Feeling crappy, hard to title post WWYD?

cinnamontoast said:
Could your husband go back to work for a bit? Not in the job he hated, but maybe in a gym or something? Bet you you'd get pregnant immediately!! You have to take the pressure off, you know stressing over it makes everything worse.

I'd ask your sharer if she wants to go up a few days and don't go up at all if it's her day. Can you use part livery to ease the pressure? I've left mine out for three days now, just went up to fly spray, give treats and check him and his mate over-bliss, no early guilty mornings worrying about him being in/out etc. Would you put Olive on loan at her yard so you could go up sometimes?

Would you be prepared to take a demotion? I frankly couldn't cope with the pressure of deputy, head of fac is quite enough! Are you primary or secondary?
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Thanks CT, yes Deputy in a secondary school not long out of special measure :) just my bag and I LOVE it, but I can't do it all.

We talked this weekend about him going back to work, but to be honest it wouldn't be worth the money. We don't NEED the money so to speak. His join brings all of the cash we need/use and my account is all of the bills etc. Having him working for himself approx 5 hours Day means the dog is walked and the house is clean :) I still have to cook because he is useless at it :)

As far as stress and conceiving goes... My fertility is, as yet, unexplained. It isn't hormonal, egg release related or a sperm issue but is undiagnosed officially. Even the Doctors admit that stress and outside factors are considered null and void after four years...

I think I will ask my sharer but I don't see it happening. The other thing would be to put her on full livery for two days if I could make that happen, it would mean paying a friend and I don't know if she would be up for it. That would leave me responsible for one week day which would be perfect. I would still go and kiss her Schnoz on the way home each evening though. I have stick an advert on the local Facebook group today and I'll see if it send any options my way.

Another thing that you might be able to understand is what happens to my JRT when/if I have a baby? He is very complicated and I know he could kill a baby.
 
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Landcruiser said:
So being too fat for IVF is a "safe" place.

You are afraid to make that step outside the safe place...it won't be an easy step...but the safe place isn't a comfortable place to be either. The longer you stay, the less comfortable it gets. You want a child. The clock is ticking. You are full of guilt, and there are lots of pressures on you. You know you must make the first step...but you are afraid.

Hugs x
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Are you inside my head?! That's almost EXACTLY how I feel.

Persephone said:
Billie, you say you always knew you would not conceive easily. Do you think subconsciously you know IVF could fail, but if you don't actually start the process then the control over destiny is still in your hands?

Once you have lost the weight, got everything else sorted, and got on the programme you can'y really change what happens.

Can you have some counselling to get things ordered in your head? Might be helpful.

Sorry if any of that seems hard, I have tried to make it make sense x
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You too P. If I stay as I am then it is my choice. Once it's no longer my choice then there is a chance it may never happen.
 
You can get some head space, some 'me' time. It's there in your day. Stop looking at the bigger picture, stop planning and problem solving 24/7. Focus on the moment.

When you walk your dog, you're walking, its exercise, think posture, think breathing, relax. Chat to other dog walkers. Enjoy the countryside, or architecture if you walk through town. Don't think about what you'll do next when you get home or about tomorrow. Take a break. Maybe walk up more hills to help with the weight loss.

Forget other peoples weight loss targets. Set your own. What's realistic and achievable in your eyes? Forget the doctors or your husbands opinion.

You love your horse. You want to keep her. You want to ride her. So do it, there's nothing stopping you. People keep horses and have children. It's do-able. Who cares if you're a rubbish rider? You have a job and therefore must have some intelligence, so it can't be beyond you to teach the horse to turn left and right with a vibration of a rein, to go up a pace with a nudge of the heel and to slow with a gentle pull on the reins. Who cares if the schooling never progresses beyond that?

As long as you're having fun, who cares if you're too scared to canter (not saying you are)? Or if the most exciting thing you do is walk bareback round the arena or trot over poles? Like with the dog walking, be in the moment not planning ahead. A trip to the yard isn't a chore, its your relaxation time while you catch/ groom/ feed/ ride. Stroke your horse, breathe the fresh air and watch the clouds float by. Running round the field long reining her might make you lose weight, as would poo picking.

Create a life, a fabulous life, to which children would be an added bonus, not the sole reason for existance. Then if it doesn't happen you still have a fabulous life. Forget about perfection, it's not realistic. You're a teacher? 80% gets you an A grade? An A grade is 'good enough' surely? So 80% effort, 80% success in your life tasks is 'good enough' too. You're a human-being, not a human-doing. So 'be'.
 
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Beautifully poetic S&S, lots for me to think about there - thank you.

Really sorry for all the doom and gloom from me of late. At a proper crisis point!
 
Everyone has posted good stuff so I can't add much other than your question re the JRT.

The answer to that is either, you rehome him, or you start the training now to make him safe. That doesn't mean he will ever like children or be safe around them, it means his life changes so he is excluded (happily) from where the baby will be from this day on. He then doesn't realise the baby was responsible for his new life, and is completely accepting of it by the time it arrives. Which I am sure it will. I can give you more info if you want.
 
FfionWinnie said:
Everyone has posted good stuff so I can't add much other than your question re the JRT.

The answer to that is either, you rehome him, or you start the training now to make him safe. That doesn't mean he will ever like children or be safe around them, it means his life changes so he is excluded (happily) from where the baby will be from this day on. He then doesn't realise the baby was responsible for his new life, and is completely accepting of it by the time it arrives. Which I am sure it will. I can give you more info if you want.
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Thanks FW, yes we must talk about this. I have made a change this year as he no longer sleeps in our bed. I know I need to do much more but I figured it was the best place to start!

He has always been happy around my niece and nephew from when they were around the age of six and would sit on their knees to be stroked etc, but he has tried to go for a baby twice now.

My trouble is that I treat him like he is my baby and I have to be ready to give that up. God I'm a mess!

I have texted sharer and asked if she would consider another week night but no reply yet!

:) :(
 
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i have no advice, or can offer any help, i am to young to be 'where you are', and i dont want children as i want to spend my life with horses..... but i want to wish you the best of luck and hope things go your way....your always here, ready to dish out support, help and advice.... take peoples off here: relax, stop thinking about what you want in the far distant future and work towards single goals....small steps will always add up to a great big leap at the end!

huge (((((hugs))))) to you and hoping that crisis point will move on quickly
 
I don't know much about your horse, is she suitable to live out 24/7? Turn her away for the winter, one less worry then, If you don't have to worry about her so much for six months, you may be able to concentrate on losing weight to have fertility treatment, ( you never know, losing weight may help you get pregnant naturally), once you ARE pregnant ( I won't allow you to say you may not!) you may find it easier if your horse lives out 24/7 and once baby comes you may find you lose interest in the horse/have less time, so if she living out, no worry there.

Regarding the dog, you say you treat him as your baby, I did that with my GSD , she was so protective of me when pregnant, used to growl at my husband if he came to bed and she was on it (she got told off) everyone told me, she wouldn't be any good when baby came, I ignored it and said she be fine. When baby came, she was ok .. to start with, then bringing the baby in one day in her car seat, she went for her (luckily she missed as I kicked her away) It sounds callous but it was an easy trip to the vet with her, as though I loved her, there was no way I was going to allow her to kill my baby. Thats a bit muddled up, what I'm trying to say is train your JRT now before baby comes, not after.

Best of luck to you, hope you get what you want
 
Thinking of you Billie, I know far too well what it is like to hit crisis point. I am sure things will work themselves out eventually. Do you have good friends you can chat to? Counselling might not be a bad idea, it can help to get an outsiders perspective.

Hugs to you, and I hope you are OK, I can't even imagine how stressful it must be to be a DH in a secondary school xx
 
I had 9 horses, 3 dogs and 3 cats. After I got married I was putting off the whole baby thing as I couldn't see how I'd cope with everything. I was never really into babies anyway. I dreaded not being able to ride for a year (it ended up being 18months due to birth complications) but once my baby came along it put things into perspective for me. I almost considered missing out on something as amazing as a baby for a couple of years of no riding and other trivial things. Now I'm hoping to have more children. I've promised myself i'll buy an amazing horse once I'm done having babies and they've all started school.

Horses and babies can mix but realistically you won't get to ride as often as you would like. I sold some of my riding horses. I kept 1 to ride and then some retirees. My horse got 18 months off but came back into work no problem. He'll happily get another year off when please god I'm having another.

I have a jack Russell cross who thinks she's human. I was most worried about her and the baby (This surprised everyone as i also have a German Shepard) for about a year before the baby came along I gradually increased the rules. Not allowed upstairs, then not allowed on the sofa's, then not allowed in the living room, then only restricted access to kitchen. Now she realises she's just a dog and she knows her place.

You seem to be trapped by negative thoughts. You need to banish those thoughts. If you expect something is going to fail then it probably will. With a bucket load of positivity anything is possible. You should put your horse out on loan/grass and focus on you. Go to hypnosis to help control the negative thoughts and it can help with the weight loss too.

Best of luck and I hope you get past your crisis quickly
 
Billie1007 said:
You too P. If I stay as I am then it is my choice. Once it's no longer my choice then there is a chance it may never happen.
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The trouble is if you stay as you are there is a chance it may never happen too.

I didn't make a choice when I was younger about having a child as I was young, enjoying my job and my horses and thought I had plenty of time to choose. I also thought I would at some point feel strongly enough one way or another to make a choice. Trouble was an unexpected event happened and the choice was taken away. I wish now I had made a choice whilst I still had it. I don't think I would have minded if I had decided not to have a child as at least I would have chosen the path my life took.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I believe it is better to make a choice. If it then doesn't work out for whatever reason you know you had given it a shot. You have a good job you enjoy, a husband and a horse. If you get in a position where you can chose whether to have IVF or not then you might find it easier to make a decision. When you do get pregnant then it will be easier to think about what needs to give to accommodate a baby.

Personally I think having a horse is a good form of exercise and a good motivation in itself. If you give up the horse would you spend all the time you gain exercising or would that extra time get swallowed up by work or other activities?
 
*big hugs* to you Billie, you sound like you have an awful lot whizzing round your head, so much wonderful advice given that I cannot really add to, but I wish you lots of luck in getting the balance right and achieving what you want to acheive x
 
As has already been mentioned, it really does sound like you are are scared of the next step for fear of failure. We're all a little guilty of self sabotage sometimes but I think you've done really well in posting this and realise that is what you are doing.

Other posters have covered everything I want to say, so good luck with everything.
 
Thank you to all of you. I've only been to the yard once since Friday as I'm just not in the right place to be around people. Olive has been well looked after. I keep imagining what it would be like to not have to go there anymore or to know that she was in a field far away and me not knowing what was happening to her, how she was being treated and looked after. It's fair to say I am stuck with her.

On melt down at the minute and swinging between bingeing, fasting, cutting off all of my long hair, getting tattooed, getting a gastric band, selling the house, ditching the husband.

Still a mess!

It's a relevant point about the self sabotage. I've always done it. I do it with people particularly. Question is how do I take action when I feel completely powerless? Just thinking out loud really, but I've probably said too much on here as it is.
 
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Please don't do any of these things! None of them will help you find a balanced view of what to do to achieve your aims.
Go for a massage - try to be nice to yourself.
x
 
Firstly I'll say straight out that I am childless by choice and have no paid employment so on the face of it I should shut up on this thread however my SIL could not conceive naturally after fifteen years of trying every single thing they could , they where left behind on the housing ladder because of the cost ,she gave up her career endured years of miserable medical interventions and eventually on the last throw of the dice a friend donated her an egg and she conceived . My SIL ate it walked Thought about while sleeping it for fifteen years if had told to stitch her mouth shut she would have done it in fact it was her dogged determination that persuaded me and my OH to have no children I simply could not understand how she endured .
All of us felt Increditable joy and relief when my nephew arrived .
Billy1007 I would suggest perhaps you talk all this out with a professional these are complicated and deeply personal things I feel from your posts you don't know your own mind .
But one thing I do know you can't embark down the road of assisted conception unless you are both 200% committed to it.
In the meantime try to find some down time on your own twice a week just to think and catch up with yourself .
 
Goldenstar said:
Firstly I'll say straight out that I am childless by choice and have no paid employment so on the face of it I should shut up on this thread however my SIL could not conceive naturally after fifteen years of trying every single thing they could , they where left behind on the housing ladder because of the cost ,she gave up her career endured years of miserable medical interventions and eventually on the last throw of the dice a friend donated her an egg and she conceived . My SIL ate it walked Thought about while sleeping it for fifteen years if had told to stitch her mouth shut she would have done it in fact it was her dogged determination that persuaded me and my OH to have no children I simply could not understand how she endured .
All of us felt Increditable joy and relief when my nephew arrived .
Billy1007 I would suggest perhaps you talk all this out with a professional these are complicated and deeply personal things I feel from your posts you don't know your own mind .
But one thing I do know you can't embark down the road of assisted conception unless you are both 200% committed to it.
In the meantime try to find some down time on your own twice a week just to think and catch up with yourself .
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Thank you GS I do appreciate your view. I don't understand what I might have said that would suggest that I wasn't 200% committed to the idea of having a child through assisted conception or not. It's all I've wanted for years. I want it so much that I'm afraid of reeeeaaaalllyy trying the last resort incase it doesn't work.
 
Playing devils advocate you need to loose wieght to get on the programme , so do so I am not being mean here I do understand what it feels like when you feel life is running out of control.
How do you eat and elephant ? ...... One piece at a time break down the issues you need to get control of into little blocks and deal with them like that one little bit at a time.
 
Hugs Billie. How brave of you to post on here, and what great support from other posters. I dont really know how to help apart from a bit of moral support :) but one thing I know from experience is struggling to lose weight and the whole bingeing / fasting thing. It sounds so easy from the outside, you know you need to , so just get on and do it. Calories in less than calories out, bob's your uncle. But for many of us extra weight is such a psychological thing. I do think counselling for weight loss is a good option. (NHS?) I have also done Lighter Life in the past, which can seem like a bit of a drastic option, and depending on how well you do it will either last or not (didnt for me) but it did help with the psychological side for me and I did find it remarkably easy to lose the weight - though not to keep it off.

Finally reflecting on your post about your thoughts on tattoos, etc (not sure if you got one or just thought about it! ) - one thing that has really helped me in the past is to use a technique I was taught at work called the 'GROW' model. Write down -G - what is your goal (eg follow a healthy eating plan for 3 months) -then R the Reality - ie the situation as it really truly is today (I weigh x stone, fertility treatment requires y weight loss, I feel overwhelmed) then the important bit is O - Options. Write down ANYTHING you can think of to deal with the situation to achieve your goal. You can include getting a tattoo and cutting off all your hair! (I have done it before including the option of using drugs or alcohol to cope!) - then you think about all of that and decide W - what you WILL do. The beauty of writing down all the options, however daft, is that you see that you actually HAVE some options and that actually, choosing NOT to use drugs or alcohol is a really good option and you can feel better about yourself if you recognise you are making those decisions.

Sorry that is a bit garbled - just wanted to say it can work when you are in a turmoil. You can do it with someone else to help too, or on your own. x x Hugs and best wishes x x
 
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