Feeling a little disheartened ... :(

Oh bless you, doesn't sound great at the moment for you. Could you move to a DIY yard so you had to do her yourself whilst getting some you time? Odd suggestion I expect your thinking but my husband is out the door for work at 6am so I am up the yard turning out at 5.30 before daughter gets up. Hes home at 6.30pm so
 
You knew, you are focusing on the horse but honestly, if you did NOT have your horse he would find something else to focus on. This is verging on abusive. I am not saying all men need to bend over backwards to accommodate our animals but all relationships need some give and take. And wrong footing you by then being kind is awful too.

I domt know what to suggest though there would seem to be posters on here who have survived similiar behaviour..I would pm them discreetly and pick their brains..
 
Bedford Joy said:
Again some great posts, I do suffer from depression and I think that, that's what keeps me here other than the financial reasons. Reading back my posts and everyone's responses scares me, I've just scratched the surface in describing him today and look at the reponses I got ...

Maybe I should write down all the reasons I should leave or stay in black and white which would give the whole situation perspective. I'm so unhappy but am possibly more scared of starting again with nothing at 42 ... And what would it do to the children :(
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It would let them see that you are a strong woman, and a positive role model, and that women are not to be treated as inferiors or servants but as equals...

Seriously, you need to find out what your financial position would be should you leave - it will be possible to survive on your own with the kids but it won't be easy, and if you are all ready running three businesses while doing all the childcare and domestic stuff then you have one hell of a work ethic there.

Once you know how things would be should you decide to do anything, then tackle his attitude whether that is between the two of you or by seeking outside help. I would speak to your GP about your situation in general (letting you see the horse is just a symptom of much deeper issues here), lots of GPs will now refer for counselling straight away so you can speak to someone.
 
Sorry - so he'll put her to bed whilst Im putting the horses to bed! It's his QT with our daughter and my QT with my horses after a busy day of running my own child minding business, house, daughter, etc etc! I hope things will get easier for you.
And to add, you could sell DIY suggestion as being cheaper than part livery....?
 
It would obviously be very hard for both you and your children. But having grown up in a household where my Dad controlled my Mum and had a bad temper, this is something you don't want your children to accept as the norm. They need to see that relationships are about being equal. Not that Mum is unhappy and repressed by Dad. Prob one of the reasons I will never have children as I can't bear the thought of being financially dependant on someone else and therefore stuck with them.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck and if you run 3 businesses you are obviously an intelligent woman and can't start again. My Mum did and was the best thing she ever did x
 
Bedford Joy said:
Again some great posts, I do suffer from depression and I think that, that's what keeps me here other than the financial reasons. Reading back my posts and everyone's responses scares me, I've just scratched the surface in describing him today and look at the reponses I got ...

Maybe I should write down all the reasons I should leave or stay in black and white which would give the whole situation perspective. I'm so unhappy but am possibly more scared of starting again with nothing at 42 ... And what would it do to the children :(
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Crumbs. This is a big moment for you. You may not think you are strong enough to survive on your own - but you ARE. The children will blossom for having a happy mum. Consider the damage that this relationship is doing to your children - to their perceptions of a happy family, of being a free and respected spirit. What they see and learn from your relationship will colour how they manage their own relationships in the future. Being a child and watching an abusive relationship is no fun at all. If your husband controls you, he will in turn start to control and bully your children.

I have been where you are. If you need to chat or pm - if just to vent, cry, seek support - I am more than happy to help you. I too was depressed, bullied, beaten and made to feel like *****. Life is too short to spend it like that. Just wanted to send you a hug and a hand of friendship. You are capable of far more than you think. And when you are free - if you feel that is the right move for you - then you will realise this. It is so difficult to see it like that, when you're in the middle of it. But take strength from everything you have read here.

Good luck. Never allow yourself, or your children, to be a victim. You are stronger than that. Us horsey folk are 'ard as nails! chuckle.

xxxxxxxx
 
I did have counselling when I was pregnant with my last child as I was seriously depressed. They put me under a physiatrist as they were very worried about me. I refused medication as I was worried about the effect on the baby. I have been better since having the baby but living with someone who calls you a "lazy bitch" and other things just gets me down :(
 
You need to find a child friendly yard. I had 4 kids in my care this morning while their mummys rode in the school and then I mucked out. I love the kids but I needed a lie down after that.
 
Anyone who is in an abusive relationship will become depressed. And name calling like that? Yup - that counts as abuse. Anyway, with 3 kids, 3 businesses and a house to run, you can hardly be called lazy! He is just using words to deliberately hurt you.
 
Counselling through a gp can have waiting lists & I think you need practical help too if you plan to leave before the children are adults. Find a helpline for domestic abuse (which whether its physical or mental or both it is). They can offer experienced practical advice whether you stay or go, & have voluntary counsellors in some areas.
As for how much it might affect the children, do you think he'll be any different towards them when they're in their teens & start having strong opinions on what they like to do?
 
I'm sorry but he sounds like an a*se hole!! You sound far from lazy to me. What he is doing is making you feel bad about yourself so you think you are worthless and will put up with his behaviour.

You and your kids deserve better.

If you didn't have a horse he'd only find something else to make you feel bad about.

My guess is he's got some serious issues which you bear the brunt of :( x
 
EmsHooper said:
Crumbs. This is a big moment for you. You may not think you are strong enough to survive on your own - but you ARE. The children will blossom for having a happy mum. Consider the damage that this relationship is doing to your children - to their perceptions of a happy family, of being a free and respected spirit. What they see and learn from your relationship will colour how they manage their own relationships in the future. Being a child and watching an abusive relationship is no fun at all. If your husband controls you, he will in turn start to control and bully your children.
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agree with this, it wouldn't be easy but you are already doing everything as if you were a single parent anyway!!! how much support do you get from your parents, what do they think of your husband? no marriage is a complete dream, me and the hubs have been married nearly 13 years and we've struggled through some tough times and there have been times where it would have been easy to walk away (or find him a 1 bed flat;) ) but the difference in our marriage is that he values me, he knows how much i put in and ok he needs reminding sometimes but deep down he knows:)
You may be 42 but you are not over the hill, you still have a life ahead of you and maybe now is the time to decide what kind of life you want that to be:).xx
 
I agree with all the posts about your husband etc, but that is a situation only those who know the details can advise on!!

Is there any way you can do swops with friends in order to get an afternoon on your own? I have 4 kids and always had extras here before they were school age, so that mine could go and play at my friends' houses in return so I could ride. It meant that I could ride 3/4 times a week most weeks....

My horses were the only thing that kept me sane....or nearly sane anyway ;-)

Where abouts in the country are you?? (I didn't know if your username was a clue, in which case I may be close....)
 
I wouldn't advocate any instant action but 42 is so definitely not over the hill if you do decide to go it alone. You may have another 40 years with what sounds like a very controlling husband and in my view that would be much tougher than tackling things alone for the next five years, by which time all the kids will be at school and you will have your life back.
My approach when my partner got grouchy about time spent with horses (which he's now grown out of!) was that I was a sooo much nicer person when I had my "own" time to spend with them and eventually he agreed. It was probably the hoovering around him when he was trying to watch TV...
 
Thanks ladies, I'm actually in Hampshire. Bedford Joy was the racing name my mare raced under. I'm going to have a long think about things tonight ... Do I want to be in this relationship in another 20 years ? We've been together 20 years and it's always been the same really. I have to be careful what I post as he monitors my emails, posts, texts, phone calls etc etc
I may well contact some of you privately but I want to thank EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU for your support today. You have no idea what it means to me :)
 
I really feel for you, I cannot imagine what it must be like living with such a controlling person. Have a good think about what future you want for yourself and your children, you sound like such a strong person but have been controlled for so long by this man you cannot see another way.
Huge hugs, take care of yourself and I hope you can find a way out. xx
 
I think you'd find if you left, with three smal children you would definitely not have nothing. I strongly advise you to go and speak to your doctor as I'ma fraid your posts sound like your husband is extremeelty controlling and potentially abusive? What sort of house is that for the kids to grow up in? you are an adult. They are his kids. If he will not 'allow' you to do your horse etc. then he is controlling you. It would be different if you could not afford the horse but it does not sound to be that way. Go and speak to your doctor about anxiety/if there is any help for your situation.
 
I just wanted to add some words of support. I am currently 36 weeks pregnant and my OH gets grumpy about my yard time, to the point where we will have rows about it. We went for counselling during this pregnancy and sorted out a lot of issues, including horsey ones. He now understands that my horse is not just a hobby, she is my passion and my sport. I have also arranged a sharer for after the birth to help with bills (another bone of contention) and my guilt at not seeing my mare as often as I should.
However - I do agree with other posters that the real issue here is not your horse, your OH has simply chosen her as another method of control. From your description he is verbally absuive and highly controlling. Please do get in touch with a helpline for victims of domestic abuse. Abusers destroy our confidence so we will not leave, it is very common for them to cut you off from friends, family and outside interests so that you are totally 'theirs'. I hope you will find the help and suport you need to gain confidence to be the person you want, and need, to be. Your children will thank you for it, I am sure.
 
Bedford Joy said:
Thanks ladies, I'm actually in Hampshire. Bedford Joy was the racing name my mare raced under. I'm going to have a long think about things tonight ... Do I want to be in this relationship in another 20 years ? We've been together 20 years and it's always been the same really. I have to be careful what I post as he monitors my emails, posts, texts, phone calls etc etc
I may well contact some of you privately but I want to thank EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU for your support today. You have no idea what it means to me :)
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oh blimey what a nightmare you must feel so trapped. I hope he doesn't hit you as well.

Wish I could help in some way x
 
Im sorry did you say he "allows" you :eek::eek::eek:
Im sorry it doesnt happen often, but i have no words ..... :eek: or rather, none that i can put on a public forum to say how i would respond to my husband if he tried that one .
 
I think you should be contacting the Womens Refuge. Honestly. Take care of yourself. Dont worry about the horse and the debts. Neither are as important as you and your children.
 
Bedford Joy said:
Thanks ladies, I'm actually in Hampshire. Bedford Joy was the racing name my mare raced under. I'm going to have a long think about things tonight ... Do I want to be in this relationship in another 20 years ? We've been together 20 years and it's always been the same really. I have to be careful what I post as he monitors my emails, posts, texts, phone calls etc etc
I may well contact some of you privately but I want to thank EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU for your support today. You have no idea what it means to me :)
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you take care.xx
 
Hi, just wanted to say hello and that there is so much great advice on this thread.

I hope you find the courage to seek help and advice on your situation. It is not normal to be controlled like that. It is not good for children to grow up seeing one parent controlled and treated badly like that. They are still tiny by the sound of it, but will be picking up on it soon.

You sound like a strong lady in all other areas of your life. You can't be incapable of supporting yourself if you can run a house, three businesses and toddlers all in one go!

I highly doubt that you would lose everything if you were to leave. You may not end up in as grand a house, but you would have your own space and life, to organise as you like. He will probably tell you that he will take the kids away from you, and that he has powerful lawyers on his side to fight you with, but he is bluffing. No judge in their right mind would give custody to someone who has bullied their mother so much...

I also suspect that 90% of your depression would disappear if you didn't have him breathing down your neck...

In the meantime, could you hire a babysitter or childminder for a couple of hours a day once or twice a week to take the children while you go to the yard - he wouldn't even have to know, would he?

Out of interest, is he older than you? A few of my friends had relationships like this, where, when younger, they accepted everything as fact that their husbands said. One day (in their late 30s/early 40s) they grew up and thought, "Hang on..."

42 isn't old! I'm 42 and would like to think that I could start again if I had to, probably easier than when I was younger too! My mum left my dad at 61 and did great on her own...

Chin up, take care, and start thinking about taking some advice...xx
 
I am at a yard in Hampshire and its very child friendly, near Southampton.whereabouts are you? Pm me if you want.
Take care
 
This is WAAAY more than just about a horse! I've been where you are, and you really need some support. Do not let this man treat you this way, please. You are worth more than that, your children are worth more than that, and to let him treat you this way is bad for all of you. Please, there is help out there - contact someone and GET OUT of this situation.
 
So much amazing advice on here as usual.

When someone tells you something over and over, you end up believing it to be true - especially when it comes from someone who is meant to love and protect you. It is controlling, manipulative behaviour.
You can walk away from this. It would be hard, but you can achieve anything if you want it bad enough (especially when you have the children to spur you on)

I know - because I left my 1st husband. He was abusive with his fists, not so much emotionally.
That was 15 years ago - I had a 2 year old daughter. I worked my backside off as a single parent for 8 1/2 years. Ended up with my own house, a great job, nice car etc - but more importantly I was so happy. I am even happier now I am married to a wonderful man and we have been together 8 1/2 years now.

I also offer you the hand of friendship and would gladly give you the support you need. If you ever need someone to talk to please do pm me.

If my husband ever "allowed" me time to spend with my horse.....he would be out the door with my size 6's up his backside.
 
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