Feeling left out with my sharer

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Mylife

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Hey all!

So Iv got a sharer due to me being pregnant, she's been fab and has come a long way in the couple months she has been sharing (was a complete novice!)

There was a miscommunication error the other day, where I was told on a rainy day they would be going for a short hack so as not to get the horses too wet, I decided to put a exercise sheet on my mare to be certain she would be dry enough to rug up.

Anyway the weather cleared up, they went on a long hack and the sharer had her first ever canter! Pony came back gasping and dripping in sweat. We washed her down and put her in wearing a cooler, I had to go for a meal and left the sharer and yard owner to turn her out.

I then get a phonecall some 2-3 hours later from the sharer saying what rug do you want on her, I told her and she said oh sorry I didn't put that one on! I said that was okay, the rug she did use was fine just not my first choice.

The yard owner then rings me to say your pony was still wet the cooler is terrible she's out with a turnout on and is wet underneath!

I was up there like a shot and found her rugged up, warm but wet! I couldn't bring her in as the yard owners horse is very attached to her and the yard owner wouldn't have been okay with her coming in, but I was fuming, especially as no one bothered to ring me to ask what I wanted, rather than make their own descisions which is totally not what Id have wanted!

I explained to yard owner and sharer how this made me feel and thought we were fine, but since then I know the yard owner has been re-educating my sharer which I don't like, I care for my horse differently to her and I'm getting fristrated with the minor changes that seem to be occurring, with subtle hints that I should do things her way!!

Also I'm getting frustrated that the sharer is always there, we agreed she would do mornings and Id do evenings, but what's actually happening is I'm doing mornings and she's coming up evenings, I'm rushing in the morning and like to spend time with my horse in the evenings but she lingers!

And, the sharer and yard owner have sorted that I will ride the yard owners horse when I can ride again, how do I say no I will be riding my horse!!

Sorry it's long, cookies and wine for whoever made it this far!
 
Mylife said:
Hey all!

we agreed she would do mornings and Id do evenings, but what's actually happening is I'm doing mornings and she's coming up evenings, I'm rushing in the morning and like to spend time with my horse in the evenings but she lingers!

And, the sharer and yard owner have sorted that I will ride the yard owners horse when I can ride again, how do I say no I will be riding my horse!!

far!
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Hugs. I think you need to establish firmer boundaries. How have you gone from sharer being meant to cover mornings to you doing them?

I think you need to be clear what chores and when you want covering. Some flexibility is nice but it has to work for you first.

If sharer is a good fit for your horse and doing chores / contributing, I think you might need to bite tongue a bit and distance yourself. If losing sharer and possibly not replacing her (November tricky time to find sharer)

As for expecting you to ride your YO's horse - you need to be a lot more assertive - how find they DARE suggest this. I'd state you can't wait to ride YOUR horse again and no horse is the same as yours.
 
It's tricky re YO taking over, in some ways it must be good she's providing support and company to sharer. I'd still expect my sharers to do things my way though, I broadly specify the things that bother me, and don't for things that don't.
 
Thank you for the replies, I think venting it has made me feel much better, I'm going to give it a week and write down anything 'important' and use that to put together an official loan agreement, we became friends fast and although I still really like the girl, I don't like having to keep reminding myself she's my horse and what I say goes, so I want to get it in writing!
 
I feel for you - it must be hard that the YO is getting involved. You do need to readdress the terms though - if you need her to do mornings then that is what she should do. Or could you renegotiate so that she gets a couple of evenings if that is the only time she can ride?

You're right - your horse, your rules. A contract sounds like a good idea - everything clear and easy to understand
 
I have a teenager who rides my horse, well did, I'm not sure I can put up with the hassle much longer! He is the biggest PITA!! He cant be trusted to even skip out and put my boy to bed. I put up with him as hes doing the canter work that I'm not physically able to do. But I have to be there to do the jobs every time he rides, and even then all he does is moan!
 
Frankie cob - tell me about it! The teen before last that I sacked would make the beds look clean by putting a new bale of shavings on top, but leaving the **** underneath! Grrrr! The last one wouldn't walk if her mum couldn't drop her off so I played shauffer - meant that I had to be there or she wouldn't come by. The current one has been about 4 times in 6 weeks. She's really keen apparently but I think I'm going to have to advertise again. I thought I had found an adult sharer but she was also unreliable - unless we had set a firm time she wouldn't show up, yet I didn't need to be there so it didn't really matter when she came. I give up :(
 
Without wanting to be overly boastful but I think I'm a great sharer. I'm there on the days I say I'll be there. I work the horse well but don't over work him. I always aim to leave everything tidier than I found it. His feet are picked, his stable is clean, as is his tack.
I ADORE my share horse but completely respect his owner.

Good sharers are out there.
 
Firstly, congratulations on your baby to be. How exciting but tiring for you, I imagine. You say your sharer is fab but was a novice who has come on in leaps and bounds. It sounds like the YO has taken her under her wing. Your feelings are only natural, I always feel like this with a sharer. It then seems like the sharer felt insecure and phoned you for reassurance as she did something wrong and the yard owner reinforced that ..... Maybe they had a falling out or now the yo is tired of babysitting? I don't know. . You were fuming over a rug change which sounds o bit unreadonable to me, tbh, especially as both did try to involve you, but you were out for the night ..... and they probably felt conflicted about disturbing you. Surely a sharer should be independent on the days they share? Yet you say you wanted to be asked and you don't want her around all the time.

I agree with others who say get everything set up clearly in writing. ....... But .....You need to establish what you really want from a sharer as it sounds like now you don't want one anymore. There is nothing wrong with that. It is your horse.
 
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Mylife said:
Hey all!

So Iv got a sharer due to me being pregnant, she's been fab and has come a long way in the couple months she has been sharing (was a complete novice!)

There was a miscommunication error the other day, where I was told on a rainy day they would be going for a short hack so as not to get the horses too wet, I decided to put a exercise sheet on my mare to be certain she would be dry enough to rug up.

Anyway the weather cleared up, they went on a long hack and the sharer had her first ever canter! Pony came back gasping and dripping in sweat. We washed her down and put her in wearing a cooler, I had to go for a meal and left the sharer and yard owner to turn her out.

I then get a phonecall some 2-3 hours later from the sharer saying what rug do you want on her, I told her and she said oh sorry I didn't put that one on! I said that was okay, the rug she did use was fine just not my first choice.

The yard owner then rings me to say your pony was still wet the cooler is terrible she's out with a turnout on and is wet underneath!

I was up there like a shot and found her rugged up, warm but wet! I couldn't bring her in as the yard owners horse is very attached to her and the yard owner wouldn't have been okay with her coming in, but I was fuming, especially as no one bothered to ring me to ask what I wanted, rather than make their own descisions which is totally not what Id have wanted!

I explained to yard owner and sharer how this made me feel and thought we were fine, but since then I know the yard owner has been re-educating my sharer which I don't like, I care for my horse differently to her and I'm getting fristrated with the minor changes that seem to be occurring, with subtle hints that I should do things her way!!

Also I'm getting frustrated that the sharer is always there, we agreed she would do mornings and Id do evenings, but what's actually happening is I'm doing mornings and she's coming up evenings, I'm rushing in the morning and like to spend time with my horse in the evenings but she lingers!

And, the sharer and yard owner have sorted that I will ride the yard owners horse when I can ride again, how do I say no I will be riding my horse!!

Sorry it's long, cookies and wine for whoever made it this far!
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Im finding your story re the rug very confusing, your sharer phoned you to check the rug she had chosen was ok and you told her yes the rug she had put on was ok but then you were fuming about the very rug you said was ok???

To be honest you sound like you really dislike your sharer and you dont want to share anymore which is totally your decision, your post makes it all sound terribly dramatic and hard work for both you and your sharer.
 
I would have a chalk board/whiteboard with what rugs you want your pony in under what circumstances. That way there is no confusion.

Speak to your sharer and organise a schedule - put that on the board too. Set clear boundaries and communicate. At the end of the day, the pony is your pony no matter what the yard owner says, your word is final and your sharer should respect that. If she doesn't, find a new sharer.
 
Achinghips and penks, i am pretty sure that she is more bothered by the fact that the horse was put out to the field while soaking wet from being worked too hard which isn't good. Horse should be dry before you put a turnout rug on.

I would just write up a contract, tell her she can no longer ride at nights unless asked in advance and give her a list of rugs you have and when they should be used. Make it clear as well that when you can ride again that is when the contract ends and she can no longer ride your horse. I would be very angry if someone thought they could keep riding my horse after i am able to ride again and was just gonna have me ride another horse. I don't think so.

From the stories on here, i think people have to think about why most people are sharing instead of loaning or buying their own horse. Does seem that most sharers just want a horse to ride but don't want the hard work that comes with owning or loaning. Thankfully not everyone is like that.
 
I don't understand why she is not doing mornings if that is your agreement.
Have you asked her why she is failing to do so ?
Time to sit down and go through a proper written contract.
Oh , and make it clear this is only for " maternity leave " cover so will end when you can ride again ( if that is want you want ) so riding YO horse doesn't come into it.
 
i would have dealt with the horse blowing and being soaked by explaining to the loaner why you cannot finish work with the horse like that and getting the horse cooled off properly with the loaner walking under saddle for 15-20 mins, novice loaners need educating or they don't know any better. the rug thing is not ideal but you sadi it was ok over the phone. Personally i rug up an turn out wet as the rugs are breathable now so the horse does still cool off.
As for the morning evening thing you need to discuss it and say it is not what you agreed and it is not working for you so you want things as they were agreed.Do you need the loaner or is it just making life easier?
personally I would have more issue with the interfering YO and would speak to them too
 
Thank you so much everyone has made me feel much better.

I do want to state, I do like my sharer she's fab, things just seem to have gotten out of control a bit with boundaries and I'm feeling pushed out, the yard is right behind my house so it's easy for me to go there, but with regards to when my partner and I will be working/or when he will be working when I am on maternity I'm going to need some help with time.

She was a novice when she started and couldn't pick her feet out, couldn't get her in from the field, couldn't tack up/rug up ect, she had riding lessons when she was a lot younger but that's it, she's been having private lessons on my mare and doing very well, Iv taught her how I like the care side done, but there are a couple things the yard owner does differently and she's contradicting how I like it done.

The reason I was upset with the rug situation was that I put the exercise sheet on because they said it was going to be a short hack, it wasn't, and the sharer is still learning to trot so I'm a bit unhappy she's had her first canter without having an instructor to help her. And also because they both rang me about an hour or more after they had turned her out, no one rang to say she's still wet what would you like? They just did it anyway and informed me later.

Thanks again for all the replies!
 
twiggy2 said:
i would have dealt with the horse blowing and being soaked by explaining to the loaner why you cannot finish work with the horse like that and getting the horse cooled off properly with the loaner walking under saddle for 15-20 mins, novice loaners need educating or they don't know any better. the rug thing is not ideal but you sadi it was ok over the phone. Personally i rug up an turn out wet as the rugs are breathable now so the horse does still cool off.
As for the morning evening thing you need to discuss it and say it is not what you agreed and it is not working for you so you want things as they were agreed.Do you need the loaner or is it just making life easier?
personally I would have more issue with the interfering YO and would speak to them too
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This
 
Don't let the comments get you down OP! You are sharing because you can't ride right now and everything is in a turmoil of emotions, anticipation, change and hormones. Anyone who can recall being pregnant - especially with a first although you don't say if this is your first or not - can remember. It is quite understandable that you feel left out and put out.

Give yourself a break. You are totally right about a formal contract - contracts keep friendships. Write down what matters and try not to worry too much about the rest. It takes time to get used to sharing your horse and to be honest it isn't ever easy I don't think. But most especially when it is not entirely your choice to share, but something which arises from life circumstances - like being pregnant. You'll get through it. <<hugs>>
 
Hi OP

I definitely agree about having everything in writing. I have a share agreement that I use. PM me if you want me to send it over to you to adapt. It covers all sorts of stuff including days / times when the sharer has the horse, things that the sharer must do (pick out feed, feed according to my instructions, warm up and cool down the horse properly, use my tack, wear high vis on the road, poo pick, muck out on their days etc ). It also covers what the sharer may not do ( pull mane/tail or clip, gallop around on hard ground, use their own tack , etc etc)

If I were you, I would get the sharer on their own and have a quiet chat to remind them of what they agreed, and also that you like things done your way.

At the end of the day it's your horse and you get to make the decisions.

We all find sharing hard at times. I have a fairly new sharer. He is okay and we are still working on things, but I get irritated by stupid stuff too so don't think you are on your own with that. I get mad that my sharer always leaves the mane and tail spray in the grooming kit. The grooming kit lives in a closed box, so to shut the lid he puts it on it's side. I know that it's just a matter of time until it leaks all over the brushes etc and I'm forever putting it back in its correct box with the lotions and potions. It's only a small thing, but that's how I like it done. It's my horse and my stuff so I get to decide.

I have had a few sharers over the years and I'm definitely a lot more straight with them these days. If there is an issue, sort it quickly and move on.

Good luck with sorting it out.
 
seriously wouldnt worry re the rug. They are all breathable now and being turned out damp wont kill them as long as they are warm.
I regularly work mine sponge off(or fully bath in the warmer months), sling a turnout on and pop them back out. They are always warm and dry underneath in am hour or so.

I find it odd that people get so obsessed about them not getting wet from rain or sweat and thus not being able to turn them back out in 2015 when all rugs are breathable?!

as for riding the YO owners horse, on that point you do need to put your foot down and also a gentle word as to why bring them horse back puffed isnt right/fair (the sweat wouldnt bother me but being puffed is different).
 
Sorry, let me get this straight. This sharer who doesn't own a hair on your horse's head and the yard owner who also doesn't own a hair on your horse's head, have conspired to ensure that you don't ride your OWN horse when you come back to riding? What the hell?

I also wouldn't be too concerned about rugging up wet; I return from a ride, sponge off and rug up then chuck out. Horse is still alive and well.

Are you on a big yard or is it just your horse and the YO's horse? Because not being able to bring in because someone else's horse would get agitated is unworkable in my view.
 
Get a whiteboard and list all rugs and when to use them. Then colour code the rugs using electrical tape or ribbon on the buckles etc so you have a referral system for the rugs so red = turnout rug (use on dry horse when in field during winter). The lady is obviously inexperienced and looking after a horse is hard work on the brain as well as the body and takes a long time to figure everything out and a lot of horses now have more rugs than clothes in my wardrobe, it even confuses me at times!

Contract for the sharer over a friendly cup of tea and reinforce that your word comes first when it's to do with your horse and if YO states otherwise then to always ring you to discuss before acting. Then another friendly cup of tea with YO to discuss problems and solutions.
 
Its a horrid situation to be in. I have had many a sleepless night worrying about Y.O's and something they have said to me, the way my horse has been treated, etc, etc. And worrying about how I will ask them to do something for my horse or to change the way they are doing something. It takes me ages to write a text message worrying if it will be misconstrued or if I will be thought of as 'awkward'.

When a YO turns around to you and says she doesnt' give a stuff about her liveries (i.e. owners) her only concern is the horses (this has been said to me twice by two different Y.O's) then it makes you wonder if its all worth it.....
 
Thanks again for the tips, I ended up crying to the sharer today, so we haven't really gotten anywhere, tbh I'm starting to feel she's not what's upsetting me, I think it's the yard owner, like her horse is about to go into heavyweights and I dont even want mine in a lightweight all the time, yet she implied I didn't care about my horse because I was letting her get cold so now she's rugged
 
Tell the YO to back off, we all know each horse is different and she doesn't own your horse. If you can't stick up for yourself, stick up for the comfort of your horse.
 
EdYouKateShaun said:
Without wanting to be overly boastful but I think I'm a great sharer. I'm there on the days I say I'll be there. I work the horse well but don't over work him. I always aim to leave everything tidier than I found it. His feet are picked, his stable is clean, as is his tack.
I ADORE my share horse but completely respect his owner.

Good sharers are out there.
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Absolutely. I have a sharer who also leaves things tidier than I do, and adores my horses. And gets the ups and downs of horse owning / sharing.
 
JulesRules said:
Hi OP

I definitely agree about having everything in writing. I have a share agreement that I use. PM me if you want me to send it over to you to adapt. It covers all sorts of stuff including days / times when the sharer has the horse, things that the sharer must do (pick out feed, feed according to my instructions, warm up and cool down the horse properly, use my tack, wear high vis on the road, poo pick, muck out on their days etc ). It also covers what the sharer may not do ( pull mane/tail or clip, gallop around on hard ground, use their own tack , etc etc)

If I were you, I would get the sharer on their own and have a quiet chat to remind them of what they agreed, and also that you like things done your way.

At the end of the day it's your horse and you get to make the decisions.

We all find sharing hard at times. I have a fairly new sharer. He is okay and we are still working on things, but I get irritated by stupid stuff too so don't think you are on your own with that. I get mad that my sharer always leaves the mane and tail spray in the grooming kit. The grooming kit lives in a closed box, so to shut the lid he puts it on it's side. I know that it's just a matter of time until it leaks all over the brushes etc and I'm forever putting it back in its correct box with the lotions and potions. It's only a small thing, but that's how I like it done. It's my horse and my stuff so I get to decide.

I have had a few sharers over the years and I'm definitely a lot more straight with them these days. If there is an issue, sort it quickly and move on.

Good luck with sorting it out.
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>> I definitely agree about having everything in writing. I have a share agreement that I use. PM me if you want me to send it over to you to adapt. It covers all sorts of stuff including days / times when the sharer has the horse, things that >> the sharer must do (pick out feed, feed according to my instructions, warm up and cool down the horse properly, use my tack, wear high vis on the road, poo pick, muck out on their days etc ). It also covers what the sharer may not do >> ( pull mane/tail or clip, gallop around on hard ground, use their own tack , etc etc)

I don’t do the above, but I do set rules of expected behavior, and don’t have any novices, so a lot is assumed. I’m looking for a sharer who puts the horse first, in all situations, not someone that wants to ride in good weather, and seem to be able to spot the difference if not immediately after few weeks.

I’d be spitting if someone brought one of my horses back dripping and turned out wet. Bit sweaty fine, but my horses are fit, dripping would be a huge concern (barring a major fright out hacking).

I also used to be at a yard, where any minor blip came straight back to me! I invest a lot of time ride with people at the beginning (two horses) and showing them how I do things and discussing them. I’ve never had anyone try and take over / change stuff. Perhaps it is obvious a mile away that I am a control freak? Or that I am a very hands on owner, looking for help riding and doing chores, but not for someone to take over.

>> If I were you, I would get the sharer on their own and have a quiet chat to remind them of what they agreed, and also that you like things done your way.

Agree, but I think I’d plan it first. Maybe include the above document if JulesRules sends it to you, and you do your version. Maybe set a meeting up, perhaps local pub, and say you’d like to add a bit of clarity and formality around your share arrangement. And then talk through the document. Include your must haves / must dos, which might include rug temperature guidance. But don’t make the whole thing too onerous. Pick the important stuff.

>> At the end of the day it's your horse and you get to make the decisions.

Absolutely. I mostly communicate with my sharers by text / WhatsApp. Which is easier to make changes / convey information. E.g. “noticed feet a bit smelly, grateful if could iodine spray when pick out” etc. We send lots of pictures / updates / routine & diet tweaks / chat. WhatsApp is fab for taking pictures of stuff / new routine stuff / injuries / how things need to be used etc. and sending over. Though I call if anything is controversial or could be misinterpreted.

>>We all find sharing hard at times. I have a fairly new sharer. He is okay and we are still working on things, but I get irritated by stupid stuff too so don't think you are on your own with that. I get mad that my sharer always leaves the >>mane and tail spray in the grooming kit. The grooming kit lives in a closed box, so to shut the lid he puts it on it's side. I know that it's just a matter of time until it leaks all over the brushes etc and I'm forever putting it back in its correct >>box with the lotions and potions. It's only a small thing, but that's how I like it done. It's my horse and my stuff so I get to decide.

Echo this. There are always going to be small things other people do that arent how you like them. It is learning which to tackle and which to let go. And learning that you can only tackle a few at any one time.
At the end of the day, I want sharers that if I message them and say, think horse was a bit warm last night, as I found him sweating in the morning, perhaps only put medium weight on if it’s dropping below 10 degrees, who are sorry horse was too warm, and want to get it right. I did write down temperature rug guidance suggestions last year after my sharers suggested it :-)

>>I have had a few sharers over the years and I'm definitely a lot more straight with them these days. If there is an issue, sort it quickly and move on.

I’d echo this. Also whilst you can really like your sharer, I am not sure you can be friends exactly. In the same way I couldn’t live with my good friends. I think whilst you can be friendly, for a sharer when you are a hands on owner who is particular, you need to keep boundaries, and a level of authority, and learn to be clear and fair.
 
It all comes with experience. She will learn eventually. You are clearly a very trusting person whos happy to teach them, so they should learn to do things as you say cause not many people will let such a novice loan. They should definitely not cut off their nose to spite their face! I would call myself an experienced horse owner, but i still call my boys owner to check the silly things like does he get what rug on and what numnah which bucket is his etc lol (but to be fair it is only my 3rd week)

re the yard owner, she sounds like she has nothing better to worry about. I can't tollerate these "its November horse needs heavyweight combo and 4 feeds a day" my own lot are all naked. Tell the sharer that the first lesson she has to learn re horses on yards is that the YO is not god! They own a yard, they don't own the horses.

Also, post this to the YO - http://www.soulfulequine.com/to-blanket-your-horse-or-not-to-blanket-that-is-the-question/
 
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Mylife said:
Thanks again for the tips, I ended up crying to the sharer today, so we haven't really gotten anywhere, tbh I'm starting to feel she's not what's upsetting me, I think it's the yard owner, like her horse is about to go into heavyweights and I dont even want mine in a lightweight all the time, yet she implied I didn't care about my horse because I was letting her get cold so now she's rugged
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You cried over how your yard owner made you feel about rug changes? What is your yard owner doing hanging about and interfering with what rug you are putting on?
Your sharer isn't experienced enough to be left on her own by the sounds of it, I'd either train her up or let her go.
 
Have a chat with your sharer, explain that you and the YO have different ways with horses and this doesn't necessarily make one person right or wrong but that you really want to continue to maintain your method of care with your horse and therefore if it is an area you have expressed a preference then she needs to stick to your method. If she's not sure then she should phone you and only if she can't get hold of you should she be guided by the YO.

You can always keep it light hearted by claiming baby hormones meaning you might be a bit sensitive to a reduction in control.
 
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