Feeling so down, need support.

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Oldernewbie

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To be honest not expecting any solutions from this post but any emotional support and general observations as to whether I can realistically get through this would be appreciated.
So I’m 9 months in with my horse who I have bonded with and love to bits. First horse.
Quite a mareish girl and observed by people who know better than me to be a dominant girl. We have had difficult behaviours on the ground which with support are hugely improved.
Professionally schooled with me from day one as knew she wasn’t well schooled and was sharp to start with but this has also improved greatly and she has settled well.
Pros who ride her say she is kind and honest, never bucked / bolted- reared etc.
The issue which I have is she is strong and clever and as soon as I get on top of one evasion up pops another. Over time I’ve had the napping, falling out on her shoulder taking all semblance if control esp in canter away, backing up when asked to go forwards, she also anticipates what I’m going to ask of her and as Im still inexperienced this is really unnerving as again I have little control. On the flip side side days she doesn’t want to work at all.
All this probably doesn't sound all that bad but I’ve just got to a point where I feel I cant keep up with her.
She is schooled for me once /twice a week by professionals and I have at least one lesson a week on her. I’ve had vet out numerous times, teeth, back physio, everything checked a few niggles but basically nothing untoward found.
Straw thats broke the camels back is got on today and a new evasion has emerged.
Came home and sobbed my heart out ?!!
Husband says I should find a lovely competent loaner for her and look for a new horse come spring.
Feeling such a failure.
 
It sounds like you’re doing all the right things for your horse.

Horse ownership and riding is meant to be enjoyable so your husband maybe right about a change. That’s not a failure, it’s a partnership and both sides need to click.

Equally I certainly feel like you do sometimes, so if you want to stick with it keep up with the schooling and lessons - there will be highs and lows.

Be kind to yourself, you sound like a committed horse owner not a failure.
 
Write her ad and see if anyone is interested in her. The perfect home may well just happen along and leave you free to look for your perfect horse.

There will always be ups and downs, huge highs and huge lows etc, but you shouldnt feel like its a constant never ending struggle where the horse is always one step ahead of you.
 
Not a failure at all IMO. I have decades of owning many horses ...some I got on with from day one, others not so much. They were challenging and sometimes I just was not up to that challenge. More often than not a change of ownership was all it took to transform my 'demon horse' into a delight to own, but sadly nto always by me.

point is - like people we don't always gel with every horse that comes into our life, we might feel we have 'bonded'but that is a long way from a happy 50/50 riding partnership in my experience. I think you husband has got it right, life is far too short to spend out chosen hobby crying and stressing. Move on, loaner or new owner and keep looking for that perfect horse that suits you and your needs. Stop beating yourself up - most of us have been there at some point in our riding lives.
 
How is she to hack OP? She sounds like she spends quite a lot of time in the school? Could it be she needs a bit more variety? Apologies if I’ve assumed wrongly. I just know from experience, I’ve had horses for over 45 years and have run my own yard for 25, that some horses can get a bit arena stale? If she is hacking regularly though, then there’s possibly a reason she’s not wanting to cooperate with you, maybe pain related? ?‍♀️ Sounds like you’re doing everything you can, and if nothings working, hate to say it, but maybe she’s just not ‘your’ horse?? sorry to be so negative, I’m sure it’s not what you need, but sometimes it’s better to be realistic ?
 
Thank you all so very much for your replies.
Deep down I know its ‘me’ setting her up for these behaviours as no, she doesn’t really do them with the professionals. One lady in particular she seems to actually enjoy riding her!!
I do wonder if my quite severe nerves in the early days affected her and now she is reluctant to ‘let go’ and work well. I don’t know. Finding a loaner would not be difficult she is beautiful and capable over and above my needs.
Its just such a shame as I really do adore her.
 
Chocolate thanks for your reply... I don’t hack her on the roads but she is hacked out over fields but currently they are inaccessible as like a lot of places they are flooded. She is still turned out all day every day on dry turnout tho.
With respect to pain, I also worry a great deal about that but having had every professional possible out who all say she is fine I’m at a loss to know what to do next.
 
those last few words say to me that you are a little overhorsed and you realise it (capable and over and above my needs) she may be the sort of horse that needs a more competition type home and is telling you that she is not happy as she is. for a first horse you need something sensible that you can relax on and have fun and you are not currently having fun, so why not consider selling her? maybe the person who really enjoys riding her might be interested...good luck
 
It's not her, it's you.

Sell or loan her, and get some lessons at a riding school.

Then when you are retuned ;) get a Highland pony, or a cob (black and white type, not Welsh D as they can be hot too).

I'd also suggest a gelding rather than a mare - they are less sharp. Mares are 'entire' after all, and we sometimes forget that.

It happens to all of us - there are horses we love, and wish we could ride but just don't get on with. Not worth carrying on - divorce her so you can both find new partners :D.
 
Oldernewbie said:
Shils she is a cob!!! Just a very capable one!!!
Everyone said get a nice laid back cob....... !!!!
I had hundreds of riding school lessons, so not sure if that’s the answer but I do understand where you’re coming from.
Click to expand...

Clearly you need thousands, not hundreds of riding school lessons. :p
Seriously though, some cobs can be quite sharp, quite bright and quite strong. Which some (deranged) people enjoy. Clearly you are not one of them so I'd listen to your husband, put her on loan (perhaps with a view to selling her to the right person) and find a horse you feel safe on.
Life is way too short to have to psyche yourself up to ride, unless you are some kind of equine masochist.
 
In my opinion it is all these different behaviours that horses show us that keeps riding interesting. If horses were the same every day it would be dull. We need new challenges and different problems to solve to keep it interesting.
I love reading all the different moods of my mare and finding new ways to get round problems.
OP I think you should just carry on having lessons and doing things you enjoy on her - hack, go on beach or woodland rides, have gallops with your friends...... and eventually you will suddenly find you and your horse are enjoying each others company.
 
I was worried you had depression, OP. I'm glad it's not that.

This made me giggle: Seriously though, some cobs can be quite sharp, quite bright and quite strong. Which some (deranged) people enjoy.

I'd love to be the sort of rider who loves a challenge, but I'm not. You've just got to find the right horse.
 
What does your instructor think or your riders think? Not trying to dissuade you but all horses can be challenging and she’s your first horse. Mine is my 4th riding horse, is perfect for me but us still able to get to me from time to time (mainly when I feel I’m not good enough for her). We really bonded when she was injured and I was forced to roadwork her. It’s done wonders for us. Could one of your prof rides be a hack?
 
There is some good advice here.

It feels OP like you are having this difficult conversation with yourself about this mare, and I think in your heart-of-heart you may be saying to yourself that you and she aren't really compatible??

If so........ then that is a positive step, as you are admitting that you and this horse are maybe not right for each other.

Someone above (can't remember who) said that this horse might be "telling" you that there is another place, with another person, where she'd rather be. This is tough for you, but I get the feeling that you too are believing this: horses DO do this, especially mares, and I think you are realising that you and she would benefit from parting company TBH.

Sorry I can't be more positive, but at least you are looking at the situation honestly rather than go on like a lot of people do, struggling with a horse that just isn't right for them.

Horses & riding is meant to be fun! There is nothing like having a lovely horse who you know would jump off a cliff for you and you have that lovely bond with, its just soooh priceless.

But sometimes unfortunately the chemistry between horse & rider just doesn't work, in spite of everything the owner can do to try and make it happen. When that is the case, it is better IMO to call it a day early on, and move on to something that IS prepared to agree with you and to make your heart sing.
 
You are not a failure, you have bought a horse that was probably far less educated than you expected, have identified that you need help, have pros involved from every angle as well as having regular lessons on what was not an ideal first horse to buy, this is not a failure on your part but is a very common situation that is seen time and time again.
I have picked up the pieces many times for clients who sometimes work through it other times move the horse on and look for another that is better suited.
A couple of things come to mind the first is is your instructor also the person riding her? if not why not try to have lessons with whoever is schooling her as when I school something I need to have the owners ability in my mind and be working the horse to suit them not to suit me, it is not always how a pro will work so something to consider.
Secondly I would seriously think about selling if you do decide to move her on, or loaning with a view to buy rather than loaning in the hope you can take her back in a couple of years as the perfect next step, it rarely works out that way, your ambitions may change, you may love her replacement even more, she may go wrong, the rider may change her completely, or numerous other scenarios, a clean break is often easier in the long run however hard it seems at the time.
 
Been there with a horse I used to own - he was dreadful, always something new and tears of frustration from me. It was making me miserable so I sold him and bought my current horse. He still throws different evasions at me, sometimes the same ones as my old horse, but the difference is me - I laugh at them! Not sure why that is but I just seem to get on better with this horse, he makes me happy and we have a good relationship and understanding of each other.
So if it isn’t working out then don’t be afraid to change something even if that’s your horse. We spend so much time and money and effort on them it is heartbreaking when you feel as though you’re getting nothing back and it stops being fun. Life is too short.
 
I sold Tom as he wasn’t the horse for me. I had him 6 months. He wasn’t being difficult in the way your horse is but he hated being ridden and we were getting nowhere. Instructor was very frank with me about him. Maybe easier as we didn’t “like” each other but I felt guilty having only had horses to their end of life and I felt responsible for him. Anyway upshot is I sold him to a lovely lady who adores him and he is still there 4 years later. And of course I then got robin who is the perfect horse!

What I will say tho is robin hates going in the school all the time, he gets bored, behind the leg and then gets silly sharp and spooky. So we hack, which atm is splodging round a field, and only go in the school occasionally. Even when he was eventing he would hack to a field, school for 15mins and hack home. Or would go in school for a jump and then have a quick canter round the field to reward.
 
Speaking from experience, I would have ovaries scanned and gastroscope done.
If all OK, then you're doing all the right stuff. It's a truly awful winter and an many horses are playing up atm (incl mine!) Re the nerves, I've had good nlp sessions with a specialist equestrian sports psychologist. They can be very beneficial. Keep on doing what you're doing Give it till summer before making any decisions.
 
Yup a lot are my safe as houses pony binned her 9 year old rider just got fed up of trotting in circles so popped a buck in and the kid went skywards. Pony was very apologetic after but was obviously simply fed up. She was like a very old seaside donkey after with my 2 year old granddaugter so very contrite
 
Your husband sounds wonderful.

I have helped people in your position when I was teaching. Some people grew into their horses, for some it was too big a jump. I have had many that, when persuaded to sell, found their new partner and absolutely flew afterwards.

I am thinking about one young rider who, after months on lead rein and lunge only, walk and trot only, went on to find their 'partner pony' and within a week were jumping at a show in gale force winds! The mother was on top of the world and wished they had done it months before. There was nothing wrong with the original pony, a coloured cob, but the pony was asking an awful lot of questions that the rider was not able to answer. So, the pony made up its own answers. The replacement was an aged one, who simply wanted to help the rider have fun and did her utmost to translate what on earth the rider wanted her to do.

It is meant to be fun.
 
OP, I do feel desperately sorry for you. My previous mare was my world even after a broken collarbone and bruised pelvis. It took me 18 months to realise it just wasn’t working. However there was one important piece of advice I didn’t take which I know now I should have. I was advised to ride a horse that was push button to feel what it should feel like. I thought ‘pffftt’ how is that going to help? I need to learn to ride my horse! I bought another mare who tested me and I was ready to sell her 2 weeks after buying her as I still so raw from my previous mare. However, we grew together, challenged each other together, learnt from each other and now, 18 months on she is my world and my daughter’s world (who has learnt to ride and jump her, no easy task as she is extremely bouncy). My point is, and something I was told, again which I ignored, it takes a year to be comfortable together, if you aren’t after that, it’s just not worth the anguish. We all think we are the best owner and no one else could love our horse like we do, but there are so many options out there. My first mare has gone off to have champion babies due to her breeding and I have asked for her back afterwards. With the lessons learnt on my current mare, I think I am a better rider than I was when I had her. Good luck on what you decide to do but do remember to be kind to yourself
 
I had the wrong horse and I kept him for far too long. It was a different scenario to this one, but he still wasn't right for me and I knew it. I'd had him from being a baby and adored him so wouldn't listen to anyone who said sell. Tragically he then died, I was heart broken, but the next horse was the right one. It changed everything for me. I did things I never dreamed I'd be able to do. Instead of watching other people ride from the sidelines I was able to enjoy my own horse.

When I look back now I was so stupid and pig headed! I spent a fortune and lost my love for it all. I wont make that mistake again.
 
Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply. Its really helped me feel a bit less alone in this!
Taken on board all views and my plan going forward is to get a second opinion on her health wise (its so difficult as my vet dismissed ulcers when I asked previously) Ive had the vet to her lots for various bits and pieces she has had a lameness work up and the pros who ride her both feel she is sound.
I’ve gone backwards in my riding since having her and the thought of having a horse who will willingly do as asked that elusive push button type is but a distant dream!!
I will come back to this thread and update it when I have decided what to do.
 
OP It is supposed to be fun, an enjoyable hobby
Two people don't always end up being friends just because they are together for periods of time
I honestly believe it is the same with horses and people.
We need to have a partnership with our horse, to enjoy riding them and for them to enjoy working for us.
Some people DO enjoy working through schooling issues endlessly (to be honest I am probably one of them!) but if you don't, or don't feel you have the skillset required, then get a horse that doesn't ask that of you so often.
Every horse will test our boundaries at some point, but some are more generous than others- and some people pick up on the tests very quickly and nip it in the bud before it develops into a full blown evasion. If you aren't one of those people, there is no harm in that, but you'd be better suited to a horse who doesn't require it of their rider.
Its not a failure on your part, its a responsible decision for both of your happiness.
 
When I was a kid I used to ride for a small dealer, I used to ride anything, fall off a lot, and get laughed at. Usually through time, we had 'our' ponies, I would work out what worked and managed to get something out of them, then one day I didn't. Even though by that time I had ridden and cared for loads of ponies, often problem ponies,there is always one that for what ever reason is 'too much' and I think even the pro's know this, I have seen it happan, but they do not admit it. So do not beat yourself up.
Fast forward about 20 years and I teaching my kids to ride. First of all you have to buy the right pony, one that is not overly reactive, but even then its not a done deal. They are smart, and learners have chinks and the pony soon learns what they can do to get through them and it sounds as if your horse is a not overly reactive horse but is really good at finding your chinks and no amount of anyone else riding it will make that better, as soon as you get on top, it goes haha, its her/ or him. You can not expect to ride like the pro, and they should not be schooling the horse to make it do x,y,z, but giving you the skills to prevent behavour you do not want. Planning so you and the horse achieve something, how ever small, and sometimes that means doing really simple things, avoiding things that are triggers. In fact a pro riding it could be making it more reactive, it will be more off the leg and become more sensitive to weight.
There is no right thing to do, if its not improving, do not feel bad about moving the horse on. If you decide to keep, you have to find someone who is commited to helping you succeed, it may be small, not pretty, they weight the situation in your favour, they see the chink before the horse and help you to fill it and if nessacary avoid schooling and all the proper stuff in favour of you getting something back.
No one else ever rode my kids ponies, even the ones we bought unbroken, I had to find a way to fill the chinks for them, because they didn't have the skills to work it out for themselves, but it takes time and thought.
 
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