Feeling a little disheartened ... :(

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Bedford Joy

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Im sorry for this post but would like to hear of anyone else in my situation. I have a beautiful TB mare on part livery, I run 3 businesses from home, have 3 children the youngest being 10 months old, my husband "allows" me to have my horse but it's a constant area of arguments whenever financial issues rear their ugly head. I have her on a really, really good rate so its not much money at all really ... I long to spend more time with my mare but sometimes because it's so hard to see her more than once maybe twice a week I feel totally cut off from her ... Hubby won't allow me to spend more time with her and will only look after the children one afternoon a weekend for a couple of hours, the other time is in the week if my mother can babysit. I know money is tight but we can afford her, I just sometimes feel its so long inbetween visits that I'm being selfish having her, but I had to sell my horses a couple if years ago due to pregnancy complications and money and It absolutely broke my heart and it's taken 2 years of waiting before I've been allowed another horse and although she was really, really cheap she's proving to be a horse of a lifetime and I simply won't think if selling her or loaning her ...
Can anyone offer me some words of support ... Please ?
Choccy bics and a cup of tea to anyone who got this far :)
 
I think your husband is being very selfish. If you are only "allowed" a couple of hours a week to yourself, how many hours does he get to do his own thing? Running 3 businesses whilst looking after 3 children deserves more than 2 hours respite! Why does he resent you having time to yourself? Is he the sort of person you can sit down with and explain how you feel and how much having your horse means to you?

I really admire the way you are juggling your child care and businesses, I found it hard enough with one child and one job! Just stick with it, be firm and don't be made to feel guilty and get rid of your horse. When they are all at school you will have more time with your lovely mare.

Sorry I can only offer support and not solutions.
 
It is difficult when you have children and can't get to your horse as often as you would like. Especially when you have a baby. My lo is 3 yrs old and I can only go and see our pony when she's either in pre school, or I have an extra person to help watch her whilst I work - max of 3 times a week at the moment. But your situation won't last forever. It could be worse - you could be horseless altogether.

as for non-horsey hubbys ... well, I think a lot of us struggle with that one. I simply point out to mine that he readily agreed to me having our pony, that we keep her at minimum cost and that if he wants me to work to finance said horse then it will come at the sacrifice of how we wanted to raise our lo.

Unfortunately you can't have everything in life that you want. A horse is great - but as you know, kiddies have to come first. Just enjoy the moments you have with your pony and look forward to the days when you can involve them in it too. i started taking my lo to the yard to ride (in a manner of speaking!) when she was 2 yrs old - but again, that can only happen when there are two of us there with her.

Just try to look on the bright side and ignore your hubby! :D
 
You don't want to loan her which I understand but how about a sharer for a couple of days a week? I know about the negatives but think of the positives: You know your mare is being given some and attention when you can't be there, plus although you can afford her you could ask a sharer for a contribution which might pay for a minder for the children allowing you to get up there another once or twice a week with no impact on finances or your husband's time.
 
Is there anyway that children can sit in the car with some food, drink and a game,book, DVD player whilst you just go And groom the horse. If you can park beside the stable to keep and eye on them I'm sure they will be fine for an hour !
 
Wow thanks guys, your supportive words are so kind. My husband says I have to prioritise so as long as the family comes first then work and the house ( which must be clean and tidy) then I can spend time with my horse. I know things will get easier as the children all go off to school but occasionally I feel it's such a battle even getting those few hours with my mare it makes me feel like not going. I know she's well cared for and happy in herself but it's more me wanting to spend time with her. I can't have sharer or loaner at my yard as its not permitted ... Sorry peeps just feeling a little blue. Thanks again all of you xxx
 
ohhh i shall try and be gentle as you need a hug not a rant but i can always come and kneecap the selfish sod for you if you like:eek::D 'gently' remind him that they are his children too and you are entitled to a life outside of being a mum and wife;) when my dear OH 'forgets' these things and starts moaning i threaten to go on strike and do no washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping, cooking or childcare:D amazing how fast he changes his tune and remembers to appreciate all the boring daily things i do as well as work part time while he is just doing one job :p

I think Dee's idea of a sharer is great, even better if you can find another horsey mum who doesn't have time to own her own horse due to children, you could swap childcare for rides :D
 
myhubby is completely non-horsey so when my daughter was little i used to take her to the yard complete with small wheelbarrow and get her to help me muck out and she loved it. When she got bored I would put her in the tack room which was next door to my stable with a colouring book and one of the other liveries would keep an eye on her whilst I had a quick ride.:) Make the most of the little people they grow up so quick.
 
Bedford Joy said:
Wow thanks guys, your supportive words are so kind. My husband says I have to prioritise so as long as the family comes first then work and the house ( which must be clean and tidy) then I can spend time with my horse. I know things will get easier as the children all go off to school but occasionally I feel it's such a battle even getting those few hours with my mare it makes me feel like not going. I know she's well cared for and happy in herself but it's more me wanting to spend time with her. I can't have sharer or loaner at my yard as its not permitted ... Sorry peeps just feeling a little blue. Thanks again all of you xxx
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I think that you should have some time to yourslf, you shouldnt allow him to bully you either, make it clear that you have to have a break, and stand firm on it. You cant be expected to be a wife, mother, work, housework, and not have anything for yourself.
Hope it works out.
 
How old are your other children? Are they old enough to go for a lesson whilst your spend time with your horse with the wee one in its pram?

I don't know if your name is a clue as to the area in which you live (!) but if it is, I'm in that area too. I know it's difficult to find child friendly yards out there, but I managed it eventually. They are out there ... Perhaps that will allow you to have some more horsey time, as the older kids could keep an eye on your bairn whilst you get some equine cuddles in?
 
Ibblebibble said:
ohhh i shall try and be gentle as you need a hug not a rant but i can always come and kneecap the selfish sod for you if you like:eek::D 'gently' remind him that they are his children too and you are entitled to a life outside of being a mum and wife;) when my dear OH 'forgets' these things and starts moaning i threaten to go on strike and do no washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping, cooking or childcare:D amazing how fast he changes his tune and remembers to appreciate all the boring daily things i do as well as work part time while he is just doing one job :p

I think Dee's idea of a sharer is great, even better if you can find another horsey mum who doesn't have time to own her own horse due to children, you could swap childcare for rides :D
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I would gladly kneecap him too!!!!(lol!!)(I have seven horses, and I dont work, and my OH would know better than to try and make me sacrifice them, even in im moving to Australia, my OH knows its either with the horses, or not at all.
 
I must say I find your description of what your husband does and does not allow quite alarming.:eek:

His whole attitude, judged purely by your words of course, sounds rather like you are the housekeeper and nanny? Certainly not his life partner and cherished mother of his children.

I'm in my sixtys - and this sort of attitude to marriage was outdated way back in my youth, let alone now!

I would be sitting down with him and having a very serious talk about exactly why he has no right to dictate what he will and won't 'allow' me to do. And why I would be expecting him to damn well get his act into gear to lend a hand with the children and home to enable ME to have some sort of life too.

If nothing changes he would find himself sitting in a very messy, absolutely silent house without a dinner sitting on the table for him. Myself and the kids would be long gone. Women didnt go through hell and back to get some sort of life for themselves apart from being housebound mother's and unpaid slaves - for people like your OH to carry on living in Victorian times!
 
Lol you guys ...

My husband is not a man to be crossed :(

My yard doesn't allow the children other than supervised with me by their side so I can't do much in that area unfortunately :(

Am looking at new private yard which might allow me some more flexibility even just to leave sleeping baby in car and go and brush / spend time with my mare.

My life is quite restrictive in many ways right now but I really don't have a choice and I'm hopeful thing will get better xx
 
Bedford Joy said:
Lol you guys ...

My husband is not a man to be crossed :(

My yard doesn't allow the children other than supervised with me by their side so I can't do much in that area unfortunately :(

Am looking at new private yard which might allow me some more flexibility even just to leave sleeping baby in car and go and brush / spend time with my mare.

My life is quite restrictive in many ways right now but I really don't have a choice and I'm hopeful thing will get better xx
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Oh dear, things dont sound great and I echo everyone else's sentiments but it doesn't sound like you can/will change things. Spend some time on here, getting your horsey fix, 'talking' to lots of mad old (and young) bats!
 
Bedford Joy said:
My life is quite restrictive in many ways right now but I really don't have a choice and I'm hopeful thing will get better xx
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It WILL get better. You WILL find a child friendly yard. You WILL find a way to spend more time or better quality time with your equine friend!

Positive Mental Attitude all the way. All us mums get down from time to time and feel restricted by our lifestyle choices - heck, most non-mums do too!

Keep ya chin up - don't lose focus on what you're trying to achieve and don't give up!

xxxxxx

ETA: you could always tell your hubby that if he doesn't shut up and give you more horsey time, that you'll buy a field and buy each of your children a shetland! hahahahahaha! With the fields going at £15 grand an acre around here - plus £400 for each shetland - that should shut him up! :D
 
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Tamba said:
I would gladly kneecap him too!!!!(lol!!)(I have seven horses, and I dont work, and my OH would know better than to try and make me sacrifice them, even in im moving to Australia, my OH knows its either with the horses, or not at all.
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lol if hubs tried to tell me to sacrifice my horse time he would be on the sacrificial table himself with parts of his anatomy missing!!:D
 
The situation with hubby is complicated. He has a temper so I don't cross him, if I did he would definitely not allow me a horse. I have no choice in the matter. I have no resources of my own as i have debts hes helping me pay off so he pays for everything so i try and do what he wants ... Pathetic I know but if I left I'd lose everything ... He is a powerful man :(
And when he's loving and kind I really do love him :)
 
Lol ... Thank you for comments ladies .... They've made me smile, I will consider this a place to speak to kind understanding women who understand what being with a man and having children is like and the challenges that come with that lifestyle choice .... Now I'm off to check the "for sale" ads for 3 naughty Shetland lololol xx
( sorry if I didn't answer everyone's questions, Im quickly typing on the iPhone with a baby climbing up my legs wanting milky ) :)
 
Bedford Joy said:
My husband is not a man to be crossed :(
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:( you are his equal and like grumpyoldmare says, women fought hard for the right to be treated as such. If you let him dictate to you now he always will and things won't change , he will find other things to fill your time with as the children get older.:(

ahh ok just read your last posts, and while i understand now your reasons for accepting his attitude i still think you should remember that you are worth more. :) oh and if you want a kneecapping done i'll do you a special rate ;)
 
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Sorry, but why are you still with this man? I have 2 [now grown up] children and I mae it clear from the start to my then boyfriend that me and my horse come first, if we were to marry he must understand that. 25 years later we are still together and he helps me all the time with my horses. If he said the house had to be clean or anything like that or moaned about the horse I'd have been gone like a shot.
 
Bedford Joy said:
Now I'm off to check the "for sale" ads for 3 naughty Shetland lololol xx
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Brilliant! Get 2 mares and a stallion and threaten to breed them! Then tell him you're gonna drive them too - added cost of trap. Then fib and say they need full livery all year round! When he passes out on the floor through a fevered shock, you can give him a swift kick in the goolies!;)

I understand your problems with your man - I lived for a man for 4 years who was bad tempered like that. I know why you feel trapped. I hope one day that things will improve you.
They did for me - but I had to be rescued by a knight on a white horse for it to happen to me! :rolleyes:
 
My NON-HORSEY husband is also complicated unlike your hubby ,he doesnt restrict me from spending time with my horse,instead hes mean and keeps saying for me to sell my horse and thats NEVER going to happen ,which I have constantly told him NO NO NO. Geez I have really cheap grazing.He just resents the horse and pony.Way I see it is,the horse is my pride and joy.Like yours he says faMILY COMES FIRST.
Glad my youngest is 14 now.
I hope you find a nice new yard that will let you take the kids with you.
Sorry don't mean to be harsh or nasty but your husband sounds like he is controlling and maniplative. Not being nasty but I am living with one also and it is really hard.
Could you find a teen to watch them for a few hours?.
 
Wow, it sounds like you are scared of him :( I feel bad for you. I understand you say he pays for everything etc but that doesn't mean he "owns" you and gets to tell you how to spend all your time.

You work, bring up the kids, cook, clean etc. what does he do to help? You are entitled to some you time. I can't offer advice as don't have kids, just dogs and horse and all my free time is spent at the yard. But I would not let my OH dictate to me what I did and when. I will compromise but luckily he never asks me to.

I really hope things get better for you :)
 
If I didn't know better I'd assume you're married to my ex husband. I used to tell him where to stick his temper. I realise that in your situation it may not be practical in the short term to tell him to go **** himself, but he doesn't sound like a loving life time partner to me. If he's anything like my ex, he's only focusing on the horse time cos it's your weak spot. Whilst your dependent financially, try & give him the impression you're not upset about the horse, bullies go for the weak spot. Try & give him the idea something else is your weak spot instead, then he'll leave the horse alone. Let him think your conscious of your weight/ looks / intelligence instead. That way from his twisted point of view, he still gets a power trip. Not the best solution & definitely not long lasting but in the short term it worked for me.
Is there any chance your horse could go on grass livery with a sharer to free up your time? And in the meantime take the kids up even if its just to feed a few carrots. Most of all, DO NOT let your husband let you know how much you miss horses, that's what gives him control.
 
Just seen your last post. Control & temper aren't small downsides to a loving & kind man. It's more the other way, the loving & kind bit is just as much of a control aspect for a bullying man
 
I just wanted to send some gentle hugs your way.

It sounds like your husband is being very restrictive. Marriage is a partnership and he should keep his side too. I can't give you any advice other that to repeat what everyone else has said.

I, personally, would stop doing any cleaning, washing, tidying etc. I would also leave him to do more child care. See how long it takes him to realise how much you do, and how difficult it all is!

Chin up, I hope things improve and you find the solution you need - whether that be a compromise with your husband, or a life without him.
 
Again some great posts, I do suffer from depression and I think that, that's what keeps me here other than the financial reasons. Reading back my posts and everyone's responses scares me, I've just scratched the surface in describing him today and look at the reponses I got ...

Maybe I should write down all the reasons I should leave or stay in black and white which would give the whole situation perspective. I'm so unhappy but am possibly more scared of starting again with nothing at 42 ... And what would it do to the children :(
 
Bedford Joy said:
Again some great posts, I do suffer from depression and I think that, that's what keeps me here other than the financial reasons. Reading back my posts and everyone's responses scares me, I've just scratched the surface in describing him today and look at the reponses I got ...

Maybe I should write down all the reasons I should leave or stay in black and white which would give the whole situation perspective. I'm so unhappy but am possibly more scared of starting again with nothing at 42 ... And what would it do to the children :(
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Go see your GP and ask to be referred to a counsellor. It's worrying if you're only scratching the surface of his behaviour. I know how easy it is to type everything out online, and forums are great places for reassurance and fabulous advice, but I think this might run deeper, and a counsellor or someone might be able to make a better assessment?

As for starting up again at 42? It would be difficult ... but so is being a mum and keeping a house and having a horse and running businesses. It sounds like you've done a pretty good job of that, so you'd be okay.

You're much stronger than you're letting yourself believe.
 
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