Feeling rather sorry for myself

O

Once was lost

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I have been trying hard not to throw myself a pity party but it is just getting harder and I think it is just going to get worse and worse :(
Things were going so well, I am a freelance groom and just starting off as my youngest child is coming up for starting school in September, my diary was getting quite full, I was getting offered the rides I needed and wanted, all smiles, all good.
Then on the 18th I had to go and have a stupid fall when the horse I was riding spooked like a great big baby in the indoor. I just got out of the hospital earlier this week with plates and pins holding together my smashed up left leg/ankle, the last time I fell of a horse (granted it was nearly 16 years ago now) I smashed my right ankle so badly I lost half the bone (and long story but everything I had with it, it was so bad that I couldn't ride again for years, was on sticks, wore splints for years, by the time I could ride again life had moved on and I just got back to horse 18 months ago), this isn't as bad as that in the long run but due to the fact I suffer fro chronic pain due to nerve damage and had allot of problems in my lower limbs before, this injury has had even wider problems caused by it, I can only manage a few steps on crutches before I loose all sensation in my 'good' leg so I am pretty much wheelchair bound right now, stuck in the living room unable to get upstairs even fr the loo so have to use a commode, I can't get in and out of the house without help. If I am lucky the worsening of my chronic pain will improve as my leg heels but there is no way to know, doctors say I will be non weight baring for 2 months. Then it is physiotherapy to try and get walking again, however long that takes. I am trying to be positive, trying to remind myself that the doctors have told me this is not as bad as my first ankle but I didn't have all the pre existing nerve damage then and to top things off with the extra pressure on my right ankle that has started to give me allot of pain and trouble. This was meant to be my year, everything was coming together, it was only a few weeks ago that I was posting just that about having been offered some top notch rides but now, well, the rides will still be there if I can get myself fit and back in the saddle but getting fir to ride seems like such a long hard slog that could be impossible and then I feel like I have lost my nerve, I keep reliving the accident in my head, it was so silly, I should have got right back up but it has just impressed on me how easy it is to hurt yourself badly, I mean, how unlucky can I get, 2 falls, 2 ankles! I have children to think about, I can't look after them now properly, I have to have help to do everything, I can't even fetch them a drink!
I know I need a big slap and this pity party breaking up but I am just feeling so low :(
 
Ouch, you poor thing, sorry to hear about your injuries, that must be so frustrating for you :(
You need to focus on repairing and the more care you take in letting yourself heal the quicker you will heal and be able to get back to where you were.
You will get there, this is a set back yes, but let yourself heal, these things happen *big hugs* to you x
 
(..hmmm.. gets the cakes out..)..I am sorry you are having a crap time...lots positive vibes being sent...only thing i can suggest helpfully as know your nerve damage only too well..heat & water therapy as soon as you are able with the water they will both help massively with nerve damage-I have up to 4 spas a day and usually a sauna with it, keeps me off the meds which will help you feel better too...and take things slowly rushing your recovery will only mess things up.try and be positive, oh and hijack hugs wherever possible & eat chocolate the rest of the time.its a good seratonin booster:-)x
 
I think anyone in your situation would be feeling rather low so don't beat yourself up about it.

My husband snapped his achilles tendon 18 months ago and then after 12 weeks in plaster and just starting to get properly mobile again was diagnosed with skin cancer on the other leg and had to have a big operation etc. and yes he was back on crutches again. He dealt with it well by treating it as a challenge to defy the experts and have a quick recovery - which he achieved to the amazement of his physio. He is back to cycling 40 miles a day (his passion) and super fit again. So whilst you are in a difficult place do not give up, you will get back to where you want to be. I am sorry you have had such bad luck.

The kids won't be too affected by it, they are very resiliant, and they can get things for themselves with a little bit of guidance and possibly a bit of reorganising so they are safe doing it.
 
Oh hunny.

Have a gentle hug and get someone to get you a large mug of hot chocolate to go with SS's cakes.

We have a dangerous past-time/job/hobby/interest/love. The brown stuff is going to hit the fan, usually when least expected!

I've had two falls in two years - a bleed on the brain the first time, and a broken back the second time :rolleyes::cool:

I think it would be a good plan to start thinking how else you can earn money. Either instead of or as well as the groom/riding work. It will give you something to focus on whilst you heal :)
 
Thank you for all your kind words.
Looking on the bright side everybody around me has been amazing, my friends have rallied round and are helping me while my husband is at work (he took the week I was in hospital off work but we simply can't afford him to have more time off) and are helping with the children, school mums are also helping with the children and are cooking meals for us, the pre school are taking my son for any extra sessions I need for hospital appointments and things and then there are my clients, my wonderful clients who made sure I came home from the hospital to lots of cards, flowers, chocolates and meals cooked, they came to hospital to see me, one is cooking one meal a week for me and they are taking care of my daughters pony who is a youngster and needs lots of work (my daughter is only 6 so too young to do pony all by herself). All my clients have also reassured that my work and rides will be waiting for me to come back. I also have a job working at the village shop on Sundays and a friend has taken on this for me as finding cover is really difficult, hopefully I can get back to that job sooner then going back to my groom work.
So, with all the above I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself, I am feeling the love but I am also really, really frustrated, I work so hard to overcome my chronic pain to run my home, care for m children and work doing what I love and I feel like I have been kicked to the ground and can't get up, this is a huge set back, it is going to take me loner then somebody who didn't have my other issues to recover, I may never get back to where I was with my pain levels and management but I am doing everything I can to try and help the healing along, trying to eat well, rest, follow the doctors orders to the letter and when I am cast free I will be at the pool as often as I can as with my other ankle that helped so much, I just want to get on with the physiotherapy right away but I can't until at the very least another month (and the doctors have told me another 6 weeks but I am hopeful), I guess I am impatient and hate being so helpless but I am thankful that it isn't worse, this isn't permanent, I have been lucky, there was a day or two after surgery when they were worried about something called compartment syndrome which carried a risk of me losing the leg, so I am thankful they got me through that, I was also very poorly after surgery and wasn't breathing very well for a few days, when I think how much worse things could be, my children and husband may have me in a wheelchair for a while but things could have been so very much worse.
I think the pain meds are making me ramble a touch and I am going on but trying to count my blessings, I know some people are far worse off, have worse prognosis and I also know things could have been allot worse for me and all those around me.
All that said any advice or stories about coming back from something like this would be wonderful and very appreciated, thanks for your well wishes so far x
 
Sorry to hear you're having such a naff time.
It's hard to be positive in the initial few weeks but once you start to feel recovery, you'll start looking forward and being more positive.
Not being able to care for your own child is what really bugged me, or being waited on by my sister, told off when I tried to do anything, help to wash, just generally feeling useless lol.

There is 2 stages really, the first is to mend well enough to function normally.

Second is getting back to riding. You need to concentrate on healing first, the rest will follow.

I suffer from pain in both my legs now, and always will, but I don't dwell on it, grumble, I just accept it and get on with it, and my legs hurt a lot less! I know they don't physically, pain feels much worse when feeling sorry for yourself.

Of course it's painful now because you've not yer healed, nerve damage leaves you demented, well it did me, I wanted to saw my bloody leg off some nights, but mine eventually went and yours probably will too.

Chiin up, you're right, there is always someone else worse off :(
 
Thanks for the advice, I can see you know what I am going through in regards to not being able to do anything and relaying on others, you are right, not being able to be a proper Mum to my children is the worst thing of it all, they are being so good and understanding but it's very hard.
I wish my nerve damage would go away but sadly I have had chronic pain and never damage for over 12 years, my condition is progressive but prior to thins I managed things, I am on lots of pain killers and keeping active really helps as well as a positive outlook and keeping up with my physio so this is a real setback, my nerve damage seems to have reacted very strongly to having an actual injury but I am hoping that as the leg heals the over reaction of my whole nervous system (both my legs and hands are affected, my legs right now are awful, when I try and use crutches my 'good' leg goes completely numb and jelly like and then the agonising shooting, pins and needles etc pain lasts for hours on top of the constant stuff, not sure if making sense, nerve pain is so difficult to describe) will settle down to the level it was before or only slightly worse, I am managing it better at home then it was managed in hospital because I am in control with my meds, I take it when I need it not ask for it and wait a half hour or so for two nurses to be free to do the control drug sign out, I can also keep the temperature more stable at home as cold makes it so much worse I also have all my loved ones around me at home and can go and cuddle a pony, wonderful therapy!
 
Ugh... You're having a bit of a downward blip at the moment OWL, that's for sure... You can and will heal though and start feeling better in yourself once you start to wind in some of your dependence on others...

I know that one myself too well after having a few head problems that led to some drastic brain surgery and having to review what I am and am not capable of any more...

On a practical note - is your pain management team pretty good? You mention the CD cabinet but some drugs other than the opiates can be pretty nifty at targeting neuropathic pain - anti convulsant meds like carbamazapine, some traditional anti depressants (normally at night), lidocaine patches and capsaicin cream if you can cope with the induction 'burning' phase... Just wondering if your team are on top of the possible combinations - we were lucky and had a pain management consultant on board for many years dealing with some complicated nerve pain for my son - he was a lot more diverse in his approach and drug combinations than direct treatment consultants who might be more likely to go the route of traditionally titrated analgesics...

Take care of yourself first... :)
 
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Thanks for that, I have over the years been on all sorts of treatments for the nerve damage, all the ones you mention and I am currently on Pregaberlin which works very well but I am almost up to the maximum dose for my weight. I do have a chronic pain team that I will have an appointment with very soon and they are very good at looking at everything not just drug options, we have over the years created a great balance of meds and physio but things had been getting worse before the accident so we are due a review anyway. I have also had the involvement of the acute pain team while in hospital and in regards to my discharge medication, my Oxynorm has been temporally increased but bringing it back down now and they have kept the oxycontin the same. They did have a time of things sorting out pain relief for me in hospital because I am already on quite high doses, they almost had to crack the narcan out a few times they told me when my resps were down to as few as 8 per minute, I think they were glad to be rid of me!
I just need to concentrate on healing the bone and I can see where we are after that, thanks all for your advice, horse people are always the ones to ask about this, we do ourselves damage and then get back up and at it as quick as we can so know the ins and outs of doing so better then most, also if you want to get advice from people who have gone through similar there is no place like a horse place!
 
Ouch, you poor thing! Wishing you all the best.
Also, have you spoken to your local Citizens Advice Bureau? I'm not sure, but given the state of your injury, you may well be entitled to some sort of benefit for the interim that you are off your feet. At the very least, you may be allowed something towards help with childcare?
My sister had to take a few months off work due to illness (stomach surgery was involved:eek:) and I remember that she got something granted to her to help her pay for childcare. Was a few years back though, but it made a big difference for her and her kids.
Lousy thing to happen.
 
Something you might want to look into when you next are riding is insurance for income so you aren't really struggling in these times. Did you have insurance/ a plan in place for some incident such as this?
 
Arizahn said:
Ouch, you poor thing! Wishing you all the best.
Also, have you spoken to your local Citizens Advice Bureau? I'm not sure, but given the state of your injury, you may well be entitled to some sort of benefit for the interim that you are off your feet. At the very least, you may be allowed something towards help with childcare?
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I've always found Welfare Rights to be much, much better than CAB for benefit advice. CAB are general and it's hard for them to keep up with all the complexities and changes in the benefit system. Welfare Rights are specialists, so they're always up to date.

OP, my sympathies for your injuries. No wonder you're feeling down, after going through it all before. I hope you make a speedy recovery and I'm glad you're finding people around you supportive. :)
 
Once was lost said:
I do have a chronic pain team that I will have an appointment with very soon and they are very good at looking at everything not just drug options,
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That's good to hear... There's so many who are just moved up the analgesia tree because their clinical team aren't knowledgeable about pain management - which is understandable if they're spending their time aiming for expertise in a different area of treatment...

Our chap always used to say there was no reason for anyone to have to suffer continual and debilitating pain - there should be a good level of permanent relief and a back up plan for breakthrough... His primary patient list was within palliative care though where it can be pretty extreme so I guess he was tested fairly regularly...
 
Ouch ! Sorry to hear of your accident and damage. I had severe pain and damage from old injuries and gave up riding a few years ago ( horse got too old as well) then I discovered "Scenar"......a Russian treatment method which is somewhat like having electronic acupunture/massage/deep tissue treatment/neuro-link only it does not hurt. Got me back riding in 15 treatments and my back injury was extreme. Heals bones, tendons, muscles, nerves........ kick starts the brain's own self healing properties as well. If you can find a practitioner by "googling" it, I can say that after three treatments you will feel quite a bit better....the first two you do feel like a twit even trying something so strange. Honestly, well worth ever $ spent on it.... works well on horses and dogs as well ! :)
 
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