Feeling like a terrible mother...

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fallenangel123

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My daughters' first pony Lady has reached her time, I know this, and if it were just me I would have no problem in getting it organised. However... I have two girls who think the sun rises and sets with her. They have another pony as Lady has been retired since last year, but she's not so easy to handle on the ground so they need help with her and miss being able to do it theirselves.
I am going to have to make this call and break their hearts, I feel terrible about it but can't do anything about it either.
I love this little pony, she has taught them so much and has always looked after them, but she didn't winter well and spending the last couple of months on good grass haven't helped at all. Obviously we've been through all the medical side of things, but she is just old and we can't treat that.
The girls have been down tonight to give her cuddles and treats, they know she is 'old and poorly' but not what needs to be done now.
I feel bloody awful, plus I have tonsillitis, I know no one can make this go away but I just needed to share this with people that will understand.
 
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this :(
Even as a 22yr old, my mother found it hard enough to tell me my cat Holly's time had come.
Big hugs and good luck! x
 
Big hugs to you and your kids.
Be honest with them and tell them before it happens so they can say their goodbyes - be age appropriate but don't sya that she's gone to sleep as that can make kids scared to go to sleep.
 
Really sorry you have to make this call. However children can surprise you with just how kind and sensible they can be .

I am sure you will explain in a way they can understand, and although they will be upset they will not want their special pony to suffer

Hope you feel better soon.
 
I really feel for you :(

how old are your girls do they need to know anything other than she died of old age? the upset will still be there for them but less complicated than explaining. totally up to you and I know is different for different ages.
I have 2 daughters and we nearly lost one of the ponies during the winter, I thought I was going to have to take that decision, thank fully she pulled through.
 
mynutmeg said:
Big hugs to you and your kids.
Be honest with them and tell them before it happens so they can say their goodbyes - be age appropriate but don't sya that she's gone to sleep as that can make kids scared to go to sleep.
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This. When a pony called Spike was put down at my yard, we didn't tell the kids and I'm so cross they made that choice. They deserve to know and it's not fair to shield them from that sort of thing. My parents have always been honest with me about death and while I really don't cope well with it, I understand very well that it's something that happens.
Again, good luck! xx
 
When my children were small I just told them the ponies had died of old age - they don't need to be seeing you as the instigator of the whole thing. They can learn about grim reality when they are older, IMO. Best of luck.
 
Been there. 3 years ago and my daughter was 10. It was terrible but I tried to explain everything (through tears much of the time!) . Of course she was gutted but on the day she spent hours with her pony and did a get ready for a show morning. Then her dad took her home and I did the rest at the yard. We brought her back to say goodbye.
It's absolutely heart breaking but tbh I think I took it worse than she did.
Big hugs xx
 
If it was me i wouldwant my mom to encourage me to spend a bit more time with her than normal the day before, without me knowing it was going to happen, then when i am at school let her go, so that when i return ii can be told she passed away in the morning of old age and how nice it was that i spent time with her the day before, at least then i wouldnt have to wait for the dreaded day to arrive when she was going to be pts that would stop me thinking my mom was her killer and taken her away from us, and also the thought of how to pts, injection gun etc, hope this makes sense.
 
I went through this last year with my daughter... I was completely honest.. Horse was ill and he would be unhappy and in pain if kept alive. We went up together the night before, said our very tearful goodbyes.... I went up the following morning when he was pts. I cut a long piece of histail and had a bracelet made for her. If the children are young I see nothing wrong in saying that she had died of old age, I agree that you don't need to look the instigator.. Huge hugs, its a very sad time but you are making the right decision for your lovely pony Xx
 
So sorry.
But it is best to be honest, (they don't need to know the finer details) and ok to let them know how sad you are. A proper remembering ceremony afterwards, helps them to move on,
Children are so good at knowing what is true and truthful, and suprisingly resilient too.
 
Wow, thanks guys for all the support!
The girls are just 5 and 7 so I have kept it simple for them, they went down tonight and gave her lots of hugs and treats etc. there were tears coming home as they know she might die soon. I have been preparing them for a while. I'm sure once it's done they'll bounce back ok, I'm sure it's worse for me knowing I'm going to do something that will make them unhappy. It goes against your instincts as a mum.
 
im sorry you are going through this but i have to disagree with some people my dog was put down when i was 6/7 my mum told me she had died of old age it wasnt until i was 16 i found out she had been pts and i was devistated all over again although its hard i think you are best telling your children the truth xx
 
I agree, if the girls are very young I would just tell them she passed away because she was very old. If they are a bit older just be honest with them. I Defo wouldn't go ahead & then tell them you had her PTS as you might be made to feel like the bad guy. (Of course you are not) we had alot of animals come in & out of our lives over the years & my mum always told us the truth. She told us that some people are here on earth to look after gods creatures great & small & we have to do the right thing for them so they don't suffer. It's a great way for kids to learn about grief & the circle of life. It also teaches kids that no matter how much you love someone/something there's always room in your heart to love someone/something else as we used to say we would never have another dog/rabbit/bird etc that we loved as much as the one we lost but you find you grow to love them just as much & it's just as hard every time. Good luck, not an easy thing to do. We don't 'own' any creature after all....they are just loaned to us :)
 
Just read how old the girls are. As your explained that she might pass soon, perhaps you could talk about heaven etc & maybe tell them the rainbow bridge poem. You'll find it on google, it's quite comforting :)
 
You are far from a terrible mother.

In my opinion only you as the mum will know how best to break it to your children. Children will react in many different ways. My daughter for example could always handle the absolute truth from a very early age. When we had herpony pts It helped her understand and accept it better. My son on the other hand just wouldnt have coped with the clinical facts. So telling him, his cat died of old age was the right thing for him.

Big hugs, for when you do have to explain to them, its never easy. At least your children have a mother like you who is trying to find the best way to break the news x
 
Thank you for that Asha.

She is booked for Friday morning, better sooner than later then we have the weekend together to do something. I may get a tree for the garden that we can plant in her memory.
Thank you for all the words of support and advice, it's comforting to know that there are people that understand how difficult it is when what's right for the horse is not right for the children.
 
How very sad.

To be honest, none of us even know your children so impossible to say the best way forward. You on the other hand, know them better than anyone else in the world and trust me, when it comes to it, you will know what the right thing to do is.

You are certainly not a terrible mother and the anguish you are going through is proof enough of that.

The children will cope far better than you will expect them to, but they will of course be upset.

My biggest hugs are for you though as it is horrible to carry this on your shoulders and combine it with all the worry and concern for your children...at the same time as doing your own grieving for a much loved family member.

Xxx
 
I wish I'd had a mum like you lot!

When my pony was pts i was 8/9 and delightful mother told me everything, in fine detail how he fought the injection and what he did... thanks Mom!
 
Agree about the going to sleep due to old age, and only you know your children, my emphasis n my other thread was the word pts, because kids at school can be nasty becuase they have heard the sordid details from gorwn ups conversations, so f your children maybe said our pony was pts, some kid could come up with all sorts of nasty ways of horses being pts. Its your call.

I know if i had found out when i was 16 i would have handled it better as i would have been more grown up and no doubt heard conversations about horses being pts because they were too old and my parents would simply have said "oh hun you were so young we didnt want to upset you anymore than you could have coped with".
 
GlamourPuss86 said:
I wish I'd had a mum like you lot!

When my pony was pts i was 8/9 and delightful mother told me everything, in fine detail how he fought the injection and what he did... thanks Mom!
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Yeah...my folks were like that too and when I have children, age appropriately, I won't necessarily hide the bad bits from them. I grew up very well able to cope and the amount of times an animal has been in need and others have been too freaked out to help it where I have had no problem is silly. I put it down to it all being made very matter of fact to me as a child.
 
I think just telling them she's died due to old age is perfectly fine. Not sure if it's your land and you can bury her? All ours are buried. Then you could plant a tree there? Even if not, planting a tree and/or maybe getting a little plaque done is a good idea. My friend did this with her old pony and had a plaque put on a tree in his name with a short poem on.
 
It's very tough.
Made harder by not wanting to upset your children.

But think of the pony.
Your children will understand.
Maybe not straight away but when they mature and understand the decision has to be made to stop the suffering.

Probably best that they say goodbye.
Thrb either go home with another family member or maybe the next day when they are at school.

Seeing it done or even after its been done is traumatic enough for an adult.
Best they remember her munching on a carrot.
 
Well it's done.
Lots of tears, some mine, most theirs, lots of cuddles too.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice, it really helped me get the strength to see it through.
 
Oh Fallenangel...I am sending big hugs. Hope the children will be ok...expect some big cuddles in the morning when they wake up, but you can get them focussed by telling them the other pony will really need lots of fuss for a while to help get used to it.

Might help them a bit.

More hugs. Hope you get some sleep tonight...maybe pour yourself a stiff drink. Xx
 
Oh hun its part of learning and understanding how we love our horses and any animal. my daughter learnt young how kind it is to say sweet dreams. but 3weeks today i say goodnight to my lass. my friend my rock and im finding it hard. the tears dont stop.be honest with your children. let them cry. let them grieve as they will in later life for you. dont hide whats happening let them say good bye not at moment but before. they will be ik :) x
 
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