Feeling a bit meh

CanterAndBanters

CanterAndBanters

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So I had a baby 18 months ago and before I start this thread, I just want to say how much I absolutely love being a mum... BUT...

Before I had her, I rode 5-6 days a week, travelled out and had lessons etc. I was super independent and spent all of my time on our yard (we're on our own) either riding, doing jobs etc.

Now, I barely ride or even just spend time with them- I'm rushing everywhere and it's recently started to get me down. Now the weather is getting better, I would have been thinking about lighter nights and spending my evenings at the yard with the horses. Now I just don't see how this can happen.

For context- I work full time, own our own yard, have no arena and 4 ponies and 1 horse. Weekends are now taken up with seeing other friends children and birthday parties. My husband is amazing and tells me to just go the yard, but I just can't help but prioritise doing other things with our daughter. I have a groom who does 2 evenings a week and a part loaner for my horse 2 days a week so it's not like I'm tired or not got help.

My ponies are my daughters mini shetland, my in hand showing mare, my retired shetland, my youngster and my big riding mare.

I just feel lonely, like I'm losing who I am (who even is this person now) and I'm craving the life I used to have where I was carefree and riding was who I am. I keep thinking fast forward and she will be riding with me which will be amazing but I can't help but feel like I'm letting myself down and my horses. I know this is temporary but my mare is 18 this year so I know time is prescious with her before she retires.

I swore when I was pregnant that I wouldn't become "just a mum" but that is what has happened. I see people on socials with kids etc and wonder how they do it.

I don't know what I wanted out of this post but I don't know what else to do.
 
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I also don't have kids but I do have a brain full of panicky thoughts and self doubt. My usual problem solver is to think about 6 months or a year or 5 years ahead, what does it feel like would hurt more to regret?

I don't think many people would regret spending more time either with their horses OR their baby so if you think about it that way there are no bad choices here! But if you genuinely feel like you're losing yourself then that's something that would really hurt to think back on in a few years and not to have done anything about. Will you even remember saying no to Little Timmy's first birthday party when you may not even know Little Timmy in 5 years? If you leave baba with Dad for the afternoon, will he look back in a few years and think how nice it was to have that time with her while her mum went off to refill her own cup? Why wouldn't he? If you do give up a day of work, assuming you do the sums and it doesn't cause financial ruin, are you going to look back be be like damn I wish I spent more time at the office and less time with my family? Nah.

To take it to the extreme, you give up what makes you happy for the sake of being perfect mum and in 5 years you're still miserable. Would you resent that? Wouldn't be unreasonable. I think that's too big a risk to take. Go see your ponies.
 
Be kind to yourself as being a parent is hard enough without adding extra unneeded guilt on top!

Me and OH have always had a weekend morning each to do with what we want. Girls are teens and we still do it as we were both strict about protecting it! It means guilt free time to sleep in/ ride/ hide away and know that the other person is solely sorting out kids. Is great as means I know I have a good chunk of time to myself and I can crack on without having to think about anyone else. Also means I know that however hard the week is, I'll have my 'me' time soon where I can remember who I am

With birthday parties, OH covers them on his morning and I do them ones on mine. I also stopped feeling guilty about just saying no as it gets too much in both time and expense!
 
Catbird said:
Be kind to yourself as being a parent is hard enough without adding extra unneeded guilt on top!

Me and OH have always had a weekend morning each to do with what we want. Girls are teens and we still do it as we were both strict about protecting it! It means guilt free time to sleep in/ ride/ hide away and know that the other person is solely sorting out kids. Is great as means I know I have a good chunk of time to myself and I can crack on without having to think about anyone else. Also means I know that however hard the week is, I'll have my 'me' time soon where I can remember who I am

With birthday parties, OH covers them on his morning and I do them ones on mine. I also stopped feeling guilty about just saying no as it gets too much in both time and expense!
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We do have this but how do you do it without feeling guilty? I'm a control freak by nature and find on this time, I'm rushing to get back!
 
smolmaus said:
To take it to the extreme, you give up what makes you happy for the sake of being perfect mum and in 5 years you're still miserable. Would you resent that? Wouldn't be unreasonable. I think that's too big a risk to take. Go see your ponies.
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This! I had some time between horses and felt very flat. OH encouraged me to find another as he could tell I wasn't myself without the horsey fix and a happy me meant a happier (albeit busier!) family. It's hard to fit it all in but spending time with my boy is my mental reset which means I'm more able to do the rest
 
smolmaus said:
I also don't have kids but I do have a brain full of panicky thoughts and self doubt. My usual problem solver is to think about 6 months or a year or 5 years ahead, what does it feel like would hurt more to regret?

I don't think many people would regret spending more time either with their horses OR their baby so if you think about it that way there are no bad choices here! But if you genuinely feel like you're losing yourself then that's something that would really hurt to think back on in a few years and not to have done anything about. Will you even remember saying no to Little Timmy's first birthday party when you may not even know Little Timmy in 5 years? If you leave baba with Dad for the afternoon, will he look back in a few years and think how nice it was to have that time with her while her mum went off to refill her own cup? Why wouldn't he? If you do give up a day of work, assuming you do the sums and it doesn't cause financial ruin, are you going to look back be be like damn I wish I spent more time at the office and less time with my family? Nah.

To take it to the extreme, you give up what makes you happy for the sake of being perfect mum and in 5 years you're still miserable. Would you resent that? Wouldn't be unreasonable. I think that's too big a risk to take. Go see your ponies.
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This actually brought a tear to my eye. Thank you! Like I said, I wasn't really sure what I need out of this post as personally I think it's just a blocker I've got my mind into (see above response to catbird)/
 
Also, how does one have the energy? I see people who are up at the crack of dawn to ride, then at birthday parties in the afternoon. I'm exhausted by one or the other!
 
Also have an 19 month old, own yard 3 horses 1 pony. I don't work Fridays due to our childminder not working that day so I have the in laws to mind our boy and I spend the whole day just enjoying my horses, I dont even go near the house in fear I'll get bogged down with house work. This has done wonders for my MH and I look forward to having every Friday with my horses. Maybe taking a day off work is an option to consider?

Go easy on yourself, its a hard juggling act x
 
CanterAndBanters said:
We do have this but how do you do it without feeling guilty? I'm a control freak by nature and find on this time, I'm rushing to get back!
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Maybe set a time when you'll be back and to begin with force yourself to stay out until then? Swap the control of kid stuff to control your time? Sit in a cafe with a coffee if you've finished horsey stuff early (haha never happens).
I don't always use my whole morning but it's nice to know it's there.
 
Emancipation for women means we now have to work, run a house, raise children and somewhere keep the space which is us/ours. You are sooo not on your own feeling like this and honestly I’m not sure there is a guilt less way through it. Young children benefit massively from good parenting in the first few years…it sets them up for life, honestly. Your horses and ponies don’t mind benign “ neglect” as long as they are fed, watered and have friends. So in all honesty something has to give, work keeps everyone and keeps your identity, children benefit from your time and ponies will be fine to pick up whenever you have time/energy/childcare cover…don’t be hard on yourself this doesn’t last forever 🙂
 
Been there as a mum of 3 (now 10, 16 and 18) and I have to say honestly I gave up horses for a good 10 years until our eldest daughter started showing an interest and having lesson, then a share pony, then our own…. You get the picture! I worked FT, had other less time consuming hobbies and my riding was confined to the odd hack, lesson and riding friends ponies. I’m afraid we can’t have it all and something has to give unless you have deep pockets for paid childcare/ lots of family who will babysit and/or a very understanding partner.
 
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OK - from someone who did it 20 odd years ago and now has grandchildren.

I rented a field and did it all myself and worked full time. Most of the time as a single mum. It's exhausting, especially in winter. I wouldn't do it again alone. My dad found a loan home for my stallion and he went away for nearly 3 years - it broke me to not have him around and the day he came home I steadfastly promised myself I'd never be without a horse again. But what I have learnt over the years is the followiing,

Being lonely is easily solved with a livery - good or bad! The bad ones make you want your own space back and appreciate the peace again!! The good ones are life long friends.

Not riding every day is inevitable - don't stress over it.

Your priorities change - competing became less important to me. A good hack alone to clear my thoughts became treasured rather than a day off from schooling.

Horses book end my day - I can't do with not having the decompressing time that the horses give me at the end of the day and they give me a reason to get up in the morning.

Horses don't 'need' as much care as we think they do. We don't need to put so much pressure on ourselves to have everything 'just so' they are just as happy with a field that poo picked every other day as they are in one that's poo picked twice a day.


A few suggestions the throw in the mix,

Can you advertise a loan for the show mare from your yard. Someone might be looking for a bit of horse time without the commitment or ridden side. Maybe even could show and you could groom for them, that way you still get your showing fix and little one can come along. I have a lady come play with my D gelding who isn't ridden. He loves his in hand showing so she's hoping to do that too.

Can you advertise for some sharers for the little ones? You might end up with a couple of horsey mummy friends and your little one with have some play mates for around the yard.

How old is the youngster? Could they go on youngstock livery for a bit? Would this free up a stable for a livery to give you some riding company?

Do you have a flat bit of field you can fence off to ride in? If little one will take a nap in the pushchair could you squeeze a 20 min session in in a home made paddock?

Is there a space at the yard you can make safe for a play area for little people. I'm not saying unattended, just safe to run around etc.
 
OP, I'm tired just reading your post. Having a young child is exhausting. Doing that with a full time job and FIVE equines? Jeeesus, it would kill me and no wonder you're feeling stretched/flat. If you can drop a day at work, then do (but make sure you're strict on it being YOU time).

I also don't have kids (kudos to those that manage all this!), but I do have friends that went through this stage and you're right in that it's amazing to have them riding with you. One friend even confessed at one point that she regretted having kids, but now her daughter is a teen and well into riding and they go off on loads of adventures together.
 
My mum (80s) is a bit horrified by how many activities small kids go to these days btw. She's a retired teacher so pretty good on child development and she thinks the constant stimulation is bad for them and being 'bored' is good for their development and encouraging their own creativity.

So don't feel bad if you haven't gone to the umpteenth birthday party of the month or you've left the baby and dad on the sofa chilling in front of the football while you ride.
 
CanterAndBanters said:
Also, how does one have the energy? I see people who are up at the crack of dawn to ride, then at birthday parties in the afternoon. I'm exhausted by one or the other!
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DRUGS!! I'm not sure which but I would guess class A. I have a mummy friend who was always all things to all people and bounced around doing everything like a fairy god mother - turns out she was using class A's just to keep all the plates spinning. As you can imagine it didn't end well.

When I see these people on Social Media doing 'everything' the first thing that jumps to my mind is JUNKY!! 🤣 I'm sure it's not always the case and there are people out there that naturally have boundless energy - but I'm a bit pessimistic these days.
 
dorsetladette said:
When I see these people on Social Media doing 'everything' the first thing that jumps to my mind is JUNKY!! 🤣 I'm sure it's not always the case and there are people out there that naturally have boundless energy - but I'm a bit pessimistic these days.
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My first thought is LIAR but I suppose drugs is also an option 😂
 
I don't think anyone can fully appreciate all the things that change when you become a parent. Not until you have one, because all kids are different.

Be kind to yourself, definitely go part time if you can afford it, 2 half days / week? And don't put pressure on trying to have the life you had before. I have a pre teen now who luckily loves my horse so comes along when she can.

And really don't get suckered into the yummy sm horse mummies and families, people mainly post on how amazing they are, not reality. Just block all of those so you don't get affected by it. Everyones lives are different. Social media is not great in this instance.
 
Thank you everyone - I suppose I just needed to hear that it's normal, and everyone understands. It actually made me sad the other day when I my husband asked me a riding question and I responded "I wouldn't know, I don't ride anymore". It was making me sour.

I think I'm going to explore dropping a day at work, and being more strict with my time.
 
If you cant drop a day could you work half days? I'm toying with the idea of working 8 to 3 for the summer, gives me a few hours in the evening before pick up to ride my horses and then at least I am in work 5 days a week if anything comes up. Still similar enough hours to working 4 full days.

Its crazy how much our horses impact our mood, my fiancé is basically forcing me to spend time with the horses as it just puts me in a better mood 😅
 
Unfortunately you can’t give 💯 to everything in your life, but that is hard when you’re used to trying.

My daughter is 2 1/2. And the horses are still here. Doing less than before. A bit scruffier than before. But still perfectly happy.

Don’t go to all the parties and play dates. You really don’t need to. And your daughter won’t mind.

Prioritise close friends and family and if necessary divide and conquer. I do my friends parties and OH does his friends parties for example. And we don’t go to every party that we receive an invitation for.

We try to protect each others time for hobbies, he takes her to a sports club one weekend morning and I ride. I do bedtime routine and he does his hobby in the evening.

I’m also self employed and work a couple of evenings (OH does bedtime) and that frees up some mornings so I can ride.

The guilt doesn’t go. But an outdoor horsey childhood is a gift. They don’t need to be at farm parks every weekend when they’re pottering about helping you.

And do try to include them in what they can be included with.

My little one loves pushing the wheelbarrow around whilst we poo pick. Using her little brush to sweep the yard. Collecting feed buckets and and helping stir the feeds. It all takes longer - but she loves to be included.

When she was little I’d ride whilst she napped. And now she is quite happy playing in the sand (I do need someone to supervise her atm due to setup). But could you fence a safe space to ride or do in hand work. And make a safe play area?

People might post about how marvellous everything in. But they don’t usually post about the guilt or sacrifices they’ve made.
 
SEL said:
My mum (80s) is a bit horrified by how many activities small kids go to these days btw. She's a retired teacher so pretty good on child development and she thinks the constant stimulation is bad for them and being 'bored' is good for their development and encouraging their own creativity.

So don't feel bad if you haven't gone to the umpteenth birthday party of the month or you've left the baby and dad on the sofa chilling in front of the football while you ride.
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This.

In a few years' time, your daughter will have very little memory of how many birthday parties she went to when she was 18 months old. Can you remember much from that age? I guess there is a lot of social pressure from other parents to do these things, but if you can let that wash over you, sounds like you can have weekends as horse time.
 
I find those kind of parties are only useful for parent bonding, kids will have no recollection at all from parties at 18 months old. So don't feel guilty about saying not this time if you have no interest in going and the parents are more acquaintances than friends that you don't want to pursue friendships with.
 
SEL said:
My mum (80s) is a bit horrified by how many activities small kids go to these days btw. She's a retired teacher so pretty good on child development and she thinks the constant stimulation is bad for them and being 'bored' is good for their development and encouraging their own creativity.

So don't feel bad if you haven't gone to the umpteenth birthday party of the month or you've left the baby and dad on the sofa chilling in front of the football while you ride.
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I think your mum is right. I wasn't taken to anything as a child unless I begged and mostly we all occupied ourselves in the school holidays. My friend and I were the oldest and I remember having a 'club' in my back yard, where we sat and made sock puppets with all the younger kids. The perception that it's much less safe nowadays plays a massive part, though (I'm not convinced - I think we were less aware).
 
I suffered with a loss of identity when I had my son 38 years ago... in hindsight I think its something that takes a long time to adjust to. You are a different person now but the feeling of being unrooted does pass... Your child is at one of the most demanding phases at 18 months old, but I do think it unnecessary to fill their time with constant organised activities, so I'd def cut most of that out if you can as its adding to the time-sap.Letting them learn to amuse themselves is a good thing! Can baby be included in jobs at the yard?
And if you can cut down your work hours and replace that with riding time, even if its only once a week for now it would help you feel more you, and remember this phase doesn't last forever. They are constantly growing and becoming more independent of you despite it feeling like a never ending treadmill when they are little.
 
How anyone works full time and be a mum evades me let alone ride! I gave up work when my son was a baby and didnt ride until he went to school,kept the horse on a local farm out with the cattle so the farmer kept an eye on it. Too much is expected of people. You cant do everything. Just enjoy your child. They grow up quickly. Make memories.
 
We used to do Friday afternoon tea, 30 odd years ago, just a few friends and catch up on the chat. There were birthday parties then but maybe only just becoming so very fashionable and presents ridiculously expensive. You certainly didn’t provide the goody bags that seem to be expected. I’d draw up a plan so you have dates on a calendar and know what’s potentially going to happen. Many people chose which birthday parties they go to, one or two a week is definitely too many unless close relatives.
 
Switch your day around. I say this as a mum of two who got back on six weeks after child no.1 (needed to heal first) and two days after child no.2. I lost my competitive bug after kids but have hacked and schooled consistently through.

I know you’re tired (hopefully past the worst of the sleep issues), I know life is now a thousand times busier. But your horse is how you stay sane through that. Make it a routine. In summer, get up at 5 (or however early you need to), go and ride. Tow a pony with you to get another exercised and go for a hack or school in the field. Doesn’t have to be long - 20 minutes is what I have always done as the bare minimum - just enough to give you some ‘me time’ and then some time with you. If dad can be at home for that time depending on his work hours, great. If not, take child, pop securely in their buggy with a phone playing something entertaining securely where they can see it and just enjoy 20 minutes of peace while you ride round them (depending on the safety of your horse - I have ridden round the buggy and I have ridden with it just through the fence next to me). I provided entertainment and it was 20 minutes. If they cried, they cried. They could hear me. They could see me. They were in no danger. Neither cried for long and soon it was our routine. Now both ride as older children, daily, having taken on care of their ponies also as they aged.

Good luck.
 
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