First horse, new baby

[FrankieB]

Hi - I'm new here and looking for some honest advice from those who have lived experience with it. I have a 7 y/o Belgian showjumper mare, who I've had for less than a year. First horse, decent rider but I'm no professional and intention was we would grow together.

I've just found out I'm 4.5(!) months pregnant. Baby is due in August.

Boyfriend and I are both lawyers, work long hours, and already managing horse (and dog) was to be honest stretching both of us pretty thin. He does not ride and doesn't really get involved with the horse, although prior to the pregnancy he was pretty supportive of me chasing my childhood dream. His view now is that it will all be too much and something will have to give for us to make this all work (i.e. the horse). We're London based and so other element of this is it costs a fortune to keep her on full livery (which is necessary given work), which obviously if you're not riding is objectively a silly use of money. Obviously with her on full livery (and her yard is great - and they will exercise too so not a fundamental issue that I'm now out of riding for the next 5/6 months) the issue is not the time to do all the horse related duties, but it's more about the time to have the relationship with her and to enjoy the riding and make it all worth it.

Horse also currently has some veterinary issues which we've been working through, to add to it all (arthritis in her neck, and of course ulcers) and TBC whether treatment she's had will solve the issues she's been having or how much of a problem this is going to be long term.

I am desperate to keep my horse and somehow manage it all. I adore her and it's been a childhood dream to have my own, and horses are a huge part of my identity, which I don't want to lose. I wanted children eventually (i.e. 4 years or so), but we would not have chosen to have one now (and to be honest if I wasn't so far along may well not be having this one) - it's way earlier in the relationship than we would have liked, I wanted to progress in career more, and I wanted a good few years of enjoying my horse and being 'me'. So I'm not exactly in the place of desperately wanting to be a mother and only a mother.

We will have help from my mum during my mat leave (and beyond), realistically 2/3 days a week, and she understands a huge part of that will be so I can go to the yard. So really I am not too worried about that period. Plan is I will do 6 months of mat and then boyfriend will do 6 months pat leave, so I'm also not too concerned about his pat leave time as his sole focus will be baby, but beyond that when we're both back at work and have a young child in nursery, honestly I don't know how that will look.

Advice / shared experience gratefully received. If you've been in a similar position, what have you done and how did it go? Did you look at loaning/sharing options? Did you end up having to sell? Or did you miraculously make it all work out?

Thanks in advance!

 

[MidChristmasCrisis]

Congratulations first of all. Lots of women have worked full time, had children and horses but it’s hard work and will cost in time, money and emotionally as you juggle everything. Folks will come along later to share their current experiences I’m sure.

 

[Peglo]

I don’t have children and nor do I have professional job so ignore if you see fit

If it was me I would be devastated to find out I was having a baby and don’t think it would be a good time to make any final decisions I couldn’t go back on.
So I would look at a share or loan and then your horse gets attention if you’re unable to give it to her yourself for a while and gives you time to see what life will be like and if you could manage it all or if it just won’t work having a horse

 

[abbijay]

I now have 12 year old twins so my memory of the time might not be the clearest but here goes:
I had had my horse for 2.5 years when I became pregnant and I still have him now, he's my first "pony" (giant pony but you get the idea) and lifelong dream and it was never a question of him going anywhere. I have been a professional in the construction industry for 20 years now and hubby is a professional too. My horse is straightforward and I got sharers in 2 days a week for quite a few years. I was on a great yard on part livery (basically muck out, ride and groom were down to me) so I got 2 days a week off and some money to contribute to the cost of his yard. Money was the biggest challenge, mat leave we planned for but once I returned to work part time (3 days initially) I worked out my hourly rate after childcare was under £2 per hour. If my job hadn't come with a company car I think I would have wound up quitting my career. Holidays, meals out, nice clothes all became unachievable for a while despite both of us being in good jobs and the horse had to make do a bit too - nothing unreasonable but i ditched all the fancy supplements, lessons limited to a few a year, no buying rugs and tack because there was a new fad, etc. I had to be really frugal to get by and we still eroded the hell out of our savings. It was challenging but not impossible and my husband was fully supportive of the compromises to our living standards.
The really hard bit was the time challenges though. My job usually involves a commute so I would regularly leave the house at 6.30am and not make it back until 6.30pm by which time it was give the kids a quick bath and kiss and get them into bed - which is not a quick task when they're small. That would take me to 7.30/8pm then I would have to go to the yard to muck out, ride, etc. I would get home at 9.30 most nights and then it was time to cook/eat - husband would have been doing housework or fitness in the intervening period - dinner was usually about 10pm in front of the tv then it would be back to bed ready for the 6am alarm call to go again (assuming the kids didn't wake up in the night which felt like it happened more than not). This became our routine for YEARS! It was honestly exhausting but it meant I could keep hold of my best friend. The kids never suffered - they were always our priority but it did mean that my husband and I saw very little of each other in the every day. I never achieved the dream of "riding while my babies slept in the buggy" and there were days i would take them to the yard on my days off and have to abandon mucking out part way through because they wouldn't settle and i would have to return hours later to try again once hubby was home from work. Weekends were relentlessly busy trying to fit things in that couldn't fit in the week but that was how it needed to be.
Now everyone is bigger and life is definitely easier but not as easy as many people have it. We now have 2 very sporty kids who train and compete in a variety of things multiple times a week, we now have 3 horses on our own land so that's much more work than before, we both work full time in well paid management roles in our professions. Time is still at a premium and we have accepted that couple time is a rare thing with a few hours grabbed together a handful of times a year. Money is tight - we won't be affording multiple Caribbean cruises a year but we did get to the Olympics last year (we did it on the cheap). Life would be infinitely easier without the horses but I wouldn't swap my life for anyone else's!
If keeping your horse is what matters most to you it is not impossible however it is not easy either! Good luck in whatever you decide!

 

[EventingMum]

Obviously every situation is different but from reading your post my thoughts are as follows. It will undoubtedly be hard work to keep your horse with a child and at the very least be incredibly tiring initially. Will keeping the horse become a problem with your boyfriend and impact your relationship? Financially children aren't cheap, after mat/pat leave will you be paying nursery fees and full livery and is this affordable? Once your child is older they will have interests and hobbies which may or may not include horses, would this be manageable? Is your horse suitable to be full or part loaned, bearing in mind anyone can give up a loan agreement at relatively short notice? Is your horse sellable given her current issues?

If you decide to keep her ensure your boyfriend is fully aware of how this will work in reality so there are no nasty surprises. If you decide to sell or loan make sure all current issues are being treated and are under control as much as possible. Finally, although you say you wouldn't have planned a child just now, don't underestimate the power of hormones, once he or she arrives you may well find yourself totally besotted - many mothers are surprised by this!

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

[Goldenstar]

I would look for a sharer for your mare it will lower the cost and share the burden.
Many been where you are now and muddled through .

 

[Orangehorse]

I would look for a sharer or a loan if it possible. Leave yourself options if possible.

Congratulations on the baby. There never is a "perfect time" they just arrive. Enjoy the journey.

 

[mariew]

Congratulations! It's an amazing journey, rewarding and challenging in equal measures

The thing that stood out for me is your horse having neck arthritis. Do you know how manageable that will be? I just worry you would plough thousands and thousands into a horse that will rapidly become unrideable anyway. I have heard of the odd successful case but it required really careful management. You may have to wait for the outcome of that treatment to see if you have a no choice answer anyway.

It's hard, and I would say you would need a super supportive other half or grand parents. It's not impossible but your life and potentially priorities will change. Are you planning on going back full time? I would potentially then expect mainly to be able to ride at weekends. Maybe very late at night but it depends on how long your day will be. Make sure you can get to the yard and ride late if that is possible. You may be lucky and have a baby that can sleep through and you can ride when they do. I didn't so rarely got the chance.

If you are planning on going back full time to work I am going to be honest, if it was me I would cut my losses and sell if you are able to. You could find a share or have riding lessons for a while until it gets easier and you can get another one. It will be important to put effort and time into your relationship too, be open and talk about this to avoid niggles brewing into something bigger.

If you can go back part time it's probably a different answer.

 

[Traks]

Congratulations!!!

In honesty…get a sharer or loan the horse out. It is a massive struggle at the best of times and given your extensive commute to your horse I can’t see how you could fit it in…sorry just being honest!

You’ll end up stretching yourself too thin, it’s so easy to do. It will make your life incredibly stressful, you’ll feel guilty because you can’t give your work/child/horse/partner what you feel you need…and the mum guilt is bad enough without the added stress!

Having been someone who has stretched themselves too thin on many an occasion I can totally relate to this! X

 

[FrankieB]

I now have 12 year old twins so my memory of the time might not be the clearest but here goes:
I had had my horse for 2.5 years when I became pregnant and I still have him now, he's my first "pony" (giant pony but you get the idea) and lifelong dream and it was never a question of him going anywhere. I have been a professional in the construction industry for 20 years now and hubby is a professional too. My horse is straightforward and I got sharers in 2 days a week for quite a few years. I was on a great yard on part livery (basically muck out, ride and groom were down to me) so I got 2 days a week off and some money to contribute to the cost of his yard. Money was the biggest challenge, mat leave we planned for but once I returned to work part time (3 days initially) I worked out my hourly rate after childcare was under £2 per hour. If my job hadn't come with a company car I think I would have wound up quitting my career. Holidays, meals out, nice clothes all became unachievable for a while despite both of us being in good jobs and the horse had to make do a bit too - nothing unreasonable but i ditched all the fancy supplements, lessons limited to a few a year, no buying rugs and tack because there was a new fad, etc. I had to be really frugal to get by and we still eroded the hell out of our savings. It was challenging but not impossible and my husband was fully supportive of the compromises to our living standards.
The really hard bit was the time challenges though. My job usually involves a commute so I would regularly leave the house at 6.30am and not make it back until 6.30pm by which time it was give the kids a quick bath and kiss and get them into bed - which is not a quick task when they're small. That would take me to 7.30/8pm then I would have to go to the yard to muck out, ride, etc. I would get home at 9.30 most nights and then it was time to cook/eat - husband would have been doing housework or fitness in the intervening period - dinner was usually about 10pm in front of the tv then it would be back to bed ready for the 6am alarm call to go again (assuming the kids didn't wake up in the night which felt like it happened more than not). This became our routine for YEARS! It was honestly exhausting but it meant I could keep hold of my best friend. The kids never suffered - they were always our priority but it did mean that my husband and I saw very little of each other in the every day. I never achieved the dream of "riding while my babies slept in the buggy" and there were days i would take them to the yard on my days off and have to abandon mucking out part way through because they wouldn't settle and i would have to return hours later to try again once hubby was home from work. Weekends were relentlessly busy trying to fit things in that couldn't fit in the week but that was how it needed to be.
Now everyone is bigger and life is definitely easier but not as easy as many people have it. We now have 2 very sporty kids who train and compete in a variety of things multiple times a week, we now have 3 horses on our own land so that's much more work than before, we both work full time in well paid management roles in our professions. Time is still at a premium and we have accepted that couple time is a rare thing with a few hours grabbed together a handful of times a year. Money is tight - we won't be affording multiple Caribbean cruises a year but we did get to the Olympics last year (we did it on the cheap). Life would be infinitely easier without the horses but I wouldn't swap my life for anyone else's!
If keeping your horse is what matters most to you it is not impossible however it is not easy either! Good luck in whatever you decide!

I think you’ve summed it up well with the “time is at a premium”. We already feel like this! And then the money - we are both in well paid jobs now but you don’t know how long that will last post baby and in any case our living costs are crazy high and that’s before funding a child. Sounds like you did incredibly well juggling twins and all the rest of life!

 

[FrankieB]

Obviously every situation is different but from reading your post my thoughts are as follows. It will undoubtedly be hard work to keep your horse with a child and at the very least be incredibly tiring initially. Will keeping the horse become a problem with your boyfriend and impact your relationship? Financially children aren't cheap, after mat/pat leave will you be paying nursery fees and full livery and is this affordable? Once your child is older they will have interests and hobbies which may or may not include horses, would this be manageable? Is your horse suitable to be full or part loaned, bearing in mind anyone can give up a loan agreement at relatively short notice? Is your horse sellable given her current issues?

If you decide to keep her ensure your boyfriend is fully aware of how this will work in reality so there are no nasty surprises. If you decide to sell or loan make sure all current issues are being treated and are under control as much as possible. Finally, although you say you wouldn't have planned a child just now, don't underestimate the power of hormones, once he or she arrives you may well find yourself totally besotted - many mothers are surprised by this!

Good luck whatever you decide.

Honestly, yes I can see it could impact the relationship. It’s a time / money thing - my being out of the house for hours on end (less time with family on weekends when we have very busy work weeks), and funnelling a lot of money into maintaining the horse (and not into the family / house etc). It isn’t that it wouldn’t be affordable but that I can understand how the other person could get frustrated when that money could be being spent on other things. So you are 100% right that we need to be agreed.

She’s not an entirely ‘straightforward’ horse - an experienced share/loan would work fine but I don’t know how easy that would be to find. Also my yard will do everything for her, including exercise (and they’re currently managing a rehab programme for her) so it would really be me wanting someone to financially contribute and to give her more one on one ‘owner’ time, and who could (providing she is sound again) take her to some competitions whilst I cannot. There isn’t a real NEED to get someone in in order to simply cope with exercise and mucking out etc.

 

[FrankieB]

Congratulations! It's an amazing journey, rewarding and challenging in equal measures

The thing that stood out for me is your horse having neck arthritis. Do you know how manageable that will be? I just worry you would plough thousands and thousands into a horse that will rapidly become unrideable anyway. I have heard of the odd successful case but it required really careful management. You may have to wait for the outcome of that treatment to see if you have a no choice answer anyway.

It's hard, and I would say you would need a super supportive other half or grand parents. It's not impossible but your life and potentially priorities will change. Are you planning on going back full time? I would potentially then expect mainly to be able to ride at weekends. Maybe very late at night but it depends on how long your day will be. Make sure you can get to the yard and ride late if that is possible. You may be lucky and have a baby that can sleep through and you can ride when they do. I didn't so rarely got the chance.

If you are planning on going back full time to work I am going to be honest, if it was me I would cut my losses and sell if you are able to. You could find a share or have riding lessons for a while until it gets easier and you can get another one. It will be important to put effort and time into your relationship too, be open and talk about this to avoid niggles brewing into something bigger.

If you can go back part time it's probably a different answer.

Congratulations! It's an amazing journey, rewarding and challenging in equal measures

The thing that stood out for me is your horse having neck arthritis. Do you know how manageable that will be? I just worry you would plough thousands and thousands into a horse that will rapidly become unrideable anyway. I have heard of the odd successful case but it required really careful management. You may have to wait for the outcome of that treatment to see if you have a no choice answer anyway.

It's hard, and I would say you would need a super supportive other half or grand parents. It's not impossible but your life and potentially priorities will change. Are you planning on going back full time? I would potentially then expect mainly to be able to ride at weekends. Maybe very late at night but it depends on how long your day will be. Make sure you can get to the yard and ride late if that is possible. You may be lucky and have a baby that can sleep through and you can ride when they do. I didn't so rarely got the chance.

If you are planning on going back full time to work I am going to be honest, if it was me I would cut my losses and sell if you are able to. You could find a share or have riding lessons for a while until it gets easier and you can get another one. It will be important to put effort and time into your relationship too, be open and talk about this to avoid niggles brewing into something bigger.

If you can go back part time it's probably a different answer.

Yes the neck really has thrown added complication into it. The first six months of having her she was incredibly easy, but the last six months or so have been incredibly difficult, she’s been more challenging and now I’m faced with trying to get to the bottom of medical issues and get on top of those - and as you say, not knowing exactly how it will be to manage long term. The indication from the vet has been that at least in terms of the arthritis this should be manageable by steroid injections every year or two, and it may just mean she doesn’t have as long a ridden career as I would have liked. That doesn’t sound too awful, but it’s early days and no knowing exactly how it will play out.

I will be going back full time after mat leave. Currently I am able to get up weekends and Mondays and Fridays on top of that but I think realistically it would have to drop to weekends only, and maybe picking Friday evenings back up again once baby is more settled. Which is to be honest workable in terms of her still being exercised, it just becomes a question of whether it’s all worth it when you’re paying London full livery. Which for me as long as the money is available is probably going to be a ‘yes’ - but baby isn’t here yet and I think is a bit of a bitter pill for partner to swallow.

I think realistically for the time being I need to focus on the horse’s medical issues and rehab and getting her back sound again. The yard is being amazing and fully supportive so I’m incredibly lucky there. Then I think I have to see how it plays out during mat leave and assess from there. Both in terms of practicalities and in terms of my own priorities.

 

[colourville 17]

First of all can I say I'm in total awe of people who manage a full time job, kids and horses. I work full time and have 2 horses and it's struggle at times, not sure how I would cope adding children to the mix. That being said I personally have never understood why people would have horses on full livery and literally never see them or do anything with them. It's jst such a big financial commitment with no reward. I would consider a full loan, even for the first year until you settle in to parenthood n then go from there xx