Feeling so down- what would you do?

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dreambigpony

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I suffer from severe anxiety, depression, self harm and last year I was diagnosed with anorexia.
Basically, I was signed off work for one month a couple of months back, I returned to work for 2 weeks and found everything came tumbling down and I have been feeling even worse. It's not helped by the fact that I absolutely hate my job. I am now signed off again and so so anxious all of the time, constant knots in my stomach. I have been on medication for a year and a half and it is now completely maxed out. (I am still living at home with parents as only 17) I am seeing a private counselor once weekly but I don't know what to do about work. My parents have said they are more than happy for me to leave my current job as long as I have something to go straight in to- (I pay my horse's costs) Thing is...what if I can't get a job for another 2-3 months? I refuse to go back to my current job because I am so incredibly anxious and my manager just doesn't understand, I am made to feel like a burden because I'm signed off. I'll go back to doctors at the end of week again but don't know what else they can do for me. I was in a psychiatric hospital for several months last year- my employer knows this and they still employed me and yet they are making me feel guilty and like I'm letting them down for being off. It's just making me feel so ill and stressed. I am sorry to keep going on, I just don't know what to do. I don't know what job I want to go to, or what to do with my life. I feel like I have no structure. :(
 
I am sorry that you are feeling so low.

I suffered with depression last year and it was tough. I wasn't so much anxious as completely uninterested, so it was possible for me to keep working and in some ways it helped because I had to switch on, although my boss was unsympathetic.

I can't say what you should or shouldn't do. My parents made me a similar offer but I stuck it out because my issue has always been putting pressure on myself so to quit work would've been a failure. I'm not saying this is the case - in fact if any of my friends had been in the same situation I'd have encouraged them to take all the time they needed! - but for me personally that was just how I felt about my own situation. Funnily enough I changed jobs in the summer (about 2 months before I came off antidepressants) and am so much happier, but I felt like I was able to interview and perform my best to get that job. The summer before, I didn't feel like I was up to job hunting and interviews.

If another forum member had written this, what would you say to them?
 
Firstly, hugs! Secondly, it will get better!! I know that's a cliche, but at your age your brain is going through all sorts of hormonal stuff, and I promise you it's a million, MILLION times better once you come out of the teenage years! So it kind of is a case of powering through. I would not be happy if your medication is maxed out and still not working though, what does your doctor say about this? What are you taking? Do you have anything like beta blockers you can take as and when you need them? Have you tried any other approaches for the anxiety, counselling, meditation, relaxation methods etc?

Are you still at school?
 
Pigeon said:
Firstly, hugs! Secondly, it will get better!! I know that's a cliche, but at your age your brain is going through all sorts of hormonal stuff, and I promise you it's a million, MILLION times better once you come out of the teenage years! So it kind of is a case of powering through. I would not be happy if your medication is maxed out and still not working though, what does your doctor say about this? What are you taking? Do you have anything like beta blockers you can take as and when you need them? Have you tried any other approaches for the anxiety, counselling, meditation, relaxation methods etc?

Are you still at school?
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I went back to my doctor last week and he said that because he maxed it out 2 months ago it will take up to 6 months to actually start working. I'm on Sertraline and have been since July 2013...not sure it's doing its job but the doctor doesn't seem to want to hear it. I've had CBT, psychotherapy, mindfulness, counselling in past, group therapy and now trying private therapy.
I'm also on diazepam as and when I have a bad anxiety attack but because I've been on it for 2 months now, my Doctor won't prescribe me anymore as they can be addictive.
 
is your doctor a psychiatrist or just a GP?
Medication can take a few months to work like you said, so stay hopeful. however, pretty sure you are meant to feel some difference within a few months, not 6 months. Some medication works for some people and not for others. Or you may need a combination of more than one drug (I am not a doctor! but had severe depression and anxiety for a number of years aged 18 on wards and it took a few different medications to really help. first one i tried did nothings, then the 3 i settled on took some changes in levels to work (1 for anxiety, 2 for depression)
It sounds like you need to try and find a job you enjoy, or can at least cope with. It will make a huge difference to your overall mood. Is there any way you parents could manage to pay for your horse just for a few months so you can quit your current job and have time to find another one?
 
pippixox said:
is your doctor a psychiatrist or just a GP?
Medication can take a few months to work like you said, so stay hopeful. however, pretty sure you are meant to feel some difference within a few months, not 6 months. Some medication works for some people and not for others. Or you may need a combination of more than one drug (I am not a doctor! but had severe depression and anxiety for a number of years aged 18 on wards and it took a few different medications to really help. first one i tried did nothings, then the 3 i settled on took some changes in levels to work (1 for anxiety, 2 for depression)
It sounds like you need to try and find a job you enjoy, or can at least cope with. It will make a huge difference to your overall mood. Is there any way you parents could manage to pay for your horse just for a few months so you can quit your current job and have time to find another one?
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They could pay in terms of affording to pay for me but their opinion is they don't want me to rely on them and get used to not working because it will isolate me even more and get me more down.
 
I've been signed off sick for 5.5 years now so can fully understand your stress over not working although my illness is very different. I had an allergic reaction to prescription medication years ago and had 6 months off sick at the time. I then forced myself back to work and pushed myself to keep working for the next 6 years because I had horses and a mortgage to pay. I was hospitalised and had shorter periods off work throughout that time. What finally made me realise and accept that I needed to be off work was after a bout of septicaemia and a stay in hospital where my manager wanted to courier my laptop to the hospital so I could work. I pushed myself and ended up doing irreparable damage to my body and rather than being able to drop to part time as I planned I'm now unable to work at all.

You need to look after your health and consider what is best for you in the long term. It took me far too long to realise that. I pushed myself because of my horses and to be fair I don't think I would have had the motivation to get up and carry on with a life threatening illness without them. We've changed the way they live so that I could keep them and they do have periods of doing nothing when I'm very unwell but they are my reason to keep going.

Can you find a solution for your horse like living out or a sharer to help financially so you concentrate on your health and finding a new job without the added pressure of doing it all alone?

Please do put your health first as your employers will always put work first. Do not feel guilty at being signed off work. The doctor will only sign you off if you honestly need it. Look around for a job you will enjoy now rather than worry about a long term career. Hope you feel better and please PM me if you want a chat.
 
dreambigpony said:
They could pay in terms of affording to pay for me but their opinion is they don't want me to rely on them and get used to not working because it will isolate me even more and get me more down.
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I do have to agree with your parents that being at home is very isolating. Could they help if you worked part time?
 
I was wondering what sort of job you do now? It will likely have skills that will transfer to a new role. I guess the trouble is you can't job hunt while you are off sick, but I do agree with your parents that it would be easy to get into the habit of not working and to become isolated.

Would it be possible to spend this time off to research either a college course, that could be part time, or to try to volunteer for some charity work? Either option would have threefold benefits, as either would get you out of the job you hate, get you out of the house, and also move on from a patchy employment record so you can prove consistency either in education or in the Voluntary sector.

It is hard to see a way forward when you feel at a dead end, but they may be two avenues to explore.
 
Given your age, you could also look into volunteering work with the Prince's Trust, or Conservation Volunteers. Something aside from an actual paid job, where you can be out in the fresh air and meeting new people.

Sertraline can take effect within 48 hours of starting it, but the downside is that it can cause feelings of depression, especially during the first couple of weeks. Never take it on an empty stomach; it plays havoc with the digestion! And it doesn't work for everyone, so you may want to ask your parents to go along to the GP with you and book a double appointment slot to discuss other options. Don't be fobbed off, take someone who can advocate for you.

If you can get weaned off the Diazepam entirely this will also effect your overall emotional state, which could help in the long term. Learning to manage emotions after having been on medication to essentially mask them is scary. The worst thing about medication is often the side effects, and the aftermath - coming off medication is more complicated than people realise. So whatever you do, make sure you take it slowly and that you have support in place.
 
Sorry to hear you are in a bad way.

I think you said you are 17, and I would assume you're still under the CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health service) team if you have been in hospital. Agree with earlier posters that might take more than one medication to help, this is not an uncommon issue and medications all have slightly differing indications e.g. anxiety, depression etc. Your doctor may have some concerns being under 18 as many medications are not licensed for use in this age range and some require being started by a specialist in order for your GP to prescribe it. I would be surprised if you are not still open to a CAMHS team, but if not I would be questioning if you need to be referred back to them, even if it is for advice with regards to medication. I have some experience in this, but your GP really would be best placed to advise as they will have the benefit of you in front of them and also your records etc. I would be wary of relying on diazepam, very addictive, very hard to reduce and wean off of. Depending on your medical history something like propanolol may be helpful. There are a few reasons someone might not get on well with this and your GP could advise you.

The talking therapies are great, and try and stick with it. At the time they can feel draining and challenging and like they don't achieve much, but they do help in the long run.

Work is difficult, and a very personal decision. It's often a catch 22, someone might benefit from time off from work as a means of allowing them to cope with what is currently happening in life. At the same time work provides structure, routine and contact with others - and it sounds like isolation and withdrawal might be a trigger point for you. That's without the financial side of things. I think, in this instance, the people who can give you the best advice, are your parents. It might be a bit of a joint effort. There is also a more practical view point in that these are tough economic times and jobs aren't always easy to come by, but if your current role is adding to your worries then it might be that you'll need help from the family for now.

Fingers crossed that things start to feel easier soon.
 
Thanks everyone, i am actually now a part of adult mental health services as will be 18 in 2 weeks. Not found them helpful at all which is why I have gone privately.
 
First of all, don't feel like you are on your own. You would be AMAZED how common some form of mental illness is. I'm having lunch today with a friend who is a high-flying academic, but has suffered from bouts of depression for the last 20 years at least. But you wouldn't know it to look at him. People who have been lucky enough to never be affected (yet!) can't possibly imagine what it is like to effectively see the world from the wrong end of the telescope, and that is why they rather unhelpfully say that people need to pull themselves together, or whatever. Let your medication do its work, and definitely keep up with CBT and counselling. But you need to treat yourself too, and the best way to do that is with distraction. When you have long periods stuck at home, your mind can start playing horrible games with you. Absolutely get out and do voluntary work, there is no need to put extra pressure on yourself with employers etc. Perhaps you could walk peoples' dogs, tidy their gardens, work in a local charity shop? Exercise is so good for you, physically and mentally, and I'm a firm believer in Dr Green for humans as well as horses. I live oop North and there is no doubt that I suffer with the short daylight hours in the winter months, so I try to get outside even for a few minutes as often as possible, and get out and about at weekends. Don't feel guilty about your illness, you didn't ask for it or bring it on yourself in any way.
 
It certainly sounds like work is an added pressure you don't need at the moment, although I do understand why your parents want you to work Could you do a deal with your parents so they'll pay for your horse if you do some voluntary work? I have visited a number of volunteering projects with my job and there are lots of people volunteering on them who have been in similar situations to you. I would maybe contact an organisation like Mind who should have some info about projects close to you that other people with mental health issues find helpful. If you find being around horses helps, maybe something like RDA or a local rescue charity would be good for you, they're incredibly rewarding charities to be involved with and might just give you the boost you need? Good luck with it all.
 
I profess only to have suffered 2 bouts of postnatal depression, prescribed but didn't take meds. Getting out of the house worked for me and I am sure that having to be outside looking after my horses keeps me sane nowadays. I would reinforce what people have said about CBT, meditation may be a bit too introspective at the moment, but how about doing some yoga with a trained yoga teacher, trained in how to teach the depressed client? It will be exercise based and raise endorphin levels and give you a bit of structure. It is such a deep subject that you can establish a kind of healthy addiction to it!! Apart from being a yoga teacher myself (did you guess?!) I also run a cattery. One of my volunteers has just written me a beautiful Christmas card that I will treasure for ever, telling me how, by giving her the opprtunity to volunteer with the animals she loves (cats are non-judgemental...mostly!), that I literally saved her life that day. Volunteering can and does make you feel better about yourself and then when you feel good, you can go and apply for a paid job from a position of confidence. Good luck. Chin up!
 
I don't have any experience of depression or mental illness to be honest, but if horses are what you enjoy, could you find yourself some part time work as a groom? It would pay towards your horse but hopefully not put you under too much pressure and also give you the structure working gives?? Working in a job you don't enjoy is not going to help, so I think getting away from that would be a good start - don't stress about careers etc, just find something you can enjoy and make some money to do the things that make you happy, that is the reason most people work, to enjoy the bits out of work and hopefully it will take you on a path that you like.

Good luck :)
 
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