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Scheherezade

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I became pregnant in 2011 and my husband said I'd have to sell my horse, and give up work. Which I did, so I am now horseless and a stay at home mum. Various friends have offered their horses to ride but it never seems to work out, and what I want to do is compete. Yesterday my husband said that his goal is to work his way to a position earning 60-70K, and I won't say what he's on now but it's double the average wage nationally roughly. He said even then he wouldn't let me have a horse, and if I go back into work he'll just make me pay for the mortgage and bills if I try to get a horse. But not if I don't. So it's just that he's anti me having a horse than he needs the money.However I get high rate DLA, so I think even then I could make it work, but he's determined that I will not have a horse again and partake in anything that isn't 'family time'. However he goes to watch Manchester Utd at Old Traffod by himself, whilst I'm stuck with the kids at his mums house.

I'm so fed up of not having an escape, of my life being tied to a 3 year old and a 6 month old. 2 months ago I reached crisis point and was admitted to a mother and baby unit. Unsurprisingly, when friends offered their horses to ride again, I got better quickly, but one is lame, the other unreliable, and ones only available term time .

Does this sound a bit unfair to anyone? I get £90pw DLA, and then if I got a part time job that would be wages on top. I made paying rent and livery work before, so surely I can do it again?
 
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Oh my! Sorry, but your husband sounds like a controlling, self centred *******.

It sounds as though he just wants a caged wife to bring up his gene pool. It sounds as though this is having a devastating effect on your mental health. I just don't know what to suggest. If you didn't have the children, I would be advising you to get out of this mentally abusive relationship.
 
I am so sorry for you :( He has a disgusting attitude! He has no right to manipulate your living situation so that you cannot afford to do the things you love. I am sure you would be happy to pay towards the mortgage you seem a reasonable person but if you had to pay half you would live in a property you could afford it, not in a home of his choosing. That is a guess but I have never met a high earner living in a very modest home! It is very unfair of him and he has no right to decide your life for you. It is not his choice if you have a horse or not and to make you pay the mortgage and bills if you work but not if you stay home. You have a say in all this too. You post no reason for his decisions other than your husband wanting you to be a stay at home mum without a horse. I am really shocked by your post. You are a person not an extra sofa for his house that he can decide what happens to! Not just wife and mother either you are your own person and deserve things you love in your life and to make your own decisions :)
 
I really don't want to be rude, but your DH sounds very controlling. It sounds utterly unfair to me that he expects you to do what he says with no discussion at all.

What are his good points?

I haven't been in this situation before, but I have had partners who told me it was them or the horses. We don't miss them. This is mainly why I am happily single now...

Do you have family nearby who would help with the children so you could have some "me time"?
 
Don't want to read and run, it seems very unfair to me, plenty of us have family's and horses and make it work, but the reason being our OH's support our hobbies and take their share of the family responsibilities.
Can your own parents or siblings help you at all?
 
My initial reaction if your husband is an a**e, extremely controlling and manipulative and doesn't want you tohave your own money so you have no independence. My father did this to my mum so she never had any independence or choice and what he said went.

So he knows what his goals are but doesn't care about yours?

Why are you at his mums? How close are your family?

Do you get out to see friends much, mother and toddler groups etc? Does he have his own hobbies and interests?

You can do anything you set your mind to and never forget that!
 
big hugs. You do need space to be yourself as well as being a wife and mother. Do you have family nearby where you can go and perhaps leave the children whilst you ride. your family not his mother .
He was wrong to tell you to give up work and sell the horse TBH if mine had done that I'd have packed my bags and left. Hang on in there theres time to make it right yet. you need to think about yourself more do more things for yourself and things will imporove. I dont mean hang on to the marriage at all costs BTW i'd have left long ago. Can you pack your bags and go to your mothers or someone?
 
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How upsetting. Your husband won't 'let' you have a horse! It is not as if you are a 13-year old kid whining about how your parents won't let you have a horse. You are an adult and capable of determining for yourself whether or not you can afford it. As the others in this thread have said, you need space for yourself and time to do things that you like. Your husband sounds like a controlling douchebag.
 
I'm sorry but this is an abusive relationship and you need to get help. This isn't healthy, especially for your children, nor normal. Your kids shouldn't grow up in an environment like this IMO.
 
I think you may need to reconsider your family arrangements hun. My husband has said no more horses but I have 2 and a baby and limited funds/time so it makes sense. That said if another turned up he'd be cross but not angry if that makes sense. Marriage should be a mutual, equal arrangement and sadly it doesn't sound like that's what you have
 
Spotsrock said:
I think you may need to reconsider your family arrangements hun. My husband has said no more horses but I have 2 and a baby and limited funds/time so it makes sense. That said if another turned up he'd be cross but not angry if that makes sense. Marriage should be a mutual, equal arrangement and sadly it doesn't sound like that's what you have
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^^^^ The first sentence puts it perfectly I think.

I really feel for you OP you're in a horrible situation, but you have your own life to lead and it's not fair for your husband to be controlling you with his 'me, me, me' attitude. That sort of thinking where the man earns all the money and tells the wife what to do is way out of touch with the modern world.
 
Have you thought of couple counselling. Perhaps he may begin to understand your needs more if a sensitive and knowledgeable person (councillor) could help him to empathise? Hope things work out for you both.
 
Hilary'smum said:
Have you thought of couple counselling. Perhaps he may begin to understand your needs more if a sensitive and knowledgeable person (councillor) could help him to empathise? Hope things work out for you both.
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Agree. I don't like to comment on personal situations like this as there is so much going on that we won't know about, but I do think you should seek some outside assistance, maybe you first and then as a couple.
 
I have had depression in the past and still have it now and than. I used to think something would make me happy and threw my whole self into it (be it a new horse, a loan horse, a uni course, a move, a new house etc) however none of it made me happy by itself. It gave me an escape, but at the end of the day the problems were still there at home when I got back. So even though I felt happier for a bit, the majority of the time I was still stuck feeling the same thing. It is nice to look forward to something, but it took me years and a lot of thinking to realise I needed to sort some things out, went on anti depressents and I could clear my head. I was surprised to find how much happier, relaxed I was even though nothing had changed but me. I could deal with certain things better and had a better attitude towards life. I am not saying that a horse won't make you happier, but you sound quite down in itself and if you are able to get happier without having your own horse (be that some counselling or couple counselling, be that more exercise, more you time etc) you might be in a better position.

Living with someone who is depressed is not an easy task and sometimes you loose it with them. Both me and my husband have been depressed for a period of time and so both of us have lived with the other one being unhappy. When he was depressed I would not have been happy with some of the ideas he came up with (which financially would have crippled us), neither was he happy with the ideas from me. Now a few years later and my husband is encouraging me to have my own time, encouraging for me to ride again and when I suggested paying for it myself (as stay at home mum) he told me it would come out of our joint finances and not to be silly. He even considers owning our own horse if viable. I would not have been able to have this conversation with him or result in the years that either me or he was depressed. We both needing to work our own stuff out before we could both be there for each other.

Not having a horse is not the reason you got admitted to mother and baby unit, there is something else you need to figure out, something else you need to work on first. Deal with the lack of horse later. I am not saying you are depressed or need medication, I am just saying that it might be something to consider, separate from the issues with your husband which only you can judge if you can live with.
 
I feel so sorry for you. I would feel like half of me was missing if I didn't have my horse.

Life is too short to be lived in this way. It sounds as if you're building up to making some big changes in your life, having bottled everything up for so long. It's always scarey to make big changes & cause a load of upset, but the dust WILL settle. I think you know what you need to do, and are getting ready to do it. Good luck!

T x
 
I gave up horses completely whilst bringing up children and whilst I was happy to do it at the time, it did cause some resentment as my husband like yours, still managed to go racing (his own cars) and the odd boys golfing holidays whilst I stayed at home with the 5 children! I was lucky that when my time came my husband was supportive and in that we differ. I am now able to ride and compete time guilt free. Yours is a very personal situation and it is difficult to simply say he sounds unreasonable and you should live your own life. Clearly your situaiton is not that simple. I agree with others that you actually need some help from an objective and independent source. The relationship you describe sounds desctructive and not conducive to happy 'family time' at all. It certainly seems to run deeper than simply a financial consideration.
 
Everybody else has already said it, and it sounds like you already know it too. I really hope that telling us this is the first step to you addressing the issue. Are you continuing to have help for your mental health issues? If so you really need to tell them about this and maybe they can sort some sort of joint counselling?

I imagine your husband is scared that you having a horse would mean you will be happier and more confident, and that you'll have a social life and he's worried he can't compete with that. Despite his controlling behaviour and the way he's making you feel, he's the weak one, not you. If he was strong, he wouldn't feel the need to do this to you.

If he wants to try to make you pay the bills and mortgage - bill him for all the hours you're spending looking after his kids!

I really hope you sort this out, please don't suffer in silence, talk to him - with the support of a counsellor if you need to.
 
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Bernster said:
Agree. I don't like to comment on personal situations like this as there is so much going on that we won't know about, but I do think you should seek some outside assistance, maybe you first and then as a couple.
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I agree with this

All of that aside if you have been able to ride other people's horses will you be 'allowed' to have some lessons? It may not go all the way to helping you but many riding school do have their own shows and jumping competitions which you could use one of their horses for
 
There is a lot strangers on a forum can't know about your situation - no ones life can be described in one paragraph accurately. But, maybe your husband is trying to protect you, or feels that horse ownership is too much for you at the moment. Maybe he is a controlling person. We don't know.

You could keep your horse connection by going for really good lessons. You could start your children on a happy path of ponies and riding. You could volunteer with a charity like RDA. You could help out at a welfare charity. Only you will know what is best.
 
Wagtail said:
Oh my! Sorry, but your husband sounds like a controlling, self centred *******.

It sounds as though he just wants a caged wife to bring up his gene pool. It sounds as though this is having a devastating effect on your mental health. I just don't know what to suggest. If you didn't have the children, I would be advising you to get out of this mentally abusive relationship.
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This
 
I think your husband sounds like a sorry excuse of a human being and i would be off like a shot. I know your probably thinking this sounds easier said than done but there is help and you CAN do it, you deserve so much better than the way he is treating you. He is not valuing you as a mother, a wife or even a person. If you haven't family close by there are other people that can help. For your sake and your children don't let him bully you anymore. He sounds a prize d*c^head and i hope you will have the strenght to leave him and lead the life you want and deserve to have. Sendings hugs
 
This is really sad. A partner should share or encourage their oh's interests. I could understand if you wanted to go out clubbing all night or something or have 6 horses and compete every other day and expect him to pay for it all. But having a horse on a budget and with small children is possible and not a crazy thing if you can juggle it.

He should be glad he has a wife who has a passion and who is willing to work to even help pay for it etc and maybe share with your children as they get bigger.

Marriage involves a lot of compromises, but it sounds like you are the one doing all the compromising!

...what next, not letting you on a horse and hound forum!?! Poor you. Thoughts.
 
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Sorry but why do you need his permission to have a horse?

It's what you enjoy doing....does he expect you to not have any 'you' time? Your life does not just revolve around him and the kids. Yes they are a big part of it but you need to enjoy yourself!

Save up, get a horse. He can like it or lump it. If he really loves you he will be a man about it and get over it rather than throwing his toys out of the pram.
 
did this controlling behaviour start when the kids arrived ? and what would he think of you getting a parttime job without buying a horse, because I have a feeling that would not be an option in his mind either ?!

My dad is/was exactly the same, wanting my mother to stay at home, everything close knit together (though no- one ever talked or enjoyed themselves in our house unless he wasn't there with his obnoxious rude behaviour which went from bad to worse-)

With me he did exactly the opposite, I had 2 horses at home and he figured I would never be able to leave on my own. By his example getting a boyfriend or getting married was never an option for me, I had a massive example of how I wanted things NOT to be and Always made sure I could fend for my own. So at 24 I left to move into a juryroom of a ridingschool, WITH my 2 horses, working in Insurance during the day and giving lessons and mucking out at night and doing evening studies.

At 43 I now have a house that's too big for me with more stables than I have time for if they all had horses in them, too much land and a tiny mortgage that is 1/5th of the worth of the house. But yes, he still tries to controll me

if your guy is anything like my dad, it will go worse, soon he will be wanting to see all grocery bills. Don't make the same mistake my mother made, fight to get out!
 
I couldn't read this and not comment. OP reading your post was like reading my life 6 years ago... Obviously I'm sure it's not exactly the same but my husband was a control freak and I suffered from depression. I would just say that life is short, far to be short to be in a toxic relationship so if you feel like that then dig deep and leave. I'm not saying that life will be easier afterwards and you may still not be able to have your own horse but at least your have choices and yourself!
 
I grew up with a controlling father. My mum had to wait until she was dying of cancer to have the courage to stand up for herself. All I can say to help you is that, whilst you may or may not 'need' a horse, you do need to have something in your life which gives you outside interests - volunteering, work, club or sport... anything really. You might not need to leave him, but you do need to make it clear that you are your own person - for yourself, and for your children.

Funny thing is, being married to a floor-mat wasn't good for dad either. Once he had to treat her with a bit more respect, he enjoyed her company more, and I think they both enjoyed those last years... shame it was too late.
 
He's a ****. I'm sorry you are in this position. He has no right to dictate over you. Os your mum near by, if so whilst he is at work pack your bags, take the kids and go.
 
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