Feeling so so lost.

[Fools Motto]

I had to have my wonderful mare put to sleep on Monday. It all happened so quickly. Saturday she was well, Sunday she was OK, but Monday she was in immense pain, and I just knew. I'd suspected she had Cushings, she had some signs, but was well enough without any medication. Not to mention the cost of medicating her, and her loathe for vets. Overnight she clearly got laminitis, and it was serious. I'd made the decision, and it was all over in little over an hour. I'm so pleased she didn't suffer long, but so shocked it happened at all. The vet was amazing, and considering the loathe of vet issue, my poor mare, in pain, hardly batted an eye.
I'm riddled with guilt that I promised her she wouldn't have a needle, and yet she did.
I can't remember our last ride - which hack did we go on - did it have good views, did we canter, did we laugh together? Did she spook or did I tell her not to be stupid at yet another dark patch of tarmac?
I've got all her stuff... I can't look at any of it.
Monday morning happened so fast, I'm sorry she had to share the wagon with a cow and a pig. I wanted her to have her own lorry.
I'm sorry to her little friend who was eating grass one minute, I caught her, and chose her to go too. I didn't want her to go anywhere else. I didn't want Meg to go alone.

On top of that, I'm now working in a job with no horses - my first non horsey job ever. I miss my mare. I miss the smell.
I've gone 3 whole days and haven't seen a horse.
I'm lost.
Nothing is normal.
36 years of horses, wiped out.

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

Aw, I really feel for you. So sorry, what a loss it must be. You're grieving so bound to have a whole load of emotions at the moment. Sending huge hugs your way. ((HUGS))

 

[Iwantakitten]

Oh FM, I've read your post and it's brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry you lost them both like that. Massive hugs to you is all I can say really xx

 

[Sukistokes2]

It's so new, raw and horrid. All I can say is that a lot of us have been there on those fateful days and in that you are not alone. You did all you could and I am sorry that there are no words that will make it any easier. I am so very sorry for your losses.

 

[oldie48]

I don't know what to say but I wanted you to know that I read your post and really really wanted to find something to say that would make you feel better, but I can't. It's called grief and it has to work it's way through and it will. It doesn't matter how much we try to prepare ourselves, when a real loss happens, it is just so painful. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and that you should try to take comfort in the fact that your horse didn't suffer. xx

 

[YorksG]

While this is awful for you, it was absolutely the best that you could do for both of your horses and the final kindness at the end of their happy life. You will remember all the good things soon, and maybe you will be able to offer another horse (or two) the benefit of your 36 years experience, which will be good for them and you.

 

[WelshD]

I'm so terribly sorry, what a horrible decision to have to make.

Dont see it as things being wiped out, see it as a break and dont make any rash decisions regarding your future with horses during this time

 

[Adopter]

It is the hardest thing we have to do as responsible owners, but because it's is right does not make any easier or less painful. There will be new opportunities and horses in the future, but for now give yourself time to grieve and remember your times together. Sending virtual Hugs

 

[Dave's Mam]

Thinking of you.

 

[Meredith]

It's so new, raw and horrid. All I can say is that a lot of us have been there on those fateful days and in that you are not alone. You did all you could and I am sorry that there are no words that will make it any easier. I am so very sorry for your losses.

While this is awful for you, it was absolutely the best that you could do for both of your horses and the final kindness at the end of their happy life. You will remember all the good things soon, and maybe you will be able to offer another horse (or two) the benefit of your 36 years experience, which will be good for them and you.

It is the hardest thing we have to do as responsible owners, but because it's is right does not make any easier or less painful. There will be new opportunities and horses in the future, but for now give yourself time to grieve and remember your times together. Sending virtual Hugs

All of the above. xxx

 

[skint1]

It is the hardest thing we have to do as responsible owners, but because it's is right does not make any easier or less painful. There will be new opportunities and horses in the future, but for now give yourself time to grieve and remember your times together. Sending virtual Hugs

Exactly this. I am so very sorry for your loss, must have been a terrible shock for you

 

[OldNag]

I sm so sorry. I hope you can take comfort from knowing you did the right thing. xx

 

[MochaDun]

I'm so sorry for your losses. I shed tears at your post too. Can't think of any words that will make it any better but you did the right thing by them. I hope the heartache eventually eases. I don't think (if horses can think) that your beloved mare would want you being hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself. You've done good for horses for 36 years and not only for your own ones. Beyond the new job you may find a way of still being involved with horses in some other capacity.

 

[Notimetoride]

Aww I really feel for you - I've been through it twice. You wont believe me but you will heal in time, but it's ok to be in a pickle for as long as you like. You don't have to be brave or strong. You're grieving, and that's very personal to you. Just deal with it in your own way, and cry whenever you need to.
Dont feel guilty in the slightest about anything ! The needle was the kindest most loving and selfless thing you have ever done for her (**** I'm in tears now) and the wagon - she is non the wiser, I promise.
Be kind on yourself, give yourself time, and surround yourself with people who are special to you xx

 

[Summer pudding]

You did the very best for your two right up to the end - the kindest, most responsible actions of a true animal lover. I am so, so sorry you are now left alone with your sadness and no words will make any of it better...but be assured the happy memories will come to to the surface eventually. I did it a month ago and it happened very quickly, but knowing my chap didn't suffer a minute longer than necessary and I was there at the end has helped me get through. Your two were very lucky to have you right to the very end too. BIG HUGS.

 

[mattydog]

It hurts like nothing else. Most of us have been there....for me 4 times now. I still miss each and every one of them. I am so sorry you lost 2 together and send hugs your way. It takes time to heal your heart and you will never forget them. For me I have to fill the space they left. It helps me to have something else that needs me. I am not replacing the horse, dog,cat that I have lost but filling the hole in my life they left.

 

[Midlifecrisis]

You are in shock - no wonder - be kind to yourself. Causing yourself this heartache is never done lightly - you will have done the right thing and I am so sorry to read about it.

 

[claireandnadia]

I too had to make that decision last year. Mare was fine night before but next morning in a terrible state. Been 18 months now and although it is easier, I'm still completely heartbroken. Sending you hugs.

 

[tatty_v]

I'm so sorry, thinking of you xxx

 

[DD]

It hurts like nothing else. Most of us have been there....for me 4 times now. I still miss each and every one of them. I am so sorry you lost 2 together and send hugs your way. It takes time to heal your heart and you will never forget them. For me I have to fill the space they left. It helps me to have something else that needs me. I am not replacing the horse, dog,cat that I have lost but filling the hole in my life they left.

^
this , its terrible. Sending you big HUGS OP

 

[Biglets Mummy]

You are in shock - no wonder - be kind to yourself. Causing yourself this heartache is never done lightly - you will have done the right thing and I am so sorry to read about it.

^ Exactly this. You poor thing - you must be in the most terrible shock and distress so please please make sure you look after yourself.
Be gentle on yourself and I am sending huge hugs to you. Take care xxx

 

[Fourponies]

Hi
I'm so sorry for your loss, believe me I know exactly how you feel.
A week ago today I said goodbye to my sweet mare and her companion too. Like you I feel lost. Like you, thirty odd years of horses suddenly gone. It's unbelievably hard to adjust to a 'normal' life. No more 5.30 starts, lunchtime checks and evenings spent with my ponies. Like you the end came quick, though not unexpected. Like you I had an amazing vet whose calm and compassion manner made things more bearable. Now I have hundreds of unanswered questions - the whys the what ifs. Although answers will not change the outcome I do feel they may give me some closure.
I don't have any wise words on how to move on or adjust to this alien life.
For me, I remind myself daily, that this isn't about me. It was about ensuring my ponies had the end they deserved. I take comfort in that. There was no suffering and it was quick and it was peaceful. I try to separate how I feel now from last Friday. I'm determined not to sit and wallow (it is and continues to be a challenge) and it is hard to motivate myself to do all those things/jobs that I have neglected but I will get there. You will too. Don't be hard on yourself, allow time to heal and be proud of yourself for doing the right thing by your animals. In time I hope to have another pony to love, I hope you will too. Stay strong xx

 

[Doris68]

So very, very sorry. It's so traumatic and immensely sad. Time is a great healer, but that's not helpful at the moment. I empathise completely as I had my mare PTS 18 months ago and it still hurts like hell and I doubt I'll ever stop missing her. Take care and allow yourself time to grieve. Kind thoughts. x

 

[LeneHorse]

So sorry to read about the loss of your lovely mare and her companion. Your post brought tears to my eyes. There's nothing I can add that's not been said by everyone above but please don't feel guilty about anything you did that day. As everyone has said, you did the right thing for your girl. Hugs to you and to all the others above who have lost their horses (()).

 

[On the Hoof]

Oh my lovely I am so very very sorry to read of your loss, I'm choked up reading it. So many lovely posts on here already that I don't think I can say anymore than what has been said. Am thinking of you and sending you hugs xx

 

[Regandal]

Gad, that's hard. It is awful, but the price we pay.
I lost my old boy last year, from the vet arriving to him going was roughly 20 minutes. You go onto automatic pilot in those situations. Huge hugs. X

 

[pennyturner]

To lose a horse you're so close to so suddenly... I can only imagine the shock and grief you're now going through. You did the only thing you could do to help her when she most needed you. Not all get so much love at the end. Don't take any decisions immediately, and give yourself a little TLC for a while.

 

[scats]

Just wanted to send you a virtual hug, you sound like you've had an absolute horrific week and you will still be in shock. What a selfless decision you made for your horses, you are the sort of owner that all horses should have xx

 

[Remi'sMum]

So sorry to read this, poor poor you. But what lucky lucky ponies to be loved by an owner who knows what must be done, and who does it with strength and let's them go with dignity.

My heart goes out to you and as other have said, time will make this less raw. This is the price we pay for having these amazing animals in our lives, for letting them under our skin and into our hearts. They knew nothing, you are left to bear the pain. Be gentle with yourself and let time do its thing. Sending massive virtual hugs xxx

 

[Frumpoon]

What a lovely selfless thing to have done