the same situation myself! :D

Honestly don't worry about it, my dad is exactly the same.
I waited till he asked me about a picture i had of a horse, before i actually tolled him that it was mine. lol

Yes owned 3 horses and a rather large lorry! (the version he knows is, i own one others on loan and the lorry is my friends).

Sometimes pairants just don't understand the passion that we have for your horses.
Weather you think it was right or wrong to have tolled him, that was your call. Maybe it was the best thing telling him, for hope of him talking to you about it?

I would love to chat to my dad about my horses and what i have been up too, but i know that will never happen! :(

Non horsey familys are a pain, but if we all think about it they will be there for us when we need them.
And that's what counts!

Just don't worry and enjoy your new boy! becasue if you dont you will regret it. Family are fickle but our horses make up for it all.

At least you tolled the truth, and nobody or your dad can actually take that away from you.

Be happy and smile, because life is too short enjoy all the happy years and make new memories with your new pony.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
 
Ha ha - so many of us!

My dad hates horses - after years of towing my grumpy pony around as a kid and hanging around at show, and watching our fields go from lovely sheep fields to mud pits with horses in!

At the age of 36 I moved back to the area and bought another horse. Of course I got lectures and grumbles! Initially I kept her on full livery, then brought her home and built a stableyard. I met my husband by that point, and we got one for him, plus a pony for his son, and another pony when he outgrew that! Gave dad even more grumbling fodder! We are now down to two again, so he has less to grumble at, but deep underneath he does care. Very occasionally we catch him cuddling my husband's big soft hunter - he scurries away saying he was doing something else. Even rarer he will almost say well done - like when I got placed affiliated eventing - he asked how I'd gone on and I told him I'd come 6th out of 45. "Oh" he said, "thats, well, its not that bad is it!"

Sometimes you just have to smile and ignore them. Wait until this type of dad need looking after - thats even more fun! My dad had a heart attack last year and hated having to be looked after!!

Live your life. If you can afford it, its nobody's business but yours..
 
My parents were disappointed when I bought my pony nearly 5 years aged 35 even though they had bought me several ponies as a child!

Dad said it would be really difficult to meet an OH when I had such a commitment and he was right but I don't care! I think they are just sad that they don't have grandchildren.

Having meet my pony though both my parents now really like him, even my mum who is quiet nervous around horses due to being kicked in the stomach by one of my ponies when I was a child. She is quite happy to groom my pony the only thing she won't do is pick out his feet.

Maybe if your dad could meet your pony he might like him too.
 
AshTay said:
^^^this

If your decision to have a horse directly affects him (i.e. he has to babysit more) then he's entitled to an opinion. It's one thing taking up an evening zumba class once a week and asking a grandparent to babysit but having a horse is a daily thing and can also be unpredictable (for example, if horse is taken ill and you have to wait around for the vet). If he's your babysitter then he should really have been included in the decision to buy a horse in the first place rather than told after the event having been tricked into babysitting for you for 6 weeks.
And if you have had money issues in the past and he's had to bail you out then he's also got good reason to be concerned about that as a horse can easily suddenly cost you hundreds, if not thousands, of pounds!

I think it's great that you've got a horse but reading between the lines of your post I do sort of agree with your dad, I'm afraid.
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I would like to point out that my pony is at full livery and I do not assume that my dad will look after my daughter's who are at school - my mum is fully supportive and has met my pony and is already fully in love with him. My mum looks after my ladies and loves having my girls round with any excuse.

My dad's contribution to babysitting is reading his paper and moaning that my girls are too noisy - but he is my dad - I love him even with all his little quirks, he has helped raised me to be the woman I am today and yes I do look up to him and his opinion means an awful lot to me...
 
montyforever said:
My nan (and the rest of my family) were dead set against me and my mum having a pony! But it's my nans opinion I respect the most, so I asked her to come up and see hon and then she could make her mind up.
She came up and sat on a chair in the yard and watched everything we do then I let hon loose on the yard and she stole my nans crisps and my nan decided she loved her :D
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I'd have loved to be a fly on the wall on that day :D
 
touchstone said:
I'm another that thinks your relationship with your father needs to be a more adult one, it sounds as if you still seek his approval for everything and are disappointed when you don't get it.

I'd agree with others that it is only fair to let your father know what you are doing while he babysits. If he objects then you can explain that it makes for a happy family if mum is happy in the first place, and your pony gives you that happiness. If he still doesn't like it then you may need to make alternative arrangements, but it would also mean him missing out on time with his grandchildren.;)

I'd also be careful not to mention 'sacrifices' that you've made to him, in his eyes if you can't have holidays for example, he might see it as the whole family sacrificing things and not you.

I'm sure that given time he will get used to the idea, especially with a supportive hubby behind you, after all what you spend your money on is up to you, but just be careful not to rely on your father too heavily in order to see to the horse.
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Hi,

Thanks for your thoughts, I'm sorry if my post made out that my dad helps with child care but really he just sits and reads his paper whilst my mum spoils them - making the most since they're at school and they don't see them too often.

Yes, I do wish to have my dad's approval - mainly because I love the guy, have known him a very long time :) and I would like him to see me happy after me being off work for six months with severe depression and with a little help from many equine friends finally dragging myself out of a very deep dark hole (should have really added that at the beginning of the post but that's not really something I like to mention to be honest :()

Please don't take any offense to my reply - I really do appreciate everyone's comments and apologise if I did not lay out the full facts in my original post.

:D
 
noblesteed said:
My parents both disapproved at me finally achieving my dream and buying a horse at the age of 30! Despite my Dad taking me to riding lessons from the age of 6 to 16! Now nearly 4 years later I am married and due to have my first baby in just under a month. They are very 'disappointed' that I haven't sold my horse! They have no concept at all of how I can love an animal and that it's not 'just a horse' - they have not really had pets themselves other than ones we had as kids so they really don't understand. They just use emotional blackmail to try and manipulate me - it's taken me this long to realise that though :(
I have struggled with this and many other things they have said to me during my pregnancy but all I can say is, it's your life, your dream and to hell with what anyone else thinks. You, your partner and kids are the most important people and if they like the horse then thats all that matters.
It sounds like your father has pushed you into a corner with emotional blackmail and that is why you couldn't tell him you bought your horse. I felt exactly the same when I bought mine, I even lied about how much he cost. My husband and I even lied to my parents about buying our house together, actually, so lying about a horse seems minor...
It sounds like your father is at fault, as mine is, for not accepting you as an adult. I feel your pain but I don't know the answer.
If you find a solution to this please let me know as both me and my sister are struggling with parents that still manipulate us at the ages of 30 and 33!
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Hi,

I don't think any of us have the answer to be fair. Our mum's and dad's are the biggest influences on our lives.

DH, mum and elder sis are a little annoyed with my dad - he must have noticed that I have been horsey since I was little (every toy I had was either a horse or was a doll with a horse) my 8th birthday present (which I still have) was a book on horse care that I used to read every night before bed, my favourite book was Miss Jump the Jockey and Black Beauty - the happiest memories I have were my riding lessons, marrying my husband and the birth of my daughters.

Perhaps I should drag my dad down to the yard and let ponio flutter his eyelashes at my dad and he'll understand?? Works for everyone else :D
 
When I told my mum in 2007 at the age of 36 that I had bought a horse, the first thing she said was "Buying one isn't a problem, it is the cost of keeping it!" I then asked her why she hadn't said the same when we had kids!!! We know have three horses
 
ShrikeThelwell said:
Hi,

Thanks for your thoughts, I'm sorry if my post made out that my dad helps with child care but really he just sits and reads his paper whilst my mum spoils them - making the most since they're at school and they don't see them too often.

Yes, I do wish to have my dad's approval - mainly because I love the guy, have known him a very long time :) and I would like him to see me happy after me being off work for six months with severe depression and with a little help from many equine friends finally dragging myself out of a very deep dark hole (should have really added that at the beginning of the post but that's not really something I like to mention to be honest :()

Please don't take any offense to my reply - I really do appreciate everyone's comments and apologise if I did not lay out the full facts in my original post.

:D
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Hi ST, don't worry, I didn't take any offence at all. :) I also used to try hard to keep everyone happy, especially loved ones and often ended up disappointed and worn out as it just isn't possible all the time. I've found that sticking to my guns and still being the loving daughter worked a treat; once people realise that you aren't heading for doom and disaster and that actually you are quite happy they soon change their point of view, you've just got to show them first.;) It seems as if our dad is probably just worrying about you taking on extra responsibilities and this is his way of expressing his concerns.

I'm sorry to hear that you've suffered depression, ponies are great for helping to get rid of that!
Onwards and upwards from now on! :D
 
ShrikeThelwell said:
Hi,

I'm 34 loved horses and ponies all my life. Raised on a council estate, rode from 9 till 10, then at 15-17 (given all the new ponies (AKA nutters) to ride at my local riding school and 19 years later I finally have my own pony ( given up so much for this ).

It's all that i've ever wanted, my pony is lovely (has a few issues we're ironing out, doesn't like puddles, the horse walker, the harrow etc), so well mannered on the ground - my 5 year old can groom him and he's so good, can leave him un-ridden for more than a week and he's a beauty to hack/school etc.

I've owned my pony for almost six weeks and finally plucked up the courage to tell my (usually wonderful and generous) dad and he's just left me in tears - telling me I'm stupid and i'll never be able to afford him, my mortgage, kids, dogs etc.

My husband, mum, sister, friends are soo supportive even though they don't get horses.

Have you had this reaction from someone you really love dearly and have always looked up to? if so how have you dealt with it?
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I'd withdraw from him for a while.

There's no need for him to be so aggressive when you are 34!

It's amazing how 'backing off for a while' can teach an over opinionated father a few manners.

It did with my father. He doesn't like tattoos, my husband (of 16 years) because he has long hair, doesn't like piercings, doesn't like horses, doesn't like the fact that I got pregnant at 19 (by my now husband).....

Bascially he doesn't like a lot of things about me. It used to really get me down and I hated being around him and had to hide things about myself for fear he would 'freak out'.

When (after 13 years together) my hubby and I finally decided to get married....none of my family bothered to show up.

I am also 34 and I got to a point that I felt I deserved more respect and to make my own decisions and not have them judged (I have been much better behaved than he was at my age!).

So I stayed away from them both (mother and father) for a few years.

He had plenty of time to understand that if he wanted a relationship with me, it would be based on mutual respect - not control. Either accept me as I am - or keep quiet about it if you don't.

It's not perfect, but it's much better than it used to be.
 
I am nearer 50 than 40 and I havent told my Mum about my horse, Ive had him 4 years now!! Tbh, I just cant be bothered with her disapproval so what she doesnt know etc. I was a typical pony mad kid but had to wait until I started work to buy my first horse. Mum never approved really. nasty, dirty and dangerous in her opinion. Dad understood I needed to have a horse in my life but sadly he passed away 7 years ago. Although I live close to my Mum and lots of people in our family know about Che I just dont mention him, she may well have an idea by now but if so, hasnt said anything to me, which is her way of pretending its not happening. I know in part, it is because she worries and thinks horses are not to be trusted, so I just decided not to discuss or mention Che in her company. In my mind, keeping quiet will stop her fretting.
 
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