Marydoll
Well-Known Member
I want to break into spontaneous applause at this post good offer of support there op
Feeling a little disheartened ... :(
- Thread starter Bedford Joy
- Start date
I want to break into spontaneous applause at this post good offer of support there op
Tamba
Well-Known Member
me, too, totally agree, its so lovely to read such support.
I must admit, he is very lucky hs not married to me, as I would likely commit murder, and plead insanity!!!,, As I go crazy, if anyone gets inbetween me and my animals ...!!
was going to say horses, but I have one big soppy boxer sitting on my lap !!!drooling!!!
CinnamonChristmasCookie
Fais pas chier!
I'm sorry but he sounds like an a*se hole!! You sound far from lazy to me. What he is doing is making you feel bad about yourself so you think you are worthless and will put up with his behaviour.
You and your kids deserve better.
If you didn't have a horse he'd only find something else to make you feel bad about.
My guess is he's got some serious issues which you bear the brunt ofx
Regardless of his issues, I think the children and you ought not to be subjected to mental abuse which you are clearly experiencing. My OH is the domestic violence trained officer on his team (police). Please feel free to pm me.
This is much more than the horse, it is your life. Are you really happy with him? The way he treats you will impact on the children and DV is cyclical.
Parker79
Well-Known Member
Wow - You have an awful lot on your plate. You might want a cuppa before starting this....... I think I would start by saying that you do not need to worry about your horse being 'wasted'. Sound like your horse is enjoying a fantastic time. So apart from trying to see her for your own benefit then you should perhaps park this worry for now.
Maybe start by looking after yourself? and in turn then your will feel more able to deal with such a hard situation.
Can I be very personal and ask whether you have agreed to taking medication now? How old is Baby? Depression sucks the life out of you and is FAR FAR worse after having kids....I'm not just talking the 6 months after but in general, lack of sleep, some post natal (which lasts a much longer time than people think). Sleep deprivation is such a major issue, you find yourself saying 'well other people have kids? of course I should manage!' but it sounds like you are lacking support. Sometimes medication is the best route, its not forever and its not as scary as it seems.
The problems with your OH sound really serious..however, you I think you will find it hard to make any sense of your situation and handling everything until you seek some professional help. The problems you speak of should not be taken lightly, you only have 1 life and its not a dress rehearsal!! fight for it!
The only other thing I would say....you probably put your kids before anything and therefore feel that they are not affected and you must stay with OH for their sake and financial reasons, but please remember they also need a happy mummy...its impossble to pretend...honestly! I'm not saying that to add to your pressure, purely just so that you do not feel you HAVE to stay in a situation where you are so unhappy.
Who knows, if you do not feel strong enough to leave right now, some help and professional support could at least help you take back some control in your life and help you to feel happy again.
Good luck looking for livery yards if you decide to do this (I am also in Hampshire so PM me if you like) And I really do hope you can find the support you need. Also glad you have found horse of a lifetime..thats a good positive to work from!
Maybe start by looking after yourself? and in turn then your will feel more able to deal with such a hard situation.
Can I be very personal and ask whether you have agreed to taking medication now? How old is Baby? Depression sucks the life out of you and is FAR FAR worse after having kids....I'm not just talking the 6 months after but in general, lack of sleep, some post natal (which lasts a much longer time than people think). Sleep deprivation is such a major issue, you find yourself saying 'well other people have kids? of course I should manage!' but it sounds like you are lacking support. Sometimes medication is the best route, its not forever and its not as scary as it seems.
The problems with your OH sound really serious..however, you I think you will find it hard to make any sense of your situation and handling everything until you seek some professional help. The problems you speak of should not be taken lightly, you only have 1 life and its not a dress rehearsal!! fight for it!
The only other thing I would say....you probably put your kids before anything and therefore feel that they are not affected and you must stay with OH for their sake and financial reasons, but please remember they also need a happy mummy...its impossble to pretend...honestly! I'm not saying that to add to your pressure, purely just so that you do not feel you HAVE to stay in a situation where you are so unhappy.
Who knows, if you do not feel strong enough to leave right now, some help and professional support could at least help you take back some control in your life and help you to feel happy again.
Good luck looking for livery yards if you decide to do this (I am also in Hampshire so PM me if you like) And I really do hope you can find the support you need. Also glad you have found horse of a lifetime..thats a good positive to work from!
PoshDonkey
Member
Hi, Ive been upset by your thread - it took me back to being exactly where you are now! I've tried to send you a PM, but system keeps logging me out!
You've been offered some fantastic advice here, those who are telling you it is more serious than 'just' the horse are so right! After taking legal advice (when he left me eventually), I found out I could have made him leave, i'd have been able to stay in my home with the children, and have financial support from him.
I've tried to send you my email and phone number, if you PM me with a number, I'll text them to you if I can't send them through here. I'm always willing to listen and give moral support, share experiences etc, or just talk horse!
I'll keep trying to pm you, I don't want to share too much on an open forum, but I do understand how you feel, take care!
You've been offered some fantastic advice here, those who are telling you it is more serious than 'just' the horse are so right! After taking legal advice (when he left me eventually), I found out I could have made him leave, i'd have been able to stay in my home with the children, and have financial support from him.
I've tried to send you my email and phone number, if you PM me with a number, I'll text them to you if I can't send them through here. I'm always willing to listen and give moral support, share experiences etc, or just talk horse!
I'll keep trying to pm you, I don't want to share too much on an open forum, but I do understand how you feel, take care!
millikins
Well-Known Member
This sounds awful for you. I too was in an abusive relationship, I left when my daughter was 3 weeks old, life was tough but we've done O.K. DON'T give up your horse, she's the one thing that's all yours which is probably why he resents her so much, find a yard and a sharer, grass livery, whatever. My dog was equally hated. Just a thought, why are the only comments on here about you leaving, it sounds as though you'd have every right to kick him out.
millikins
Well-Known Member
Ah, PoshDonkey, well said.
ghostie
Well-Known Member
Sending hugs your way. Having been in a controlling relationship and walked away with nothing to start again I can honestly say it was the best thing I ever did. I refuse to ever put myself in the position of worrying about what a man will "allow" or being scared of his reaction ever again.
It might sound impossible to leave but it isn't. Break it down into baby steps. Can you quietly and subtly move your horse to grass livery for now? Turn her away and take her shoes off to keep the cost of keeping her right down in case you want to leave. Personally I would have avoided telling my Oh where the horse was. If you have a trusted female Friend or relative to confide in please do. Even if you have lost touch with an old friend it is worth speaking to them if you can, if you are honest you will be amazed how supportive people can be.
Consider speaking to an impartial person frpm a charity for help and support. Your Gp Will ne able to point you in the riht direction.be.
It might sound impossible to leave but it isn't. Break it down into baby steps. Can you quietly and subtly move your horse to grass livery for now? Turn her away and take her shoes off to keep the cost of keeping her right down in case you want to leave. Personally I would have avoided telling my Oh where the horse was. If you have a trusted female Friend or relative to confide in please do. Even if you have lost touch with an old friend it is worth speaking to them if you can, if you are honest you will be amazed how supportive people can be.
Consider speaking to an impartial person frpm a charity for help and support. Your Gp Will ne able to point you in the riht direction.be.
ghostie
Well-Known Member
Sorry, phone went crazy. Your Gp can point you in the direction of helplines you can speak with.
Speaking from experience, please make sure you delete this site from your browsing history. You say he reads your texts and emaila, you don't want him reading this.
Be strong for yourself and your children x x
Speaking from experience, please make sure you delete this site from your browsing history. You say he reads your texts and emaila, you don't want him reading this.
Be strong for yourself and your children x x
millimoo
Well-Known Member
One of the saddest and raw posts I've ever read on here...
OP I genuinely wish you well, and hope you can build a strong network of people on this forum to give you the strength to begin taking small steps to a better life. You're situation sounds truly awful.
I wish my sister in law could read this thread to realise how near damned brilliant her marriage to my brother is.... She wants a divorce in 12 months time after she's paid off her car loan??? (after 20 years and 3 children, the youngest of which is 2yrs old). She says she's bored, doesn't like him very much, and is sick of not going on holidays etc. He loves her, and whilst no fool has put up with her bitching, and totally unreasonable bullyish behaviour over the years, desperatley trying to keep the peace and stay together for the kids (who have seen her reduce him to tears - he's 42, the main breadwinner, pays all the bills and is a bright, intelligent man)
You sound such a lovely person and hope things get better for you soon.
OP I genuinely wish you well, and hope you can build a strong network of people on this forum to give you the strength to begin taking small steps to a better life. You're situation sounds truly awful.
I wish my sister in law could read this thread to realise how near damned brilliant her marriage to my brother is.... She wants a divorce in 12 months time after she's paid off her car loan??? (after 20 years and 3 children, the youngest of which is 2yrs old). She says she's bored, doesn't like him very much, and is sick of not going on holidays etc. He loves her, and whilst no fool has put up with her bitching, and totally unreasonable bullyish behaviour over the years, desperatley trying to keep the peace and stay together for the kids (who have seen her reduce him to tears - he's 42, the main breadwinner, pays all the bills and is a bright, intelligent man)
You sound such a lovely person and hope things get better for you soon.
YorksG
Over the hill and far awa
To the OP if you husband monitors your phone, please get a different pay as you go one, use it to contact helplines etc. If you do decide to leave, please make sure you have an 'escape plan', which he does not know about. I have over the years helped women leave abusive partners. The best way to go is to make sure that he does not know you are planning to.
Ladydragon
Well-Known Member
The situation with hubby is complicated. He has a temper so I don't cross him, if I did he would definitely not allow me a horse. I have no choice in the matter. I have no resources of my own as i have debts hes helping me pay off so he pays for everything so i try and do what he wants ... Pathetic I know but if I left I'd lose everything ... He is a powerful man
And when he's loving and kind I really do love him
The "allowed" and your post above raise so many red flags sweetie...
Maybe I should write down all the reasons I should leave or stay in black and white which would give the whole situation perspective. I'm so unhappy but am possibly more scared of starting again with nothing at 42 ... And what would it do to the children
I think, before you make lists, you might need some professional help to make sure your depression is controlled... It's tough to make decisions and view life somewhat impartially if you're not in a good place to start with... One thing you can take control of is hunting around for a more child/sharer friendly yard and give yourself and your children more chance to enjoy time with your horse...
If you don't have the freedom to confide in a family member or close friend, speak (using a different phone) to an organisation such as Women's Aid or another who are attuned to the variances of domestic abuse - just to talk and find some personal validation... Don't rush into doing anything you're not comfortable with but use every option you can find to quietly empower yourself with support and legal advice for when or if you feel able to make changes... Be those changes within the balance of 'power' in your marriage or deciding to step away from it... Those are decisions only you can make but arm yourself with better health, more confidence, self belief, knowledge and a lot more self love and appreciation...
I started over...with three kids, one of whom had severe health complications and it was pretty damn tough initially... But it all got better, a hell of a lot better...
x
muddymate
Member
Honey, does he "allow" you to have friends? Could they help, maybe take the children for a bit whilst you spend a bit of time with the horse? I suspect the answer is no, he isolates you? Please get away from this bully now, don't hang on 'for the children' they won't thank you for sticking with a controlling man like this. They will just suffer quietly, watching whilst you keep the house 'clean and tidy' until they can escape. Everything you have said points to a passive-aggresive bully whose behaviour will just worsen if you try and reason with him /stand up for yourself. This advice may sound extreme but his behaviour may not involve fists, but it IS abuse. I would also remove your browsing history from your computer, he won't be happy if he reads what has been posted here...and he will. Good luck get away now.
Bedford Joy
Well-Known Member
Oh my god people .... I am completely blown away by your posts. When I posted this, yesterday I kept my fingers tightly crossed that someone would reply kindly and just hear me, but this is just incredible. Thank you, thank you so much. I will do my very best to reply to those who have offered support privately ( and publicly too) and for those who are concerned about him reading my posts etc don't be. I am now at a point in my life that I am finally beginning to realise that if he does read things I have posted then so be it. As long as I've not lied or been deceitful then I no longer care that it could make him angry ... I know what makes him really angry so avoid those topics or behaviours ... And reading these posts could possibly p**s him off but I'm guessing not REALLY angry. Besides he's very busy at the moment with work so hopefully won't have time to check up on my Internet activity at the moment. He's blocked all websites that are related to horses so I can only access h&h via my iPhone
I would spend sometimes a couple of hours a day looking at ponies and horses for sale after I had to sell my horses 2 years ago And I would lose track of time so he banned those websites and I can no longer access them
What does disturb me is my pereception of my relationship ... If I am truly honest about his behaviour he is classically abusive and yet I feel myself justifying his behaviour and telling myself " we aren't the same as other abusive relationships, he's right with what he says sometimes, and it's my fault he gets angry, he doesn't behave this way with anyone else so it must be my fault " it's bizarre, even though if I were a freind of mine I would be able to see clearly the relationship for what it is, but as my husband can be so lovely, caring, hard working, intelligent, popluar and a fantastic father then it must be something Im doing wrong ... I can't believe I am being abused ... How l is that ... Am I right or am I making excuses for him ? So confusing ...
I live in a large house, with a big car, and from the outside everything appears perfect, and yet I long for my own little flat that is mine, only mine. Where I do housework if I chose to do it. Where I won't lie in bed at night with my heart pounding with worry if I hear him getting angry downstairs. Where I won't have to pretend to be happy and jolly to keep the atmosphere positive ... Treading on eggshells all the time is mentally exhausting . I think maybe if he was with someone else he would be happy ?
Sorry if I'm rambling it's 2.43 am and I've just fed the baby and he's gone back to sleep so I'm back off to bed myself now. I really will try and respond to those who offered help and again, thank you, thank you all !!!
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I would spend sometimes a couple of hours a day looking at ponies and horses for sale after I had to sell my horses 2 years ago And I would lose track of time so he banned those websites and I can no longer access them
What does disturb me is my pereception of my relationship ... If I am truly honest about his behaviour he is classically abusive and yet I feel myself justifying his behaviour and telling myself " we aren't the same as other abusive relationships, he's right with what he says sometimes, and it's my fault he gets angry, he doesn't behave this way with anyone else so it must be my fault " it's bizarre, even though if I were a freind of mine I would be able to see clearly the relationship for what it is, but as my husband can be so lovely, caring, hard working, intelligent, popluar and a fantastic father then it must be something Im doing wrong ... I can't believe I am being abused ... How l is that ... Am I right or am I making excuses for him ? So confusing ...
I live in a large house, with a big car, and from the outside everything appears perfect, and yet I long for my own little flat that is mine, only mine. Where I do housework if I chose to do it. Where I won't lie in bed at night with my heart pounding with worry if I hear him getting angry downstairs. Where I won't have to pretend to be happy and jolly to keep the atmosphere positive ... Treading on eggshells all the time is mentally exhausting . I think maybe if he was with someone else he would be happy ?
Sorry if I'm rambling it's 2.43 am and I've just fed the baby and he's gone back to sleep so I'm back off to bed myself now. I really will try and respond to those who offered help and again, thank you, thank you all !!!
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ladydragon
Well-Known Member
What does disturb me is my pereception of my relationship ... If I am truly honest about his behaviour he is classically abusive and yet I feel myself justifying his behaviour and telling myself " we aren't the same as other abusive relationships, he's right with what he says sometimes, and it's my fault he gets angry, he doesn't behave this way with anyone else so it must be my fault " it's bizarre, even though if I were a freind of mine I would be able to see clearly the relationship for what it is, but as my husband can be so lovely, caring, hard working, intelligent, popluar and a fantastic father then it must be something Im doing wrong ... I can't believe I am being abused ... How l is that ... Am I right or am I making excuses for him ? So confusing ...
Your view is perfectly, absolutely, normal for someone who is lacking in confidence and has been undermined and is unable (health and his influence perhaps) to consider yourself in the same way you could look at a friend in a similar situation... And sometimes, the devil we know, in tandem with a 'picture postcard' life totally skews what we think is normal or right...
Is that an ideal way to live or a truthful outlook to have? No, definitely not... But you are no lesser for feeling that way right now and might need a bit of help to straighten your thinking and be able to make informed choices... Whatever they may be...
labruyere
Well-Known Member
ummmm.... i don't think the horse is the problem...
i have several horsey friends and clients in a similar situation
if i was giving you tough love i would have to say you are at least partly creating this yourself by allowing yourself to be treated this way (sorry)
i might be misjudging your partner but i have a horrible feeling, even if you gave up the horse, he would quickly find something else that you would be expected to sacrifice -
after all you're obviously just selfish by naure, whilst he is always perfectly reasonable in his turn.......
HUGS
and remember...
don't confuse sympathy and empathy
i have several horsey friends and clients in a similar situation
if i was giving you tough love i would have to say you are at least partly creating this yourself by allowing yourself to be treated this way (sorry)
i might be misjudging your partner but i have a horrible feeling, even if you gave up the horse, he would quickly find something else that you would be expected to sacrifice -
after all you're obviously just selfish by naure, whilst he is always perfectly reasonable in his turn.......
HUGS
and remember...
don't confuse sympathy and empathy
labruyere
Well-Known Member
afraid that, being new here, i didn't realise there were several pages of comments - just saw first few.
having read through the full thread i now have a much better understanding of your situation and therefore would ask you to ignore the second para of my previous reply
its encouraging to see you growing in strength and confidence as the thread takes its course
take good care of yourself and those that really matter to you
at 42 you've still got a whole second life in front of you....
having read through the full thread i now have a much better understanding of your situation and therefore would ask you to ignore the second para of my previous reply
its encouraging to see you growing in strength and confidence as the thread takes its course
take good care of yourself and those that really matter to you
at 42 you've still got a whole second life in front of you....
smellsofhorse
Well-Known Member
My other half is very understanding, and very helpful.
I do my part to by getting up very early, going to yard and getting back before daughter gets up.
I will other times go to yard a 3rd time in the day, park by the arena, give her cake and toys and ride then.
Does your husband have an outside hobby?
Does he get time to do as he pleases?
I think its give and take and understanding.
Could you get a sharer to give your mare some one to one and help you with the costs?
I do my part to by getting up very early, going to yard and getting back before daughter gets up.
I will other times go to yard a 3rd time in the day, park by the arena, give her cake and toys and ride then.
Does your husband have an outside hobby?
Does he get time to do as he pleases?
I think its give and take and understanding.
Could you get a sharer to give your mare some one to one and help you with the costs?
Littlelegs
Well-Known Member
Whilst you're in one, nobody thinks their abusive relationship is the same as a 'real abusive relationship' its only when you get away you realise. It's not strange either to think some of it's your fault, your trying to justify what he does instead of see him for what he is. I really do think you should contact a domestic abuse helpline. They'll be able to help with stuff like financial & housing advice. Feel free to pm me.
sprytzer
Well-Known Member
(((hugs))) for you OP.....i think you have been given excellent advice here.
By starting this post you have just taken the 1st step towards doing something about your situation, i hope you can keep stepping forwards, stay positive and strong and do the right thing for yourself and your children. You know what you need to do and i'm sure you have the courage to do it.
By starting this post you have just taken the 1st step towards doing something about your situation, i hope you can keep stepping forwards, stay positive and strong and do the right thing for yourself and your children. You know what you need to do and i'm sure you have the courage to do it.
PoppyAnderson
Well-Known Member
From your other posts, it does sound like you're getting the opportunity to enjoy your horse at times and have lessons, so I hope you find some solace in those moments and draw strength from them.
Ibblebibble
Well-Known Member
the people on HHO can move mountains when they want to
use the support that's being offered and let them help you take control of your life and start living again.x
use the support that's being offered and let them help you take control of your life and start living again.xMoggy in Manolos
Well-Known Member
I have not read all the replies as there are too many.
I agree with Tamba Even though I do not currently manage children as well as the usual stuff I feel that every mother should be allowed time to be herself still. I think it is essential to your mental health which in turn has a bearing on your life and those around you and how you cope with what life and people throw at you. Try and stay strong and stay firm that you spend time with your mare as best you can, do not be put off x
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sleepykitten
Well-Known Member
I have been in tears reading this OP, utterly blown away by the support and advice given by HHO forum members, what a fantastic support network and some fantastic advice.
I have never been in your situation OP, nor would like to find myself there, the only words I can offer having had a bad run recently and lost 3 family members in 12 months, is to get things into perspective, you only get one shot at life and you need to make sure that you are living for you and the things that are important to you, one life, you might as well be happy.
Lending you hugs and support xxxxx
I have never been in your situation OP, nor would like to find myself there, the only words I can offer having had a bad run recently and lost 3 family members in 12 months, is to get things into perspective, you only get one shot at life and you need to make sure that you are living for you and the things that are important to you, one life, you might as well be happy.
Lending you hugs and support xxxxx
Skippys Mum
Well-Known Member
The advice given about getting your horse quietly moved is good advice. Even if it means you dont get to see her for a while. I would also be inclined to perhaps "sell" her - on paper only to a good friend so that hubby cant touch her.
Hugs from another one who has worn this t shirt xxxx
Hugs from another one who has worn this t shirt
xxxx
labruyere
Well-Known Member
dug this out as i thought you might find it useful
esp the anecdote about the child in secret 1 (substitute partner for parent)
and secret 6 might give you a useful 'secret weapon' for your situation
book is free and allowed to be given away, so i'm not breaking copyright or anything
we haven't heard from you in a few days, hope that's for positive reasons
best regards
link below:
http://www.ee-to-er.com/7 secret tips.html
esp the anecdote about the child in secret 1 (substitute partner for parent)
and secret 6 might give you a useful 'secret weapon' for your situation
book is free and allowed to be given away, so i'm not breaking copyright or anything
we haven't heard from you in a few days, hope that's for positive reasons
best regards
link below:
http://www.ee-to-er.com/7 secret tips.html
Hedgewitch13
Well-Known Member
I cannot offer any more advice than has already been written on here but wanted you to know that I too live in Hampshire (near Portsmouth) so if you ever need someone to talk to then give me a shout x
lurcherlu
Well-Known Member
Get some diazapan from your doc for your depression and slip him a few in meals, soften him up a bit.....
On a serious note though, your debts - are they in your name? if so try to apply for a debt relief order, go to citizens advice they can help you and ask them to address any letters to a parents/friends house so he doesn't see. Your credit rating will be affected but i imagine you cant get a mortgage anyway? You will be able to get housing benefit for renting and if you apply to womans refuge you and kids should end up with a council house. Not what you may be used to but you will be happy.
Please let us all know you are ok ....
On a serious note though, your debts - are they in your name? if so try to apply for a debt relief order, go to citizens advice they can help you and ask them to address any letters to a parents/friends house so he doesn't see. Your credit rating will be affected but i imagine you cant get a mortgage anyway? You will be able to get housing benefit for renting and if you apply to womans refuge you and kids should end up with a council house. Not what you may be used to but you will be happy.
Please let us all know you are ok ....
BeesKnees
Well-Known Member
Bless you OP. You may find your depression lifts if you get out of then situation you are in. Please get some legal advice, you may find you are in a stronger position than you think financially and in terms of legal rights to stay in the house etc.
You deserve so much better, and so do your children. Hugs to you.
You deserve so much better, and so do your children. Hugs to you.
kerrieberry2
Well-Known Member
divorce!!!!