Frustrated with horse, dont know what to do! very long

[Firewell]

Help! I dont know what to do with my horse!! Ive had my horse for 3 years and she is the most amazing horse and the most awful horse all rolled into one.

Yesterday I took her showjumping. She jumped a brilliant round, we were 2 seconds up on the fastest time and if I handn't flapped into the last and caused her to knock a pole we would have won.

I then took her back to the lorry and... she took 4 hours and 5 people to load, hurting my foot and sending me in to floods of tears. At the end, she decided to go in and after all our efforts she quietly walked into the lorry like butter wouldnt melt and started eating her hay. She hadnt sweated, wasnt scared, nothing.

Last time she had a paddy loading it took us 3 months to get back into the lorry, she then was a brilliant loader as long as she had her old stablemate for company, hes now passed away and over the past couple of times shes been getting worse. Shes not in pain, nothings scared her its just when she decides she doesnt feel like doing something she wont..

Shes like this to shoe, perfect one time and next time she just will keep pulling her leg away and will refuse. We can usually get it done in the end but only after blacksmith is throughly p***** off and im in tears.

She will only be caught in the field with food unless SHE wants to come in.

If I take her out of her routine to do something, like when the saddler comes or i feel like going for a lunchtime ride, you would think the world has ended. It makes me cross, frustrated and upset trying to tack her up or get her to stand still while shes a whirling dervish, eyes on stalks and pooing everywhere.

However...

When shes good to handle shes a donkey, a child could do her. And she has quite good manners, shes not bargy and wouldnt hurt you. As long as shes in her routine shes easy as pie.

To ride shes awsome, shes sensitive, intelligent, brave but safe. You can give her 3 months off, get on her and shes wont turn a hair. You can not jump her for months, take her to a comp and she will win. Shes incredibly talented and I love the feel she gives me. I always have a smile on my face when im on board. In all the time ive had her ive never fallen off *touches wood*. There are not enough complimentary words to describe her, thats how nice she is to ride.

She is also the most stunningly beautiful horse I think I have ever seen.

I just dont know what to do with her, If I get rid Im not sure I will find a horse that makes me feel the way she does when ridden. At the same time im sick of crying over her, every couple of months something else will crop up handling wise and im sick of it.

I go through phases of idolising her, someone could offer me a million pounds and I would say No. Other times like yesterday I could giver her away for a pound.

Ive looked into the loading probs and it will cost £400 to get a local behaviourist to help. I cant sort out the problem on my own.

Shoeing costs over £100 because of her probs, I also have to pay for sedaline for when shes shod and for 2 weeks b4 farrier comes I have to bring her in at that time so she gets used to standing in when he comes or shes a whirling dervish again.

The saddler has to come out literally every 3 weeks at the mo to adjust her saddle millimeter at a time because shes so sensitive to any changes. Ive brought her 3 saddles in the past that she has decided she doesnt like. I have to be VERY careful over who I get to look after her while im away as she is so sensitive and if somebody does something wrong with her all hell breaks loose.

I feel like my life is ruled by this horse, my OH feels neglected because its always about her and its affecting our relationship. Hes fed up with us spending money and he says theres a limit to how much money we can throw at one horse to keep it happy.

Im at my wits end. Ive never owned a horse like her before, she just breaks my heart and ive never experienced such highs and lows with one horse before.

Am I being irrational? I know there are always highs and lows with horses but mine seem so extreme. I dont know what to do, what do other people think I should do? Is she worth it?

sorry this is so insanely long, I have no one to talk to about this, my OH is sick of hearing about her!

 

[Tia]

She's a high maintenance horse. What comes with high maintenance is always huge highs and lows; that is just the nature of them. I used to have one and I put up with her for 16 years. She has now passed on and would I ever have another? Absolutely not! I have no time for all that pussyfooting around and silly nonsense so I would never buy another like this because I can get all of the wonderful feelings you get from her at times, all of the time with my guys; it's so much nicer.

What should you do? Well no-one can tell you what to do, you have to make that decision yourself.

 

[AutumnRose]

I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling like this. I've been able to tell how much you care about her from your previous posts and PM's!!

I honestly don't know what to suggest hun, i'm sorry. You have to do what is going to make you and her happiest. What kind of life do you think she'd be happiest in? If you did decide to sell i'm sure you know she'd be tricky to sell because of all her issues. However, if she's as talented as you say under saddle people will put up with a lot...

I would suggest a large glass of wine and a serious sit down to consider all viable options. You know how long i debated over what to do with my mare!!! I hope things feel better soon.

 

[minerva]

if it was a partner who you were describing, it would be an abusive relationship!
thats not to say i have any idea on what you should do, if you love her and you get something out of it, why not keep going, but if she is controlling you and your life you need to take time out and have a good chat with yourself - you do only have one life

 

[rocketdog69]

Hello there

Sorry to hear you are having problems. owning horses is supposed to be fun.

I'm not a Natural Horsemanship follower or a Monty Roberts groupie or a fan of all the games that Pat Pirelli plays with his horses but on several occasions over the past 2 and a half years I've the opportunity see our local Parelli chap (the very wonderful James) sort out friends horses problems and latterly my horses problems. I now understand a wee bit of what its all about and why horses behave in the way they do. They dont know or have never been taught anything different, they've never had the opportunity to behave the way they should.

There are lots of so called "behaviourists" about but I've never seen one that produces results like James. He'sso a registered and very good farrier so will understand even more your shoeing woes.

If you want his number, let me know.

Good luck.

 

[TicTac]

I certainly can sympathise with you as I have just aquired my first mare and my goodness, they sure are different from the boys!! However I had a horse that had a back problem for a long while that we could never seem to sort out until it was discovered he had kissing spine. It may be worth getting your vet to give her the once over and maybe even a few xrays of say hocks and spine? I know it will cost you to have this done but if you find a problem then you can treat it, and if not you know she is just being a missy cow and you can decide where to go from there. God luck!

 

[Jellymoon]

She sounds very quirky, and the quirky ones are often the best! I also have a 'quirky' but I have learnt to live with him, very happily now, although I have been through the hair tearing phase! I had him from a 5yr old, he's now 14.

I've had horses since childhood, and I've never needed to go down the 'horse whisperer' - for want of a better description - route but I had exhausted all my own experience and that of my trainers with this horse, so I called upon a chap called Michael Peace (highly recommend) to address the totally irrational loading and napping problems. Now, we never even so much as hesitate at the bottom of the ramp, and the minute I feel a nap start, I can nip it in the bud.

As for the other things, like extreme seperation anxiety, all toys ending up on the floor when the routine changes, being funny with other people, I have just learnt to ignore. I'll never change those things about him, so I just get on with what I want to do, and not let myself get wound up about it.

Now I can do pretty much everything with him, barr leaving him anywhere for very long on his own, and hacking him alone on the road. He will be perfectly fine in traffic on the way out on a hack, completely ignoring even the noisiest juggernaut, but on the way back, he rears in front of oncoming vehicles (explain that one!!) Even Michael Peace coudn't help with that, so we've given up hacking alone on the road - of course, he's absolutely fine in company, doesn't bat an eyelid.

And then of course, some days in the school, he has total paddies for no reason at things he sees every day, so I've just learnt to ignore that too and carry on without getting wound up, or if I feel I'm going to lose my patience, we go home, or for a hack (not on the road obviously!)

Like yours, he's a joy to ride and really talented - I evented him up to 2* (he would have gone on further, but I'd reached my wussiness limit!) went to the regionals at medium dressage and shows jumps up to Foxhunter. He's also incredibly genuine jumping-wise - when I mess up, he helps me out.

So, my advice to you would be to try to address some of the issues (eg. loading) that could be overcome, and then accept the others that you'll never change. It sounds like she's got you wrapped about her little hoof, so you need to find a way of readdressing the balance while accepting there are some arguments you'll never win.

 

[Ziggy_]

I never thought I'd say this either, but I'm agreeing with cecildog. I don't like Parelli but maybe one of the other NH methods might help?

Do you use a calmer? If not its one thing you could try.

Other than that, just wanted to say don't sell her, you'll definitely regret it. She sounds lovely, to ride at least!

 

[Ziggy_]

I cross posted with Super Furry Animal but Michael Peace used to have a series in Your Horse and I always thought his methods were brilliant. Worth a shot?

 

[LynneB]

Hi, while I was reading your post I wondered if she picks up on your own mood. She may be really sensitive and if you are even slightly stressed (even if you are unaware of it) she may feed off of that. I agree with those who have suggested Natural Horsemanship methods, but you could also just take time out and play with your mare. When my mare was a baby I used to play football with her with an old space hopper, she loved it and it certainly gave us a bond. She used to cheat though and run off with it in her mouth before throwing it. If you have the facilities maybe you could just go into a schooling area and "play" build up a bond without an agenda or deadline to work to. you could load her, feed her and unload her without needing to go anywhere etc...May be worth though, making a diary and seeing if there is a link to your emotions and her behaviour. I wish you luck though

 

[DBrasnett]

I can't give you advice, but I can sympathise 100%. I have similar problems with my mare. I have owned her for just over 2 years and she is wonderful, adorable, like a puppy most of the time (70%). Then she can be a she devil at other times (30%). Most people think I am incompetent and make up all my stories until they she her in action. She is WONDERFUL around children and has never put a foot wrong around them.

We have had promblems with the farrier. One day he called me and asked what happened to my mare. He had to do one foot, put her away, do another horse, do another of her feet, put her away, do another horse etc! other times she falls asleep when she is shod.

Some time she comes cantering up to me in the field, all loves and hug ready to be caught. 2 days ago she had no intention of coming in and charged me!

Then there is the random bucking. She can be going so well for months, happy, easy, delightful, then all of a sudden she will flip and buck like a bronco, but not enough for me to actually fall.

She is better on Moody Mare and the vet has suggested regumate but I am not going there! Apparently her Mum isn't too different. Talking to the vet helped me understand that in the spring, when they first start to cycle mares can be worse, and she is.

then there is her personality... She sounds alot like your mare - sensitive, intelligent, brave but safe. I think the intelligence with the hormones is the problem.

I am not a parelli person, or monty Roberts, BUT I do find the Monty Roberts technique on Join up work wonders. The other day when she charged me, I flicked the lunge whip and sent her away. She HATED it! With in a couple of mins she came to me ready to be caught...

I believe every now and then (when she has a bad cycle maybe) she feels she can try and dominate me.

My mare went to Mike Huber (I was so attached I relocated her with us when we moved back to the UK) for 3 months last year. One of the first things he said to me was that every horse needs routnine and young, or young minded horses need them more then older horses. It apparently helps them mature. He also told me that Haley had a very strong personality and liked to have her own way!! How ever he loved her

The way I try to deal with her is to laugh at her! If I get wound up it gets worse, she really takes her ques from how I am reacting. If I find humor in the situation (I normally tell her to try harder if she actually wants to buck me off!!). I also tell people not to take nonsense from her, no need to back off from her because there is nothing behind the warnings!

I have had her looked at by a vet and she is fine. No back, teeth, hocks, stifle problems.

I am about to move to a new yard and realise there will be another group of people judging me, untill they she her golum side!

What ever her girly problems I will never sell her. As she gets older (she is 7) the good moments are getting more and more and she is becoming more consistent.

I have rambled on, and not sure if I have helped you. Just remember to smile and be a leader to your mare.

 

[Dreckly]

That's mares for you.

It seems as if she is the boss in your relationship and everything is on her terms - you have to find a way to reverse this and for her to see you as the boss before you are going to make any difference at all.

Its just like the old saying you can tell a gelding, ask a mare and negotiate with a stallion!!

 

[Coffee_Bean]

The first half of that I could have sweared you were talking about my horse. One moment I love her the next I hate her.

Re Loading- yes my horse can be a total utter pig when she won't go in, but I am proud to say I've cracked it. (touch wood) I bought a richard maxwell pressure halter, and you get a DVD with it, I watched it through 3 times, and then got to work. I took her in the menage did about 30 mins making her do exactly what I was telling her, we had a few rears and paddies exactly as on the DVD. But by the end when I ran, she would, when I ran back she would, when I stopped she would. I took her down to the yard and she walked straight through 10 times. I was in total shock. So get yourself a halter, and get to work, best thing I've ever bought and totally work the money. She now loads all the time, but I take it with me just in case, as if the worst happens, we can drag her in

Re Catching- she was a pig to catch at one point, really nasty in the field, kicking, charging etc It was really scaring me and was seriously thinking about selling, its not what having a horse is about. So I took a lunge whip in and when ever she came near me I waved the whip, if she ever got close enough to kick me she would get a smack, but I would just keep sending her away. She would give in within 5 minutes every single time. I always make sure to give her a sweetie when she's caught, and she lets me get her every time now, and immediately looks to my pocket.

Re Farrier- I too have had problems and the only thing that I've found that works is to stand near her head and hold her headcollar pretty much the whole time, but like yours one time she is a saint, next she is the devil. My farrier had to come back later in the day when she had calmed down once, and I stood making her hold her feet up for practically the whole 3 hours before he came back. Make her bored of it.

I am yet to find a way of making her stand still when she decides not to, it is annoying, poo everywhere etc She absoloutely won't stand still in her stable as she usually box walks, and if I want to tack her up, it stresses her out that she can't. Don't underestimate the power of growling at her with your voice though. Having been squashed against a stable wall, losing my temper and hitting her harder than I intended, I've learnt to just walk out, think about something else and go back to try again. I can totally sympathise with you though, it is just so bloody frustrating.

Hope this helps

x

 

[Firewell]

Thank you so much for all your replies! I feel better knowing im not alone. This forum is so good for support when you need it most!

She is a kind horse and when I think back to how she was when I first got her she has improved so much. I have tried some basic NH stuff and she will follow me in the arena but I def think I need some professional help regards to the loading and shoeing as there my limited knowledge petters out. She is so smart so I think with the right direction she should learn the good ways quickly.

In many ways we are so close but I do feel like when I look through those ears Im riding a different horse to the one im with on the ground! I agree that she picks up on my mood, I am very sensitive too and we mirror each other.. not good! Interestingly when she walked into the lorry yesterday I wasnt there, I was so upset I had to walk away.

Cofee-Bean the halter is a good idea and as an interim measure I think I will try that.
Moody Mare, your horse looks just like mine! Pretty grey mare with a black mane, they look like sisters!

I do want to work it out with her. She is so genuine to ride, she always helps me out even when I least deserve it.

 

[DBrasnett]

Firewell - we need to start a moody grey mare clique!! Haley is a total stunner. She love them boys too!! She smells and stallion or colt and squirt, squirt, wink, wink.. She is terrible.

I think Breeze_mum has something. Try keeping a diary of your feeling and her reactions. I def I am going to start that.