Feel the fear and do it anyway?

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FfionWinnie

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Briefly, broke multiple ribs in a stupid fall SJ on a surface over 3 months ago. Ribs still not 100% and seems like they may never be.

Have been back in the saddle for over a month with the addition of an air jacket doing a little dressage and mostly hacking.

Had 2 lessons with my SJ coach recently where I went over poles on the ground / raised poles, essentially. He's been jumping the horse about 5/6 times a month over metre + tracks for me which is more than I would ever want to do. He put up a 50cm spread today (may have been even smaller tbh) which I did once but it wasn't the smoothest jump probably due to me chasing her into it from sheer terror and I wouldn't do it a second time.

Prior to the fall the horse had a lot of time off jumping with a saddle issue but before all that went wrong I was confidently jumping 90cm BS tracks (bearing in mind, she's a 14.2 cob!).

Horse is completely safe and genuine but I hardly want to ride. Well I do want to ride but I don't want to be scared!

I don't just want to hack, and I do want to get back jumping but I am unsure whether I should continue pootling around tiny fences feeling terrorised or really what I should do to get a semblance of confidence back.

I don't know if I am using the fear of injury to avoid facing jumping or if I am being stupid to be jumping or even riding. That said I think if I stopped now I wouldn't get back on.

Friend invited me to go xc schooling with her and our kids next week and I just about passed out from the thought of it despite the fact there are tiny logs on the ground which I could do if I wanted to.

So frustrating. What to do?!

Sorry that wasn't at all brief was it!
 
confidence is hard won and easily lost :(

I lost all mine during my eventing days when I was riding a horse for someone else that started to stop. I was lucky that I didn't get hurt but I could barely face a cross pole at one point - bear in mind I was preparing Millie for a CCI* so couldn't afford to lose my bottle!! (turns out the other horse was broken, but hindsight is 20/20 isn't it :rolleyes:

I've lost all appetite for jumping now that Millie doesn't leave the ground. Kira can jump but doesn't really know how, and I can't really get myself motivated to teach her properly, mainly because she doesn't fill me with confidence! Not a natural jumper. But lucky for me she doesn't have to be, she's a dressage cob instead :o so we just do tiny bits now and then when it fits in with our schedule, with no aspirations!

What I'd say is, take all of the pressure off. Maybe a change of discipline for a little while to give yourself something *positive* to focus on. Some new goals to achieve to put pennies back in the confidence piggy bank.
You won't be able to just strongarm yourself back into where you were before. There's a massive difference between putting your brave pants on when you're a bit jittery (like in the start box at xc), and having to talk yourself off the ceiling because you are so afraid. People who are truly terrified ride badly and therefore you won't be safe if you are feeling like that. You've already noticed that. In addition, there's absolutely nothing wrong with how you are feeling now, it's natural when you've had an accident, and especially when you have dependents. Focussing on where you were before your fall won't help, you need to devise a new strategy looking *forward* and give yourself a break. There's no rush. Be kind to yourself, by all means set little achieveable challenges, but wait for it to become fun again before you press on too fast :) xx
 
The thing is, if you are still sore there is no way you will be able to ride to/over a fence well, so I would do lots of polework until you are.

The other thing I would do is have a consultation with a confidence coach and/or hypnotist - know a couple of people that it has helped enormously.

I presume you are happy out hacking and doing flatwork? Remember it is supposed to be fun, and it is expensive! maybe take a break from jumping for a bit.
 
You are being very hard on yourself. You are not fully healed and you have only been back in the saddle for a bit over a month after a horrid fall.

You know you love and trust the horse, so keep it low key whilst you get your fitness and your mojo back and then reassess. Having a wobble after a bad experience is normal, but people do come back from them.

There are some confidence workshops around, maybe try one of those?
 
Take it slow, work on the flatwork then find someone local that does similar sj clinics to me where it is all technical and poles on the ground (fantastic for confidence for horse and rider, and great for improving technique) and they only go up to small jumps if the combo is riding it well enough. Great for your flat as well and can be done at home with a lot of variety.

With sj confidence problems it can be hard not to just try jumping a jump which gives you far t much time to think about it and your nerves can really affect everything. Technical poles - > jumps doesn't give you enough time to think about the jump as you are focusing so much on keeping the horse rhythmical and balanced through the exercise without going the wrong way so that before you even realise your confidence is up and you've popped over a little jump without any of the stress. I've had lots of success teaching sj to people with wobbly confidence by inviting them to my technical clinics.

But don't go too fast, stay in your comfort zone until you feel confident and happy with everything else, there is no rush
 
Thanks ladies. I should have said I am equally nervous about everything and I'm not really enjoying hacking either particularly. There are little glimmers where I feel good like last night we had the best schooling session we've had for a long time and I did have one fun canter last week out hacking but mostly I just feel so unfit and fat (another reason I have got to keep riding!).

I think you are right I am being too negative, after today's lesson I mainly felt annoyed about screwing up that jump rather than pleased that I could actually sit to the canter now (not been able to sit in the saddle til today as felt so weak and unbalanced!) and that we got some flying changes.

I will try to focus on the positives more.

If I go xc schooling I know I will be really nervous but that the horse won't *do* anything so should I go and hopefully feel like I achieved something just by going? I do want to go I just know I am in a fragile state and not sure what's best. We would just be going round ourselves so no pressure to jump anything (other than what I will surely exert on myself!).

I'm going to a grid work clinic next week which is x poles up to 50cms. I feel better about doing grids than fences!
 
Think you have to follow your gut instinct on the xc thing. Only you know whether you really want to go, or if you just think you should go. There is no should... so only do it if you really genuinely think it'll be beneficial and you can tootle round having a play.
Grids are great confidence boosters. Really try to make it all fun. I know you're in an awkward position with daisy needing work but there's no point setting yourself up to fail. We are our own worst enemies... so try to give yourself a break.
 
FfionWinnie said:
Thanks ladies. I should have said I am equally nervous about everything and I'm not really enjoying hacking either particularly. There are little glimmers where I feel good like last night we had the best schooling session we've had for a long time and I did have one fun canter last week out hacking but mostly I just feel so unfit and fat (another reason I have got to keep riding!).

I think you are right I am being too negative, after today's lesson I mainly felt annoyed about screwing up that jump rather than pleased that I could actually sit to the canter now (not been able to sit in the saddle til today as felt so weak and unbalanced!) and that we got some flying changes... I do want to go I just know I am in a fragile state
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I bet that is the root of your problems. When I got smashed up I was fine riding afterwards as I was very fit and strong from the rehab. Now I'm weak I have huge confidence issues. Its because I dont feel very competent or secure. Thats bound to make anyone nervous and actually its just sensible really. I can manage normal light hacking but anything more than that would be too much for me now.

Try and give yourself some time to heal and get back where you were pre accident while slowly pushing yourself.
 
milliepops said:
Think you have to follow your gut instinct on the xc thing. Only you know whether you really want to go, or if you just think you should go. There is no should... so only do it if you really genuinely think it'll be beneficial and you can tootle round having a play.
Grids are great confidence boosters. Really try to make it all fun. I know you're in an awkward position with daisy needing work but there's no point setting yourself up to fail. We are our own worst enemies... so try to give yourself a break.
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This.

I'm taking my nappy little horse out to a xc open day. In reality, it is far too soon to be considering, but we have variable aims- eg. if he is a knob, then we just hack around and it will be a good experience for him. If he goes and is good, then we get to have a little play which will be good experience for him. If we go and he is amazing he will have a proper xc school which again will be a good experience for us.

Because we have lots of aims that are all achievable that vary on his behaviour, there is no pressure!
 
Oh FW, I feel for you. Many years ago I would jump anything, but now I am too aware of the frailty of my own body, plus being a wife and mother.

Ribs take so long to heal completely because there is nothing that can be done to keep them immobile - well, not without compromising breathing anyway. I take my hat off to you getting back on after 8 weeks. I only broke my ankle, and I'm not allowed back on until next week at 9 weeks.

How you feel physically must affect how you sit on a horse, so it's all a bit of a vicious circle.

It's got to be enjoyable, so please don't do anything because you feel you should. Do it because it is right for you - and if that is schooling or going out as a foot soldier with your daughter, well that is fine.

Kylara's suggestion of the technical exercises when you want to do some pole work is a good one that I have seen work well with others suffering a confidence crisis.

Time helps - but only if you recognise that you need to give yourself time doing what you are comfortable doing and give yourself permission to do that.
 
Lots of wise words here already. Time, and feeling strong, fit and balanced will help.

I had a nasty fall a few years ago, and had about 4 months out of the saddle. When I got back on, I was shocked to find out I'd completely lost my confidence. It got so bad I used to ask people to walk around the school with me. The confidence slowly improved but then I had another 9 months not riding when I prolapsed a disc in my back. When I got back on, I was stronger and fitter than I had been for a long time as I'd worked really hard on my post-surgery exercises, and my confidence returned in leaps and bounds. I do find that it's still only attached by a thin thread when I'm jumping, but that also is getting better.

Keep working on it, but all the time you're still in pain, you are not going to feel confident. Take it slowly and it will return.
 
I broke some ribs early on in the year so I know your pain!! I did a lot of flatwork initially when I got back in the saddle and then slowly started jumping again having originally thought I might not be able to again because of my nerves. Now I am back to where I was before having had to work at it as my riding style had gone a bit defensive. I am still aware of my ribs but its no longer painful. I thought I was over it all until I went XC schooling again for the first time since my fall( at the place where I came off) and felt really nervous again. I haven't definitely lost confidence in this area and need to do a lot more schooling. I think you need to give it more time and don't push yourself unnecessarily.If it was your horse who was coming back from a fall, I'm sure you'd be a lot more sympathetic!
 
I know how you feel. I am still getting over a bad fall 2 years ago that broke my leg.

Recently though I wrote down a list of positive things that I like about my horse and another list of things that I know I can do and have done even things like I know how to handle a horse that bucks. Anything that now frightened me after the accident I turned into a positive on paper.

Dunno how effective long term this will be but anytime my horse misbehaves now I am no longer scared. I am no longer scared to ride not scared of anything. Enjoying riding again. I haven't tested this on jumping yet as that has always been a nemesis of mine.

Maybe try it though. Just a list of positives on your riding and then read them to yourself many times out loud and in your head. Might take a few repetitions but worth a shot.
 
Your confidence will return :) you just have to keep plodding away and getting used to it again. I had a horse destroy my confidence jumping years ago and it took me a while to even walk over a pole on the ground.

Just remember that you can and have done this, have faith in yourself and the bond you have with your horse, which from your posts seems like a lovely one :)
 
Ask yourself why you want to jump, go XC schooling etc. given that you're not enjoying it.

If you don't want to do it then don't. There's no reason why you SHOULD. Fear is there for a reason and it's usually a good one!
 
Thanks Neversaydie she is lovely nearly all the time!

Springarising I do want to do it, I just don't want to be scared doing it. I don't want to just hack or do dressage although I am doing a lot more on the flat. I don't think the horse finds dressage particularly easy, she has a muscle disorder and while she is well managed and is a very willing horse, bending and stretching is always going to be harder for her than a horse without the disorder. What she really likes is jumping and I find she needs that real hard work to keep her muscles right as well. Of course she doesn't care if the fences are 10cms or 1m so I don't need to jump anything large but she's won out of most smaller classes and I have no facilities at home so all the fun is clinics, comps and the odd hire.

Anyway I've had a lot of good tips on this thread and I am going to try not to worry about it as much. I just want the fun we were having last year, back!

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totally and utterly feel for you and sympathise. FWIW I am always in awe of what you achieve!

What about the confidence camps being run at Lindores? I found going to camp was a great step forward for me.. immersion therapy!
 
Aww thanks. Weirdly I was going on a cancellation on the confidence camp the weekend after I fell off so obv didn't go. I'm not fit enough yet but it's something I've been thinking about. We are going to Lindores to have a play around next week. Hoping my OH will be able to come and video because I do find looking at the vids and seeing that it looks a lot better than it feels is a big boost, but just by coincidence I've not had anything videoed since I got back on!
 
Confidence is such a tricky thing to deal with! I struggle on and off with it so I can sympathise.
I find that when I feel fitter and stronger I ride better, feel safer and my confidence improves. The biggest thing that helps me though is to take the pressure off and ride for short amounts of time but as frequently as possible. Sometimes it might start off with just 10 minutes but before I know it i am enjoying it again and riding for an hour.
It's hard not to be tough on yourself but confidence is fragile.
 
Sounds like you have a plan - was just coming along to say oh shucks and to sympathise, as sounds like a very difficult situation to be in!
 
Thanks H2T.

I can report I went to the grid work clinic and I managed to jump a 50cm spread without having a heart attack and most importantly actually enjoyed it :)
 
Take the poles but instead of thinking of using them for jumping, use them for dressage/flatwork. There are loads of pole exercises on youtube :)
 
FfionWinnie said:
Thanks H2T.

I can report I went to the grid work clinic and I managed to jump a 50cm spread without having a heart attack and most importantly actually enjoyed it :)
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Thats brilliant news , well done. No pressure and as you say' enjoy it'

Have you seen this, made me think of us Broken Ribs Brigade !! http://www.horseandhound.co.uk/news/michael-whitaker-taken-hospital-fall-579921

I feel for him and can't see how he can get back on so soon. He can't even take painkillers if he's going to Rio, can he?
 
It is supercool that you are back to jumping already!! :) great work!


I fell off a young pony that I had started, it was his 3rd time with a rider and he spooked really bad, i fell off, went back on, fell off again (my friend was holding him and he just ran completely over the dude holding him) and I actually did not want to ride any young horses for 3 years or 4? or more like .. I didnt want to ride any horses but my only one who I have owned for 13 years now. The only thing that actually helped me was time :) the confidence just...grows back, but it really takes a lot of time..
 
Although i haven't had a fall, i have had a long break (2 years) from jumping so totally understand where you're coming from!! Not helped by the fact my old boy wasn't a brave jumper anyway, would stop! I had to retire him from jumping due to his shivers hence the long break. I sadly lost him at the start of this year and now have a lovely little TB gelding who has done a lot of eventing. He's a super boy - but i'm struggling a lot with confidence jumping. I'm quite happy popping cross poles in trot and canter but worry about straights even if they're little! Horse knows his job inside out and does exactly what i ask, whether it be trot over or steady canter and once i'm actually jumping i get more confident. Its the build up to it - i'm very much an overthinker (have to work hard not to be negative which used to be a big problem!) so my thoughts are much worse than actually doing anything!
Had new boy 6 months now and doing well at dressage but really want to conquer my confidence issues jumping as i DO want to do it! Strangely i'm less anxious about going XC schooling in the next couple of weeks. I'm much better where i have a selection of different heights and can pop round things at my pace as i'm ready.
 
I went to a cognitive behavioral therapist and it was quite effective.

I have also bought myself an air jacket following a fall at a show centre where I actually sommersaulted in the air off my horse and landed flat on my back - my horse is 17.1hh. Luckily I didn't hurt myself too badly but got the jacket the following month.

I've had a couple of trips to A&E also from concussion and spent a night in intensive care many years ago following a fall so I know how you feel.

Its a case of just jumping smaller until you are both happy and gradually increasing the height. If you are at a SJ competition you DONT HAVE TO canter around the course, come back to trot before the fences if it makes you feel better.

I normally jump a clear round first (holding onto the neck strap) and then I feel confident jumping subsequent classes, its almost as if the first class or clear round course gives me the confidence I need to continue through to the next class.

I really feel so much better with my air jacket. £450 is a lot of money, but what price your back or head. I used to find that my problem was that I would fall, land on my back or side and my head would follow through giving me concussion. The Hit Air prevents follow through because the neck inflates, so stopping your head from bouncing!

I even got unseated from my horse jumping the last fence in a jump off - I'd plucked up courage to go up a height and it was a 1.05m class so the jump off was 1.10m, he'd done the class before lovely. Someone I was chatting to in between classes said 'doesn't your horse bascule over the fences, he really lifts his back legs too!". I never thought anything of the comment about him lifting his back legs really high, until we went in the next class, came to the last jump, counted down my strides (all ten of them) took off (and got the lovely sense of "ooh perfect stride everything is well with the world") and promptly got unseated flying backwards off the side onto my back from about six foot in the air!

Next thing I know I am in the café talking to a paramedic with a neck brace on, don't remember getting up, walking across the arena, looking for Bailey, anything. I was told afterwards that my horse had put a jump worthy of a puissance wall effort and had just jumped me out of the saddle, his arse had come up so high! Bit embarrassing as I should really have sat it! Another trip to A&E...........

Like Milliepops said confidence is had won and easily lost and I agree 100% with that statement. I do think an air jacket will give you more confidence, especially if you know when you fall you are more likely (not definitely though) to have less injury.
 
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