Fellow Parents....is this fair?

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southerncomfort

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Currently I have 2 mares. One is mine and one is for my daughter who is 17.

Daughter has hardly ridden this year as she has developed other interests and although is quite happy to pop out for a hack a couple of times a month, the pony has stood in the field for most of the Summer and is fat and fed up (ok...maybe she isn't but I think she looks fed up!).

Youngest daughter (age 10) is now desperate to ride but the pony is totally unsuitable being more of a second pony who, while trustworthy approx. 90 % of the time, can put in a heck of a spook and spin and occasionally go airborne!

Older daughter is planning on going to Uni next year so won't be around for several months of the year.

I need to discuss with both daughters but I'm thinking along the lines of selling daughter's pony and buying something of a similar size that is safe enough for youngest daughter but that older daughter can ride too when she is home from Uni. I'm also mindful that my own mare is 23 and getting a little stiff in her hocks so may need retiring in the next year or two so I feel that having a genuine family pony that we can all enjoy (we are all short and skinny!) makes sense.

However, older daugher still adores the current pony and I don't in any way want to make her feel as though she is being punished for going to Uni. However, the pony is a cracking PC pony and could be out having fun with another child.

Any words of wisdom great appreciated!!
 
I'd just have a discussion and see where it leads, if she wants to keep the pony then she really needs to assume responsibility and care and pay for it herself at that age - perhaps even take it to uni? If she's not prepared to do that to keep it then she should agree to sell - I don't see why you should be stuck footing the bill and your time for a pony that's no use to you.

Alternatively could you put the old mare into retirement livery and get something for yourself and your youngest?
 
I'd be retiring your mare early and then buy a horse that is safe enough for younger daughter and then you can share eldest daughters horse with her.
 
Of course it's fair,
Obviously will need approaching tactfully with your eldest daughter but she is starting a new chapter in her life and needs to understand that
 
I sold my daughter's pony when she was 14 as she had lost interest and bought one for myself (I was doing all the work so why not!). Daughter ended competing very successfully on him while I enjoyed plodding around the lanes on him - we were both happy.

Seems a bit unfair that your younger daughter, who is desperate to ride, can't. I'd definitely sell and get one you can all ride. (Fast forward 5 years and my daughter has now bought her own!)
 
I would sell the pony and get one you can all enjoy. At least then your younger girl can have some fun too.

The older daughter can still ride when she gets back. Plus when she comes home, as the pony would be in full ridden work it will be ok for her to get on, as opposed to the other pony who would probably be left for months with no rider.

Your daughter may prefer uni life and not come home that often anyway
 
I'm in a very similar position. DD is 17, going to Uni next year. I can keep the home for life pets - just try taking them off me! And the competition loans went back when she came out of juniors. But we have a very sharp ex SJ'er she has re-set to event. It would not be fair on him to turn him away for such long periods of time and he is too sharp to make an ideal share. We did consider loan to a PC home - but the only other person in our branch capable of riding him has just gone for an equestrian apprenticeship and can't take him.

We had a very open discussion about it over several months. We spoke about loaning him out, selling him, taking him with her or staying close enough to home to keep him. (Thankfully we're just outside London and have a massive choice of Unis in tolerably easy reach.)

Her choice - after much debate - was to apply to Uni's close enough to home that she can come back to ride 2 or 3 times a week and still compete. It might not work, she might move on. We'll give it a year and see. But one Uni has even suggested a sports scholarship (she wants to read psychology - nothing sports connected) to compete under the Uni's colours.

It is a very hard time in their life Everything they know is about to change. For DD the thought of letting pony go too was too much - although she knows that might change once she actually goes. We are lucky to be able to have the choice because of living close to London. But had that not been an option and had she wanted to keep him I would have done what I could to make it happen for her. The last thing I wanted was her to have to choose Uni or Pony.

The best thing to do is to talk to her about it. As soon as possible. It will take time for her to get her head around what option she wants and it is better to be her choice than yours. She needs to be realistic about what she wants going forward. And given time and sensible debate they get there!
 
If there is really no way you can keep the current two (like you riding the pony for a while until 10yr old more confident or get a third on loan or something) then I absolutely would sell the one who isn't doing anything and get something you can all enjoy. It's not really about what's "fair" as your elder daughter has had the pony fun and now moved past it, so it's time for your younger daughter to have the same opportunity.

If the elder one was still mad keen then I would not get rid of her pony but as she isn't it's just the obvious thing to do.
 
I think it would be dangerous to sell the daughters pony without her agreement if she's very attached to it. I think a family discussion is needed. The youngest daughter also should be given the same opportunities as the older one had. It's a tricky one, but I think you need everyone's agreement on this.
 
only_me said:
I'd be retiring your mare early and then buy a horse that is safe enough for younger daughter and then you can share eldest daughters horse with her.
Click to expand...
This.

As you know you're headed towards retirement for yours anyway this just cuts out an awkward bit in the middle.

Whilst I appreciate older D is entering new phase in life I'm guessing she wouldn't have known what was going to happen about uni etc when you got her pony and having watched 20-somethings really struggle to afford expensive pets their parents bought them as teens at a time when they are working hard and not earning much yet I'd always think ponies bought by parents need to remain in parental care.
 
OK, this is probably going to sound a bit harsh, but.....is it fair that you pay for the pony and do all the work with none of the benefits? Is it fair that your younger daughter doesn't have the same opportunity to ride as your older daughter has had? Is it fair that your older daughter is able to treat her pony as a teddy bear, which she can pick up and cuddle when she feels like it, but ignore the rest of the time?

Youngsters need to learn that they have to make choices in life, and sometimes those choices are hard. Loving a horse means looking after its needs, and from what you have said she isn't doing that. I'm afraid I don't understand why you are tip-toeing around her feelings so much - are there circumstances which you haven't included in your post? No need to explain them if so, and those reasons may be very valid and change the equation, but from the bare facts that you have posted it seems as if you are letting her get away with a lot when she is at an age to understand that animals need to be looked after or she won't have an animal any more. You talk about not wanting her to feel "punished" for going to university, so maybe there are some issues around that? It's an odd thing to say about a huge privilege which should be a very exciting and liberating time for her, which you are no doubt also going to be paying for.
 
Lots of food for thought, thank you everyone.

My old girl is with me for life and I can't afford 3 at the moment (although this may change in a couple of years time). At 14.3hh (and a big barrelled welsh cob) she isn't really suitable for youngest daughter either although she does have little pony rides on her.

I don't really want to share older daughters current pony cos she is a bit too unpredictable for me and won't hack out on her own which is a pain.

Daughter is very sensible but she is also very sweet so I guess I worry that she'll agree to selling the pony even if she is very unhappy about it. Add to that, we had her childhood pony PTS in July and it's a bit of an iffy time emotionally.

I think maybe I'll test the water a bit and see how she feels. I think she has been feeling guilty about not spending any time with the pony so it may be that it actually comes as a relief.

Thanks again.
 
You are obviously open to loaning out so just because there is no one in your PC that would be right for the pony doesn't mean there wouldn't be in a neighbouring PC.

Speak to your daughter and look at the options a) are you happy to ride it (if so then you hack it out and let your younger daughter ride yours) b) can you find a loan home c) look to sell. The first two are OK solutions if your daughter is going to show more of a interest going forward than she has so far this year but if she genuinely is not that keen to keep riding then c) is the better option.

Involve her in the decision making process and try not to bring your younger daughter into the equation at all, as this could well build resentment.

She needs to appreciate that however much we come to love them they are not pets and that they are very expensive field ornaments that require time. This pony could be providing another teenager with the fun it gave her and that making the decision to sell is not a sign of not caring, it is quite frequently a natural step and part of the process of owning a horse. As children/riders mature and grow and improve their needs change and the horse/pony that suited them as a 10 year old is highly unlikely to suit them as a teenager and equally is unlikely to suit them as a twenty something.

I think it is almost harder as they become an adult when they have mentally rather than physically outgrown the horse but they still have a lot of emotional attachment to it.
 
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