feeling like giving up, a good kick/hug needed!

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LessThanPerfect

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Hi everyone,
Feeling very down today, no real reason why. Had a brilliant hack last week, two hours with galloping, booked for beginners cross country, had a great flatwork lesson yesterday including walk to canter figures of eight where I got the transition and bend each time and then woke up this morning feeling like giving it all up!

To give you a bit of background, I rode as a child and was then able-bodied although I had a congenital joint and connective tissue weakness and circulation problems, as a young adult I had a severe nervous breakdown and was left with anxiety issues and panic disorder. A couple of years later I had a major car accident which left me with severe mobility disorders and symptoms similar to wobblers syndrome (balance and co-ordination probs etc.)

I then joined the RDA and did my bronze award but then stopped riding again for several years following a second breakdown and a bad fall which damaged both my hands (not horse related, fell down steps onto concrete due to mobility and balance)

Started again 2012 and 3 weeks later Dad diagnosed with terminal cancer (4th family member to be diagnosed within space of a few years) and he died last year and two weeks after that I was diagnosed with 3 auto-immune diseases plus bone-softening ( an adult form.of rickets). To top it all had another car accident beginning of June---seriously I'm not making this up, wish I was. :)

Ever since I have been really struggling with mood issues and the new health issues and getting very stressed about cancelling lessons on the frequent occasions that I am too ill to ride.
I get extremely tired and wobbly and most days wake up feeling like I've been attacked by a vampire then thrown onto a motorway during the night! I am suffering chest pains and breathing problems and am on beta-blockers for tachycardia.
Also one of our cats has recently been diagnosed with terminal illness too.

I know part of this is pure panic at the thought of a residential training/exam holiday next week to do my RDA Silver as I am panicking at the thought of being with new people and also the examiner is the same one who tested me for bronze and she scared me s*****ss then and also I don't feel adequately prepared through missing lessons.
Please feel free to give me a good kick up the whatsy, or a hug if that is more your style! :)
 
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After all you've been through it's no wonder you're not feeling very happy!

So I just want to send you some happy vibes and an enormous great big hug.

As to that instructor that scares you - just imagine him/her sitting on the loo completely starkers - it always works for me when someone is bit scary. It's almost impossible to be scared of someone if you picture them in that position, it'll either make you go 'eewww' or laugh so much your eyes water.
 
Thanks for your support, had completely forgotten about the "imagining someone on the toilet advice", hope I don't start giggling through the exam!

Keep reminding myself little things, like "must remember to keep gamgee nice and tight when putting on stable bandages and tie up the horses tail before doing back leg bandages" but I keep having nightmare scenarios where my hands won't work and I drop the bandage! :( managed to do three okay yesterday but that was just a stable management lesson!
 
Feel free to have a wobble, you've earned it (hug)

However, don't be thinking about the scary instructor, who cares. Decide what your next goal is, and I mean the thing that floats your boat, not necessarily your next challenge iykwim.

Sending an enormous hug :)
 
Ooooh, go and "enjoy" the exam. You may "pass" or you may "fail" but if you go out and learn the most you can out of the day then that is a "pass" whatever the result.

I would say embrace the adrenaline, it lets you know you are alive, and it is proof that your journey matters!

I am an assessor, and people find me "scary" so I am told. Believe me, I want everyone to pass, and if I am formal that is so that I am being formal so you have the best chance of presenting yourself with me neutral, not influencing you.

Just go be yourself, know that your assessor wants you to do well. If it goes wrong they will prompt you, they are rooting for you.

Plus, if it makes you feel better, when I did my Intermediate Teaching test I had to give a lunge lesson on a horse that was so bored and lazy it would not even trot round. In the warm up (before mounting the rider) I had to use the whip, no response. I got closer, and used the whip, at which point it went right around the horse's back leg and tied itself to itself. That made the horse shift, having the lunge whip tied to its back leg!!!:eek:

The examiner was very understanding. I even passed! She commented that she would have done the same.

I am very embarrassed to think of candidates over the years picturing me having a poo in the nude :o

If you have doubting moments think of the lovely hack.

Good luck :)
 
You have been through so much so I think it's understandable that you feel low sometimes. You are obviously on gutsy lady and sounds like you are getting worked up about you RDA exam. Try some Rescue Remedy see if that helps just to get you through the exam.
Sending hugs to you and your cat.
 
Thanks again, everyone, and nice to hear from an assessor's point of view as well, that has really helped, thanks! And yes, you are all right when you say I'll learn something from the exam process regardless- told you I needed a good kick!

Keeping everything crossed that I get horses I get along with to ride!
 
LessThanPerfect said:
Thanks again, everyone, and nice to hear from an assessor's point of view as well, that has really helped, thanks! And yes, you are all right when you say I'll learn something from the exam process regardless- told you I needed a good kick!

Keeping everything crossed that I get horses I get along with to ride!
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No, sorry, still cringing at the thought of all those people imagining me having a poo in the nude.:o:eek::o:eek::o

And in my experience, sometimes the best "exam performances" come when you are slung a low baller with something that goes "wrong" as it gives you chance to show how you will deal with it.

One assessment I had a fairly average candidate who was having a trot round without stirrups, when the horse tripped and fell to its knees, got up then bucked, then ran off a few strides.The rider was magic, sat it all, rode through. She was later in tears (so I am told) little knowing that the two assessors were saying how that incident "made it" for us, as she showed what she was made of.

I have had people fall off on assessments, and if they have come off for a reason, and can climb aboard and address the issue, have still passed. Once in a lunge lesson the candidate was doing a rather lacklustre performance when the horse ran right down the line at him. He got the whip out to defend himself, then was transformed, as he was no longer thinking about us assessing but was hell bent on lunging the bejesus out of that horse. He ended up with s strong pass in that section, although he looked astounded that he had passed.

Go enjoy. :D See what "stories" you have afterwards, and a whole load of HHO-ers will cheer you home! :D:D:D
 
Is your user name a summery of the things that have happened to you? :)

I respect you hugely.

Its clear that horses give you a huge amount of pleasure. Yes it is sometimes frustrating and disappointing and shakes ones belief in oneself, but then the are 'those' rides, where it all fits together and it is like riding in dreams. If that still happens to you then it is not time to give up.

I can't imagine how rubbish it must feel having to cancel lessons. You poor thing.

The RDA I help out at doesn't have adult riders and I don't know about the assessments. I assume though that like getting BHS Stages getting it is really expanding the fun you can have safely with horses? Focus on that, not the test.

Also good luck.
 
Yes, it is a similar assessment. I have just done a stage 1 course at the same centre but chose to do the assessment through the BHS progressive riding tests rather than the full stage 1 exam, though we did have an assessment exam for the final test 6 with exam dress and everything. I did it as practice for the RDA SILVER but I get very stressed by assessment and stress makes my physical and health problems worse so I really need to just buck up and bite the bullet :)
 
Is it Monday that you go? Is it all week? Will you be able to give us an update in the evenings?

I often find that when I have a stressy time it is useful to think that at least I have a story to tell.

BTW, you say it is a holiday too?
 
Yes, it is Monday to Friday next week. Not sure if I will be able to give you updates as I don't know what internet access, if any, they have where we are staying but if I can, I will.

It is a training/assessment holiday for RDA tests Grade 4 up to Gold but as I am the only one taking silver I have been told I will be probably be put in the gold group for the riding. We have the riding assessment lesson at 12 pm Monday so they can decide who we will be riding with.

From what I have been told, the assessors watch you during the week and can "pass" you as you go along but I don't know how that works as when I did my bronze it was just a one day thing, that was 9 years ago though so things will be different now. I think they still do a final assessment but if you bodge something in that but have done it perfectly well all week they can still choose to pass you----I think! :)
 
That sounds great, being taught like that will be a big boost to pay attention to every detail every day. I bet you will learn a stack. Plus, they will get to know you, not just the jelly wobble that will probably be evident the first day :-)
 
You will be fine. You have done so well lately that all this wobble is is nerves! If the assessor is scary, have a little think to yourself about whether they could have dealt with all the things you have been through and come out of it with the will to achieve something new.

You'll have 30 minutes on Monday when you wonder why the heck you have got into this, and then once you start to do things, you will forget the nerves and all will be fab.

There you go, that's my go at remote hypnosis. In case it doesn't work, I'm sending the kick and the hug as well. Good luck!
 
Sending positive vibes your way!

Given all that you have been through, I am sure you will be fine with your tests- they will be a walk in the park! Try and go, and just enjoy it. I am sure you have been taught lots of coping techniques that you have probably come to use regarding your anxiety and conditions. Use them if you need them, they serve a purpose!

Your horses are there to enjoy, and by the sounds of it, having your equine friends around has pulled you through some pretty awful times. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, and when it all seems too much- just remember how tough you are. Give yourself a pat on the back and breattthhhh!

PS also sending you a kick in case the positive vibes from everyone on here aren't working!

Good luck :)

Oh oh! Also PMA- POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE- make it your new mantra!

ETA- I know plenty of people who could do with a dose of your determination and strength.
 
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Once again, thanks everyone, I'm really touched by the responses I've had both from this thread and others I have posted recently. It really means a lot! :) Off to GO OUTDOORS now as I have just realised I don't have enough sports bras for a full week! Honestly, what am I like? :)
 
I hope your week goes well and you come back feeling happy and positive about life. you've had so much to deal with over the years and should be congratulated for achieving so much. You obviously have had to dig deep at times and have shown remarkable resilience, a lot of people would have just thrown the towel in! If you continue with mood swings and fatigue, why not talk to your GP. Sometimes we tell ourselves that we just need to give ourselves a kick up the bum when in fact we need (and deserve) a little more help but it can be hard to ask for it. Best wishes from someone else who is far from perfect!
 
Thanks Oldie,
I am sure once I get there I will be fine. You are all helping me to look forward to it now, though no doubt I will have a major wobble Sunday night. Going to go to Emley show tomorrow to drool over the Natives followed by the rabbits and goats so it will take my mind off a bit. As will the black and bright fuchsia sports bra I've just bought, tasteful or what?

I am seeing my GP and also other medical personnel regularly and due to have some in patient treatment later in the year.

The fatigue is a combination of pernicious and iron deficient anaemia, underactive thyroid and tachycardia all combining to deprive my body of oxygen. I am on regular iron supplementation but my blood levels are up and down like a yo-yo just now. The mood issues have a genetic link to the joint problem unfortunately and don't respond to the usual treatments so I just need to manage it but yes you are perfectly correct that these issues can often be ignored and I would urge anyone else who has similar problems to see their GP as it isn't always a case of just learning to "get a grip" :)
 
Fusha & black sounds like my kind of sports bra. :)

I think its great you'll be with the group above for riding, meens the is no point stressing about them being better than you!
 
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