Feeling blue

Is your mum near .
I hope so this is not just about the horse it's about control .
You sound so unhappy I wish I could help you .
Behaviour like his is not normal and it's not right don't let him make you think it is.
 
Good god, you're a human being with your own free will - he has absolutely no right to "make" you do anything. Your post paints a horrifying picture of a controlling relationship - which is not OK for you, or an acceptable example for your child. If you can, by any means, leave I think you should. And that isn't a judgement I would usually have the arrogance to pronounce on some else's relationship
 
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On the face of it you appear to have a genuine reason to be aggrieved by your husbands attitude.....but beware of reacting to advise on this forum from people who only have part of the story (myself included). I am a husband who has a horsey wife and I myself rode for quite some time. I tend to look at marriage as a partnership, both parties should bring something, that may be earning money for the family or staying at home and looking after the family (or both) You should each have hobbies or interests, if you can afford to keep a horse without negatively affecting the family and you're husband can also afford to "do his thing", then great. You could perhaps try talking to him about your need to have some kind of outside interest, you need buy in from him or the horse will become a bone of contention and lead to even more trouble in the relationship. I would also seek help from an outside agency (marriage guidance for both of you) as you obviously feel somewhat trapped and unhappy with your current circumstances.
 
Poor you OP.

Like others i dont know your situation, but if indeed this is an example of your OHs general behaviour towards you and not him genuinely trying to protect you, then he needs to be brought up short.

However, you may find for some years esp while the children are young, that it is actually better and easier to satisfy your horsy needs through lessons or keep trying to find a share.

good luck x
 
This is a bit of a heavy one for my first reply....but I really feel like I have to.

The fact that he 'made' you give up your horse is very saddening for me....it would have utterly broken my heart.

I'm in a similar position to you....two young children (4 &18m) and a stay at home mum. Hubby and I have been married less than a year but together for 9 year (practically forever ;-) )

When we first got together....I was at uni and riding twice a week, I've always been 'horsey' but went to secondary/6th form boarding so only ponies in the holidays if I could beg/borrow/steal a ride.

Once I left uni and came 'home' I couldn't drive.....and had a full time job....so I couldn't have a horse. By the time I did manage to pass my test....I was pregnant with my now 4 year old.

At this point, my sister (being the utterly jammy cow she is) fell into a grooming job at a polo yard. I say fell....she was in a bloody estate agents in her johds and got offered a job.

There was resentment. A big fat butt load of it. Fortunately though, I got my head out of my bottom and because hubby was deployed....spent a LOT of time there.

Fast forward a couple of years....Rosie is pony mad. Because of this, I found a share of a perfect sec A....and sort of accidentally started helping with the other 4 ponies at our sole use 3 mornings a week.

I kind of accidentally eased hubby into it through the children.....he's not overly happy...but he's home after being away for 3 years and we're still figuring things out.

Apologies for the massively long reply, but just wanted to let you know in sort of in your shoes......but here's the thing.

I kind of agree with him to an extent. It's unfair for him to shoulder the responsibility of all the bills/mortgage and for your wages (if you get a job) to be used for solely your entertainment.

On the flip side though....you can't be expected to pay all of your wages into bills...so perhaps a percentage comprise would work, say 50% bills, the rest is yours to do with what you will.

As you know, horses are a commitment, in both time and money......but so are children. Yours are still so tiny.

It's utterly exhausting being a mummy to such little people, and I completely understand the feeling of being suffocated by the constant demands of them....and the need for space.

I think possibly the best solution would be to see if you can find someone to have the children one morning a week, be it family or a childcare provider and get your you time. It could be anything, volunteering at a horse rescue or a part loan.

As harsh as it might sound....your children have to come first. They won't be small for long....and if you let if pass you by you'll regret it....but you're important too, so you'll need to compromise.

Above all....TALK TO HIM. There's every possibility he thinks he's doing what's best for you as a family unit.

My husband didn't realise how totally miserable I was until I was horsing again....and was considerably LESS miserable.

He still moans that I spend too much time horsing and not enough time doing housework.....but pish....I think he just enjoys having a little moan ;-)

I hope his all makes sense in a hideously rambling way. Chin up chicken.xxx
 
I think plenty of people decided to give up the horses while they have a family and children. For the time and money elements. But that is because they have chosen to and/or have discussed it as one does when in and adult relationship not just because they were told to. Ditto the giving up work.
 
OP I am sorry you seem to be in a situation that makes you unhappy, and hope that you can work something out with your family that makes you happier.

However, I don't think you are given a DLA to spend on such a luxury of keeping a horse. My understanding is that you are given such a benefit in order to maintain essential standard of living because you are unable to work because of some sort of incapacity? If you genuinely need benefits, then you genuinely should not make the commitment of taking on a horse, and the stresses emotional and financial that goes with it. If you are lucky enough to have friends that let you ride and help with theirs, then perhaps for the time being (until you children are a little older and your OH feels financially more secure) this could be enough ?
 
Bestdogdash said:
OP I am sorry you seem to be in a situation that makes you unhappy, and hope that you can work something out with your family that makes you happier.

However, I don't think you are given a DLA to spend on such a luxury of keeping a horse. My understanding is that you are given such a benefit in order to maintain essential standard of living because you are unable to work because of some sort of incapacity?
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You may still receive DLA if employed; it is awarded to help with additional needs regarding care and mobility. You may also be entitled to housing benefit and child tax credits or similar. Speak to your local CAB or WA about your situation, OP.
 
I wasn't going to comment, I wanted to read and run, but I feel for you.

My hubby loves his football; the game gets on my nerves, but he goes off to watch his football matches and comes back with a face like a slapped bum (they lose a lot:-)) To me, it's a waste of money and expensive - £30 for an hour and a half's 'pleasure', plus petrol and parking, which is probably another £20 by the time he's bought a burger or whatever. BUT, it's his bit of freedom and pleasure - he catches up with his mates and they talk about football for hours and that's fine, because it's his 'thing', his passion. I had my passion with my late horse, and hubby seldom moaned, because he knew how I felt about my horse and how I loved it all.

And you should also be 'allowed' your bit of passion, away from the humdrum of daily routine.

Take control of your life, bit by bit, if you can. It might not be the right time to go out and buy a horse, what with two young children, but that doesn't mean to say you can't make little plans and have a dream for the future, for that time when you have more freedom/time/control. Life's too short to be miserable and the days of the domineered housewife are stuck back in the 1950's, where they belong. Don't forget how women have fought and fought for their/our freedoms over the years. Equality came to 'us' after the battles of strong women, some losing their lives to give us the rights we can and should enjoy today.

Women can move mountains if they so wish - take care.
 
Bestdogdash said:
OP I am sorry you seem to be in a situation that makes you unhappy, and hope that you can work something out with your family that makes you happier.

However, I don't think you are given a DLA to spend on such a luxury of keeping a horse. My understanding is that you are given such a benefit in order to maintain essential standard of living because you are unable to work because of some sort of incapacity? If you genuinely need benefits, then you genuinely should not make the commitment of taking on a horse, and the stresses emotional and financial that goes with it. If you are lucky enough to have friends that let you ride and help with theirs, then perhaps for the time being (until you children are a little older and your OH feels financially more secure) this could be enough ?
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So should I tell my disabled brother who is higher rate DLA and will probably be in a wheel chair by the time he is thirty because of the nature of his disease that he needs to sell.his horse because its too much like a luxury?
Its the only physio he gets and is encouraged by his consultants and surgeon. Riding gives him self esteem that he can.actually do something well rather that be in pain and fall over when he walks. He gets go see people on the yard and talk to them.
No one has any problem with him.having DLA and a horse
 
Make a plan - if you are not going to have OH support for your horse ownership desires whilst children are young (and it is harder to do what you want to do with younger children to care for) then I would quietly go about preparing for the day when the children are at school/nursery (it wont be long however frustrated you feel today) - get a part time job and save - squirrel away cash when you can (I tell my OH its my "running away fund") and make sure when you are ready to buy that you can do it on your own. I have my own opinion of controlling men (reminds me of Sleeping with the Enemy film) but your life and choices are yours and you can take control of your future so that a horse can be included. Good luck.
 
Scheherezade said:
I became pregnant in 2011 and my husband said I'd have to sell my horse, and give up work. Which I did, so I am now horseless and a stay at home mum. Various friends have offered their horses to ride but it never seems to work out, and what I want to do is compete. Yesterday my husband said that his goal is to work his way to a position earning 60-70K, and I won't say what he's on now but it's double the average wage nationally roughly. He said even then he wouldn't let me have a horse, and if I go back into work he'll just make me pay for the mortgage and bills if I try to get a horse. But not if I don't. So it's just that he's anti me having a horse than he needs the money.However I get high rate DLA, so I think even then I could make it work, but he's determined that I will not have a horse again and partake in anything that isn't 'family time'. However he goes to watch Manchester Utd at Old Traffod by himself, whilst I'm stuck with the kids at his mums house.

I'm so fed up of not having an escape, of my life being tied to a 3 year old and a 6 month old. 2 months ago I reached crisis point and was admitted to a mother and baby unit. Unsurprisingly, when friends offered their horses to ride again, I got better quickly, but one is lame, the other unreliable, and ones only available term time .

Does this sound a bit unfair to anyone? I get £90pw DLA, and then if I got a part time job that would be wages on top. I made paying rent and livery work before, so surely I can do it again?
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Puzzled as to how you could be getting £90 a week on DLA and be contemplating spending this on a horse - this amount of DLA is for people who have severe disabilities, both in terms of needing care and needing support with mobility. Sorry I don't know your circumstances but DLA is to enable you to live an ordinary life - rather than for a hobby, and no matter how we feel about horses they are a significant cost. Sorry, I don't see how that works, specially when benefits are being cut, families are struggling to feed themselves and going to food banks. I think with two very young children, life is not easy, and I get that you feel trapped, but the children must be your priority now, when they are a little older things will be easier. (how would you manage a horse and two little ones of this age)
 
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This sounds EXTREMELY unfair. I'd like to see how your husband would cope in the same situation.
He may be your husband and yes in a relationship it's a 2 way thing but he can't simply boss you around and make you stay at home with the kids doing nothing.
He sounds very insecure, perhaps a bit worried that you'll end up earning more than him? And very controlling. You need to tell him how you feel; don't necessarily get angry but tell him you're feeling bored, upset and in need of an escape.
 
Ordinary people with ordinary lives have hobbies if she wants to spend her DLA on a horse that is her business nobody else's. Someone could have problems with mobility or need care and still be able to ride and care for a horse. I bet some paralympians could get DLA if they applied maybe some do and they ride. This person is having a hard time others should stop being judgemental about her DLA it is nasty.
 
Where do you live OP? You're welcome to come ride my horse if that'll help in any way at all x

I hope it gets better, but it doesn't sound as if it will. If I were you I'd be considering my options of leaving: a controlling relationship is never going to make you happy.
 
Firefly9410 said:
Ordinary people with ordinary lives have hobbies if she wants to spend her DLA on a horse that is her business nobody else's. Someone could have problems with mobility or need care and still be able to ride and care for a horse. I bet some paralympians could get DLA if they applied maybe some do and they ride. This person is having a hard time others should stop being judgemental about her DLA it is nasty.
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The aim of DLA is to support with care needs and mobility. It is not a means tested benefit so if someone has a good income and also gets DLA , then they may well be able to afford a horse, and that would be their business . However, the OP is suggesting that she actually spend her DLA on the upkeep of the horse as a way of paying for it. I am very familiar with DLA and benefits and see the real poverty out there, it is not for this. If the OP does not need to spend higher rate DLA (which is for someone who has care needs day and night) on herself re care and mobility, is it actually needed? If you think this is nasty, you should see what benefit cuts have done to some people who cannot afford to eat and house themselves. Now I am well aware that DLA is one of the next benefits to be targeted should the Conservatives get in again - that would be the real tragedy for people who cannot actually organise their lives without this very valuable benefit.
 
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The aim of DLA is to help enable disabled people to have as normal a life as possible and that includes hobbies. It is not easy to get benefits anyone will tell you that, if she gets it it is because she qualifies for it. This OP is having a hard time, you think she needs people having a go at her about what she spends her money on? Yes you are being nasty. Benefit cuts to those on means tested benefits is bad too but that is not the subject of this thread.
 
High rate DLA requires that you are unable or virtually unable to walk and need constant attention or supervision with personal care day and night.

I cannot see how this is consistent with being ABLE to keep a horse without a lot of support which the OP obviously isn't going to get... And Your DLA Won't last forever - it will in the next 18 months or so be required to be converted to PIP Which will be looked at with a medical and they expect full disclosure as to hobbies etc. it is a criminal offence not to disclose such info and I have seen people end up losing their house over this non disclosure and ended up in prison... I suggest that you definitely don't rely on your DLA to keep your horse - but your hubby sounds like an arse
 
There are already medical examinations for DLA. And £90 per week total for DLA is most likely to be Middle Rate Care and Low Rate Mobility; consistent with those suffering extreme depression. OP, if horses are what keep you sane, then find some way to get them back into your life asap; not necessarily by owning but somehow. And please do speak to Women's Aid regarding the misogynistic and controlling attitude being shown by your husband. Here are their contact details (copied and pasted from their website):

FREEPHONE: 0808 2000 247

Email: helpline@womensaid.org.uk
Please note we can not respond to emails by telephone as safety may be compromised. If you wish to speak to somebody please call the number above.

*We will respond to your email within 3 working days. The National Domestic Violence Helpline can only offer limited information by email as we don't have the resources to provide on-going support or in-depth information in this way. If you require an urgent response or need in-depth emotional support please contact the Freephone 24 hour Helpline on 0808 2000 247. When you email the Helpline it's very important that you specify when and if it is safe to respond and to which email address. Your safety is our main concern.

The OP became pregnant to her husband. He made her give up work. He made her get rid of her horse. She became depressed. She wants to go back to work to have another horse, and he won't allow her to spend her wages on this. The DLA side of things is unimportant - she could win the lottery and he'd still refuse to let her have a horse. This has nothing to do with Benefits and everything to do with him controlling her :(
 
blitznbobs said:
High rate DLA requires that you are unable or virtually unable to walk and need constant attention or supervision with personal care day and night.

I cannot see how this is consistent with being ABLE to keep a horse without a lot of support which the OP obviously isn't going to get... And Your DLA Won't last forever - it will in the next 18 months or so be required to be converted to PIP Which will be looked at with a medical and they expect full disclosure as to hobbies etc. it is a criminal offence not to disclose such info and I have seen people end up losing their house over this non disclosure and ended up in prison... I suggest that you definitely don't rely on your DLA to keep your horse - but your hubby sounds like an arse
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Here are the needs for DLA

Care component

Level of help you need

Lowest £21.55 Help for some of the day or with preparing cooked meals
Middle £54.45 Frequent help or constant supervision during the day, supervision at night or someone to help you while on dialysis
Highest £81.30 Help or supervision throughout both day and night, or you’re terminally ill

Mobility component
Weekly rate
Level of help you need

Lower £21.55 Guidance or supervision outdoors
Higher £56.75 You have any other, more severe, walking difficulty.
 
Arizahn said:
There are already medical examinations for DLA. And £90 per week total for DLA is most likely to be Middle Rate Care and Low Rate Mobility; consistent with those suffering extreme depression. OP, if horses are what keep you sane, then find some way to get them back into your life asap; not necessarily by owning but somehow. And please do speak to Women's Aid regarding the misogynistic and controlling attitude being shown by your husband. Here are their contact details (copied and pasted from their website):

FREEPHONE: 0808 2000 247

Email: helpline@womensaid.org.uk
Please note we can not respond to emails by telephone as safety may be compromised. If you wish to speak to somebody please call the number above.

*We will respond to your email within 3 working days. The National Domestic Violence Helpline can only offer limited information by email as we don't have the resources to provide on-going support or in-depth information in this way. If you require an urgent response or need in-depth emotional support please contact the Freephone 24 hour Helpline on 0808 2000 247. When you email the Helpline it's very important that you specify when and if it is safe to respond and to which email address. Your safety is our main concern.

The OP became pregnant to her husband. He made her give up work. He made her get rid of her horse. She became depressed. She wants to go back to work to have another horse, and he won't allow her to spend her wages on this. The DLA side of things is unimportant - she could win the lottery and he'd still refuse to let her have a horse. This has nothing to do with Benefits and everything to do with him controlling her :(
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The Op has chosen to have children (as we all can do these days) She has not said she is being abused, and she has already said she is on high rate DLA. Life is tough when you have very young children, and lots of families struggle, It is a phase of life that will pass. The children have to come first and it sounds a though the husband is doing his best to support the family (albeit a bit selfishly). If the OP needs such a high level of support in day to day living, who then will help with the horse and the children, as the OP obviously needs a great deal of support in day to day life to qualify for high rate DLA. This does not sound practical - wait until the children are a little older and then share a horse, or ride friends or go to a riding school - this is what many of us have to do with young children, sometimes its not possible to have everything you want.
 
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Bless you i feel so sorry for you. If you were admitted to mother and baby unit im assuming this was for low mood? sorry im a dunse. You really need to find your hobby again for your mental health. There is much evidence out there to support hobbies and working improving mood and depression so i really think you need to get back into this. Sorry to sound blunt but your husband sounds really unsupportive and controlling and it sounds that he wants you to stay as a stay at home wife so he has you where he wants you. I would not be having that and if the relationship was not fair or a 2 way street i would be off im afraid. But thats me and im not saying thats right. Hugs for you really hope you can get back into your hobby and enjoy your life. You only live once and who is to tell you you are not to do something you want to do. xx
 
Firefly9410 said:
The aim of DLA is to help enable disabled people to have as normal a life as possible and that includes hobbies. It is not easy to get benefits anyone will tell you that, if she gets it it is because she qualifies for it. This OP is having a hard time, you think she needs people having a go at her about what she spends her money on? Yes you are being nasty. Benefit cuts to those on means tested benefits is bad too but that is not the subject of this thread.
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Actually no, hobbies are not included in the description of the purpose - please see below ( taken from the NHS website)

Disability Living Allowance (DLA) is a benefit that helps with the extra costs that disabled people face as a result of their disabilities. DLA is not means-tested, and it is tax free. You don’t need to have paid any National Insurance contributions to claim DLA.
 
Who cares about what people spend their DLA on?!! This poor woman needs something in her life to make her feel better and actually she should use her DLA to help with this and get back into her hobby.Low mood and depression can cause serious health and lifestyle problems and if using her DLA to get back into the hobby she loves will help alleviate any issues she has then im all for that. I bet her husband pays a fair whack tax and if shes entitled to it shes entitled too it.
 
I didn't want to read and run. Op to hell with your husband and his masoginistic views. It's not the 1800s anymore and it's not the Middle East. This is the uk were we are free to make our own life choices.

That said I think you'd be better riding others horses and helping out at a yard than getting your own just yet. Maybe even a share a few days a week would be good to get you out and to make him see you'll do what you bloomin well like and if he doesn't like it he can go stuff himself - you'd survive alone.
 
kateandluelue said:
Who cares about what people spend their DLA on?!! This poor woman needs something in her life to make her feel better and actually she should use her DLA to help with this and get back into her hobby.Low mood and depression can cause serious health and lifestyle problems and if using her DLA to get back into the hobby she loves will help alleviate any issues she has then im all for that. I bet her husband pays a fair whack tax and if shes entitled to it shes entitled too it.
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We are living in a country with a massive deficit, and the benefits bill keeps rising. I pay a great whack of tax also (as does my husband) . I want this to go to people who need it to live, for children who are homeless and living in poverty, to help families who are using food banks, and those who feel they have no stake in our society as there are no jobs and training for them. I see Local Authorities cutting back care for older people, many of whom are isolated and living in homes they cannot afford to heat. When all these needs are met, then I can feel better about someone using their higher rate DLA to fund a hobby that may make they feel better and happier. Happiness is important but when there are others around you in a poor state then fairness and some sort of equality is important This is the UK (which is in a bit of a state actually) we are not so loaded as a country that this type of luxury can be afforded by the tax payer.
 
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I hope the OP is ok as she hasn't been back on to the forum in nearly a week. I have read and re-read this thread several times and don't really know how to respond, but didn't want to just ignore it.

S - I totally get where you are coming from in terms of needing an escape from your day to day life. At the moment though I wonder whether having a horse would be a wonderful escape when you are with it, but actually cause more angst in your life overall. I am very uncomfortable about how you describe your relationship with your husband. Yes married life with young kids isn't all a bed of roses, but reading between the lines, you are being controlled mentally if not physically. The fact you ended up in a mother and baby unit would to me indicate that there are some things your family unit is not coping with right now. Please follow the advice posted above by Arizahn and just at least talk to someone impartial. Is your MIL as controlling as your husband is? I worry about you. xx

To those bashing the OP about using her DLA to keep a horse. At the end of the day, she has been assessed to be deserving of DLA. That presumably goes into a pot of the family income. What the OP is asking here is..... is it fair that, once the family's needs are taken care of financially, is it fair that her husband can go off and do his thing, and she never gets to do hers.
 
nikicb said:
I hope the OP is ok as she hasn't been back on to the forum in nearly a week. I have read and re-read this thread several times and don't really know how to respond, but didn't want to just ignore it.

S - I totally get where you are coming from in terms of needing an escape from your day to day life. At the moment though I wonder whether having a horse would be a wonderful escape when you are with it, but actually cause more angst in your life overall. I am very uncomfortable about how you describe your relationship with your husband. Yes married life with young kids isn't all a bed of roses, but reading between the lines, you are being controlled mentally if not physically. The fact you ended up in a mother and baby unit would to me indicate that there are some things your family unit is not coping with right now. Please follow the advice posted above by Arizahn and just at least talk to someone impartial. Is your MIL as controlling as your husband is? I worry about you. xx

To those bashing the OP about using her DLA to keep a horse. At the end of the day, she has been assessed to be deserving of DLA. That presumably goes into a pot of the family income. What the OP is asking here is..... is it fair that, once the family's needs are taken care of financially, is it fair that her husband can go off and do his thing, and she never gets to do hers.
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Then sharing a horse / going to a riding school would seem much more sensible, and would also meet her needs for own hobbies. Owning a horse is a massive commitment for time as well as money it is not the same as going to the football once a week. As for the DLA going into the family pot, the OP has already suggested using this to pay for the livery.
 
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Smurf's Gran said:
We are living in a country with a massive deficit, and the benefits bill keeps rising. I pay a great whack of tax also (as does my husband) . I want this to go to people who need it to live, for children who are homeless and living in poverty, to help families who are using food banks, and those who feel they have no stake in our society as there are no jobs and training for them. I see Local Authorities cutting back care for older people, many of whom are isolated and living in homes they cannot afford to heat. When all these needs are met, then I can feel better about someone using their higher rate DLA to fund a hobby that may make they feel better and happier. Happiness is important but when there are others around you in a poor state then fairness and some sort of equality is important This is the UK (which is in a bit of a state actually) we are not so loaded as a country that this type of luxury can be afforded by the tax payer.
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But what if OP prehaps is on DLA for depression, and by OP getting a hobby her mood improves and she is able to come off the DLA and her quality of life be far better? Is that not a better scenario? I do understand we have an issue in this country with the deficit however this realistically is not going to change and like nikicb says, shes been assessed and entitled to this.
 
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