Feeling Lost with My Horse - Bit of a Long Post!

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ellaandtia

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I’m writing this as a bit of a vent, but also in the hope that someone out there might understand or have been through something similar. I feel like I have no one to talk to who truly gets it.

I’ve had my gelding since he was 6 months old. He’s now rising 4, and from day one he’s always had a difficult temperament — opinionated, sharp, and generally cantankerous. Over the years, I’ve really tried to do right by him. I’ve worked with instructors, natural horsemanship trainers, and spent countless hours trying to improve his manners and our bond. But slowly and surely, he’s chipped away at my confidence.

A couple of years ago I started feeling like he just wasn’t the right horse for me, and I seriously considered rehoming. But between pressure from others (including non-horsey family and well-meaning liveries), and guilt, I stuck it out. In hindsight, I wish I’d trusted my gut, because things only got harder.

I eventually sent him away to be backed, but it was a disaster. He became increasingly resentful of the work and was launching the rider off. Vets were brought in and he was diagnosed with kissing spine. I’d never ridden him myself prior to this — the vet believes it’s a degenerative case, so riding is now off the table altogether unless we opt for surgery but the thought of rehabbing him is just too much.

He’s currently turned out and seems content in the field, living a fairly natural life. But I’m now struggling financially due to some recent life changes, and I’m stuck with a pony who I’m frankly afraid to handle, and who has no ridden future. He’s not a safe companion-type either, due to his behaviour. So not the ideal candidate for sale/rehoming.

I do still care about him deeply, and he’s never gone without anything he needs. But I’m burnt out. My mental health has taken a massive hit, and I dread even bringing him in from the field most days. I feel guilty, stuck, and completely out of love with the day-to-day.

If anyone’s been in a similar situation — with an unridable horse, behavioural issues, and confidence loss — I’d really appreciate hearing how you managed, or what helped you move forward. I’m not looking for judgment, just some support or ideas. I’m honestly at a bit of a loss right now.

Thank you for reading.
 
I’m so sorry to hear that your boy has been diagnosed with kissing spine. Life is just not fair! It does sound like his behaviour on the ground is also due to pain.
I’ve just found out that my 5 year old has got severe juvenile hock arthritis and ulcers and she has been displaying unpredictable behaviour ridden and on the ground. She is currently being treated for the ulcers and hocks have been medicated.
I have my own grazing and if she can’t be ridden, she will be a field ornament but only as long as she is happy and pain free. Mine are out 24/7 most of the year which helps.
I think that maybe you might need to consider PTS. As hard as that is, if he can’t be ridden, is difficult on the ground and is causing you stress then I think it’s perfectly justified! Take care and I hope everything works out ok!
It’s devastating when such a young horse has life changing issues!
 
I would be concerned the 'generally cantankerous' attitude s because he is in pain. Neither he nor you sound happy and there would certainly be nothing wrong with PTS, especially if you're having money troubles - paying someone to keep him alive, e.g on retirement livery, doesn't sound like it would benefit either of you - and horse ownership is supposed to be an enjoyable experience!
 
Every horse I've met with a nasty temperament and no prior abuse has been in pain. It sounds like this isn't pain that could be managed easily and with a young horse you'll be budgeting for pain meds for years.

I'm really sorry you're in this position but I'm another who would PTS on welfare grounds
 
From all that you have said I think the kindest thing for both of you would be to PTS.

It’s highly likely some of the difficulties temperament wise may be coming from some level of chronic pain from his back.

If you are struggling both mentally and financially to keep him going then it would honestly be the best way to secure his future with your head held high knowing that he will never be passed around / end up on the bin end dealer merry go round.
 
I have a horse that's the same age that I've had since he was about 1 year old. I've always been of the thought that if he were to have a condition at this young age, that demonstrated that he wouldn't hold up to work, then I'd PTS.

Not because horses are all about riding, but because a horse that is already degrading, severely injured, or otherwise ill/lame at that age has no real future. Especially if that horses existing home can no longer keep and maintain him. You can't really sell or pass on a horse like that.

Horses don't know tomorrow or the future, they know the present, and putting to sleep is by far not the worst thing that could happen to a horse.

Im so sorry that you're in this situation.
 
Was in exactly this position with my 6-yr old ex-racer and decided to pts. It is not the age of the horse that matters in these circumstances but how much pain they might be in and the quality of life that they can lead. I have had no regrets about the decision I made for him.
 
Many, many years ago, I had a welsh cob that I bought at 6 months - was a bit of a pity buy tbh - who turned out to be explosive by nature. While I had my own rented grazing until he was 2, he was fairly easy but in hindsight, that was because I could control his environment, keeping it really low stress. Things changed and he along with my other horse had to move to livery which he really didn't do well at, too busy, far too much time in, with rushed handling and his behaviour was a nightmare especially once my other horse was PTS as he lost his 'security blanket'. After one winter at standard livery, I managed to find him grass livery in a big herd where he settled but was still difficult but manageable. I did lots of ground work, got him out and about, walking, long reining, local shows etc - I did more with him as a youngster than any other horse I'd had to try and widen his world and it worked to an extent. He wasn't backed properly until 5 as he was a bit gangly at 4 and I was busy then so he got an extra year to mature.

While I'm not a brave rider (understatement of the year), on the ground not much bothers me so it was only once he was under saddle that I realised how much he terrified me with his unpredictability which meant that I couldn't reassure him when there was an incident - talk about a vicious circle! I took lessons both on other horses and on him, had others ride him, sent him away for training (biggest mistake I ever made) everything you could think of as I knew I was a large part of the problem. I adored him and because he wasn't easy, I was very protective of him, more than I would have been with another horse. Eventually I came to terms that I didn't want to try and ride him anymore, really considered selling/rehoming him so decided to try and find him a permanent loan, just so that he couldn't be passed on. It was around the time that Spindles Farm came to light and I was aware that as a big flashy Welsh D, there would be many that would try and beat him into submission and it would be very easy for something like him to start on the downward spiral of bad dealers, sales and the like of Spindles Farm. So that took up another year. There were a few potential loaners - I insisted that he stayed where he was for the first 6 months to a year so that I was at hand (but I really didn't interfere) and despite being totally honest about his behaviour, after 3 loaners going badly wrong I just retired him by the time he was 10/11.

I'd bought another horse by then so all bumbled on until the grass livery became unsuitable due to a change of ownership with quite bonkers management. He moved to retirement livery 70 miles away as that was the only vaguely suitable place I could find. I had to go there for the first few years to do the handling for farrier, field changes etc as they struggled to catch him but that was doable. I saw him weekly to start with, then at least monthly despite the distance and he was happily feral there for the rest of his life. He was PTS at 24 when he could no longer stand comfortably to have his feet trimmed despite a bute a day.

While I kept my unrideable idiot, I did seriously consider PTS many times and would have done if he needed anything other than field based vet treatment or if I couldn't afford him. It would have been grossly irresponsible of me to pass him on due to the explosive behaviour - he had the potential to seriously hurt/kill someone - and he himself deserved better. He wasn't nasty, he was scared and with people he knew and trusted was like a puppy and he was physically if not mentally healthy.

Your boy is in pain under saddle, quite possibly in pain in the field - if not now, will be at some time in the future. If you cannot keep him or if keeping him means that you cannot live your life, it is a valid and responsible decision to PTS. Passing him on is dangerous, mainly for his welfare but also for anyone who unknowingly tries to get on him. Sometimes being responsible and doing right by an animal means making really hard decisions despite feeling guilty/really sad but at least you will be able to sleep at night knowing that he is safe. That peace of mind is priceless IMO.
 
ellaandtia said:
I’m writing this as a bit of a vent, but also in the hope that someone out there might understand or have been through something similar. I feel like I have no one to talk to who truly gets it.

I’ve had my gelding since he was 6 months old. He’s now rising 4, and from day one he’s always had a difficult temperament — opinionated, sharp, and generally cantankerous. Over the years, I’ve really tried to do right by him. I’ve worked with instructors, natural horsemanship trainers, and spent countless hours trying to improve his manners and our bond. But slowly and surely, he’s chipped away at my confidence.

A couple of years ago I started feeling like he just wasn’t the right horse for me, and I seriously considered rehoming. But between pressure from others (including non-horsey family and well-meaning liveries), and guilt, I stuck it out. In hindsight, I wish I’d trusted my gut, because things only got harder.

I eventually sent him away to be backed, but it was a disaster. He became increasingly resentful of the work and was launching the rider off. Vets were brought in and he was diagnosed with kissing spine. I’d never ridden him myself prior to this — the vet believes it’s a degenerative case, so riding is now off the table altogether unless we opt for surgery but the thought of rehabbing him is just too much.

He’s currently turned out and seems content in the field, living a fairly natural life. But I’m now struggling financially due to some recent life changes, and I’m stuck with a pony who I’m frankly afraid to handle, and who has no ridden future. He’s not a safe companion-type either, due to his behaviour. So not the ideal candidate for sale/rehoming.

I do still care about him deeply, and he’s never gone without anything he needs. But I’m burnt out. My mental health has taken a massive hit, and I dread even bringing him in from the field most days. I feel guilty, stuck, and completely out of love with the day-to-day.

If anyone’s been in a similar situation — with an unridable horse, behavioural issues, and confidence loss — I’d really appreciate hearing how you managed, or what helped you move forward. I’m not looking for judgment, just some support or ideas. I’m honestly at a bit of a loss right now.

Thank you for reading.
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As you know i've recently asked for advice on here. My mare is similar in that she doesn't stable, can be a complete nutjob to be around when scared as no amount of anything helps. We tried natural horsemanship with a well known local guy who basically made her a lot worse. Her arthritis is degenerative and will get worse. PTS is her only real option now we've exhausted insurance and there is no more that will help anyway. I think you're basically looking for opinions to tell you whether this is the right decision for your horse and to be perfectly honest Yes I'd put to sleep. He can't be ridden as he is, you don't want to attempt the rehab, he's not straightforward and as I've always been taught it costs as much to keep a sick horse as it does a healthy one as they still need the same attention and more. You can't give him away/loan him out as he is. Its highly likely he'd end up in the dodgy dealer chain. You certainly should not be influenced by the opinions of liveries either. They're not paying his keep and you're having to handle him. Horses don't care what's going on as long as their needs are met and it's better a day too soon than a day too late with any health issue that can't be helped or requires a lot of time and financial commitment.
 
I'm sorry but I would pts in the very near future. I did keep a WelshDxTB mare, bought as a 4 yr, old who, after a couple of years proved to be unrideable until she was 24 but she was an excellent companion and wasn't in constant pain so far as I could tell. She was very sweet natured.
Your horse sounds at best, to be very uncomfortable almost all the time.
 
Another who would support PTS. He sounds unhappy/in pain. Not much future for him and you've done your best. He obviously can't be loaned or sold so the best way to secure his wellbeing is a kind PTS. You deserve a life too.
Don't discuss this option with non horsey people, they do not understand the real picture, if well meaning liveries are offering "solutions" don't tell them either.
It's an awful situation I'm sorry you find yourself in it.
 
- oh dear, it’s supposed to be your hobby, that you enjoy and relax with, and probably spend every last penny on, too.
This has been going on for years, the effect on your psyche won’t become fully apparent until it stops - you do need to put this scenario to bed, once and for all.
Your horse is experiencing discomfort / pain, and isn’t going to ‘get better’, very sadly, but that’s the reality, and you are at risk of becoming quite ill if you persist.
Have him put down with absolutely no regrets, because you have more than given this your very best shot, and are too responsible to palm him off to continued misery elsewhere.
You will feel great relief, and he will no longer feel anything.
 
- oh dear, it’s supposed to be your hobby, that you enjoy and relax with, and probably spend every last penny on, too.
This has been going on for years, the effect on your psyche won’t become fully apparent until it stops - you do need to put this scenario to bed, once and for all.
Your horse is experiencing discomfort / pain, and isn’t going to ‘get better’, very sadly, but that’s the reality, and you are at risk of becoming quite ill if you persist.
Have him put down with absolutely no regrets, because you have more than given this your very best shot, and are too responsible to palm him off to continued misery elsewhere.
You will feel great relief, and he will no longer feel anything.
 
I haven’t read anyone else’s replies but i had a horse who was just not nice. He would rear and barge and bite every day, I’m a confident person but he really chipped away at me. Other people wouldn’t handle him so I couldn’t take any time off. I was just about to sell (despite others telling me no one would want him!) then he got injured. 2.5 years of rehab, never getting beyond ridden walk without breaking, I eventually called it a day. He wasn’t a nice horse to have around so i couldn’t have him as a ‘pet’, he had sapped the joy out of horses for me, so much so I gave up horses (for a week before seeing sense!)
 
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